THE TIME revised version

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hannah_dreamergirl_3
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THE TIME revised version

Post by hannah_dreamergirl_3 » March 8th, 2011, 4:41 am

New version further down!!!




Hi again,

I'm hoping this is better, though I'm uncertain about the genre now, I was sure it was YA asTeri is 25 an her friends in their twenties, but I feel the tone is suited to someone my own age (I'm seventeen) and believe it would appeal to fifteen years to mid twenties.

Anyways, thanks for your help, here is my new version, any constructive criticism welcome!

Dear

Teri Monohan is a 24 year old secret agent, who must face up to her demons after three months of exile from the British governments Secret Departments. A man is coming from another time causing problems, everyone else has tried and failed to stop him; now Teri must step up.

However, this isn’t Teri’s only problem, by going back to work she will have to face her all-to-good-looking ex-fiancé, Carter and try to rebuild her friendship with Mac, which she should never have let disappear. Teri’s personal and work life are about to collide as she faces up to her demons and tries to prove herself by completing this most mysterious of missions.

I take inspiration from writers such as Elizabeth Kostova, Kate Mosse and Meg Cabot as well as taking inspiration from other areas, such as film, particularly Inception and The Dark Knight. The theme of time travel may seem like Science Fiction, but THE TIME is very much a romantic adventure for young women who love action films, strong characters and a complex plot.

I wish to submit THE TIME to you, a romantic adventure novel, complete at 117,000 words.

Thank-you for your time,

Hannah Bullimore
Last edited by hannah_dreamergirl_3 on March 9th, 2011, 11:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joel Q
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Re: THE TIME revised version

Post by Joel Q » March 8th, 2011, 1:36 pm

hannah_dreamergirl_3 wrote:
Teri Monohan is a 24 year old secret agent, who must face up to her demons (cliche) after three months of exile from the British governments Secret Departments. A man is coming from another time causing problems, everyone else has tried and failed to stop him; now Teri must step up. (This all tell and no show. And this is the only sentence about the 'bad guy'. I think we need to no more, what's at stake? What are the problems he's causing? Who or what is in danger?)

However, this isn’t Teri’s only problem, by going back to work she will have to face her all-to-good-looking ex-fiancé, Carter and try to rebuild her friendship with Mac, which she should never have let disappear. Teri’s personal and work life are about to collide as she faces up to her demons (repeat, you only have so many words in a query, don't repeat yourself. )and tries to prove herself by completing this most mysterious of missions. (it's so mysterious, I don't think an agent will bite.)

I take inspiration from writers such as Elizabeth Kostova, Kate Mosse and Meg Cabot as well as taking inspiration from other areas, such as film, particularly Inception and The Dark Knight. The theme of time travel may seem like Science Fiction, but THE TIME is very much a romantic adventure for young women who love action films, strong characters and a complex plot. (I'm not sure what to say about this paragraph, some will say cut the entire thing, while other's might like bits of it.)

I wish to submit THE TIME to you, a romantic adventure novel, complete at 117,000 words.
I don't think there is enough of the story in here to make anyone want to read on. Good girl with relationship issues and time traveling bad guy.
There's no reason we should care at this point.
We need to know why we should.
You kept the query tight which is nice, but you left out the good stuff.
JQ

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Re: THE TIME revised version

Post by androidblues » March 8th, 2011, 3:26 pm

I'm probably repeating a lot Joel Q has already stated, but I think it helps to have more than one opinion.
Teri Monohan is a 24 year old secret agent, who must face up to her demons after three months of exile from the British governments Secret Departments.

Always spell out numbers under 100. But I don't think her age matters much if she's older than twenty. Also, can we think up a cooler name than Secret Department? Something really awesome so you can say that you created your own original world.

After three months of exile from the secret service, secret agent Teri Monohan is about to face the biggest challenge of her career.

A man is coming from another time causing problems, everyone else has tried and failed to stop him; now Teri must step up.

Who is this man? You haven't mentioned that she is a time traveler. Does this story take place in the future? Why are they getting an exiled agent to handle the case? Teri must be special, right?

Teri is a time traveler, sent by the government to correct 4th dimensional disruptions. Due to her genetically modified DNA, she was the only person able to travel through time--until now. A man has come from another time, wreaking havoc wherever he goes. He has found a way to time travel without modifying his genetic code. However, a side-effect has disrupted the neural patterns of his brain, causing insanity.

Teri is ordered to destroy him or face her own death. But Teri wasn't told that this man is the father she never knew--her creator. With his help, she could free herself from the government and start a new life. Torn between duty and faith, Teri is faced with a decision that could tear her apart.
yes, this is a cliche

I've re-written this to what I think would sound interesting. I know it probably has nothing to do with your story, but it should give you a start. So far, I know nothing about Teri, her problems, or the villain. I don't know her motivations or what the story is about. I hope that I've given you a little help.

However, this isn’t Teri’s only problem, by going back to work she will have to face her all-to-good-looking ex-fiancé, Carter and try to rebuild her friendship with Mac, which she should never have let disappear. Teri’s personal and work life are about to collide as she faces up to her demons and tries to prove herself by completing this most mysterious of missions.

I take inspiration from writers such as Elizabeth Kostova, Kate Mosse and Meg Cabot as well as taking inspiration from other areas, such as film, particularly Inception and The Dark Knight. The theme of time travel may seem like Science Fiction, but THE TIME is very much a romantic adventure for young women who love action films, strong characters and a complex plot.

Science Fiction doesn't need to be capitalized. And no matter what, time travel is sci-fi. Even the Time Traveler's Wife was considered to be a romantic sci-fi novel. And don't ever tell that your characters are strong or that your plot is complex. More than anything, agents hate telling rather than showing.

I wish to submitTHE TIME to you,is a romantic adventure novel, complete at 117,000 words.

Thank-you for your time,
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerity,
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Re: THE TIME revised version

Post by AllieS » March 8th, 2011, 6:01 pm

Like Joel Q said, this is probably a lot of repeat, but getting multiple opinions is always good. Don't worry about how many times you'll probably have to re-work the query. It may take a while, but eventually you'll get it exactly as you want it!

Teri Monohan is a 24 year old secret agent, who must face up to her demons after three months of exile from the British governments Secret Departments. A man is coming from another time causing problems, everyone else has tried and failed to stop him; now Teri must step up.
Yeah, this is all telling. Even switching the phrasing of the first part to "Twenty four-year-old secret agent Teri Monohan . . ." and then continuing from there gives the beginning a better start. Stating blankly what she is isn't very enticing.

Since this is sci-fi, I read the first line and wonder, "Wait, are these literal demons she's facing?" Try steering clear of cliches like this.



However, this isn’t Teri’s only problem,show the problem, don't tell me she has one by going back to work she will have to face her all-to-good-looking ex-fiancé, Carter and try to rebuild her friendship with Mac, which she should never have let disappear. Teri’s personal and work life are about to collide as she faces up to her demons like Joel Q said, repetition and tries to prove herself by completing this most mysterious of missions.

I take inspiration from writers such as Elizabeth Kostova, Kate Mosse and Meg Cabot as well as taking inspiration from other areas, such as film, particularly Inception and The Dark Knight. The theme of time travel may seem like Science Fiction, but THE TIME is very much a romantic adventure for young women who love action films, strong characters and a complex plot Yeah, definitely don't say your characters are strong or smart or anything. Let the query speak for itself.

You'll get there. Keep chugging on.

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Re: THE TIME revised version

Post by fishfood » March 8th, 2011, 9:40 pm

hannah_dreamergirl_3 wrote:Hi again,

I'm hoping this is better, though I'm uncertain about the genre now, I was sure it was YA asTeri is 25 an her friends in their twenties, but I feel the tone is suited to someone my own age (I'm seventeen) and believe it would appeal to fifteen years to mid twenties.
YA is when the protagonist is typically between 15-18 years of age, maybe up to 20 years (I'll allow the other experts to correct me if I'm wrong). Besides the age, what's important is the choices a young adult in that age range faces, usually finding a sense of his/her identity. Keep in mind that a 14 year old may enjoy reading your book, but that doesn't make it YA.

Anyways, thanks for your help, here is my new version, any constructive criticism welcome!

Dear

Teri Monohan is a 24 year old secret agent, who must face up to her demons after three months of exile from the British governments Secret Departments. Why was she exiled? A man is coming from another time causing problems, everyone else has tried and failed to stop him; now Teri must step up.

However, this isn’t Teri’s only problem, by going back to work she will have to face her all-to(too)-good-looking ex-fiancé, Carter (cliche) and try to rebuild her friendship with Mac, which she should never have let disappear. You throw this out, but it doesn't seem relevant to the query. I'm sure it's a good subplot, but probably doesn't belong in the query because it has no relevance to the rest of the plot you're describing Teri’s personal and work life are about to collide as she faces up to her demons and tries to prove herself by completing this most mysterious of missions. Vague.
I take inspiration from writers such as Elizabeth Kostova, Kate Mosse and Meg Cabot as well as taking inspiration from other areas, such as film, particularly Inception and The Dark Knight. The theme of time travel may seem like Science Fiction, but THE TIME is very much a romantic adventure for young women who love action films, strong characters and a complex plot.
I wish to submit THE TIMEto you, is a romantic adventure novel, complete at 117,000 words.

Thank-you for your time,

Hannah Bullimore

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hannah_dreamergirl_3
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Re: THE TIME revised version

Post by hannah_dreamergirl_3 » March 9th, 2011, 10:57 am

Hi guys thank-you sooo very much for your comments, here is the latest version...

Dear

The last time Teri Monohans personal life got complicated she was thrown out of the Secret Departments. Being a spy is the biggest part of her life but after things got nasty with her now ex-fiancé, she was forced to walk away.

But now a man from another time is causing havoc by trying to kill the Prime Minister, with previous attempts to catch him all failing, the number of secret agents skilled enough to take on this mission is getting ever lower. Teri’s emotional ties to her job, her long lost parents having both been agents themselves, and her own pride, mean she is all too easily bribed into taking on the assignment.

However, this isn’t Teri’s only problem, by going back to work she will not only have to face Carter, her ex-fiancé, but Mac as well, one of her oldest friends, who she knows might become something more. Teri’s personal and work life are about to collide as she faces up to her past and tries to prove herself by completing this most mysterious of missions.

The plot soon thickens as Teri realises the real danger lies closer to home, once finding this mysterious man, Michael, she finds herself believing his stories and wondering if the people she works for are really as good as they seem. With a secret plot as entangled with her own past as that of her country coming to fruition around her, she must choose between what she has always believed to be right and her own instincts.

I take inspiration from writers such as Elizabeth Kostova, Kate Mosse and Meg Cabot as well as taking inspiration from other areas, such as film, particularly Inception and The Dark Knight.

THE TIME is a romantic adventure novel, complete at 117,000 words.

Thank-you for your time and consideration,

Hannah Bullimore
Check out my new blog at, http://hannahbullimore.wordpress.com

'Good writing is to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon'

ELDoctorow

Joel Q
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Re: THE TIME revised version

Post by Joel Q » March 9th, 2011, 12:12 pm

GREAT JOB on the rewrite.
You can tighten it up a bit
JQ

hannah_dreamergirl_3 wrote:The last time Teri Monohans personal life got complicated she was thrown out of the Secret Departments. Being a spy is the biggest part of her life but after things got nasty with her now ex-fiancé, she was forced to walk away.

But now a man from another time is causing havoc by trying to kill the Prime Minister, with previous attempts to catch him all failing, the number of secret agents skilled enough to take on this mission is getting ever lower. Teri’s emotional ties to her job, her long lost parents having both been agents themselves, and her own pride, mean she is all too easily bribed into taking on the assignment. ( a little TMI, shorten it to say, She's the best person of the job.)

However, this isn’t Teri’s only problem, by going back to work she will not only have to face Carter, her ex-fiancé, but Mac as well, one of her oldest friends, who she knows might become something more. Teri’s personal and work life are about to collide as she faces up to her past and tries to prove herself by completing this most mysterious of missions.

The plot soon thickens as Teri realises the real danger lies closer to home, once finding this mysterious man, Michael, she finds (echo)herself believing his stories and wondering if the people she works for are really as good as they seem. With a secret plot as entangled with her own past as that of her country('s past?) coming to fruition around her, she must choose between what she has always believed to be right and her own instincts. (good to have her choice, I think if you tighten up the rest, you might be able to fit in the consequences here.)

I take inspiration from writers such as Elizabeth Kostova, Kate Mosse and Meg Cabot as well as taking inspiration from other areas, such as film, particularly Inception and The Dark Knight.
(Since this is a book, I'd stick to book references... but that's just me.)
THE TIME is a romantic adventure novel, complete at 117,000 words.

Thank-you for your time and consideration,

Hannah Bullimore

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hannah_dreamergirl_3
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Re: THE TIME revised version

Post by hannah_dreamergirl_3 » March 18th, 2011, 1:10 pm

Latest version....

thanks sooo much Joel Q, I really feel I'm getting there now! It's so good to know I'm on the right track.

The last time Teri Monohans personal life got complicated she was thrown out of the Secret Departments and the elite Cobra Club, made up of just five agents. When Teri was thrown out of the Secret Departments, she felt her life was over, but now a man from another time is causing havoc and everyone else has failed. Now the people who threw her out are asking for her help.

However, this isn’t Teri’s only problem, by going back to work she will not only have to face Carter, her ex-fiancé, but Mac as well, one of her oldest friends, who she knows might become something more.

Once finding this mysterious man, Michael, she becomes suspicious of her colleagues, as when she learns Michael is being controlled by a bigger organisation, her seniors aren’t prepared to listen. The reaction to the information she finds tells Teri, that something is wrong. With a secret plot as entangled with her own past as that of her country’s coming to fruition around her, she must choose between what she has always believed to be right and her own instincts.

I wish to submit to you, THE TIME, a romantic adventure novel, complete at 117,000 words. I am currently a young reviewer for the Newcastle Evening Chronicle for the second year, with work regularly published in the newspaper and online. I have also had work published in Mizz Magazine and the Northern Cross.

Thank-you for your time and consideration,

Hannah Bullimore
Check out my new blog at, http://hannahbullimore.wordpress.com

'Good writing is to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon'

ELDoctorow

glj
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Re: THE TIME revised version

Post by glj » March 18th, 2011, 3:22 pm

Hmm. I really wanted a glimpse of what havoc/effect a time-traveler would bring.

Suggestions below.


The last time Teri Monohans personal life got complicated, she was thrown out of the Secret Departments. And locked out of? the elite Cobra Club, made up of just five agents. When Teri was thrown out of the Secret Departments, She felt her life was over. But now a man from another time is causing havoc, and everyone else has failed. Granted, it is implied that "everyone else" has failed to stop him, but the sentence needs completion Now repetition of "now" the people who threw her out are asking for her help.

However, This isn’t Teri’s only problem. By going back to work she will not only have to face Carter, her ex-fiancé, but Mac as well, one of her oldest friends, who she knows might become something more. More what? More friendly? More old? Vague phrases do not add anything to the query.

Once finding this mysterious man, Michael, she becomes suspicious of her colleagues, as when she learns Michael is being controlled by a bigger organisation, her seniors aren’t prepared to listen. The reaction to the information she finds tells Teri, that something is wrong. With a secret plot as entangled with her own past as that of her country’s coming to fruition around her, I have no idea what this is supposed to convey? she must choose between what she has always believed to be right and her own instincts. This is so vague that it is really no choice at all. What are her instincts? The choice she is forced to make is the heart of query, and is what may make the reader want more.

I wish to submit to you, THE TIME, a romantic adventure novel, complete at 117,000 words. I am currently a young reviewer for the Newcastle Evening Chronicle for the second year, with work regularly published in the newspaper and online. I have also had work published in Mizz Magazine and the Northern Cross.

Thank-you for your time and consideration,

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