YA Urban Fantasy Query

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AllieS
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Re: YA Urban Fantasy Query REVISED

Post by AllieS » March 13th, 2011, 4:17 am

And . . . here we go again. By the way, I know a lot of you are asking why Sophie didn't ask who her true love is, but don't worry, it's explained in the book. I feel as though mentioning it in the query isn't absolutely necessary.

In this version, I mostly tried tightening up the last paragraph. I have two possible endings, not much variation between them, but I want to know which you guys like better and/or if they both should be changed. Thanks again for the help!



As an employee at Ellery Wildlife Preserve, eighteen-year-old Sophie Rowan is never surprised to catch people sneaking off the trails. When she finds Hugh Kedoa, the new boy at school, deep in the woods with a broken ankle, she’s startled to discover he doesn’t want her help.

When Sophie sees Hugh’s broken ankle heal itself, she realizes why he didn’t want anyone to find him.

After Sophie frees Hugh from the root his ankle is caught in, he admits that is a reddo: a human who possesses infinite knowledge and offers five answers to those who help him. Faced with the chance of having her dearest question answered, Sophie jumps at the offer. Does she have a true love?

But when she asks, Hugh’s boundless knowledge turns out to be slightly more limited than he let on.

Instead of receiving an answer, an intangible connection forms between Sophie and Hugh. Suddenly, she finds herself the exception to a supposedly foolproof rule—or at least that’s what Jonathan, Hugh’s father and one of the most powerful reddos in the world, says.

Refusing to give answers has made Jonathan an enemy, though . . . it’s the reason his family is hiding out in the wildlife preserve. Then Hugh is captured as bait for Jonathan, and Sophie is the only witness. Saving Hugh will get Sophie back her friend and her answers . . . but it will also expose her involvement in the Kedoas’ forbidden world.

As it turns out, the enemy wants to break into that world more than anything.


And the second ending:

Failing to save him means she’ll not only lose her friend, but also her answers . . . and any chance she had of finding out why she couldn’t get her first one.

If she does save him, Sophie will expose her involvement in the Kedoas’ forbidden world: the world the enemy wants to break into more than anything.

fishfood
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Re: YA Urban Fantasy Query REVISED

Post by fishfood » March 22nd, 2011, 10:17 pm

AllieS wrote:And . . . here we go again. By the way, I know a lot of you are asking why Sophie didn't ask who her true love is, but don't worry, it's explained in the book. I feel as though mentioning it in the query isn't absolutely necessary.

In this version, I mostly tried tightening up the last paragraph. I have two possible endings, not much variation between them, but I want to know which you guys like better and/or if they both should be changed. Thanks again for the help!



As an employee at Ellery Wildlife Preserve, eighteen-year-old Sophie Rowan is never surprised to catch people sneaking off the trails. When she finds Hugh Kedoa, the new boy at school, deep in the woods with a broken ankle, she’s startled to discover he doesn’t want her help. Maybe you can make this more snappy? And he does want her help doesn't he? She ends up being the one to free him, right?

Maybe try: ...never surprised to catch people sneaking off the trails. Except most of them want help if they get lost--or hurt. But not Hugh Kedoa, the new boy at school. HIs broken ankle heals itself. When Sophie sees Hugh’s broken ankle heal itself, she realizes why he didn’t want anyone to find him.

After Sophie frees Hugh from the root his ankle is caught in,
He then admits to the stunned Sophie that he's a Reddo (should you capitalize this?): a human who possesses infinite knowledge and offers five answers to those who help him. Faced with the chance of having her dearest question answered, Sophie immediately asks Hugh her heart's deepest question. Does she have a true love?
But when she asks,Turns out Hugh’s boundless knowledge turns out to beis slightly more limited than he let on.

Instead of receiving an answer, an intangible connection forms between Sophie and Hugh. Suddenly, she finds herself the exception to a supposedly foolproof rule—or at least that’s what Jonathan, Hugh’s father and one of the most powerful reddos in the world, says.

Refusing to give answers has made Jonathan an enemy, though . . . it’s the reason his family is hiding out in the wildlife preserve. This is kind of confusing. Sophie is an exception to a foolproof rule, but what does Jonathan refusing to give answers have anything to do with this. Has he blocked Hugh's knowledge? Then Hugh is captured as bait for Jonathan, and Sophie is the only witness. Saving Hugh will get Sophie back her friend and her answers (I thought Hugh couldn't give her any answers) . . . but it will also expose her involvement in the Kedoas’ forbidden world. If Sophie is exposed, what will happen to her? Is the enemy threatening to kill Hugh unless Jonathan gives them answers??
As it turns out, the enemy wants to break into that world more than anything.


And the second ending:

Failing to save him means she’ll not only lose her friend, but also her answers . . . and any chance she had of finding out why she couldn’t get her first one.

If she does save him, Sophie will expose her involvement in the Kedoas’ forbidden world: the world the enemy wants to break into more than anything.
So, I think you have a unique story here and I'm sure when people read it, it makes perfect sense, but the query leaves me with too many confused questions.

clamjaphry
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Re: YA Urban Fantasy Query REVISED

Post by clamjaphry » March 23rd, 2011, 8:46 pm

Hi Allie! I really appreciated your comments on my query, here are some thoughts on yours:
AllieS wrote: As an employee at Ellery Wildlife Preserve COOL!, eighteen-year-old Sophie Rowan is never surprised to catch people sneaking off the trails. When she finds Hugh Kedoa, the new boy at school, deep in the woods with a broken ankle, she’s startled to discover he doesn’t want her help.

When Sophie sees Hugh’s broken ankle heal itself, she realizes why he didn’t want anyone to find him.

After Sophie frees Hugh from the root his ankle is caught in the structure of this clause is awkward—dangling participle., he admits that is a reddo: a human who possesses infinite knowledge and offers five answers to those who help him. <s> Faced with the chance of having her dearest question answered,</s> this is redundant Sophie jumps at the offer. Does she have a true love?

But when she asks, Hugh’s boundless knowledge turns out to be slightly more limited than he let on.

<s> Instead of receiving an answer, an intangible connection forms between Sophie and Hugh </s>. It turns out Sophie is the exception to a supposedly foolproof rule—or at least that’s what Jonathan, Hugh’s father and one of the most powerful reddos in the world, says.

Refusing to give answers has made Jonathan an enemy, though whoa! super-confused here. The focus has shifted suddenly to Hugh's dad—why? . . . it’s the reason his family is hiding out in the wildlife preserve. Then Hugh is captured as bait for Jonathan ???, and Sophie is the only witness. Saving Hugh will get Sophie back her friend and her answers . . . but it will also expose her involvement in the Kedoas’ forbidden world. so what? why does it matter if her involvement in their world is exposed?

As it turns out, the enemy what enemy? wants to break into that world more than anything.


And the second ending:

Failing to save him means she’ll not only lose her friend, but also her answers . . . and any chance she had of finding out why she couldn’t get her first one. her first what? her true love question?

If she does save him, Sophie will expose her involvement in the Kedoas’ forbidden world: the world the enemy wants to break into more than anything.
Overall, I love the setting of a wildlife preserve, but I'm super-confused about the rules of this world, and it's not clear to me who the enemy is or what it/they want(s).

Good luck, friendsaurus!

AllieS
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Re: NEW REVISION: YA Urban Fantasy Query

Post by AllieS » March 23rd, 2011, 9:24 pm

Thanks guys! I've realized that in trying to condense everything I've made things more confusing by leaving out the connecting factors. I'll get to work fixing it.

AllieS
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Re: NEW REVISION: YA Urban Fantasy Query

Post by AllieS » March 25th, 2011, 4:35 am

All right. Looking over the older versions of the queries, I've realized that I'm too attached to the beginning of my original query. I feel as though it grabs me more. However, if you like the newer one better, definitely let me know. I'll see what people think. I changed quite a bit, taking bits and pieces from the different versions.

Sophie Rowan always hoped she had a true love. She just never expected to meet someone who could tell her straight-out if she had one.

Working at Ellery Wildlife Preserve, Sophie finds Hugh Kedoa, the new boy at school, far off the designated paths. His ankle is broken, and when Sophie helps him he admits a secret: he is a reddo, a human who possesses infinite knowledge and offers five answers to those who help him.

Sophie’s known her dearest question for years, and jumps at the offer. Does she have a true love?

But Hugh can't answer Sophie’s question. Instead, an intangible connection forms between them—something Hugh’s father, one of the most powerful reddos in the world, claims has never happened before. Now, Sophie finds herself caught in a world she was never supposed to be part of. What’s worse, she’s connected to a boy who will barely talk to her, let alone help her try to find her answer.

Sophie’s supposed to keep a distance from the Kedoas’ forbidden world, but the secrets she learns pull her in deeper. Like how someone else in town might know the Kedoas’ true identities. How a man with a grudge is hunting them. He wants answers he was denied . . . answers that would endanger everyone.

When the Kedoas are in real trouble, Sophie has to find a way to use the secrets she's learned to help them. She knows that unless she can figure out whom in town to trust, she’ll lose the only people who can help her find the answer to her first question.

If she does, she’ll have to decide what she’s willing to sacrifice to save them—her normal world, her answers . . . her life.

Bron
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Re: NEW REVISION: YA Urban Fantasy Query

Post by Bron » April 1st, 2011, 5:55 am

I think the new query is mostly better, except for when you say 'When the Kedoas are in real trouble'. I prefer the specifics offered in the earlier version: Hugh was kidnapped as bait for his father. I also don't think you need the sentence 'Like how someone else in town might know the Kedoas' true identities.' This seems less of a problem than the man with a grudge hunting them. If the person in town is the same as the man with the grudge, I think we can infer that based on the fact that he's hunting them - he wouldn't have any chance of success unless he knew their true identities.

AllieS
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Re: NEW REVISION: YA Urban Fantasy Query

Post by AllieS » April 6th, 2011, 10:24 pm

Thanks for the advice, Bron! I also liked having the detail about the trouble the Kedoas were in, but I was worried it was confusing people.

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