Query feedback - THE HEAVY DARK - take 3

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fersnerfer
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Re: Query feedback - THE HEAVY DARK - take 2

Post by fersnerfer » February 10th, 2011, 5:40 pm

Before I revise, I want to say thanks for catching the multiple uses of words. That is one of my most annoying pet peeves about my own writing and it always seems to be a blind spot for me when I edit.


I'll digest and revise in a day or two. This feedback is great everyone. I appreciate it.
-------------------------------------
http://marlanesque.wordpress.com/
Spoiler:
It turns out he really IS the killer!

fersnerfer
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One more time

Post by fersnerfer » February 11th, 2011, 5:55 pm

Take III

Thanks again for all the suggestions!


----

Skyla has been called a witch her entire life, but she never thought they meant it literally.

Up until now, Skyla was just a girl unpopular at school, a girl who sees stories in people’s shadows as they play against the walls. She always thought it was just a game, until things actually came out of the darkness, taking her mother and almost claiming Skyla as well.

Her ability has drawn the attention of a preacher-now-witch-hunter, The Reverend Lyle Summers, the smoking man in white with the long terrible shadow. Her home burned, Skyla must flee the walled city where she grew up, seeking answers in places where the eyes cannot see, where ravens talk and men go mad. As she searches for somewhere to belong, Skyla learns what she is capable of and must decide not only if it is a curse, but whether she will control it, or be controlled herself.

THE HEAVY DARK is an urban fantasy novel, complete at 140k words. [stuff about me]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Me
-------------------------------------
http://marlanesque.wordpress.com/
Spoiler:
It turns out he really IS the killer!

fersnerfer
Posts: 52
Joined: August 11th, 2010, 9:36 pm
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Re: Query feedback - THE HEAVY DARK - take 3

Post by fersnerfer » February 15th, 2011, 10:11 am

Bump?

Or is it perfect now?

I know it can't be perfect.
-------------------------------------
http://marlanesque.wordpress.com/
Spoiler:
It turns out he really IS the killer!

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Dankrubis
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Re: One more time

Post by Dankrubis » February 16th, 2011, 1:57 pm

Heh, guess I'll give this another shot, though you'd probably be better off getting a wider variety of opinions. I suggest critiquing other people's queries in this forum, I think that back-scratching mentality is what keeps the back-and-forth alive. (If you've already done a bunch of critiques, then what a bunch of dicks, eh?)

Anyways, problems in red, thoughts in blue.
fersnerfer wrote: Skyla has been called a witch her entire life, but she never thought they meant it literally.

Up until now, Skyla was just a girl unpopular at school, a girl who sees stories in people’s shadows as they play against the walls. I feel like, to you, this makes complete sense and you're describing it perfectly. But it's not coming across that way. What does it mean to see a story in someone's shadow? I can't really fathom it. Is she seeing a silent, black and white movie play out in people's shadows? Or are the shadow's themselves morphing into characters and doing things that don't match what the person casting the shadow is doing? She always thought it was just a game, until things actually came out of the darkness, taking her mother and almost claiming Skyla as well. I think I mentioned this before, but again, this isn't clear. Figures are emerging from the shadows and actually grabbing people and taking them? To another world of some sort?

Her ability has drawn the attention of a preacher-now-witch-hunter, this comes off as incredibly informal, like typing 'ur' instead of 'you're.' And focus on the witch hunter part. The Reverend Lyle Summers, the smoking man in white with the long terrible shadow. Her home burned, Skyla must flee the walled city where she grew up, seeking answers in places where the eyes cannot see, where ravens talk and men go mad. As she searches for somewhere to belong, Skyla learns what she is capable of and must decide not only if it is a curse, but whether she will control it, or be controlled herself.
This is getting better, but I have a rash suggestion that you can ignore if you want. If I were you, I'd write this again from scratch without looking at what you have now. Armed with the rewrites you've done so far, I bet you could come up with some big improvements if you forced your brain to write completely new material. Well, I'm guessing, at least.

Good luck!

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GaoYuQing
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Re: One more time

Post by GaoYuQing » February 17th, 2011, 8:17 am

In my own effort to recipricate and continue the back-scratching quid-pro-quo...

I had read your earlier versions of this and it seems you've come a long way. Also sounds like you suffer from the same malady as I do: trying to balance sharing enough to make it interesting, without giving away too much. I find this version intriguing enough that if I read it on the back of a book I would consider giving it a shot. I'm not one of those that feel you should explain everything away in your synopsis, but I agree with Dank that perhaps a little more explanation of what you mean about "stories in people's shadows." Sounds mysterious, but maybe a hint of what that means or implies. Like "stories in people’s shadows [when] they play against the walls, granting glimpses into the hearts of their casters." I added the [when] by the way as the current phrasing makes the mind do a little blink as it determines who the "they" are and who is playing against the walls: the people or thair shadows. Less than a second's time to figure it out of course, but it's like a stumble you make while walking--doesn't slow you down perceptually, but interrupts the rythym.
"preacher-now-witch-hunter" is ok, but I'd see if you can find another term for witch hunter in the literature, and if you can't, perhaps make up one. All those hyphenated words are cumbersome.
But all in all I like it. It piques my interest at least.

fersnerfer
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Re: Query feedback - THE HEAVY DARK - take 3

Post by fersnerfer » February 17th, 2011, 3:56 pm

thanks for the feedback and sorry if I came across as too desperate there. Just trying to keep the momentum going.
-------------------------------------
http://marlanesque.wordpress.com/
Spoiler:
It turns out he really IS the killer!

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GaoYuQing
Posts: 78
Joined: February 10th, 2011, 9:47 am
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Re: Query feedback - THE HEAVY DARK - take 3

Post by GaoYuQing » February 17th, 2011, 4:19 pm

fersnerfer wrote:thanks for the feedback and sorry if I came across as too desperate there. Just trying to keep the momentum going.
Perfectly understandable. I just tried bumping my own revision for the same reason v.v Course haven't seen any rebuilt momentum yet.

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