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Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: January 28th, 2011, 6:47 pm
by D.T.Roberts
My novel is finished and I'm ready to query. I think this sounds good but I would like more subjective eyes to take a look. Any and all comments welcome. Thanks in advance for your time.


In his world, where everything is based on hard facts, Detective Alex Mendez learns the hard way that not everything or everyone, are as they seem. Even DNA, the most compelling scientific evidence, is anything but irrefutable.

Six years after the death of his wife, Alex is raising his sixteen year old daughter alone. With their relationship already on shaky ground, a new case threatens to tear them apart. A serial rapist is active in Cypress Village and the victims are among the town most affluent women. Feeling the pressure from his department and the media, Alex takes several wrong turns following the trails of conflicting evidence to his suspect, only to learn his assumptions about the evidence were wrong. Now an innocent person is dead.

Dealing with guilt over his wife's death and chasing a villain, so cunning as to outsmart forensic investigators and a criminal profiler, Alex is at his wit's end. He begins to question everything, including his own sanity.

When Alex learns the truth about the DNA evidence, his daughter goes missing. Now, in a race against time, he must risk everything, even his life, to find her.


At 73,000 words, IRREFUTABLE is a novel about changing our priorities to overcome life’s greatest challenges. It’s about questioning the things we take for granted and the assumptions we make, based on what we see. It will appeal to readers of Lynn Hightower, Michael Connelly and Robin Cook.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: January 28th, 2011, 7:23 pm
by kevinott777
Love the title! I just have a few seconds here, so I'll just make one small suggestion for this sentence:

"A serial rapist is active in Cypress Village and the victims are among the town's most affluent women."

Instead, perhaps:

"A serial rapist in Cypress Village is targeting the town's most affluent women."

I think you have a compelling story idea. The query might need some pruning and trimming to give it a punchier feel (and more clarity/brevity in the plot description perhaps?). I like the concept of a detective whose irrefutable world crumbles around him and becomes unreliable. There's a frailty in this world that we so often try to overcome and deny...with things like DNA testing...or genetic engineering...but sooner or later, the imperfections and evils of the world confront us whether we like it or not. This is happening to the detective, and that draws me in. Especially because the stakes are very high (his precious daughter's life!).

Sorry I can't offer any more comments. I hope this helps at least a little.

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: January 28th, 2011, 7:37 pm
by D.T.Roberts
Thanks Kevin,
I guess I must have at least got something right. You seem to have a good understanding of the story.
I agree with your suggestion for the one sentence.
I'll try to go thru and tighten things up a bit.
Thanks for your input. It is appreciated.

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: January 28th, 2011, 10:19 pm
by kevinott777
You're definitely doing something right. I think it's a strong query. I'm not an expert (or an agent) so I hope I didn't come across as discouraging. Now that I have few more minutes to spare, let me clarify what I was referring to when I said pruning/trimming. Really, I was only referring to a few sentences which I pasted below (with some suggestions). Everything else seemed strong to me. Again, I'm not an expert, so please just take my suggestions with a grain (or more) of salt.

"Feeling the pressure from his department and the media, Alex takes several wrong turns following the trails of conflicting evidence to his suspect, only to learn his assumptions about the evidence were wrong. Now an innocent person is dead."

Starting this section with "feeling the pressure" felt a little awkward. Also "following the trails of conflicting evidence" felt like too many words. I'm just sensing there might be a way to shorten this sentence. For example, "takes several wrong turns" and "following the trails of conflicting evidence" seem like mirror statements...maybe just choose one of them. Here's one of many ways this might be revised: "As pressure from the media and his department builds, Alex stumbles into misleading trails of evidence that result in an innocent person's death."

And the next sentence/section:

"Dealing with guilt over his wife's death and chasing a villain, so cunning as to outsmart forensic investigators and a criminal profiler, Alex is at his wit's end."

This sentence is trying to do too much, I think. And it might (and I say that very tentatively)...it might not be necessary. After reading that Alex has already failed once, and his failure resulted in a dead body, I'm already getting the sense he is at his wit's end. You may not need to state it. Also, I don't have enough information to know why he feels guilty about his wife's death, so it may be better to not get into that in your query. Having too much detail in the query gives it more of a feel of a synopsis.

Just one more sentence:

"When Alex learns the truth about the DNA evidence, his daughter goes missing."

The word "when" creates a connection in my brain with the Alex learning the truth and his daughter going missing, as if it is a cause and effect. If that's not the case, then it might be better to say "Just as Alex learns the truth about the DNA evidence, his daughter goes missing." Or maybe even this, since the DNA miscues are already mentioned in a previous place, you don't have to restate the phrase "DNA evidence" and just say "mistakes" so: "Just as Alex discovers his mistakes, his daughter goes missing."

So putting all this together, it might look like this:

"In his world, where everything is based on hard facts, Detective Alex Mendez learns the hard way that not everything or everyone, are as they seem. Even DNA, the most compelling scientific evidence, is anything but irrefutable.

Six years after the death of his wife, Alex is raising his sixteen year old daughter alone. With their relationship already on shaky ground, a new case threatens to tear them apart. A serial rapist in Cypress Village is targeting the town's most affluent women. As pressure from the media and his department builds, Alex stumbles into misleading trails of DNA evidence that result in an innocent person's death. Just as Alex discovers his mistakes, his daughter goes missing. Now, in a race against time, he must risk everything, even his life, to find her."

This is just a suggestion. You may quickly come up with a far better revision that what I did above. Just throwing my two cents into the ring. Query writing is much harder than writing the actual novel, in my opinion. The process drives me crazy, hehheh. And I'm really impatient, so that makes it even harder. I think www.queryshark.com has been a HUGE help for me, personally. It's run by the agent Janet Reid. She rocks.

I wish you the best! Hope to see IRREFUTABLE on the shelf someday...I would read it!

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: January 29th, 2011, 7:10 am
by jmbrinton
The query has good tension but go over every word carefully and check your grammar.

The opening sentence troubled me. You use the word 'hard' twice and the italics were jarring. Plus, I wouldn't close with 'is anything but'--it's like a double negative, too hard to wrap your brain around its meaning--although I appreciate you are trying to thrown in your title.

And I think there is a grammatical error in 'not everything or everyone, are as they seem'. I believe it should be 'not everything, or everyone, is at it seems." Not sure that really works either. Get a grammar goddess to proof every line before you send it out!!

Good luck.

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: January 29th, 2011, 1:53 pm
by Emily J
D.T.Roberts wrote:My novel is finished and I'm ready to query. I think this sounds good but I would like more subjective eyes to take a look. Any and all comments welcome. Thanks in advance for your time.


In his i agree with other comment that the italics are distracting and i think unnecessary world, where everything is based on hard facts, Detective Alex Mendez learns the hard agree with other comment repeat of hard feels weak way that not everything or everyone, are as they seem. Even DNA, the most compelling scientific evidence, is anything but irrefutable. this first paragraph seems superfluous, the next paragraph is where the story starts, also starting with "in his world" made my mind go the the movie trailer voice over guy!

Six years after the death of his wife, Alex is raising his sixteen year old sixteen-year-old daughter alone. With their relationship already on shaky ground, a new case threatens to tear them apart. <-- "shaky ground" and "tear them apart" are cliches, and how/why does a new case threaten their relationship? A serial rapist is active in Cypress Village and the victims are among the town most affluent women. still not getting how this case spells trouble for the father/daughter relationship Feeling the pressure from his department and the media, Alex takes several wrong turns following the trails of conflicting evidence to his suspect, only to learn his assumptions about the evidence were wrong. Now an innocent person is dead. this begs so many questions, what assumptions? what evidence? whose dead?? did Alex kill the wrong person? It's all a bit nebulous right now

Dealing with guilt over his wife's death that was six years ago right? this guy needs some therapy! and chasing a villain, <-- awkward comma so cunning as to outsmart forensic investigators and a criminal profiler, Alex is at his wit's end. <-- at wit's end is a bit cliche but also a bit understated He begins to question everything, including his own sanity.

When Alex learns the truth about the DNA evidence, what truth?? his daughter goes missing. Now, in a race against time, <-- race against time is definitely a cliche he must risk everything, even his life, to find her.


At 73,000 words, IRREFUTABLE is a novel about changing our priorities to overcome life’s greatest challenges. It’s about questioning the things we take for granted and the assumptions we make, based on what we see. <-- personally not a fan of these overt "its a book about x,y, and z" you should be able to SHOW us that in the previous paragraphs It will appeal to readers of Lynn Hightower, Michael Connelly and Robin Cook.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards
The flow of the query and the length are good, but try and avoid those cliches. Also, this query does what I see a lot o queries doing, talking about secrets and revelations without giving us a sense of what those secrets/revelations ARE. That doesn't mean you have to give us the whole plot or anything, just enough to pique our interest. I hope that makes sense! I feel like you could let us in on at least one interesting plot twist rather than just allude to them. Like the bit with DNA, why isn't it irrefutable? Are there identical twins involved or something?? Writing queries is walking a tight rope between giving too much and too little. Here, I think you could let us see behind the curtain a bit more.

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: January 30th, 2011, 5:46 am
by Bron
D.T.Roberts wrote:My novel is finished and I'm ready to query. I think this sounds good but I would like more subjective eyes to take a look. Any and all comments welcome. Thanks in advance for your time.


In his I agree about losing the italics. Apparently they don't show up in everyone's email programs, so if you're sending e-queries they might come out incorrectlyworld, where everything is based on hard facts, Detective Alex Mendez learns the hard way that not everything or everyone, are as they seem. Even DNA, the most compelling scientific evidence, is anything but irrefutable.

Six years after the death of his wife, Alex is raising his sixteen-yearold daughter alone. With their relationship already on shaky ground, a new case threatens to tear them apart. A serial rapist is active in Cypress Village and the victims are among the town's most affluent women. Feeling the pressure from his department and the media, Alex takes several wrong turns following the trails of conflicting evidence to his suspect, only to learn his assumptions about the evidence were wrong. This is a long sentence and it's a bit awkward. Try rewording, eg. Feeling under pressure, Alex takes several wrong turns before identifying someone he thinks is a viable suspect. But his assumptions about the evidence were wrong.Now an innocent person is dead. I'd also like to know how him fingering the wrong person ends up killing someone. Do they get the death penalty? Does a mob chase them down?

Dealing with guilt over his wife's death and chasing a villain, so cunning as This sounds a bit awkward. I'd change to 'cunning enough' and lose the commato outsmart forensic investigators and a criminal profiler, Alex is at his wit's end. He begins to question everything, including his own sanity.

When Alex learns the truth about the DNA evidence, his daughter goes missing. I agree that this sentence makes it sound like the two events are connected. They may be, in which case, great. Otherwise, I'd take kevinott777's suggestion.Now, in a race against time, he must risk everything, even his life, to find her. I think there's too many commas in this sentence. You've broken it up into five parts and it's not a long sentence.


At 73,000 words, IRREFUTABLE is a novel about changing our priorities to overcome life’s greatest challenges. It’s about questioning the things we take for granted and the assumptions we make, based on what we see. a crime novel that It will appeal to readers of Lynn Hightower, Michael Connelly and Robin Cook.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards
The flow is good, but I think it's a little vague on some details. And I agree you need a grammar expert to go over it. I picked up a few things on my read-through, and an agent may worry they'll find such mistakes throughout your manuscript.

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: January 31st, 2011, 1:33 pm
by D.T.Roberts
REVISED

Does this flow any better?

In his world, where everything is based on facts, Detective Alex Mendez learns the hard way that nothing is as it seems. Even DNA, the most compelling scientific evidence, is anything but irrefutable.

Six years after the death of his wife, Alex is raising his sixteen year old daughter alone. Their relationship has been on shaky ground, but a new case threatens to tear them apart. A serial rapist, who has defied forensic investigators and criminal profilers, is targeting the town’s most affluent women. Under pressure from his department and the public, Alex follows trails of conflicting evidence to his suspect, but his assumptions about the evidence were wrong. Now an innocent person is dead. When Alex learns the DNA evidence was planted, his daughter goes missing. Now, in a race against time, he must risk everything, even his life, to find her.


At 73,000 words, IRREFUTABLE, blurs the lines between Medical/Thriller and Crime/Suspense. It will appeal to readers of Lynn Hightower, Michael Connelly and Robin Cook.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: January 31st, 2011, 2:20 pm
by Quill
D.T.Roberts wrote:REVISED

Does this flow any better?

In his world, where everything is based on facts, Detective Alex Mendez learns the hard way that nothing is as it seems. Even DNA, the most compelling scientific evidence, is anything but irrefutable.
The word "thing" which appears thrice here (every thing, no thing, any thing), is just not that strong of a word to set up a dramatic cadence to warrant the repetition, it feel like. There's a vagueness about it.
Six years after the death of his wife, Alex is raising his sixteen year old daughter alone.
"sixteen-year-old" should be hyphenated.

A bit odd, the coincidence of the two sixes in the sentences, but okay.
Their relationship has been on shaky ground, but a new case threatens to tear them apart. A serial rapist, who has defied forensic investigators and criminal profilers, is targeting the town’s most affluent women.
How does this tear them apart? I was waiting for the explanation in the following sentence, but it seemed unrelated, almost like a non sequitor. Then I realized you had moved onward (without explaining).
Under pressure from his department and the public, Alex follows trails of conflicting evidence to his suspect, but his assumptions about the evidence were wrong.
I can see the public putting pressure on the dept, and the dept putting pressure on him, but it seems odd that the public would put pressure on him personally. And yet that is how it reads. Does the public even know it is him on the case?

So he's successful, he finds his suspect. The bits about conflicting and wrong assumptions do not add drama, as written, because they do not seem to have slowed him or stopped him. Or are you implying that "his suspect" is the wrong one? This could be made clearer.
Now an innocent person is dead.
This lacks drama, since all persons (except the rapist) are innocent, and it is not clear that Alex is directly responsible. Or even indirectly. He's doing the best he can, right? And presumably he is not the only police personnel on the case..
When Alex learns the DNA evidence was planted, his daughter goes missing.
Grammatically awkward: "When Alex learns, his daughter goes". Does she go precisely when he learns? That's what it sounds like. Also, "goes" and "goes missing" seems weak verbage here. For one, I don't think you mean to say that she goes. She is taken, right? Both clauses seem passive (was planted, goes missing) right when you want some punch, I would think.

Also, this is the fourth appearance of "evidence" in this very short query. I suggest excising one or two of them, perhaps by finding synonyms.
Now, in a race against time, he must risk everything, even his life, to find her.
It doesn't feel like the stakes were really set up to make this crux-sentence work like it should. We simply don't have enough detail to care enough about the outcome. This isn't helped by the cliche "a race against time" and the fourth appearance of the vague "thing" (every thing). Also, everything would include his life, so as written the redundancy weakens the punch.

At 73,000 words, IRREFUTABLE, blurs the lines between Medical/Thriller and Crime/Suspense. It will appeal to readers of Lynn Hightower, Michael Connelly and Robin Cook.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards
I think we could do with a bit more of the character of the book, what makes it unique in this crowded field of genre novels. You do have some room to work with, to flesh it out, maybe by giving us a tad more insight into the main character(s) and also how the plot points fit together, to bring more emotional impact to your description, to get us wanting more! (even though emotionality is not a big component in this genre, we must still be compelled to pick it up) (or perhaps by highlighting more of your ingenious plot we would become more engaged mentally; your choice, but we must become engaged!)

Good luck.

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: February 1st, 2011, 9:04 pm
by D.T.Roberts
REVISED.
I have taken all comments into consideration. Thanks to all.

Dear Agent,

In his world, where everything is built on fact, Detective Alex Mendez discovers the hard way that nothing is as it appears. Even the most compelling DNA evidence is far from irrefutable.

Battling personal demons after his wife died, Alex has raised his sixteen-year-old daughter alone. The demands of his job have jeopardized their relationship. Now, a new case threatens to destroy them. A serial rapist is preying on the town’s most affluent women. Meanwhile, Janet Freeman, a sexual assault nurse examiner, uses the rapes to exact her own kind of justice. Under a glaring media spotlight and pressure from his department, Alex chases his suspect down a trail of conflicting evidence. An innocent person dies when all of his assumptions prove wrong. When Alex discovers the truth, the cornered rapist sets a trap. The two most important people in his life are taken for bait. With no options and little time, Alex must choose between the woman he loves and the daughter he’s neglected, or die trying to save them both.


At 73,000 words, IRREFUTABLE, blurs the lines between Medical/Thriller and Crime/Suspense. It will appeal to readers of Lynn Hightower, Michael Connelly and Robin Cook.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: February 9th, 2011, 1:02 pm
by Ermo
Hi D.T.

Here are my comments:

I think this is begging for specifics. The first three sentences of the second graph - the setup - are good. I get it - our protagonist is a widow with a teenager and a demanding detective job. Some literary tones here that resonate with me, at least. After that, though, I get a bit confused. I don't get how Janet Freeman fits in and I'm not sure who she is exacting justice on. Is she a villian?

Next, can you give us a hint of what the trap is? Is it just abduction? And who is this woman that he loves (Janet?) because you don't mention her earlier.

I would spend more time working the literary angle, building up the relationship he has with his daughter (and this other woman) before showing that the villian/rapist is capable of taking that away.

I like the premise and really I just think you're trying to be somewhat vague in order to entice the agent to request pages to find out more. I just think that maybe it's a tad too vague.

Hope this helps and good luck.

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: February 10th, 2011, 12:08 pm
by Joel Q
D.T.Roberts wrote:
A few thoughts....
JQ

In his world, where everything is built on fact, Detective Alex Mendez discovers the hard way that nothing is as it appears. Even the most compelling DNA evidence is far from irrefutable. (Nice opening)

Battling personal demons (cliche) after his wife died, Alex has passive raised his sixteen-year-old daughter alone. The demands of his job have passive jeopardized their relationship. Now, a new case threatens to destroy them. A serial rapist is preying on the town’s most affluent women. Meanwhile, Janet Freeman, a sexual assault nurse examiner, uses the rapes to exact her own kind of justice. (I get this a sub plot of the story, but it's tossed in here without much connection or explanation.) Under a glaring media spotlight and pressure from his department, Alex chases his suspect down a trail of conflicting evidence. An innocent person dies when all of his assumptions prove wrong. When Alex discovers the truth, the cornered rapist sets a trap. The two most important people in his life are taken for bait. With no options and little time, Alex must choose between the woman he loves (I assume this is not Janet??) and the daughter he’s neglected, or die trying to save them both.

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: February 10th, 2011, 1:37 pm
by D.T.Roberts
Ermo wrote:Hi D.T.

Here are my comments:

I think this is begging for specifics. The first three sentences of the second graph - the setup - are good. I get it - our protagonist is a widow with a teenager and a demanding detective job. Some literary tones here that resonate with me, at least. After that, though, I get a bit confused. I don't get how Janet Freeman fits in and I'm not sure who she is exacting justice on. Is she a villian?

Next, can you give us a hint of what the trap is? Is it just abduction? And who is this woman that he loves (Janet?) because you don't mention her earlier.

I would spend more time working the literary angle, building up the relationship he has with his daughter (and this other woman) before showing that the villian/rapist is capable of taking that away.

I like the premise and really I just think you're trying to be somewhat vague in order to entice the agent to request pages to find out more. I just think that maybe it's a tad too vague.

Hope this helps and good luck.
Question,
How can I be more specific without my query becomming a synopsis?

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: February 10th, 2011, 2:51 pm
by Dankrubis
I think you're having a problem fully conveying your plot. We need a firm grasp on what the story is about, what the motivations are, and who's doing what to whom. I'm going to put my thoughts down as I read.
D.T.Roberts wrote: Dear Agent,

In his world, where everything is built on fact, Detective Alex Mendez discovers the hard way that nothing is as it appears. Even the most compelling DNA evidence is far from irrefutable.

Battling personal demons after his wife died, Alex has raised his sixteen-year-old daughter alone. Dead wife, sixteen-year-old daughter. I'm with you.The demands of his job have jeopardized their relationship. The demands are threatening to destroy the relationship. A little vague. I'm assuming it's a time thing, they never see each other. Now, a new case threatens to destroy them. Destroy 'them'? Or should it be 'it' as in the relationship? Or is it threatening both of them physically? Things are starting to be a little unclear. If it's threatening both of them physically, maybe this should be later in the query. A serial rapist is preying on the town’s most affluent women. Totally get it, sweet, moving on. Meanwhile, Janet Freeman, a sexual assault nurse examiner, uses the rapes to exact her own kind of justice. Sounds cool! But it also begs to have a follow-up sentence explaining something, anything. Why is she doing this? Who is she exacting this justice upon? Right now this reads like the plot equivalent of a sentence fragment. Under a glaring media spotlight and pressure from his department, Alex chases his suspect down a trail of conflicting evidence. Cool, but I'm assuming the conflicting evidence has something to do with Janet Freeman, but since I don't know, I'm leaving this sentence traveling through murky water. An innocent person dies when all of his assumptions prove wrong. Eh, this sentence seems like you want it to be powerful, but there's no power behind it, because we don't know who this innocent person is. Like seeing an extra die in a movie. When Alex discovers the truth, the cornered rapist sets a trap. I actually feel you're going too far here (into your story). It almost feels like a spoiler. The two most important people in his life are taken for bait. Good! I feel like we're back on track. With no options and little time, Alex must choose between the woman he loves and the daughter he’s neglected, or die trying to save them both. Also good, though I'd assume any guy who's not a complete and utter dickhead would save his child over his girlfriend. Plus, we really have no idea who this women is do we? I'm assuming it's Janet Freeman, but that's only because it's the only woman you've mentioned aside from the dead wife.


At 73,000 words, IRREFUTABLE, blurs the lines between Medical/Thriller and Crime/Suspense. It will appeal to readers of Lynn Hightower, Michael Connelly and Robin Cook.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards
Just for fun, I'm gonna rewrite what you have (only deleting stuff and adding as few words as possible). This is simply to show how the flow and how we follow the plot can be improved, it's not a comment on the makeup of sentences or anything. (It will also be much, much too short).
In his world, where everything is built on fact, Detective Alex Mendez discovers the hard way that nothing is as it appears. Even the most compelling DNA evidence is far from irrefutable.

Battling personal demons after his wife died, Alex has raised his sixteen-year-old daughter alone. The demands of his job have jeopardized their relationship, but a serial rapist is preying on the town’s most affluent women. Under a glaring media spotlight and pressure from his department, Alex chases his suspect down a trail of conflicting evidence. When Alex finally discovers the truth, the two most important people in his life are taken for bait. With no options and little time, Alex must choose between the woman he loves and the daughter he’s neglected, or die trying to save them both.

Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Posted: February 10th, 2011, 5:35 pm
by D.T.Roberts
REVISED: Thanks to all for your input.

Here is my revised version. All comments welcome.

Dear (Agent),

Detective Alex Mendez built his career on irrefutable facts. Now, a sociopathic forensic nurse turns Alex’s life up-side-down when she plants her cheating boyfriend’s semen into the evidence kits from three rape victims.

Since his wife’s death, Alex has raised Carmen, his teenage daughter, alone. With their relationship already on shaky ground, a new case threatens to tear them apart when a serial rapist attacks three women. Feeling abandoned, due to the demands of her father’s job, Carmen befriends the nurse who is helping her father with the investigation. Alex follows the trail of evidence and arrests his suspect. After the innocent man dies in an escape attempt, Alex discovers the evidence was planted and his daughter vanishes. Believing he should have seen the whole deception, Alex begins to doubt his own instincts. Now, with Carmen in danger, Alex faces the most difficult decision of his life: follow a new trail of evidence left by the very person who deceived him, or trust his instinct, in a desperate search to save her.

Complete at 73,000 words, IRREFUTABLE will appeal to the readers of Lynn Hightower, Michael Connelly and Robin Cook.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,

Dale Roberts
dale2118@yahoo.com