Query: IRREFUTABLE

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Joel Q
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Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Post by Joel Q » February 11th, 2011, 11:18 am

I don't like this version.
You give the story away to quickly...the nurse.

I'd combine the two and work us to the nurse and missing daughter.
(And I agree to leave out the lover.)

JQ

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Dankrubis
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Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Post by Dankrubis » February 11th, 2011, 12:03 pm

D.T.Roberts wrote: Detective Alex Mendez built his career on irrefutable facts. Now, a sociopathic forensic nurse turns Alex’s life up-side-down when she plants her cheating boyfriend’s semen into the evidence kits from three rape victims. I like this a lot better. It sets everything up, it's specific. Though I agree with Joel Q a little bit, it might be too much. I mean, in your novel, if the reader doesn't find out that the evidence kits have been tampered with until the MC does and it's halfway through already, maybe don't put it here. But if it happens in the first quarter of the book, why not?

Since his wife’s death, Alex has raised Carmen, his teenage daughter, alone. With their relationship already on shaky ground, a new case threatens to tear them apart when a serial rapist attacks three women. Feeling abandoned, due to the demands of her father’s job, Carmen befriends the nurse who is helping her father with the investigation. See this is good. Because of the setup you have of the nurse now, this simple sentence caused me to go 'OooooooOOoo, the daughter is with the sociopath! Drama!' Alex follows the trail of evidence and arrests his suspect. After the innocent man dies in an escape attempt, Alex discovers the evidence was planted and his daughter vanishes. Believing he should have seen the whole deception, Alex begins to doubt his own instincts. Now, with Carmen in danger, Alex faces the most difficult decision of his life: follow a new trail of evidence left by the very person who deceived him, or trust his instinct, in a desperate search to save her. I see you've changed this, but it doesn't read any better. Again, what kind of asshole cop, after his daughter is missing or kidnapped, would be like, "Well, I do have this thing at work, it's really important." How about just cut the 'MOST DIFFICULT DECISION OF HIS LIFE!' part and say that now he has to find his daughter and the rapist? Or hell, just finding the daughter and that bitch nurse would be enough.
Needs some more work, but vast improvement here. Flow is a lot better and we've got a better idea of the plot and the stakes. Good job. Oh, everything in red is a little cliche-ish. May want to reword.

D.T.Roberts
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Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Post by D.T.Roberts » February 11th, 2011, 2:58 pm

Let's try again. With every comment, I see ways to improve. Thanks so much.

Dear Agent,

Celebrated Detective, Alex Mendez has just received his department’s highest honor. But, his world begins to crumble when evidence in a new case leads him down a trail of deception and betrayal, to a dark secret that, when discovered, threatens to destroy him and the ones he loves.

Since his wife’s death, Alex has raised Carmen, his teenage daughter, alone. With their relationship already strained, a new case threatens to tear them apart when a serial rapist begins targeting the town’s most affluent women. Alex, spending more and more time on the case, leaves Carmen feeling abandoned. Seeking companionship and a female role model, she befriends a forensic nurse who is collecting semen evidence in the investigation.
Alex follows the DNA to his suspect, but his assumptions about the evidence are wrong; He discovers the semen was planted. Believing he should have seen the deception, Alex begins to doubt his own intuition and judgment. When an attack is captured on a bank’s security camera, and the real rapist is revealed, Carmen goes missing. Now, in a desperate search to save her, Alex must either follow a new trail of evidence left by the very person who deceived him, or be forced to trust his own instinct.

Complete at 56,000 words, IRREFUTABLE will appeal to the readers of Lynn Hightower, Michael Connelly and Robin Cook.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
It has been said that writing comes more easily if you have something to say.

misstante
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Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Post by misstante » February 27th, 2011, 2:54 pm

this sounds like a tight, face-paced, interesting read. i'm new at this, so please take my comments with the whole shaker of salt.

the italisized words confuse me
cypress village sentence awkward


In his world, where everything is based on hard facts, Detective Alex Mendez learns the hard way that nothing is as it seems. Even DNA, the most compelling scientific evidence, is anything but irrefutable.

Six years after the death of his wife, Alex is raising his sixteen year old daughter alone. With their relationship already on shaky ground, a new case threatens to tear them apart. A serial rapist in Cypress Village is attacking the town's most affluent women, and Alex feels increasing pressure from his department and the media. After following serveral dead-end leads, Alex learns his assumptions are all totally off base. Now an innocent person is dead. (is it anothre affluent woman? maybe say: the presdent of the junior league is dead? or something to personalize?)

Tormented by guilt over his wife's death and repeatedly thawarted in his attempts to catch a cunning and dangerous villain, Alex is at his wit's end. He begins to question everything, including his own sanity.

When Alex learns the truth about the DNA evidence, his daughter suddenly goes missing. Now, in a race against time, he must risk his life to find her.


At 73,000 words, IRREFUTABLE is a novel about changing our priorities to overcome life’s greatest challenges. It’s about questioning the things we take for granted and the assumptions we make, based on what we see. It will appeal to readers of Lynn Hightower, Michael Connelly and Robin Cook.(last sentence confusing to me)

In the spirit of Lynn HIghtower and Robin Cook, IRREFUTABLE is a novel about misplaced priorities and wrong assumptions. It is complete at 73000 words.


Thank you for your time and consideration

D.T.Roberts
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Re: Query: IRREFUTABLE

Post by D.T.Roberts » March 24th, 2011, 11:43 pm

Here is my FINAL version of this query. I've cooked it down to the bare essentials.
Less is more.


Dear (Agent):

For Detective Alex Mendez, a routine rape investigation becomes a nightmare when DNA evidence pegs him as the culprit.

When a rapist attacks three local women, Alex follows the trail of DNA evidence from the first two victims to his suspect. It’s an open and shut case, until DNA from the third victim is matched to Alex. To clear his name, Alex must disprove the evidence he has collected, but in doing so, he could also vindicate a sadistic predator.

Complete at 74,000 words, IRREFUTABLE is a crime thriller that will appeal to the readers of Michael Connelly and Lynn Hightower.


Thank you for your consideration.
Best regards,
It has been said that writing comes more easily if you have something to say.

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