Nightframe Query

[Mary-Catharine]

Mary Edmondson
(personal information)

(Agency information)


Dear Agent,

Brody thinks Tabitha is a hero—but, of course, love is blind.


He can’t see what she truly is: a werewolf.


Tabitha knows that one day she won’t have the ability to keep control.


Until then, she'd sacrifice her life to keep him safe, especially from Tabitha's maker and jealous admirer, Cole.


Tabitha just hopes when Brody finally sees her for the monster she is, he’ll still think she's a hero.



NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 120,000 word Paranormal Romance/ Urban Fantasy.

[oldhousejunkie]

OK, first off, it is easier for us commenters if you post revised queries in the original thread.

Second, this query is running about 345 words. Some say that is ok, but others say that you need to shoot for 250 words. I like to err on the side of caution and shoot for 250 personally. This query reads a lot like a synopsis, and can be trimmed down considerably. See below for line by line edit.

Mary Edmondson
(personal information)

(Agent information)

Dear Agent,

Teenage misfit Tabitha Colquitt is certain above all things that she's a werewolf. The use of the word "certain" almost casts a sense of doubt about Tabitha. She is either a werewolf or not. But, no matter how Brody's human scent might be tempting, her love for him is the only thing keeping her human. This smacks of "Twilight" so I'm thinking that it might not go over so well. I would go with the fact that he makes her feel human to explain their attraction. What she is uncertain of is if she can stop Cole-- a werewolf that is infatuated with her, in his fight to kill Brody and any man that gets in the way of Tabitha's affection. When Cole changed Tabitha, he thought he could have her all to himself. He didn't expect Tabitha's feelings for Brody to get into the way of that, and Brody's resilience to stay by her side no matter what sort of monster she might be. Try (starting from above): "But loving Brody may be the death of him as Tabitha has already been claimed by her maker, Cole. And he will stop at nothing to destroy anyone who would part him from Tabitha.


Now, Tabitha is not only the apple in the eye of a sadistic werewolf, but the target of wolf monarchs, the Munichs, who fight to prevent overexposure to their world. Since many rules were broken when Tabitha was changed by Cole, she will be placed on probation and Cole will be exiled. I'm not sure about this paragraph. It introduces the Munichs but also feels unnecessary. It would probably be best to combine this paragraph with the one below. Maybe: "Tabitha has more problems than being in the crosshairs of a sadistic werewolf. The Munichs, ruling class of all werewolves, will do anything to prevent the world from knowing about their kind. They give Tabitha an ultimatum: control your abilities or be executed.

If Tabitha cannot learn to hone her abilities, she will be executed or sent to Hagan Correctional Institute, a prison of dangerous hellhounds. But even with the impending trial and the risk of a prison full of volatile wolves, Tabitha’s mainly concerned with keeping Brody safe from Cole’s plot to kill him. What Tabitha doesn’t want to admit, is if she really loved Brody, she’d take him out of her new world which threatens his life. But letting go of Brody risks’ Tabitha losing what humanity she has left. Once again, you should probably merge this paragraph with the one below. I don't know if I would go into all of these details. Try to stick to the main plot points. Maybe: "While Tabitha fights to control her abilities, she must make an agonizing decision to keep Brody safe.

While others see Tabitha’s capability to protect her urges around the ones she loves as a gift, others see her as a ticking time bomb. Tabitha needs prove to the Munichs she’s not a danger during her trial, or it's hello Hagan. Tabitha doesn’t know if she’ll ever be accepted by the Munichs, or if she can let go of Brody to save him. And, she never would have guessed that when she discovered a world where terrifyingly skilled werewolves lived, she would end up being the delinquent to their society. I'm having a hard time seeing the point of this paragraph. Who are the "others" that you mention in the first line? Most of this seems to be a re-hash of what you have already established.

NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 120,000 word Paranormal Romance/ Urban Fantasy proving that loves bite is worse than its bark. I'm not sure if this is a good parting line. It's cute, but cliche. I suppose it would depend upon the agent that you are querying.

I know I cut a lot out of this query, and when I went back to see what could be added back in, I realized that there seems to be a lot missing from the plot. Much of what was in the query was repeated multiple times. I'm sure there must be more to this story, so perhaps it might help if you sat down and determined which plot points are important. If you have to (and can), boil it down to three points--one for each paragraph and construct the query to connect to those points.

Hang in there---queries are tough thing. Best of luck to you!

[Falls Apart]

Really good query, and fascinating subject! Best of luck with your search for an agent. A quick question--are you sure that this isn't young adult? I can see this having a very good demographic with teenagers, at least from the impression you give here. If it is urban fantasy, maybe put in a bit more on the action? But that's just me. Overall, great query! Just a few ideas . . .

Mary Edmondson
(personal information)

(Agent information)

Dear Agent,

Tabitha Colquitt has always been a misfit, and her newfound desire to turn into a wolf and maul her crush isn't helping things. But, no matter how tempting Brody's human scent might be tempting, she is more worried about stopping her love for him is the only thing keeping her human. What she is uncertain of is if she can stop Cole, a sadistic werwolf harboring an infatuation for her, from killing him out of envy. When Cole changed Tabitha, he thought he could have her all to himself. He didn't expect Tabitha's feelings for Brody to get into the way of that, and Brody's resilience to stay by her side no matter what sort of monster she might be.

Now, Tabitha is not only the apple in the eye of a sadistic werewolf, but Before long, Tabitha is also the target of wolf monarchs known as the Munichs, who fight to prevent overexposure to their world. Since many rules were broken when Tabitha was changed by Cole, she will be placed on probation and Cole will be exiled. If she cannot learn to hone her abilities, she will be either executed or sent to Hagan Correctional Institute, a prison of dangerous hellhounds. But even with the impending trial and the risk of a prison full of volatile wolves, Tabitha’s main concern is keeping Brody safe from Cole’s schemes. Her love may be all that's keeping her human, but letting Brody go may be what's best for him. What Tabitha doesn’t want to admit, is if she really loved Brody, she’d take him out of her new world which threatens his life. But letting go of Brody risks’ Tabitha losing what humanity she has left.

While others see Tabitha’s capability to protect her urges around the ones she loves as a gift, others see her as a ticking time bomb. Tabitha needs prove to the Munichs she’s not a danger during her trial, or it's hello Hagan. Tabitha doesn’t know if she’ll ever be accepted by the Munichs, or if she can let go of Brody to save him. And, she never would have guessed that when she discovered a world where terrifyingly skilled werewolves lived, she would end up being the delinquent to their society.

NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 120,000 word Paranormal Romance/ Urban Fantasy proving that loves bite is worse than its bark.
Mary-Catharine

Posts: 48
Joined: 01 Apr 2010, 20:56
Private message

Again, good luck!

[Mary-Catharine]

Thank you Falls Apart and oldhousejunkie! I'll try this baby again! What the two of you have said is absolutely right, and I'm going to try and apply it to my query.

[Mary-Catharine]

Mary Edmondson
(personal information)

(Agency information)


Dear Agent,

Brody thinks I’m a hero—but, of course, love is blind.


He can’t see what I truly am: a werewolf.


I know that one day I won’t be able to keep control.


Until then, I’d sacrifice my life to keep him safe from others like me who want to hunt Brody.


I just hope when Brody finally sees me for the monster I really am, he’ll still think I’m a hero.



NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 120,000 word Paranormal Romance/ Urban Fantasy.

This is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

(I've gone back to my old way of doing this query. I really don't like having a whole lot of text. If there's anyway I can work it simply like this, I'd like help in trying to make this original piece work.)

[Falls Apart]

Much, much better, but I think it's a mistake to leave Cole out of it. Devoted crush crush + barely controlled wolf-girl + jealous sadist = conflict and plot, which is what you want in a query :)
Also, it's generally a bad idea to write from the perspective of your protagonist. It'd seem more professional if you just said "Tabitha." Unless you're really a werewolf :)

[Mary-Catharine]

Mary Edmondson
(personal information)

(Agency information)


Dear Agent,

Brody thinks Tabitha is a hero—but, of course, love is blind.


He can’t see what Tabitha truly is: a werewolf.


She knows that one day she won’t be able to keep control.


Until then, I’d sacrifice her life to keep him safe from others like Tabitha who want to hunt Brody, especially her creator-- Cole.


Tabitha just hopes when Brody finally sees me for the monster she really is, he’ll still think she's a hero.



NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 120,000 word Paranormal Romance/ Urban Fantasy.

This is my first novel.

Thank you for your consideration.

(I've gone back to my old way of doing this query. I really don't like having a whole lot of text. If there's anyway I can work it simply like this, I'd like help in trying to make this original piece work.)

[kevinott777]

First of all, congrats for completing this novel -- 120,000 words no less. That in itself is an amazing feat. The second from last query was my favorite...this one:

"Brody thinks I’m a hero—but, of course, love is blind.


He can’t see what I truly am: a werewolf.


I know that one day I won’t be able to keep control.


Until then, I’d sacrifice my life to keep him safe from others like me who want to hunt Brody.


I just hope when Brody finally sees me for the monster I really am, he’ll still think I’m a hero."

The very last query version seemed to be switching in and out of first person, and I was confused about who was speaking, etc. Might be my own fault though, I'm kinda fried from a long day, haha.

I have one small suggestion on one sentence...getting rid of "be able to," kind of a burdensome phrase for the eyes...and then also adding a short sentence that gives more detail about why you can't keep control...maybe something like this:

"I know that one day I'll lose control. The smell of his flesh awakens something in me. I want to claw. Bite. Kill. I want to feed."

And then the next sentence needs less words maybe...perhaps broken up into a quicker pace by using an ellipsis?

"Until then, I’d sacrifice my life to protect him from others like me...from those who won't hesitate to destroy him."

And then in the last sentence, perhaps get rid of the word "really." I think it slows the rhythmic punch a little...it seems to deliver a harder hitting sentence without it. Just a thought.

And remember, these are merely suggestions. Hopefully there's something helpful in my comments.

Again, congratulations on completing such a big project. That takes an incredible amount of time, effort, and determination. I admire you.

[Mary-Catharine]

Why thank you, Kevin! I love your suggestions. I don't think I made it very clear that I revised my query, because I didn't make it first person. I can't wait to read yours. I'm sure it's fantastic!

[Mary-Catharine]

Mary Edmondson
(personal information)

(Agency information)


Dear Agent,

Brody thinks Tabitha is a hero—but, of course, love is blind.


He can’t see what she truly is: a werewolf.


Tabitha knows that one day she won’t have the ability to keep control.


Until then, she'd sacrifice her life to keep him safe, especially from Tabitha's maker and jealous admirer, Cole.


Tabitha just hopes when Brody finally sees her for the monster she is, he’ll still think she's a hero.



NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 125,000 word Paranormal Romance/ Urban Fantasy.

[Ermo]

Hi Mary-Catharine -

Here are my suggestions:

Mary Edmondson
(personal information)

(Agency information)

Not sure if anyone else has told you this but I have read quite a few places that you put your information at the end and delete the agency information. Maybe someone else can confirm. You want to get to the query as quickly as you can.

Until then, she'd sacrifice her life to keep him safe, especially from Tabitha's maker and jealous admirer, Cole.

Hint of conflict here but I'd like more specifics. Maker is an interesting word. I'd like to hear more about that. And "jealous admirer" isn't terribly threatening on its face but you imply that is with the whole "sacrifice her life" part. So, what exactly is Cole doing in his pursuit of Tabitha?

I hope these comments help.

[Joel Q]

Mary-Catharine,
I'm guessing you saw the short query on QueryShark similar to this one.
I like the idea but it doesn't have the cadence, the pop, to make it work.
Read it out loud, I think you'll see what I mean.
It almost needs to be poetry.

And what does, "keep control" mean? Would she hurt Brody?

JQ

Mary Edmondson
Dear Agent,
Brody thinks Tabitha is a hero—but, of course, love is blind.
He can’t see what she truly is: a werewolf.
Tabitha knows that one day she won’t have the ability to keep control.
Until then, she'd sacrifice her life to keep him safe, especially from Tabitha's maker and jealous admirer, Cole.
Tabitha just hopes when Brody finally sees her for the monster she is, he’ll still think she's a hero.

NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 125,000 word Paranormal Romance/ Urban Fantasy.