Revised Fantasy Query

[jhoward]

Here, again, is the body only (minus the personalized agent para and genre/word count) of my work in progress. Any and all input is helpful. Thank you.

The strange boy jumped off the cliff, pulling Sydney with him. As they fall she recognizes his birthmark. Has her brother really returned from the dead to take her life?

When they fall through a wormhole and end up in Barathio, the dimension of their birth, sixteen-year-old Sydney Hart discovers the secrets protecting her family. Secrets like each family member is alive, living quietly in a different dimension. And that each has a coveted ability, like her brother who can navigate interdimensionally.

Hoping to reunite their family, the siblings follow a trail of guarded clues that only they can locate. And only if they stay together. But they learn that being together has deadly consequences. It allows The Hunter, who thirsts for their abilities, to track them. It also dilutes the charm protecting their family, and all of Barathio for that matter, from the oppressive reign of Ze’el who commands an army of dragons.

Sydney now faces the same dilemma her parents did over a decade ago. If she honors her parent’s sacrifice by returning to earth, her family and Barathio will be safe. But the possibility of uniting her family is just too tempting.

[Mary-Catharine]

Here, again, is the body only (minus the personalized agent para and genre/word count) of my work in progress. Any and all input is helpful. Thank you.

The strange boy jumped off the cliff, pulling Sydney with him. As they fall she recognizes his birthmark. Has her brother really returned from the dead to take her life?(Oo-la-la. You're on fire. Here we go!)


When they fall through a wormhole and end up in Barathio, the dimension of their birth, sixteen-year-old Sydney Hart discovers the secrets protecting her family. Secrets like each family member is alive, living quietly in a different dimension. And that each has a coveted ability, like her brother who can navigate interdimensionally. (Oh, ok. Know I get it! As they were free falling, they fell through a wormhole returning to the dimension of their birth. Interesting, so her family is alive and living quietly through dimensions. What cool power does Sydney have? And what is her brothers name-- assuming he's a vital character. However, very cool.)

Hoping to reunite their family, the siblings follow a trail of guarded clues that only they can locate. And only if they stay together (sentence fragment). But they learn that being together has deadly consequences. It allows The Hunter, who thirsts for their abilities, to track them. (um, loven it. This is definitely getting somewhere. Who's the Hunter? I know what the hunter wants. You've got two bad guys here. The Hunters and Ze'el. This is were it kinda gets confusing.) It also dilutes the charm protecting their family, and all of Barathio for that matter, from the oppressive reign of Ze’el who commands an army of dragons. ( I think you should take sometime and explain the importance of Barathio, I'm not really sure what that means. So, they can travel from dimension to dimension, very cool. I was confused at first and thought they were time travelers. And Ze'el sounds like a jerk. He's a emperor who wants to take over Barathio armed with dragons.)

Sydney now faces the same dilemma her parents did over a decade ago. (What was that exactly? Remember, I don't know your story as well as you do. Pretend I'm a caveman and you're teaching me how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich-- for the sake of the PB&J you can't leave out any detail. I know it's meticulous, but you have to break it down step by step for people who don't know what your story is about. Especially if it's fantasy.)

If she honors her parent’s sacrifice by returning to earth, her family and Barathio will be safe. But the possibility of uniting her family is just too tempting. (Okay, so our lead heroine wants to reunite her family-- which I'm assuming was dead before-- I don't blame her. However, if she reunites them, there are some deadly consequences like The Hunter mooching off their abilities. Um, AMAZING! hell yeah. I can't wait to see this on the shelf! Remember, you're query reflects you and your story. You have to be able to explain your story in 250 words just like how you write it out into 100,000+) jhoward

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Joined: 07 Dec 2009, 22:41
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[Falen]

The strange boy jumped off the cliff, pulling Sydney with him. As they fall she recognizes his birthmark. Has her brother really returned from the dead to take her life?

When they fall through a wormhole and end up in Barathio, the dimension of their birth, sixteen-year-old Sydney Hart discovers the secrets protecting her family. Secrets like each family member is alive, living quietly in a different dimension. And that each has a coveted ability, like her brother who can navigate interdimensionally.

I wonder if this might be stronger if you start the query off differently. The opening sentence really threw me - it reads more like a sentence from the actual novel as opposed to a sentence in a query.
Just a little twist on where you place your "when", however, could fix that issue.

"When a strange boy jumps off a cliff, he pulls sixteen-year-old Sydney Hart with him. As they fall she recognizes his birthmark. Has her brother really returned from the dead to take her life?

They fall through a wormhole and end up in Barathio, the dimension of their birth, Sydney discovers the secrets protecting her family"

I'd also still like a bit more setup. How did she end up by a cliff by this strange boy? Did she know she's from a different dimension?

i hope that helps

[lunerunit]

The strangestrange is too vague. What is so strange about him and why is he jumping off a cliff? It is just a really weird way to start the query. And I agree with Falen about adding "When" at the beginning. boy jumped off the cliff, pulling sixteen-year-old Sydney with him. As they fall she recognizes his birthmark. Has her brother really returned from the dead to take her life?

When they fall through a wormhole and end up in Barathio, the dimension of their birth, this is really confusing. If she lived on earth, was she not born there? Do you mean the place where their soul is from? Maybe try to find a way to clarify.Sydney Hart discovers the secrets protecting her family. Secrets likeMaybe try: She discoverseach family member is alive, living quietly quietly seems much too passive in a different dimension. And thatEach has a coveted ability, like her brother who can navigate interdimensionally.

Hoping to reunite their family, I was under the impression from the paragraph above that the family was already united, living quietly in a different dimension. Do you mean that each member of the family is living in a different dimension? If so, this is definately not clear. And why do they need to reunite their family? If they are together, does it make them more powerful?the siblings how many siblings? We're talking about a family, so how many of them are there?follow a trail of guarded clues that only they can locateWhy can only they locate them? Be more specific. And only if they stay together. But they learn that being together has deadly consequences. It allows The Hunter, who thirsts for their abilities, to track them. It also dilutes the charm protecting their family, and all of Barathio for that matter, from the oppressive reign of Ze’el who commands an army of dragons.

Sydneymust choose between keeping her family and Barathio safe by returning to earth, or uniting with her family and blah, blah, blah... Just a thought. I'm not sure how to fill this in here because I do not know enough of the plot. But I hope you understand what I'm hinting at. It doesn't neccessarily have to be worded this way, but find some way to show what is at stake and what Sydney' has to do to fix it. I don't think we need to know about her parent's sacrifice. now faces the same dilemma her parents did over a decade ago. If she honors her parent’s sacrifice by returning to earth, her family and Barathio will be safe. But the possibility of uniting her family is just too tempting.

I think we need to know a lot more about the plot here, what Sydney wants, and what's at stake. I think I have a vague idea of the plot, but not enough. It sounds interesting, the traveling interdimensionally thing, but I'm still very confused. Is Sydney not dead then? She has a choice to go back to earth? It is unclear why her brother would take her from earth if she will put her family in so much danger. There has to be a good reason.

I hope these suggestions are helpful. I'm fairly new to this.

[kevinott777]

MUCH BETTER! I just commented on your original post. This is much clearer, as far as keeping track of characters. Very cool story. I wish you the best with it.

[AllieS]

The strange boy jumped off the cliff, pulling Sydney with him. Like someone said above, this sounds more like a line out of the novel. I like that your trying to start with something exciting, but I can't really appreciate the moment since I don't have a clue who is who or why this strange boy is pulling Sydney off a cliff in the first place. As they fall she recognizes his birthmark. Has her brother really returned from the dead to take her life? Ooh, I like this line. If you can add a little more plot to the first lines and then say this, it would be good.

When they fall through a wormhole and end up in Barathio, the dimension of their birth She's from another dimension? Did she always know this? Again, a little set up would clear up these problems., sixteen-year-old Sydney Hart discovers the secrets protecting her family. Secrets like each family member is alive, living quietly in a different dimension. And that each has a coveted ability, like her brother who can navigate interdimensionally. For some reason I get pulled out a little with these lines. Maybe they seem a little stilted, but I feel as though there's a way you can phrase this in a more engaging way. Does her brother explain this to her? You started the query with him, so I'd like to hear him mentioned again in more detail.

Hoping to reunite their family, the siblings follow a trail of guarded clues that only they can locate. Why only they?And only if they stay together. But they learn that being together has deadly consequences. It allows The Hunter, who thirsts for their abilities, to track them. It also dilutes the charm protecting their family,I didn't realize this charm existed and all of Barathio for that matter, from the oppressive reign of Ze’el who commands an army of dragons.

Sydney now faces the same dilemma her parents did over a decade ago.This comes out of the blue, and in regard to the following sentence, her parents made a sacrifice? These are random facts I wish would be explained better. If she honors her parent’s Is there only one parent? sacrifice by returning to earth, her family and Barathio will be safe. But the possibility of uniting her family is just too tempting.

I think this could be really interesting, there just needs to be more plot holding it together. The idea of her supposedly dead brother dragging her into a wormhole into another dimension, however, is very cool. Hope this helps, since I haven't really commented before!