Black Triangle (revised)

[Holly]

Hello, everybody. I also posted this under Lost Cargo (I can't decide on a title). I'm trying to rewrite this so it reads more like jacket copy, plus covers the first chapter -- when a photographer witnesses the crash -- since I'm sending the first chapter with queries. I appreciate any feedback.


Dear agent:

When a wildlife photographer witnesses the crash of a mysterious black triangle in Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, a chain of events begins. College student Travis Maguire discovers the photographer’s Nikon and searches for the wreck with two friends, beautiful UFO buff Lexie Collins and her skeptical brother Burke… with disastrous results.

Burke injures himself. Travis and Lexie face a cynical police department when they go for help, and the black triangle seems to vanish overnight. When they realize a sinister figure is roaming the woods, Lexie wants to go back with guns, but Travis is determined to use his wits. And he has a secret. He stole an enigmatic device that might be their only real hope to find the black triangle again… until he meets up with its owner on a dark city street.

BLACK TRIANGLE is an 80,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel about a galactic animal control ship that crashes in Washington, D.C. I’m currently outlining a sequel. (agent personalization)

As for myself, I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived in the area where the novel takes place while I worked in advertising for the ___________newspaper. My recent short fiction appeared in ______________, and I’m a member of Pennwriters and the Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Thank you for considering this project. I hope to hear from you soon.

Best regards,

[Falls Apart]

Great query! Especially love that it's the girl who's trigger-happy. Very astereotypical. :) Only a few comments . . .

Dear agent:

When a wildlife photographer captures on film the crash of a mysterious black object shaped like a triangle into Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, a chain reaction soon follows. College student Travis Maguire discovers the photographer’s Nikon and searches for the wreck with two friends, beautiful UFO buff Lexie Collins and her skeptical brother Burke… with disastrous results.

After Burke injures himself, Travis and Lexie face a cynical police department when they go for help, and the black triangle seems to vanish overnight. When they discover that a sinister figure is roaming the woods, Lexie wants to go back with guns, but Travis is determined to use his wits. And he has a secret: he stole an enigmatic is enigmatic really the right word here?device, and itmight be their only real hope to finding the black triangle again--that is,until he meets up withdid he mean to meet the owner? if not, he didn't meet up with him/her; he just meets them. its owner on a dark city street.

BLACK TRIANGLE is an 80,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel about a galactic animal control ship that crashes in Washington, D.C. shouldn't you say these things in the plot summary? we already know that it crashes into d.c., and, if the animal control ship is significant, you should have said so earlier, not right after the word count. I’m currently outlining a sequel. I've heard it can be a bad idea to mention sequels, but I'm not sure on it.(agent personalization)

As for myself, I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived in the area where the novel takes place while I worked in advertising for the ___________newspaper. My recent short fiction appeared in ______________, and I’m a member of Pennwriters and the Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Thank you for considering this project. I hope to hear from you soon.

Best regards,

[Holly]

Thanks for your feedback, Falls Apart, especially the comment about the crash in D.C. twice. I feel okay about mentioning the sequel. From the ten billion websites and interviews I've read, many agents want to know about your current work, and outlining a sequel is not the same time investment as writing a sequel. I'll find out after I send the letter. Thanks again.

[Mary-Catharine]

Dear agent:

When a wildlife photographer witnesses the crash of a mysterious black triangle in Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, a chain of events begins. College student Travis Maguire discovers the photographer’s Nikon and searches for the wreck with two friends, beautiful UFO buff Lexie Collins and her skeptical brother Burke… with disastrous results. (okay, so what I'm getting: Travis Macguire--our main character-- found a camera having mysterious photos of UFOs. I'm liking the story premise so far. I don't think the elipsis is needed.)

Burke injures himself. Travis and Lexie face a cynical police department when they go for help, and the black triangle seems to vanish overnight. When they realize a sinister figure is roaming the woods, Lexie wants to go back with guns, but Travis is determined to use his wits. (looks like Lexie is more prepared than Travis! Has he never seen the movie Signs???) And he has a secret. (oo-la-la, secrets, secret-- gotta love some secrets.) He stole an enigmatic device that might be their only real hope to find the black triangle again… until he meets up with its owner on a dark city street. (Holy crap. So, he doesn't want to kill the alien because he has a device to finding the mother ship. Excellent. I think this could be a little juicier with some more detail. Even though this is an interesting outline, I think it could use a little more: WHA-BAM!)

BLACK TRIANGLE is an 80,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel about a galactic animal control ship that crashes in Washington, D.C. I’m currently outlining a sequel. (agent personalization)

As for myself, I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived in the area where the novel takes place while I worked in advertising for the ___________newspaper. My recent short fiction appeared in ______________, and I’m a member of Pennwriters and the Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Thank you for considering this project. I hope to hear from you soon.

[Mary-Catharine]

Dear agent:

When a wildlife photographer witnesses the crash of a mysterious black triangle in Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, a chain of events begins. College student Travis Maguire discovers the photographer’s Nikon and searches for the wreck with two friends, beautiful UFO buff Lexie Collins and her skeptical brother Burke… with disastrous results. (okay, so what I'm getting: Travis Macguire--our main character-- found a camera having mysterious photos of UFOs. I'm liking the story premise so far. I don't think the elipsis is needed.)

Burke injures himself. Travis and Lexie face a cynical police department when they go for help, and the black triangle seems to vanish overnight. When they realize a sinister figure is roaming the woods, Lexie wants to go back with guns, but Travis is determined to use his wits. (looks like Lexie is more prepared than Travis! Has he never seen the movie Signs???) And he has a secret. (oo-la-la, secrets, secret-- gotta love some secrets.) He stole an enigmatic device that might be their only real hope to find the black triangle again… until he meets up with its owner on a dark city street. (Holy crap. So, he doesn't want to kill the alien because he has a device to finding the mother ship. Excellent. I think this could be a little juicier with some more detail. Even though this is an interesting outline, I think it could use a little more: WHA-BAM!)

BLACK TRIANGLE is an 80,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel about a galactic animal control ship that crashes in Washington, D.C. I’m currently outlining a sequel. (agent personalization)

As for myself, I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived in the area where the novel takes place while I worked in advertising for the ___________newspaper. My recent short fiction appeared in ______________, and I’m a member of Pennwriters and the Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Thank you for considering this project. I hope to hear from you soon.

[Quill]

When a wildlife photographer witnesses the crash of a mysterious black triangle in Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, a chain of events begins.

Appreciate the setup and info here but grammatically it seems a bit weak: When a photographer witnesses, a chain begins.

1. The two do not seem strongly enough related, at least dramatically: is it really the witnessing that triggers this chain (or is it the crash)?

2. The verbs seem weak: "witnesses" and "begins" do not suggest action. And the wording is passive; nothing triggers the chain, it just begins.

3. "Mysterious" seems subjective, and I'm wondering from who's point of view. The photographer's? And yet the photog is gone after this brief reference, so I'm not sure this is the strongest possible beginning for your query.

4. The wording begs the question "is this photographer the only one (in the middle of D.C.) who sees this?

I understand you needing to set the stage, and get the camera into the picture (or the picture into the camera, literally).

I'm seeing something like "A wildlife photographer prowling Washington D.C.'s Rock Creek Park at night witnesses the crash of a strange triangular aircraft."

College student Travis Maguire discovers the photographer’s Nikon and searches for the wreck with two friends,

Good info, but some questions arise. Must the wreck be searched for because the camera was not near the wreck? Is the park so large and densely wooded that a craft could be so hidden? Would not have hundreds of people or at least dozens seen this craft come down, and then go looking for it? Has the wreck actually vanished, been cloaked, or gone back up into the sky, or is it actually still there simply behind some foliage? I little mystery about this is fine, but I think it would be good to paint a more detailed picture about this event, so the reader can imagine being there. Give it some context.

I don't know your story but how about smoothing the transition between scenes with something like "Next morning college student Travis Maguire, jogging in the park, finds the photographer's camera. The pictures reveal the wreck, but the downed craft (or location) is gone (or unknown)" or some such..

and then:

"Travis searches for the wreck with two friends"

beautiful UFO buff Lexie Collins and her skeptical brother Burke… with disastrous results.

Good characters I think, but a bit odd, calling her beauty in here, "a beautiful buff" (an odd image) (and also, beautiful seems to skew the word "buff" to subconsciously suggest that she works out in the gym (is buff) or maybe even she's naked (in the buff), instead of just meaning she's an aficionado.

Also, I wonder if it is needed to say "with disastrous results" which seems like telling instead of showing. I don't think you need the phrase to prop up the action. Same with the chain of events phrase above; why not just show us the events and and results?

Burke injures himself. Travis and Lexie face a cynical police department when they go for help, and the black triangle seems to vanish overnight.

Good, but I'm having trouble feeling out where and when the craft is. You say it crashes (we don't know what time of day, or whether this a large woodsy park or a cement playground type park) and one guy sees it. Then another guy finds his camera and looks for the craft. Now it seems to vanish. So did he find the craft?? Something feels missing about this "chain of events". Might be good to clarify.

When they realize a sinister figure is roaming the woods, Lexie wants to go back with guns, but Travis is determined to use his wits.

Realize? Do they see this figure or simply surmise that there is this figure? What does "realize" mean? This is made more of a question by "Lexie wants to go back", as though this realization occurs away from the woods. So they surmise this figure (psychically? deductively?).

And why wouldn't Travis use his wits in addition to the guns. Why would one occlude the other? Why wouldn't they want wits AND weapons?

And, ah, so the woods are in the park, the park is wooded. Good to have this detail, though I would have liked it sooner.

And he has a secret. He stole an enigmatic device that might be their only real hope to find the black triangle again… until he meets up with its owner on a dark city street.

Ah, so they did find the craft, and enter it. Good to have this info, though I would have liked it sooner.

It seems you have stripped this down a bit too much. A little more filling out through more detail would provide a bit better feel for the story, especially the setting the sequence of events around the craft itself (where is it, who finds it, who enters it). Some of your info is there but seems that placing it in different positions might help clarify the plot for us.

BLACK TRIANGLE is an 80,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel about a galactic animal control ship that crashes in Washington, D.C. I’m currently outlining a sequel. (agent personalization)

Agree with previous poster that there's no need to repeat the crash info.

Also, seems odd to give us the animal control ship info here at the bottom. If it's important to the plot I'd work it in above, and omit any tagline of summary here with your genre and word count.

As for myself,

I would definitely omit this as unneeded.

I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived in the area where the novel takes place

This will likely not be a selling point.

while I worked in advertising for the ___________newspaper.

I'd omit this, too, since your involvement with the paper was not journalistic.

My recent short fiction appeared in ______________, and I’m a member of Pennwriters and the Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Thank you for considering this project. I hope to hear from you soon.

Good. I'd make this your closing paragraph(s) alone.

Sounds like an interesting story.

[Joel Q]

When a wildlife photographer witnesses the crash of a mysterious black triangle in Washington, D.C.’s Rock Creek Park, a chain of events begins. College student Travis Maguire discovers the photographer’s Nikon and searches for the wreck with two friends, beautiful UFO buff Lexie Collins and her skeptical brother Burke… with disastrous results.
(I'd start with the main character instead of the photographer. You're not selling the first chapter, you're trying to sell the book. Beautiful, buff and skeptical don't impact the query.)

Burke injures himself. (not important in the query and it's telling not showing) Travis and Lexie face a cynical police department when they go for help, and the black triangle seems to vanish overnight.(should be 2 sentences) When they realize ( you can write better than that) a sinister figure is roaming the woods, Lexie wants to go back with guns, but Travis is determined to use his wits. And he has a secret. He stole an enigmatic device that might be their only real hope to find the black triangle again… until he meets up with its owner (how does this change their hope?) on a dark city street. (not important to the query)

(You're not coming across with the plot, what's the story question? What is the big decision the main character has to make? what happens if he does or doesn't do it?

BLACK TRIANGLE is an 80,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel about a galactic animal control ship that crashes in Washington, D.C. (that type of info should be in the body of the query, not the closing info line.) I’m currently outlining a sequel. (agent personalization)

As for myself, I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived in the area where the novel takes place while I worked in advertising for the ___________newspaper. Delete My recent short fiction appeared in ______________, and I’m a member of Pennwriters and the Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Thank you for considering this project. I hope to hear from you soon.

Best regards,

[littlebird]

I know this is super nitpicky...but every time I read the word "buff" I thought your were saying she was like muscley. Can you change it to enthusiast?