NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

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Mary-Catharine
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NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

Post by Mary-Catharine » January 18th, 2011, 4:05 pm

Mary Edmondson
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Dear Agent,

Brody thinks I'm a hero-- but, of course, love is blind.

He can't see what I do in the mirror: a monster.

I know that one day I won't be able to keep control, and the wolf I've been trying to cage will make its debut.

Until then, I'd sacrifice my life to protect him from the beasts of a supernatural persuasion.

I just hope when Brody finally sees me for the monster I really am, he'll still think I'm a hero.

NIGHTFRAME:IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 119,000 word Urban Fantasy/ Paranormal Romance novel proving that love's 'bite' is worse than it's 'bark'.

This is my first novel. Thank you for you consideration.


Sincerely, Mary

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Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

Post by Moni12 » January 18th, 2011, 4:51 pm

Mary-Catharine wrote:Mary Edmondson
(personal information)


Dear Agent,

Brody thinks I'm a hero-- but, of course, love is blind.

He can't see what I do in the mirror: a monster. This sort of sounds like what the character sees in the mirror is an action.

I know that one day I won't be able to keep control, and the wolf I've been trying to cage will make its debut. Debut seems like the wrong word here.

Until then, I'd sacrifice my life to protect him from the beasts of a supernatural persuasion. I really like this sentence, but "beasts of a supernatural persuasion" (as much as I love the phrase) seems a little random.

I just hope when Brody finally sees me for the monster I really am, he'll still think I'm a hero.

NIGHTFRAME:IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 119,000 word Urban Fantasy/ Paranormal Romance novel proving that love's 'bite' is worse than it's 'bark'.

This is my first novel. Thank you for you consideration.


Sincerely, Mary

I really like the idea you have for this. I'm not a paranormal romance reader, but I'm definitely interested in your story.
First off, your query should be in third person and second I'm not sure if the structure of it actually works. I did recently see a query on QueryShark that was similar to this. Check out the link to see how it worked: http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2010/12/192-ftw.html. I also want to say that I like the title, but wonder what "Knight" has to do with the story.

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Mary-Catharine
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Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

Post by Mary-Catharine » January 18th, 2011, 5:19 pm

Mary Edmondson
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Dear Agent,

Brody thinks Tabitha is a hero-- but, of course, love is blind.

He can't see what she does in the mirror. A monster.

Tabitha knows that one day she won't be able to keep control, and she won't be able to cage the wolf inside.

Until then, she'd sacrifice her life to protect Brody.

She hopes when Brody finally sees her for the monster she really is, he'll still think Tabitha's a hero.

NIGHTFRAME:IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 119,000 word Urban Fantasy/ Paranormal Romance novel proving that love's 'bite' is worse than it's 'bark'.

This is my first novel. Thank you for you consideration.


Sincerely, Mary

You are absolutely right! I saw that post on Query Shark-- I tried to read all the postings on there, and I actually liked her style. So, I tried to apply it to my query.
And, indeed, you are right again about the 'knight' thing (very witty little devil you are).
I debated changing this to third person like you said; however-- after debating-- I realized how it would introduce the lead character better with the name.
And, you have been very helpful. Thank you so much for your speedy reply.

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Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

Post by Moni12 » January 18th, 2011, 5:50 pm

I really like the straightforward approach you took and I hate to be nitpicky, but I may have mispoke on my last critique. While the line about "beasts of a supernatural persuasion" is a little out of place you should still say what she's protecting him from. By the way, I love a good "old fashioned" story about a woman protecting her man ;)

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Mary-Catharine
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Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

Post by Mary-Catharine » January 18th, 2011, 6:12 pm

Mary Edmondson
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Dear Agent,

Brody thinks Tabitha is a hero-- but, of course, love is blind.

He can't see what she does in the mirror. A monster.

Tabitha knows that one day she won't be able to keep control, and she won't be able to cage the wolf inside.

Until then, she'd sacrifice her life to protect Brody from others unable to 'control' as well as Tabitha.

She hopes when Brody finally sees her for the monster she really is, he'll still think Tabitha's a hero.

NIGHTFRAME:IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 119,000 word Urban Fantasy/ Paranormal Romance novel proving that love's 'bite' is worse than it's 'bark'.

This is my first novel. Thank you for you consideration.



I hope this is better. I'm glad you think so! ;)

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Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

Post by maggie » January 19th, 2011, 9:21 am

Mary-Catharine wrote:Mary Edmondson
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Dear Agent,

Brody thinks Tabitha is a hero-- but, of course, love is blind.

He can't see what she does in the mirror. I'm assuming this means she sees herself as a monster and he doesn't? Clarify: "what she does in the mirror" sound like she's doing an action that he can't see. A monster.

Tabitha knows that one day she won't be able to keep control, and she won't be able to cage the wolf inside.

Until then, she'd sacrifice her life to protect Brody from others unable to 'control' I think the quote marks are unnecessary. as well as Tabitha.

She hopes when Brody finally sees her for the monster she really is, he'll still think Tabitha's I'd say "she's" a hero.

NIGHTFRAME:IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 119,000 word Urban Fantasy/ Paranormal Romance novel proving that love's 'bite' is worse than it'sits 'bark'. Again, I'd take out the quote marks around bite and bark.

This is my first novel. Thank you for you consideration.



I hope this is better. I'm glad you think so! ;)
The story sounds interesting! I, too, immediately thought of that query on Query Shark, and I think this style definitely lends an interesting rhythm. One thing I'd caution here, though, is that the QS example was pretty plot-heavy. That author wrote this very lyrical query, but you still knew what was going on in the book. From your query, though it sounds like a really interesting premise, I don't really get a sense of the conflict or the plot, besides that Tabitha wants to protect Brody--but that's very broad. I can just see Query Shark yelling, "But what's the book ABOUT?" :) Maybe add a few more specifics about what she's protecting him from and why...

Anyway, I think the idea sounds great and this query is off to a good start!

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Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

Post by clara_w » January 19th, 2011, 9:38 am

Brody thinks Tabitha is a hero-- but, of course, love is blind.

He can't see what she does in the mirror. A monster. I would change that. What can someone do in the mirror besides looking at itself? Maybe: But he can't see who she trully is: A monster.

Tabitha knows that one day she won't be able to keep control, and she won't be able to cage the wolf inside.

Until then, she'd sacrifice her life to protect Brody.

She hopes when Brody finally sees her for the monster she really is, he'll still think Tabitha's a hero.

NIGHTFRAME:IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 119,000 word Urban Fantasy/ Paranormal Romance novel proving that love's 'bite' is worse than it's 'bark'.

This is my first novel. Thank you for you consideration.

I like this query, it's short, simple, but I think it doesn't hook me. I have the same problem with my query, I know how hard this is, but fact is, in the end of the query, Im not caring much about Tabitha and Brody, so I'd explore a bit more, flesh out things?
Most improtantly, take this advice only if it makes sense to you. Good luck!

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Mary-Catharine
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Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

Post by Mary-Catharine » January 19th, 2011, 12:16 pm

Mary-Catharine wrote:
Mary Edmondson
(personal information)


Dear Agent,

Brody thinks Tabitha is a hero-- but, of course, love is blind.

He can't see what she trully is in the mirror: a monster.

Tabitha knows that one day she won't be able to keep control.

Until then, she'd sacrifice her life to protect Brody from others unable to control as well as Tabitha, especially from jealous werewolf-- Cole-- who'd kill any man that got in the way of Tabitha's affection.

However, Cole would never harm Brody... without her permission, and vowed to leave Tabitha's life forever if he does.

Tabitha knows Brody would sacrifice his life for her, which is why she's terrified what might happen when Brody discovers Cole's promise.

She knows that Brody's life hangs in the balance in her world, hoping that he'll one day have a normal, human life, if she can find the strength to let him go.

But, her love for Brody is the only thing keeping Tabitha in control, no matter how tempting Brody's scent might be.

Tabitha doesn't care about losing her humanity, she just hopes when Brody finally sees her for the monster she really is, he'll still think she's a hero.

NIGHTFRAME:IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT is a 119,000 word Urban Fantasy/ Paranormal Romance novel proving that loves bite is worse than it's bark.

This is my first novel. Thank you for your consideration.



"The story sounds interesting! I, too, immediately thought of that query on Query Shark, and I think this style definitely lends an interesting rhythm. One thing I'd caution here, though, is that the QS example was pretty plot-heavy. That author wrote this very lyrical query, but you still knew what was going on in the book. From your query, though it sounds like a really interesting premise, I don't really get a sense of the conflict or the plot, besides that Tabitha wants to protect Brody--but that's very broad. I can just see Query Shark yelling, "But what's the book ABOUT?" :) Maybe add a few more specifics about what she's protecting him from and why..."- you made so many excellent points, I really hope I got it right. I'm trying to really creat a plot here, and I hope I've made the two of you happy!



"I like this query, it's short, simple, but I think it doesn't hook me. I have the same problem with my query, I know how hard this is, but fact is, in the end of the query, Im not caring much about Tabitha and Brody, so I'd explore a bit more, flesh out things?
Most improtantly, take this advice only if it makes sense to you. Good luck!" - Thank you! Oh my gosh, this is harder than writing a book! Thank you for your advice, I hope I gave a little plot here! You both were absolutely right!

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Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

Post by ajcattapan » January 19th, 2011, 7:41 pm

Mary-Catherine,

I love the style you are going for here, but I'm wondering if you're answering the basic questions that a query should answer. I've read these questions (or variations of them) on several blogs (the Query Shark may be one of them). I've tried applying these four questions to your query, but I don't think I can easily answer them.

Here are the questions and my guesses as to what the answers are:

1) Who is the main character? I'm thinking it's Tabitha, but I don't know how old she is or what kind of monster she is. Is she a werewolf?

2) What one thing does your main character want more than anything else in the world? Assuming your main character is Tabitha, I'm going to guess what she wants is for Brody to love her even after he finds out she's a monster.

3) What is stopping your main character from getting what she wants? Even if I've answered questions 2 and 3 correctly, I still don't think I can answer this question. What is stopping her from finding out whether or not Brody would still love her? Why doesn't she just reveal who she really is and then see how Brody reacts?

4) What bad thing would happen if your main character does not succeed? Since I'm not sure exactly what it is Tabitha needs to do, I'm not sure what bad thing would happen if she fails.

I hope thinking about these four questions help. I know they've really helped me in the past. If I can't answer the four questions, then I've got a major problem--I'm missing a plot!

You might have clear answers to all four of these questions. If you don't, head back to your manuscript. If you do, make sure the answers to these four questions are clear to anyone who reads your query.

Best of luck to you!

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Mary-Catharine
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Re: NIGHTFRAME: IN THE RED OF THE KNIGHT Query

Post by Mary-Catharine » January 19th, 2011, 9:38 pm

ajcattapan wrote:Mary-Catherine,

I love the style you are going for here, but I'm wondering if you're answering the basic questions that a query should answer. I've read these questions (or variations of them) on several blogs (the Query Shark may be one of them). I've tried applying these four questions to your query, but I don't think I can easily answer them.

Here are the questions and my guesses as to what the answers are:

1) Who is the main character? I'm thinking it's Tabitha, but I don't know how old she is or what kind of monster she is. Is she a werewolf?

2) What one thing does your main character want more than anything else in the world? Assuming your main character is Tabitha, I'm going to guess what she wants is for Brody to love her even after he finds out she's a monster.

3) What is stopping your main character from getting what she wants? Even if I've answered questions 2 and 3 correctly, I still don't think I can answer this question. What is stopping her from finding out whether or not Brody would still love her? Why doesn't she just reveal who she really is and then see how Brody reacts?

4) What bad thing would happen if your main character does not succeed? Since I'm not sure exactly what it is Tabitha needs to do, I'm not sure what bad thing would happen if she fails.

I hope thinking about these four questions help. I know they've really helped me in the past. If I can't answer the four questions, then I've got a major problem--I'm missing a plot!

You might have clear answers to all four of these questions. If you don't, head back to your manuscript. If you do, make sure the answers to these four questions are clear to anyone who reads your query.

Best of luck to you!
Brain Blast!!!!!! Oh my god, I had a freaking epiphany when you told me this! Screw what I wrote! I'm going for a different approach and I hope you like it.
You made such an interesting point, I'm so glad you broke it down for me like that so I can really see what step I need to take with this... Holy Spaghetti Meatball Monster, I have it. I can't believe I didn't think of it before! You have no idea how much you've helped me.

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