Query: Sacred Fire, historical fiction

[rosepetal720]

Thanks in advance for any help you can give me. I've rewritten this query so many times, I can't wait until I get it just right!



Tuccia awaits trial knowing she will be executed for a crime she did not commit: losing her virginity. For other Roman women, this would not be an offense, but for a priestess of Vesta, such a sin could displease the gods and condemn Rome to ruin.

Tuccia’s accuser is an angry priest who failed to seduce her. With a priest’s testimony against her, no one will believe Tuccia is innocent. There’s only one person who can save her life: the goddess Vesta. If Vesta will allow Tuccia to perform a miracle, it will prove that she’s favored of the gods.

Tuccia has distrusted Vesta ever since another Vestal Virgin was wrongly accused and executed for the same crime. If Tuccia puts her faith in Vesta for the first time in her life and fails at the miracle, it will prove her guilt. The other vestals try to persuade her to go to trial instead, but she is tired of other people deciding her fate. She is tired of living in fear and doubt because she doesn’t know if Vesta is there for her. Instead of waiting for the priests to judge her, she decides to prove to the people of Rome – and to herself – that she has the courage to perform miracles.

Sacred Fire is a historical fiction of 88,000 words.

[Falls Apart]

Overall, really good, and an interesting premise. Just a couple things on phraseology. Also, maybe add a bit more at the end? Best of luck!

Tuccia last name? awaits her trial knowing she will be executed for a crime she did not commit: losing her virginity. For other Roman women, this would not be an offense, but for a priestess of Vesta, such a sin could displease the gods and condemn Rome to ruin.

Her accuser is an vengeful priest who failed to seduce her. With a priest’s testimony against her, no one will believe Tuccia is innocent. There’s only one person maybe better word than person? since she's a deity, that iswho can save herlife: the goddess Vesta. If Vesta will allow Tuccia to perform a miracle, it will prove thatshe isfavored by the gods.

Tuccia has distrusted Vesta ever since another Vestal Virgin was wrongly accused and executed for the same crime. If Tuccia puts her faith in Vesta for the first time in her life and fails at the miracle, it will prove her guilt. The other vestals try to persuade her to go to trial instead, but she is tired of others deciding her fate for her. She is tired of living in fear and doubt because she doesn’t know if Vesta is there for her. Instead of waiting for the priests to judge her, she decides to prove to the people of Rome – and to herself – that she has the courage to perform miracles.

Sacred Fire is an 88,000 word historical fiction.

[gilesth]

Overall, this sounds like an intriguing story. The best way to spice up this letter is to eliminate as many passive words as possible. The phrase "this would not be" could be replaced by, "this isn't," "such a sin could displease the gods" might be changed to "such a sin infuriates the gods," and so forth.

I hope that helps :)

[notw]

This sounds like a really interesting story. Definitely one I would read. The only other comment I would add about the query is at the beginning you said she is a priestess of Vesta, but later on you mention she doesn't trust her. Why would she continue to be a priestess after she no longer believes in the goddess she serves? But that just might be my own confusion :) Good luck on the rewrite!

[clara_w]

Tuccia awaits trial knowing she will be executed for a crime she did not commit: losing her virginity. For other Roman women, this would not be an offense, but for a priestess of Vesta, such a sin could displease the gods and condemn Rome to ruin.

Tuccia’s accuser is an angry priest who failed to seduce her. With a priest’s testimony against her, no one will believe sheis innocent. There’s only one person who can save her life: the goddess Vesta. If Vesta will allow Tuccia to perform a miracle, it will prove that she’s favored of the gods.

Tuccia has distrusted Vesta ever since another Vestal Virgin was wrongly accused and executed for the same crime.I thought she was a priestess of Vesta? Why would she be it if she distrusts the goddess? If Tuccia puts her faith in Vesta for the first time in her life and fails at the miracle, it will prove her guilt. The other vestals try to persuade her to go to trial instead, but she is tired of other people deciding her fate. She is tired of living in fear and doubt because she doesn’t know if Vesta is there for her. Instead of waiting for the priests to judge her, she decides to prove to the people of Rome – and to herself – that she has the courage to perform miracles.

Very interesting query. Good Luck!

[longknife]

Okay, as a fan, avid reader and writer of historical fiction, here are some thoughts:


Tuccia awaits trial knowing she will be executed for a crime she did not commit: losing her virginity. For other Roman women, this would not be an offense, but for a priestess of Vesta, such a sin could displease the gods and condemn Rome to ruin.Your 1st sentence needs to be shorter and more to the point.Here's my suggestion [something like] Tuccia will be executed for a crime she did not commit. As a priestess of Vesta, losing her virginity displeases the gods and condemns Rome.

Tuccia’s accuser is an angry priest who failed to seduce her. With a priest’s testimony against her, no one will believe Tuccia is innocent. There’s only one person who can save her life: the goddess Vesta. If Vesta will allow Tuccia to perform a miracle, it will prove that she’s favored of the gods.An angry priest she turned away accuses her. With him testifying against her, no one will believe her innocence. Only Vesta can save her. If Vesta allows Tuccia to perform a miracle, it will show she's favored of the gods.

Tuccia has distrusted Vesta ever since another Vestal Virgin was wrongly accused and executed for the same crime. If Tuccia puts her faith in Vesta for the first time in her life and fails at the miracle, it will prove her guilt. The other vestals try to persuade her to go to trial instead, but she is tired of other people deciding her fate. She is tired of living in fear and doubt because she doesn’t know if Vesta is there for her. Instead of waiting for the priests to judge her, she decides to prove to the people of Rome – and to herself – that she has the courage to perform miracles. All of this is a bit weak and doesn't really nail the points you wish to make.

Remember, this is a sales pitch and you're trying to grab someone's interest.

Sacred Fire is a historical fiction of 88,000 words,set in ....

[rosepetal720]

LVCabbie, thanks for your advice. I'm confused about the third paragraph, though. How is it weak, and how can it be stronger? What points do you think I'm trying to nail down, or need to nail down better?

[GeeGee55]

Thanks in advance for any help you can give me. I've rewritten this query so many times, I can't wait until I get it just right!



Tuccia awaits her trial knowingI dont' think she knows, would fearing be a better word? she will be executed for a crime she did not commit: losing her virginity. For other Roman women, this would not be an offense, but for a priestess of Vesta, such a sin couldI agree that could is not a strong word here displease the gods and condemn Rome to ruin.

Tuccia’s accuser is an angry vengeful priest who failed to seduce her. With a priest’s testimony against her, this last is too declarative, Tuccia believes she'll be found guilty. no one will believe Tuccia is innocent. There’s only one person is a goddess a person? Maybe try: Only the goddess Vesta has the power to save her life. who can save her life: the goddess Vesta. But, Tuccia has distrusted Vesta ever since another Vestal Virgin was wrongly accused and executed for the same crime.Still, if Vesta will allow Tuccia to perform a miracle, it will prove that she’s favored of I think it should be favored by the godsthe gods. If she fails, she will be put to death .

And I would cut what follows here, I don't think you want to make the decision a foregone conclusion, but leave some sense of mystery about what might happen If Tuccia puts her faith in Vesta for the first time in her life and . The other vestals try to persuade her to go to trial instead, but she is tired of other people deciding her fate. She is tired of living in fear and doubt because she doesn’t know if Vesta is there for her. Instead of waiting for the priests to judge her, she decides to prove to the people of Rome – and to herself – that she has the courage to perform miracles.

Sacred Fire is an historical novel of 88,000 words.

I moved some sentences to help the query flow more smoothly and suggested some words which I think are stronger. You've got an interesting story here and I wish you good luck with it.

[oldhousejunkie]

YAY! Another historical fiction writer! Overall, the story is great, but the query reads a little like a synopsis. Some of the phrasing doesn't sound like it should belong in a query for a historical fiction. The third paragraph is clunky, and would be much more effective with some editing. I'll echo Giles in that there are a lot of passive phrases that could be done away with. I'm blackberrying it so I can't make too many edits but I'm going to make some comments at the end of each paragraph.

Tuccia awaits trial knowing she will be executed for a crime she did not commit: losing her virginity. For other Roman women, this would not be an offense, but for a priestess of Vesta, such a sin could displease the gods and condemn Rome to ruin. (The first line could be cleaned up a bit. It's clunky. Maybe "Tuccia stands accused of a crime she did not commit: losing her virginity.)

Tuccia’s accuser is an angry priest who failed to seduce her. With a priest’s testimony against her, no one will believe Tuccia is innocent. There’s only one person who can save her life: the goddess Vesta. If Vesta will allow Tuccia to perform a miracle, it will prove that she’s favored of the gods. (Perhaps the first two sentences could be combined. I think the result would pack more of a punch.)

Tuccia has distrusted Vesta ever since another Vestal Virgin was wrongly accused and executed for the same crime. If Tuccia puts her faith in Vesta for the first time in her life and fails at the miracle, it will prove her guilt. The other vestals try to persuade her to go to trial instead, but she is tired of other people deciding her fate. She is tired of living in fear and doubt because she doesn’t know if Vesta is there for her. Instead of waiting for the priests to judge her, she decides to prove to the people of Rome – and to herself – that she has the courage to perform miracles. (Ok, a few lines into Tuccia starts to sound like a whiny teenager, and I'm sure that's not your intention. Also the phrase "she doesn't know if Vesta is there for her" is seriously modern. Also, your last line would be great if it wasn't for the fact that you mentioned it earlier, so maybe a re-ordering and combining
of some your paragraphs/sentences might be of help.)

Sacred Fire is a historical fiction of 88,000 words.

Best of luck to you fellow historical fiction writer!