Query Critique - Zombie Queen

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ebradmon
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Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by ebradmon » January 5th, 2010, 3:28 pm

I’m polishing up the old WIP and thought it might be high time to start on the dreaded Query – gasp! Let me know what cha-all think. (Oh, and thank you in advance.)

Scroll down for revision.

Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Who-I’m-Currently-Stalking- )

Things break around Yari. The more complicated the machine the more spectacular its demise. As if her world of technology deprivation is not quirky enough, one of the homes she’s “borrowing” is robbed by a misfit group of men. Men who have the inconvenient habit of turning into dreadful zombies when in the sun or moonlight. Now one of the zombies, who’s hot, when standing in the shade, keeps turning up around her work wanting to talk. Her otherwise understanding boss belongs to a group who knows a thing or two about zombies and wants to exterminate them. To add to her confusion, Yari’s finding herself attracted to, if not drawn to, Mr. Sort-of-dead. And that’s just the beginning of her undead issues.

Damien Winters is a hundred-year-old zombie who’s struggling to keep his brothers, and fellow gold miners, intact while under the unwavering control of an insane queen. Like all zombies, he’s faced with the destiny of being tied to the mine where he was created and existing with the knowledge that when his body falls apart he will keep on living, just in pieces. While burglarizing a mansion, Damien tries to follow his queens orders and dispose of a free loading witness. However, the strange woman’s touch heals him and blocks the control of his queen. Just being near her gives him back his freewill - a taste he can’t get enough of.

Together, Yari and Damien must uncover the secret of the zombie mine, discover that Yari’s peculiar talent is about more than just turning gadgets all sparky, and hopefully start working together before Yari’s boss can hunt down the zombie hive, or Damien’s queen has her way and blows up the gold mine, hunky zombies and all.

Curse of the Zombie Queen is a 76,000-word Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Last edited by ebradmon on January 7th, 2010, 4:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by Yoshima » January 5th, 2010, 5:37 pm

The phrase "hunky zombies" just made my day. :) Alrighty, now for the nit-picking. I think you did a pretty good job on the flow of the query; I never felt lost. That being said, I think there's some unnecessary words tucked in there (see below). It's kind of strange that you included the last name of the secondary character Damien and not your MC. If anything, I would just eliminate the last names altogether--your query reader probably won't remember them anyway.
ebradmon wrote:I’m polishing up the old WIP and thought it might be high time to start on the dreaded Query – gasp! Let me know what cha-all think. (Oh, and thank you in advance.)

Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Who-I’m-Currently-Stalking- )

Things break around Yari. The more complicated the machine the more spectacular its demise. As if her world of technology deprivation is not quirky enough, (blowing up machines doesn't seem quirky to me...more like troublesome) one of the homes she’s “borrowing” is robbed by a misfit group of men. (<---I think you should connect these two sentences--->) Men who have the inconvenient habit of turning into dreadful zombies when in the sun or moonlight. Now (take out Now) one of the zombies, who’s hot, (no comma there) when standing in the shade, keeps turning up around her work wanting to talk. (<---connect these two somehow because it's kind of choppy the way it is now--->) Her otherwise understanding boss belongs to a group who knows a thing or two about zombies and wants to exterminate them. To add to her confusion, Yari’s finding herself attracted to, if not drawn to, Mr. Sort-of-dead. And that’s just the beginning of her undead issues.

Damien Winters is a hundred-year-old zombie who’s struggling to keep his brothers, and fellow gold miners, intact while under the unwavering (take out unwavering, because I assume the control is unwavering otherwise it wouldn't be a problem, you know?) control of an insane queen. Like all zombies, he’s faced with the destiny of being tied to the mine where he was created and existing with the knowledge that when his body falls apart he will keep on living, just in pieces. (Cool concept!) While burglarizing a mansion, Damien tries to follow his queens orders and dispose of a free loading witness. However, the strange woman’s touch heals him and blocks the control of his queen. Just being near her gives him back his freewill - a taste he can’t get enough of.

Together, Yari and Damien must uncover the secret of the zombie mine (why?), discover that Yari’s peculiar talent is about more than just turning gadgets all sparky, and hopefully start working together before Yari’s boss can hunt down the zombie hive, or Damien’s queen has her way and blows up the gold mine, hunky zombies and all.

Curse of the Zombie Queen is a 76,000-word Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.
All of these are just suggestions. Good luck on revisions and your WIP!

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by shadow » January 5th, 2010, 6:38 pm

Here goes...

Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Who-I’m-Currently-Stalking- )

Things break around Yari. The more complicated the machine the more spectacular its demise. As if her world of technology deprivation is not quirky enough, one of the homes she’s “borrowing” is robbed by a misfit group of men.Interesting hook. Men who have the inconvenient habit of turning into dreadful zombies when in the sun or moonlight. So they are always zombies or only when they are outdoors?? Now one of the zombies, who’s hot, when standing in the shade, keeps turning up around her work wanting to talk. Her otherwise understanding boss belongs to a group who knows a thing or two about zombies and wants to exterminate them. To add to her confusion, Yari’s finding herself attracted to, if not drawn to, Mr. Sort-of-dead. And that’s just the beginning of her undead issues. cool

Damien Winters is a hundred-year-old zombie who’s struggling to keep his brothers, and fellow gold miners, intact while under the unwavering control of an insane queen. Like all zombies, he’s faced with the destiny of being tied to the mine where he was created and existing with the knowledge that when his body falls apart he will keep on living, just in pieces. While burglarizing a mansion, Damien tries to follow his queens orders and dispose of a free loading witness. However, the strange woman’s touch heals him and blocks the control of his queen. Just being near her gives him back his freewill - a taste he can’t get enough of.

Together, Yari and Damien must uncover the secret of the zombie mine, discover that Yari’s peculiar talent is about more than just turning gadgets all sparky, and hopefully start working together before Yari’s boss can hunt down the zombie hive, or Damien’s queen has her way and blows up the gold mine, hunky zombies and all. Awkward sentence. Break it down.

Curse of the Zombie Queen is a 76,000-word Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. Choose 1 genre. and Good luck! ~shadow~
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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ebradmon
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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by ebradmon » January 5th, 2010, 10:53 pm

Thank you Yoshima and Shadow!

Yoshima – I think the line “hunky zombies” is full of heaps of win also. I mean where can yah go to find that kind of rubbish? Now if only I could figure out how to sneak in the words “zombie sex” into the query…Would.. be.. so.. cool…

As for why did I give one protagonist a full name but not the first one? I plead over use of brandy and a possible concussion in early to late childhood… or something. (Thank you again for the wonderful suggestions.)

Shadow – Humm well zombies are zombies – right? But my made-up version is just shy about when they look all gooey dead-ish. Do I have to go into all that? Or can I wave my hand in front of the query in a you-get-the-drift kind of vagueness? Just wondering – and yes I’ll noodle how to do a re-write of that last sentence as it did the a prose version of a belly flop – thank you again for helping me!

E

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by OneChoice1 » January 6th, 2010, 12:36 am

Wow, very creative. Different take of zombies. I have a question about the title though. Is the zombie queen the main issue? The main topic of the novel? All and all, i wish you the best of luck. I hope this helped.

ebradmon wrote:I’m polishing up the old WIP and thought it might be high time to start on the dreaded Query – gasp! Let me know what cha-all think. (Oh, and thank you in advance.)

Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Who-I’m-Currently-Stalking- )

Things break around Yari. (Who, what, or where is Yari?) The more complicated the machine the more spectacular its demise. (So she just breaks machines?) As if her world of technology deprivation is not quirky enough, one of the homes she’s “borrowing” (Why does she "borrow" houses?) is robbed by a misfit group of men. (I think it would be better to connect the previous sentence with the following one.) Men who have the inconvenient habit of turning into dreadful zombies when in the sun or moonlight. (So anytime they go outside?) Now (I think you can do without the "Now") one of the zombies, who’s hot, (I think you can do without the "who's hot" part) when standing in the shade, keeps turning up around her work wanting to talk. (Suggestion: While staying in the shade, one of the zombies keeps turning up around her work wanting to talk.) Her otherwise understanding boss belongs to a group who knows a thing or two about zombies and wants to exterminate them. (I think this sentence should go last in this paragraph.) To add to her confusion, Yari’s finding herself attracted to, if not drawn to, Mr. Sort-of-dead. And (I think you can do without the "And") that’s just the beginning of her undead issues. (Insert sentence here: Her otherwise understanding boss belongs to a group who knows a thing or two about zombies and wants to exterminate them.) (By putting that sentence last, i think it'll indicate that her boss will be one of the major issues. I mean, unless he's not.)

Damien Winters is a hundred-year-old zombie who’s struggling to keep his brothers, and fellow gold miners, (Zombie gold miners. Wow. Didn't see that one coming.) intact while under the unwavering control of an insane queen. Like all zombies, he’s faced with the destiny of being tied to the mine where he was created and existing with the knowledge that when his body falls apart he will keep on living, just in pieces. (That really sucks for them. Poor zombies. So is there a particular time when their bodies fall apart? Why does this even happen? Or will i just have to read the book to find out?) While burglarizing a mansion, (Wait, is it a mansion or a house?) Damien tries to follow his queens orders and dispose of a free loading witness (Instead of a period followed by "However," maybe try a comma after "witness" and then "but") the strange woman’s touch heals him and blocks the control of his queen. Just being near her gives him back his freewill - a taste he can’t get enough of.

Together, Yari and Damien must (Must? Why?) uncover the secret of the zombie mine, discover that Yari’s peculiar talent is about more than just turning gadgets all sparky, and hopefully start working together (They don't get along? Why?) before Yari’s boss can hunt down the zombie hive, or Damien’s queen has her way and blows up the gold mine, hunky zombies (Hunky and Zombies. Never put those two words together, but that's what's good about it. It's something new to me.) and all. (This paragraph is awkward. Maybe try breaking it into two separate sentences.)

Curse of the Zombie Queen is a 76,000-word Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance novel. (Even though your novel may fit all of those genres, it would be better to choose the major one. Maybe try Paranormal Romance. I've read that that genre typically ties in with science fiction and fantasy.) Thank you for your time and consideration.
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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by Yoshima » January 6th, 2010, 12:54 am

You're welcome. :) Maybe Zombie Sex should be your new title, lol.

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by Hilabeans » January 7th, 2010, 1:28 pm

Things break around Yari (last name?). The more complicated the machine the more spectacular its demise. As if her world of technology deprivation is not (I think it's okay to use "isn't" here)quirky enough, one of the homes she’s “borrowing” is robbed by a misfit group of men. Men who have the inconvenient habit of turning into dreadful zombies when in the sun or moonlight. Now one of the zombies, who’s hot, when standing in the shade, keeps turning up around her work wanting to talk. (I know you're referring to his looks when you say "hot", but it can get confusing with the shade mention. Also, sun and moonlight - so they're zombies all the time?? Or just when exposed to moon/sunbeams??) Her otherwise understanding boss belongs to a group who knows a thing or two about zombies and wants to exterminate them. To add to her confusion, Yari’s finding herself attracted to, if not drawn to, Mr. Sort-of-dead. And that’s just the beginning of her undead issues. (Okay, I'm interested in more issues at this point. :) )

Damien Winters is a hundred-year-old zombie who’s struggling to keep his brothers, and fellow gold miners, intact (figuratively or literally like body parts?) while under the unwavering control of an insane queen. Like all zombies, he’s faced with the destiny of being tied to the mine where he was created and existing with the knowledge that when his body falls apart he will keep on living, (LOVE IT!) just in pieces. While burglarizing a mansion, Damien tries to follow his queens orders and dispose of a free loading witness. However, the strange woman’s touch heals him and blocks the control of his queen. Just being near her gives him back his freewill - a taste he can’t get enough of. (I like it despite it ending in a preposition.)

Together, Yari and Damien must uncover the secret of the zombie mine, discover that Yari’s peculiar talent is about more than just turning gadgets all sparky, and hopefully start working together before Yari’s boss can hunt down the zombie hive, or Damien’s queen has her way and blows up the gold mine, hunky zombies and all. (A little awkward.)
Curse of the Zombie Queen is a 76,000-word Urban Fantasy/Paranormal Romance novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sounds like a great read, but the query needs some fine-tuning. Thanks for giving us the opportunity to read. :) I look forward to another iteration.

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hhs

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by ebradmon » January 7th, 2010, 2:41 pm

Thank you Onechoice1 and Hilabeans!

Onechoice1 – I’m all squishy headed over the difference between Urban Fantasy (Vampires and Werewolves) and Paranormal Romance (Vampires and Werewolves with sex) … what’s the difference – minus the sex…. I’ll be safe and go with Paranormal Romance – because its girls pick right? Thanks for the crit – I’m still working out some of the changes in my head (I’m a slow thinker.)

Hilabeans – good point about the “hot” thing (But I LUUUVE that word!) I’ll try a rewrite and see if it still keeps the feel of the voice with “sexy” instead. (Can a smoking hot muscle man’s-man be sexy or does that make him all metrosexual?)

To all – yah not lovin the tombs name… For me the four, or so, little words that are called “a title” are the hardest part of writing a book!

Still haven’t worked in zombie-sex into the query – failure yet again..

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by ebradmon » January 7th, 2010, 2:45 pm

Second try...
(and yes there were problems brought up in past crit's I'm still trying to figure out how to weave in.)

Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Who-I’m-Currently-Stalking- )

Things break around Yari. The more complicated the machine the more spectacular its demise. As if her world of technology deprivation isn’t troublesome enough, a home she’s “borrowing” is robbed by a misfit group of men - men who have the inconvenient habit of turning back into dreadful zombies when in the sun or moonlight. One of the zombies, who’s sexy when standing in the shade, keeps turning up around her work wanting to talk. Her otherwise understanding boss belongs to a group who knows a thing or two about zombies and wants to exterminate them. To add to her confusion, Yari’s finding herself attracted to, if not drawn to, Mr. Sort-of-dead. And that’s just the beginning of her undead issues.

Damien is a hundred-year-old zombie who’s struggling to keep his brothers, and fellow gold miners, mentally intact while under the absolute control of an insane queen. Like all zombies, he’s faced with the destiny of being tied to the mine where he was created and existing with the knowledge that when his body falls apart he will keep on living, just in pieces. While burglarizing a house, Damien tries to follow his queens orders and dispose of a free loading witness. However, the strange woman’s touch heals him and blocks the control of his queen. Just being near her gives him back his freewill - a taste he can’t get enough of.

Yari and Damien must figure out that Yari’s talent is about more then making gadgets go all sparky before either her boss can hunt down the zombie hive, or Damien’s Queen blows up the gold mine - hunky zombies and all.

Curse of the Zombie Queen is a 75,000-word Paranormal Romance novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Again - thank you everyone in advance!

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by Yoshima » January 7th, 2010, 10:54 pm

Hello, again. :)
ebradmon wrote:Second try...
(and yes there were problems brought up in past crit's I'm still trying to figure out how to weave in.) (I feel ya!)

Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Who-I’m-Currently-Stalking- )

Things break around Yari. The more complicated the machine the more spectacular its demise (I really love this sentence). As if her world of technology deprivation isn’t troublesome enough, a home she’s “borrowing” is robbed by a misfit group of men (what are they looking to steal?) - men who have the inconvenient habit of turning back into dreadful zombies (question: what kind of zombies are they? like groaning "food food food" zombies? I think this should be something you clarify so that we aren't confused or picturing the wrong thing when you say one of them is sexy...) when in the sun or moonlight. One of the zombies, who’s sexy when standing in the shade, keeps turning up around her work wanting to talk. Her otherwise understanding boss belongs to a group who knows a thing or two about zombies and wants to exterminate them. To add to her confusion, Yari’s finding herself attracted to, if not drawn to, Mr. Sort-of-dead. (cap. dead?) And that’s just the beginning of her undead issues.

Damien (what a fabulous name ;) ) is a hundred-year-old zombie who’s struggling to keep his brothers, and fellow gold miners, mentally intact while under the absolute control of an insane queen. Like all zombies, he’s faced with the destiny of being tied to the mine where he was created and existing with the knowledge that when his body falls apart he will keep on living, just in pieces (poor Damien! I just love this concept here.). While burglarizing a house, Damien tries to follow his queens (queen's) orders and dispose of a free loading witness (maybe mention that the witness is Yari, so the reader isn't confused. Or you could even say something referring to her sparky thing so we know it's her.). However, the strange woman’s touch heals him and blocks the control of his queen. Just being near her gives him back his freewill - a taste he can’t get enough of. (I like.)

Yari and Damien must figure out that Yari’s (pronoun would do fine here) talent is about more then making gadgets go all sparky before either her boss can hunt down the zombie hive, or Damien’s Queen blows up the gold mine - hunky zombies and all. (You know how I feel about those hunky zombies. ;) I agree with the other commenters that putting so much info in this sentence is kind of awkward to read. I know it's so tempting to make a list, but as a reader it's a turn-off. What might solve this problem is elaborating a little on Yari's talent, like why it's important to saving the zombies, and then jumping into the race-against-time thing.)

Curse of the Zombie (Sex) Queen is a 75,000-word Paranormal Romance novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Again - thank you everyone in advance!

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by Dankrubis » January 11th, 2010, 8:27 pm

Dear (Mr./Mrs. Agent Who-I’m-Currently-Stalking- )

Things break around Yari. The more complicated the machine the more spectacular its demise. As if her world of technology deprivation isn’t troublesome enough, a home she’s “borrowing” is robbed by a misfit group of men - men who have the inconvenient habit of turning back I don't think 'back' is right here. It'd be okay if you described them as zombies first, then how they turn human, then how they turn 'back' into zombies in the sun. I'd just omit 'back.' into dreadful zombies when in the sun or moonlight. One of the zombies, who’s sexy I know that the zombies are a group of men, but describing one as sexy immediately made me think of a woman zombie, and I got some gender confusion later in the paragraph. It's possible that it's my fault, since I'm a heterosexual male, but it also wouldn't hurt to describe the male zombie's sexiness in a different way. when standing in the shade, keeps turning up around her work wanting to talk. Her otherwise understanding boss belongs to a group who knows a thing or two about zombies and wants to exterminate them. To add to her confusion, Yari’s finding herself attracted to, if not drawn to, Mr. Sort-of-dead. And that’s just the beginning of her undead issues. I think you need to describe Yari's effect on machinery more accurately here. From what you have in this paragraph, she just seems clumsy or simply stupid with electronics. But your last sentence makes it sound like she just touches things and they explode. If that's the case, and it has something to do with her putting zombies back together, then give us a better idea of what she does to electronics at the start.

Damien is a hundred-year-old zombie who’s struggling to keep his brothers, and fellow gold miners, gold miners? That's a little strange. mentally intact while under the absolute control of an insane queen. Like all zombies, he’s faced with the destiny of being tied to the mine where he was created and existing with the knowledge that when his body falls apart he will keep on living, just in pieces. While burglarizing a house, Damien tries to follow his queens orders and dispose of a free loading witness. However, the strange woman’s touch heals him and blocks the control of his queen. Just being near her gives him back his freewill - a taste he can’t get enough of. First off, I like 'a taste he can't get enough of.' Good stuff. Second, I'm torn on how you've structured this. I guess I kinda like how you've split this query into two parts- one synopsis from Yari's pov and one from Damien's. But I'm not positive it's the best way to go about it. It's a little jarring at first. Plus, it points to missing parts of Yari's story. For instance, I imagine that the strange woman in Damien's description is Yari. So in Yari's description, why not mention how she was attacked while the home was robbed, or that she touched one of them? They seem like pretty important pieces of her story.

Yari and Damien must figure out that Yari’s talent is about more then making gadgets go all sparky before either her boss can hunt down the zombie hive, or Damien’s Queen blows up the gold mine - hunky zombies and all. I understand why her boss would hunt down the zombie hive, but why would Damien's Queen blow up the gold mine? We need to be aware of her motivations in order to care about the threat.

Curse of the Zombie Queen is a 75,000-word Paranormal Romance novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Again - thank you everyone in advance!

This sounds like a fun little novel, for sure. If I were you, I'd give a shot at describing the novel through one POV instead of both Yari and Damien (you never know, you may enjoy it more). And another suggestion- maybe switch POV when the characters come into contact in the story. Example- start with Yari, she's in the house, it gets invaded by zombies, one attacks her, she touches it, then describe Damien. He's no longer in control of the queen. The girl that touched him runs away. He wants to get to know her. He starts stalking her at her work and sees her across the street. Then it goes back to Yari and her boss, etc. etc.

One last thing. It doesn't seem like the story is fully represented here. Here's what you've given us- A girl that has some special powers with zombies, a zombie that works in a gold mine and is no longer under his queens control thanks to the girl, and a boss that hunts zombie hives. What is Yari after? What's her motivation? Right now it only seems like you've given us the setup, the first 20 pages. Focus more on the conflict later in the story. Does Damien hatch a plan to free all the zombies using Yari's help or something? I think we need more.

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by ebradmon » January 12th, 2010, 5:08 pm

Hey thank you Dan Krubis!

Funny you picked out two words I’d changed form my original query. I added “Back” and changed “Sexy” from “Hot”. Now I’m just going to sit here and watch my head spin – sigh, query writing sucks –humph!

And why not gold miner zombies? I kind of see them as the 1900 version of a modern dot.com cube-farm worker. People worked long hours, bad bosses, little or no natural light, with no real chance of ever hitting it big. – See, perfect conditions to grow zombies! (wink)

You nailed it about this being just a tease (first 20 pages) of the story. Is that bad? I kinda read that a query should be like the back blurb of a book – enough to get someone to want to ask for more, but not a spoiler. I got a holla-lot more conflict but how much should I weave in just two paragraphs? How much is a tease, and how much is a deluge? Sigh and a grumble.

I like the idea of trying the one POV thing, I’ll give it a shot – but boyo that makes the poor brain hurt!

Great suggestions - Thank you again!
E

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by Dankrubis » January 12th, 2010, 7:33 pm

Hey thank you Dan Krubis! No prob!

And why not gold miner zombies? Well, when I think of Gold mines, I think of the California gold rush of 18-whatever. I live in California now, and I haven't seen too many gold mines around here. But seeing as how this is a novel about hunky, sexy zombies, I'm thinking it's OK!

You nailed it about this being just a tease (first 20 pages) of the story. Is that bad? I kinda read that a query should be like the back blurb of a book – enough to get someone to want to ask for more, but not a spoiler. My worry- if you only put the set-up in the query, the agent might assume you don't have a full story and reply with a form rejection. But you don't have to give the ending away by any means! Take Spiderman, for instance. The set-up of Spiderman is "Teenage geek gets bitten by radioactive spider, now he can climb buildings and shoot webs and shit!" That's kinda what you got now. You need to add in the fact that there's a dude dressing up as a goblin, flying around the city and killing people.

Hope that helps a bit!

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by ebradmon » January 13th, 2010, 2:34 pm

I think of Gold mines, I think of the California gold rush of 18-whatever. – humph– typical Californian – reads about gold and assumes we’re talking about them. I’m sorry but the 49’s gold rush in open-air strip mines was for a bunch of patsies.

this is a novel about hunky, sexy zombies – and me’s thinks your mocking my sex-pot zombies! Double humph!

My worry- if you only put the set-up in the query, the agent might assume you don't have a full story and reply with a form rejection. – NO Gasp – not the form rejection! Humm I think you may have a good point here (even if you do live in California) But its kind of what I’ve seen in the back blurbs of Romance novels. Tell it from the sexy chicks view, tell it from the man-hunk side, and allude to a deeper conflict – run away. I’ll work at diving into the “great conflict.” Just how does one do that in like two sentences?

I liked your Spider Man write up. It just needed this update: Teenage geek gets bitten by radioactive spider, now he can climb buildings and shoot webs all while having rippling abs and performing the soaking hot upside down Tobey Mcquire kiss. – See look no green dude – and yet I’m very very interested in this story…

(Thank you again for the wonderful help!)

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Re: Query Critique - Zombie Queen

Post by Tara Queries » February 19th, 2010, 9:21 pm

Absolutely hilarious. I agree with all the critiques of the previous post, but definitely think this one has some massive appeal!

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