DARK, DARK LUCK, a YA urban Fantasy

[Sanwrites]

Dear agent,

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him. To break away, the seventeen-year-old books summer school in Ireland. It pisses off his workaholic dad, which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him a new life.

His luck takes a wheels-off turn when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger. Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a mirror necklace. Next thing he knows, Cash is slammed into an alt-world that shouldn’t exist. Mobsters with magic, the Fae and a lizard creature will go to any lengths to have the talisman.

With his roommate sidekick, Cash goes after the mirror. When Jimmy is kidnapped, Cash and Kate pull off a badass rescue. Tired of no magic and crappy odds, Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae for protection. It goes awry. To break free of the wild weirdness, Cash must steal the relic from Kate. If he fails to deliver it to the Fae Queen, he becomes her Warrior––losing his independence and his girl.

DARK, DARK LUCK is a 62,000-word YA Urban Fantasy aimed at readers of high-stakes adventure and romance. It’s Wicked Lovely meets The Iron King with a male lead. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[Krista G.]

Dear agent,

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him. To break away, the seventeen-year-old books summer school in Ireland. It pisses off his workaholic dad, which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him a new life.

His luck takes a wheels-off turn when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger. I don't get the phrase "His luck takes a wheels-off turn." Is it an Irish-ism? Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a mirror necklace. Next thing he knows, Cash is slammed into an alt-world that shouldn’t exist. Mobsters with magic, the Fae and a lizard creature will go to any lengths to have the talisman. You might change "talisman" to "necklace," just for consistency's sake. I had to read this paragraph twice to make sure I understood it. Also, I really like the idea of mobsters with magic, but you don't mention that plot point again.

With his roommate sidekick, Cash goes after the mirror. Is it a mirror or a necklace? And why is it so important? When Jimmy is kidnapped, Cash and Kate pull off a badass rescue. Tired of no magic and crappy odds, Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae for protection. It goes awry. The momentum in this paragraph is good until this line. Knowing that his desperate bargain fails kind of kills the tension. To break free of the wild weirdness (Something about the phrase "wild weirdness" grates a little - it's almost like you're stretching for the alliteration), Cash must steal the relic from Kate. If he fails to deliver it to the Fae Queen, he becomes her Warrior––losing his independence and his girl. Instead of using these last few sentences, you might try setting up the stakes of his desperate bargain with the Fae and leave it at that. As it is, I'm a little confused as to why he has to steal the relic from Kate and why he'll lose his independence and his girl if he fails.

DARK, DARK LUCK is a 62,000-word YA Urban Fantasy aimed at readers of high-stakes adventure and romance. It’s Wicked Lovely meets The Iron King with a male lead. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

On the whole, I liked this. Your voice is authoritative and authentic, and Cash already seems like a character I'd want to spend a book with. That said, I think the pitch gets a little muddled by the end. I didn't understand Cash's bargain with the Fae Queen, and I wasn't sure what the necklace did or what would happen if it fell into the wrong hands. Also, you used four words ("necklace," "talisman," "mirror," and "relic") within three paragraphs to describe the same object, and I found that a bit distracting.

Good luck with this. I did wonder a little at your comparing it to WICKED LOVELY, as it sounds almost too similar to that book. The male MC is a good differentiation, but if there are other ways in which it varies from that book, I'd include those as well. For instance, I want to know more about those magical mobsters.

[Sanwrites]

Thanks, Krista,
Your suggestions are just what I needed. After doing about 50 of these, you start going cross-eyed.
I also like the Irish mobsters and will put it back in.
--Sandra

[Sanwrites]

OK, here's the revised version.

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him. To break away, the seventeen-year-old books summer school in Ireland. It pisses off his workaholic dad, which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him a new life.

His luck changes when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger. Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a mirror necklace. Next thing he knows, Cash is slammed into an alt-world that shouldn’t exist. Mobsters with magic, the Fae and lizard creature will go to any lengths to have the necklace.

With his roommate sidekick, Cash goes after the treasure. When Jimmy is kidnapped, Cash and Kate pull off a badass rescue. Tired of no magic and crappy odds, Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae for protection.
The next time the thugs come after them with their sado-magical toys, Cash is ready. What he’s not ready for is what the wild magic does to him. Like crazy jealousy over his competition for Kate–an attractive Fae lord.

The necklace can stop a civil war in Faery and spare Galway from the retribution of a Fae prince. But, it’s Cash’s bargain that will forge his identity as a hero, or destroy him.

DARK, DARK LUCK is a 62,000-word YA Urban Fantasy aimed at readers of high-stakes adventure and romance. It’s The Iron King meets Wicked Lovely with a male lead.

[Emily J]

OK, here's the revised version.

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him. To break away, the seventeen-year-old books summer school in Ireland. It pisses off his workaholic dad, which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him a new life.

His luck changes when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger. Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a mirror necklace. Next thing he knows, Cash is slammed into an alt-world i think i know what you mean here but it might be confusing for some that shouldn’t exist. Mobsters with magic, the Fae and here is where you need a serial comma unless the Fae are working with the lizard creature, which they might be and lizard creature will go to any lengths to have the necklace.

With his roommate sidekick, <-- with such a minor description do we even need to introduce the roommate? Cash goes after the treasure. <-- unclear, do you mean the necklace? what do you mean go after? has it been stolen from Kate, who got it? lizard, fae, mobsters? When Jimmy is kidnapped, <-- is that the roommate? if he is vital to the plot leave him in by all means but let us know who Jimmy is Cash and Kate pull off a badass rescue. <-- ah, I do like the word badass Tired of no magic ??? not sure what this means, Cash wants magic? has that been established? and crappy odds, but his luck improved AND he pulled off a badass rescue...? right? isn't his luck not that bad? Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae for protection.
The next time the thugs the mobsters? a bit unclear come after them with their sado-magical toys, <-- not sure what "sado-magical toys" mean, my mind went to... well maybe you can explain? Cash is ready. What he’s not ready for is what the wild magic assuming wild magic = fae magic, couldn't we rephrase to say something like "the powers granted to him by the Fae" or something more eloquent than what I just wrote? does to him. Like crazy jealousy over his competition for Kate–an attractive Fae lord. <-- sentence fragment

The necklace can stop a civil war in Faery and spare Galway oo i've been there! Galway, not Faery... is Faery a world/land/kingdom? from the retribution of a Fae prince. But, it’s Cash’s bargain that will forge his identity as a hero, or destroy him.

DARK, DARK LUCK is a 62,000-word YA Urban Fantasy aimed at readers of high-stakes adventure and romance. It’s The Iron King meets Wicked Lovely with a male lead.

You have a lively writing style, solid voice, generally good prose. My only complaint is that some of the explanations aren't clear, I think you have to keep in mind that someone reading this isn't as familiar as you with your characters, plot, or Fae myths etc.

[A La Vanille]

Dear agent,

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him. To break away, the seventeen-year-old books summer school in Ireland. It pisses off his workaholic dad, Not exactly sure how it can piss off his workaholic dad? Is it money problems? Does the dad not want more work or something? Is it even that important to mention? which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him a new life.

His luck takes a wheels-off turn when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger. Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a mirror necklace. Next thing he knows, Cash is slammed Quite honestly, I'm not a fan of "next thing he knows" and "he is slammed". They're a bit passive, yet I don't know how you could change that since I'm not an expert on your story. into an alt-world does alt-word mean alternate world? A bit confusing there. that shouldn’t exist. Mobsters with magic, the Fae and a lizard creature should there be a 'who' in here? will go to any lengths to have the talisman. is there anything particularly important about this 'talisman'? I mean, to me it's just a necklace.

With his roommate sidekick, Cash goes after the mirror. When Jimmy I'm guessing Jimmy is his roommate sidekick? Ah! Bit of confusion and rereads thereis kidnapped, Cash and Kate pull off a badass rescue. Tired of no magic and crappy odds, Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae for protection. It goes awry. What does 'awry' mean? Does she kill him? Or do things not go as planned? Maybe you can exclude this altogether, since I'm guessing 'awry' means what the next sentence is To break free of the wild weirdness, Cash must steal the relic from Kate. If he fails to deliver it to the Fae Queen, he becomes her Warrior––losing his independence what does that mean? Is he sent to jail or does his soul belong to the Queen or what? and his girl.

I like the last sentence of this paragraph, yet the rest of it is all just events that seem to have no relationship to each other. I don't even know what the Fae is, or why she is so scary. Not quite sure what you mean by "tired of no magic and crappy odds" or "wild weirdness".
DARK, DARK LUCK is a 62,000-word YA Urban Fantasy aimed at readers of high-stakes adventure and romance. It’s Wicked Lovely meets The Iron King with a male lead. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

You got yourself a cool title, proper word count, not bad closing paragraph (the reason it's just 'not bad' is because I have a slight aversion to it's "blah blah" meets "blah blah" things). I have a bit of trouble connecting with your characters. To me, Kate and Cash and even Fae have no personality or motives. If I'm correct, Cash moves to Ireland for summer school, where he meets a girl named Kate who has people chasing after her because of a necklace (which doesn't seem at all important). He falls in love with her, and then he wants to steal the mirror from her? Hm. But then his roomate is kidnapped, and Cash and Kate rescue him. And then Cash makes a bargain with this "Fae Queen" person to get the relic from her, or else he loses Kate and his "independence"?

So you see from my comments my slight confusion. If I have gotten the storyline wrong, then maybe you want to consider revising a few things for clarity.

Happy Writings and good luck! :)

[Sanwrites]

Thanks Emily and A La Vanille.
I've taken your suggestions and rewritten this for clarity. Hope it is better. Explaining things like the Wild Magic would kill the mystery, so i left them.
Thank you again. Revision 3...

Dear agent,

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him by his affluent parents. The heck with Business and Finance; he wants to find his own place in life. To break away, the seventeen-year-old books summer school in Ireland instead of SMU. His dad puts him on probation, which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him out of there.

His luck changes when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger in Galway. Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a rare Fae necklace. Because of his loyalty, Cash is slammed into a world that shouldn’t exist. Mobsters with magic, the Fae, and a lizard creature will go to any lengths to have the necklace known as the Mirror of Memory.

With Jimmy his roommate sidekick, Cash hides Kate from Irish gangsters, who use magic devices to stalk the teenagers for the treasure. When Jimmy is kidnapped, Cash and Kate pull off a badass rescue. Tired of no magic and crappy odds, Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae Queen for protection. The next time the thugs come after them with their sado-magical toys, Cash is ready. What he’s not ready for is what the Wild Magic does to him. Like crazy jealousy over his competition for Kate–an attractive Fae lord.

The necklace can stop a civil war in Faery and spare Galway from the retribution of a Fae prince. But, it’s Cash’s bargain that will forge his identity as a hero, or destroy him.

DARK, DARK LUCK is a 62,000-word YA Urban Fantasy aimed at readers of high-stakes adventure and romance who like a group-of-friends cast. It’s Midnighters meets The Iron King with a male lead. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Emily J]

Thanks Emily and A La Vanille.
I've taken your suggestions and rewritten this for clarity. Hope it is better. Explaining things like the Wild Magic would kill the mystery, so i left them.
Thank you again. Revision 3...

Dear agent,

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town <-- strikes me as off, maybe small, Texan town? and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him by his affluent parents. The heck with Business and Finance; <-- should not be a semi-colon actually but a comma he wants to find his own place in life. To break away, the seventeen-year-old books summer school in Ireland instead of SMU. His dad puts him on probation, (double secret probation?) not sure what this means, he's on probation but in Ireland?? which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him out of there.

His luck changes i don't think we've establish that he has bad luck and even if he did he already got out of Texas, wouldn't that change things? when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger in Galway. Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a rare Fae necklace. Because of his loyalty, Cash is slammed into a world that shouldn’t exist. <-- this sentence doesn't jive for me right now, maybe because who/what Cash is loyal to is not specified, or the verb "slammed" something isn't working for me Mobsters with magic, the Fae, and a lizard creature will go to any lengths to have the necklace known as the Mirror of Memory. <-- i like having a bit more info, tho I would like to know even more, like why the mirror of memory is so sought after

With Jimmy comma his roommate sidekick, Cash hides Kate from Irish gangsters, who use magic magical? devices to stalk the teenagers for the treasure. When Jimmy is kidnapped, Cash and Kate pull off a badass rescue. Tired of no magic and crappy odds, <-- "Tired of no magic" still reads as slightly unsupported, maybe "tired of being powerless" ? Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae Queen for protection. The next time the thugs come after them with their sado-magical toys, <-- this phrase still baffles me Cash is ready. What he’s not ready for is what the Wild Magic does to him. Like crazy jealousy over his competition for Kate–an attractive Fae lord. <-- this is still a sentence fragment

The necklace can stop a civil war in Faery and spare Galway from the retribution of a Fae prince. oh well, ask and ye shall receive! more info on the necklace, cool But, it’s Cash’s bargain that will forge his identity as a hero, or destroy him.

DARK, DARK LUCK is there a reason for the 2 Darks? just curious is a 62,000-word YA Urban Fantasy aimed at readers of high-stakes adventure and romance who like a group-of-friends cast. It’s Midnighters meets The Iron King with a male lead. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Still have a bit of tweaking I think. Also, I might recommend waiting a bit longer to update a revised query. Give yourself more time to ruminate and give people more time to comment. Just a thought tho! Really this isn't bad at all :)


EDIT:: Wow, I was totally wrong about that semi-colon in the first paragraph. I was just re-reading my post. My bad! Disregard you were right all along :)

[Bron]

[quote="Sanwrites"]

Dear agent,

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him by his affluent parents. The heck with Business and Finance These two words shouldn't be capitalised. You probably know that and are just doing so to emphasise their importance to his father, but it took me a few seconds to realise and a busy agent might not have those few seconds.; he wants to find his own place in life. To break away, the seventeen-year-old books summer school in Ireland instead of SMU I don't know this acronym - I assume it's a university. I'm not from the States though. If it's a widely known acronym, then please ignore me, but if you're referring to a university in Texas and querying an agent in New York, you may need to spell it out for them. His dad puts him on probation, which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him out of there.To be honest, I think this whole paragraph is too long. It seems to me that the inciting incident is Cash rescuing Kate. Everything before this is just backstory, so I'd cut it down to a line or two about Cash going to Ireland for the summer to escape his small Texas town and the office-bound future his dad has mapped out for him.

His luck changes when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger in Galway. Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a rare Fae necklace. Because of his loyalty I think this needs some more explanation, eg. "Because of his loyalty to Kate and his desire to help her," , Cash is slammed into a world that shouldn’t exist. Mobsters with magic, the Fae, and a lizard creature will go to any lengths to have the necklace known as the Mirror of Memory.

With Jimmy, his roommate sidekick, Cash hides Kate from Irish gangsters, who use magic devices to stalk the teenagers for the treasure. When Jimmy is kidnapped, Cash and Kate pull off a badass rescue. Tired of no magic and crappy odds, Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae Queen for protection. The next time the thugs come after them with their sado-magical toys, Cash is ready. What he’s not ready for is what the Wild Magic does to him. Like crazy jealousy over his competition for Kate–an attractive Fae lord.

The necklace can stop a civil war in Faery and spare Galway from the retribution of a Fae prince. But, it’s Cash’s bargain that will forge his identity as a hero, or destroy him. I don't think this last paragraph spells out the choice he must make clearly enough. I think you should take some parts of your original query, eg. 'When his bargain with the Fae Queen goes awry, Cash must steal the necklace from Kate or become a Warrior bound to the Fae Queen. He must choose between loyalty to Kate and etc. etc."

I think your novel sounds like something an agent would snap up. Bear in mind I have no experience in this area, so take all advice with a grain of salt :-)

[allegedauthor]

Thanks Emily and A La Vanille.
I've taken your suggestions and rewritten this for clarity. Hope it is better. Explaining things like the Wild Magic would kill the mystery, so i left them.
Thank you again. Revision 3...

Dear agent,

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him by his affluent parents. The heck with Business and Finance; he wants to find his own place in life. To break away, the seventeen-year-old books summer school in Ireland instead of SMU. His dad puts him on probation, which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him out of there.

His luck changes when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger in Galway. Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a rare Fae necklace. Because of his loyalty, Cash is slammed into a world that shouldn’t exist. Mobsters with magic, the Fae, and a lizard creature will go to any lengths to have the necklace known as the Mirror of Memory.

With Jimmy his roommate sidekick, Cash hides Kate from Irish gangsters, who use magic devices to stalk the teenagers for the treasure. When Jimmy is kidnapped, Cash and Kate pull off a badass rescue. Tired of no magic and crappy odds, Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae Queen for protection. The next time the thugs come after them with their sado-magical toys, Cash is ready. What he’s not ready for is what the Wild Magic does to him. Like crazy jealousy over his competition for Kate–an attractive Fae lord.

The necklace can stop a civil war in Faery and spare Galway from the retribution of a Fae prince. But, it’s Cash’s bargain that will forge his identity as a hero, or destroy him.

DARK, DARK LUCK is a 62,000-word YA Urban Fantasy aimed at readers of high-stakes adventure and romance who like a group-of-friends cast. It’s Midnighters meets The Iron King with a male lead. Thank you for your time and consideration.

What about condensing the first two paragraphs into one? Like: After Cash Flaherty ditches his small Texas town to create his own life, he...
You also need to ask yourself what the MAIN conflict is in this story. Is it the alternate reality or the Wild Magic dilemma? What does Cash want more than anything? Escape? Kate? The treasure? Also, you might want to pare down your mention of characters to 2. If too many are introduced it makes the query appear unpolished. That being said, I really like the idea of this. I can get where you are going and find it quite interesting.

Queries are awful to write, aren't they? I hate them but they are a necessary evil!

[Meredith]

Dear agent,

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him by his affluent parents. The heck with Business and Finance; he wants to find his own place in life. To break away, the seventeen-year-old books summer school in Ireland instead of SMU. His dad puts him on probation, which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him out of there. Do we really even need to know why Cash chooses to go to summer school in Ireland, or that it upsets his father? This information may belong in the synopsis, but I think it's an aside to the query. Maybe just something about wanting to get out of the small Texas town he was raised in would suffice.

His luck changes There wasn't a reference to any kind of luck to change before this. when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger in Galway. Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a rare Fae necklace. Because of his loyalty to her , Cash is slammed into a world that shouldn’t exist. Mobsters with magic, the Fae, and a lizard creature will go to any lengths to have the necklace known as the Mirror of Memory.

With Jimmy Need another comma, here. his roommate sidekick, Cash hides Kate from Irish gangsters, who use magic devices to stalk the teenagers for the treasure. When Jimmy is kidnapped, Cash and Kate pull off a badass I really don't like the word badass, here. It smacks of hyperbole and oversell to me. JMO rescue. Tired of no magic and crappy odds, Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae Queen for protection. The next time the thugs come after them with their sado-magical toys, I don't like the sado-magical toys, here, either. It's a bit flip and it draws a picture that I'm not sure is what you want. Aren't magical weapons bad enough? Cash is ready. What he’s not ready for is what the Wild Magic does to him. Like crazy jealousy over his competition for Kate–an attractive Fae lord. I don't think you need that last sentence. It's pulling against the main story line.
The necklace can stop a civil war in Faery and spare Galway from the retribution of a Fae prince. But, No comma here. it’s Cash’s bargain that will forge his identity as a hero, No comma here, either. or destroy him.

DARK, DARK LUCK is a 62,000-word YA Urban Fantasy aimed at readers of high-stakes adventure and romance who like a group-of-friends cast. It’s Midnighters meets The Iron King with a male lead. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sounds like a really good story. I would just try to pare down the query to what really has to do with the main story line, leaving out the extras.

[Sanwrites]

Bron and Alleged Author:
Thanks so much for all your helpful input! Yes, these queries are awful, and I've redone mine about twenty times. Aaack!

With your suggestions, I am putting together another one that might make sense. It's hard to pare everything down without leaving out crucial info.

Back to work.

Sandra

[AllieS]

Dear agent,

Cash Flaherty is fed up with his small Texas town and the office-bound future that’s mapped out for him by his affluent parents. The heck with Business and Finance; he wants to find his own place in life. I like this line much better as opposed to the one in the first version. It gives me a sense of what he's like. To break away, the seventeen-year-old I feel like stating his age here is awkward. Maybe starting the first line as "Seventeen-year-old Cash Flaherty" etc. books summer school in Ireland instead of SMU. His dad puts him on probation, which suits Cash just fine. Whatever gets him out of there.

His luck changes when he saves Kate Connolly from a mugger in Galway. Cash falls hard for the intriguing girl who claims she’s being hunted for a rare Fae necklace. Because of his loyalty, What does that mean? Loyalty to the girl he just met? Cash is slammed into a world that shouldn’t exist. Slammed makes me think of him hitting a brick wall, rather than being exposed to a new world. I get what you're trying to say, but a different word might clear things up. Mobsters with magic, the Fae, and a lizard creature will go to any lengths to have the necklace known as the Mirror of Memory. Ooh, good name.

With Jimmyneed a comma here his roommate sidekick, Cash hides Kate from Irish gangsters, who use magic devices to stalk the teenagers for the treasure. Is the necklace the treasure? When Jimmy is kidnapped, Cash and Kate pull off a badass rescue. I agree with the comment above that the word badass isn't working for me. Just saying they rescued her works fine. Tired of no magic and crappy odds, Cash makes a desperate bargain with the Fae Queen for protection. The next time the thugs come after them with their sado-magical toys, Cash is ready. What he’s not ready for is what the Wild Magic does to him. Hmm, starting with just "like" sounds wrong. Try making these two sentences one to make things easier.Like crazy jealousy over his competition for Kate–an attractive Fae lord.

The necklace can stop a civil war in Faery and spare Galway from the retribution of a Fae prince. But, it’s Cash’s bargain that will forge his identity as a hero, or destroy him.

DARK, DARK LUCK is a 62,000-word YA Urban Fantasy aimed at readers of high-stakes adventure and romance who like a group-of-friends cast. It’s Midnighters meets The Iron King with a male lead. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hope this helps!