Query Status: Under Construction

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Hilabeans
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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by Hilabeans » January 7th, 2010, 1:45 pm

Dear [Agent's name]:

It is a fact that no one is too virtuous for the Lord, and no one is too malfunctioned for the Lord to give up on. No matter how murky the sin, the Lord can deliver forgiveness even if the world can’t. It all has to do with faith. (I'm not digging this as your hook. It sounds too formal or too wordy - I can't decide. Also, it reminds me of the opening to Austen's Pride & Prejudice for some reason. I'd delete and pick it up here.)What the world doesn’t give you, the world can’t take away. (Love it, but move it to the beginning of the next paragraph.) The novel is titled Use Somebody for the gravity of reaching out for someone. The genre is inspirational romance, for an audience of 16 and up. It is approximately 156,000 words. (First, 156K words is REALLY long - you might scare an agent off with that length - you may want to do a sweep for unnecessary words. Second, you can get rid of your "the" usage and just say: Use Somebody is a 156,000 word inspirational romance for an audience 16+ -- you may want to designate gender as well. Third, your book may qualify as YA since your protage is 17 yo.)
Seventeen year old Drakel \dra-kel\ (phonetic not necessary) Davis is the mastermind of the biggest mafia in Britain. Her success, if you will, is highly respectable considering her gender and age; however, it is not quite a comfortable position, because of her gender and age. (redundant - gender and age) Ashes are blown away (What? Ashes? From where or whom?), complications arise (What complications?) , and Drakel Davis finds herself on trial to be executed. How can such a mastermind end up in the hands of the law? (Get rid of this question.) Tables are turned (cliche) when justice postpones her execution. How will a former mastermind react to being sent to America and plunged into the eyes of Christians - the real Christians who are living for Christ and the ones who just like the nametag? (Wow. You should explain this. How do we know the American Christians are not hypocrites? Also, please see Nathan's golden rule on rhetorical questions.) Will she be able to open up her heart and mind enough to find and love God, or will her attitude and dark past, and I’m not just talking about the mafia, be too much for her to overcome?

My life has consisted of enthralling characters who nourished my creativity. A poem of mine was entered and published in the Anthology of Poetry by Young Americans, 2003 Edition. My personal experiences with the transitions of becoming a Christian brings realism into Use Somebody. May I send you a partial or the completed manuscript? (Nice assumptive close, but it may be a little off-putting.) Thank you for your time and patience. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Thanks for the opportunity to critique. I know it takes a lot to do this and I can't wait to see your revision.

hhs
hhs

Website - http://www.hilaryheskett.com | Blog - http://www.hilaryheskett.blogspot.com

"The two most powerful warriors are patience and time." - Tolstoy

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OneChoice1
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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by OneChoice1 » January 7th, 2010, 4:13 pm

Yes, it would make more sense to show where the romance comes in. Thank you! Okay, here goes


*New revisement*

Dear [Agent's name]:

What the world doesn’t give you, the world can’t take away. It all has to do with faith. USE SOMEBODY is an inspirational romance and is approximately 156,000 words.

Seven year olds are typically found playing outside, riding bikes, playing video games, and asking for another slice of pizza. This is not the case for Drakel Davis, who is forced to face a new kind of reality when her mother leaves her behind to be raised by her mafia-affiliated father. With much to prove to a man who always wished for a son, Drakel steps up to the plate and joins the British Mafia at the age of ten. Seven years later, Drakel has it all together as the mastermind of the organization. Hatred and rage are explored in depths that many aren’t capable of fathoming when her long-time rival, Coleton Parker, gets seized by the mafia. Seldom is such passionate hate not love, but maybe Drakel Davis is just the girl to differentiate the lines.

Upon saving Coleton’s life, Drakel lands herself on trial and is sentenced to be executed. If things aren’t bad enough, Coleton steps in with his influential name and gets her execution date to be postponed in the agreement that she will be a guinea pig for the government's latest experiment. For the last months she has left to live, Drakel is sent to America in an environment better suited for the inquiry. While there, it doesn't take long for Drakel to realize that she is surrounded. Surrounded by Christians that is. The more she questions the authentic relationship one can have with Christ, the more she becomes intrigued. Still, opening up her heart and mind enough to find and love God is like growing a finger. Impossible.

My personal experiences with the transitions of becoming a Christian brings realism into USE SOMEBODY. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Last edited by OneChoice1 on January 8th, 2010, 9:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by c.ska » January 7th, 2010, 4:36 pm

i agree, great improvement! a few more thoughts though...
OneChoice1 wrote:Okay, more details on the way.


Dear [Agent's name]:

What the world doesn’t give you, the world can’t take away. It all has to do with faith. Use Somebody is an inspirational romance and is approximately 156,000 words.

Seven year olds are typically found playing with their friends, swimming, riding bikes, playing video games, sneaking junk food, and asking for pets. (i'd choose two or three 'things', as i agree, it is too lengthy...however i like the piece of background offered here, it makes a lot more sense reading it now.) This is not the case for Drakel Davis, who is forced to face a new kind of reality when her mother leaves her behind to be raised by her mafia-affiliated father. (again, good background!) With much to prove to a man who always wished for a son, Drakel steps up to the plate and joins the British Mafia (British Mafia still doesn't do it for me...it is to broad of a definition...personally i'd narrow it down to something like 'one of Britain's most notorious crime families', or be more specific about location.) at the age of ten. Seven years later, Drakel has it all together as the mastermind of the organization.

Complications arise when Drakel lands herself on trail and is sentenced to be executed. Tables are turned when her execution is postponed in the agreement of her being a guinea pig for the government's latest experiment. (aha! but what's up with this execution...? sounds pretty harsh!) For the last months she has left to live, Drakel is sent to America where she is plunged into the eyes of Christians - the real Christians who are living for Christ and the ones who just like the nametag. Opening up her heart and mind enough to find and love God is like growing a finger. Impossible. (the ending is slightly abrupt...i'd be tempted to add another paragraph, perhaps saying something about the romance...obstacles...conflicts).

My personal experiences with the transitions of becoming a Christian brings realism into Use Somebody. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
[/quote]

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OneChoice1
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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by OneChoice1 » January 7th, 2010, 5:11 pm

What about my updated version above?
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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by c.ska » January 7th, 2010, 5:34 pm

Sorry I I didn't see the latest one ; ) you've hit on many of my points here, well done, I can see a lot of improvement. but you know i'm still going to bug you about the 'British Mafia' and the execution... c.ska
OneChoice1 wrote:Yes, it would make more sense to show where the romance comes in. Okay, here goes


*New revisement*

Dear [Agent's name]:

What the world doesn’t give you, the world can’t take away. It all has to do with faith. USE SOMEBODY is an inspirational romance and is approximately 156,000 words.

Seven year olds are typically found playing outside, riding bikes, playing video games, and asking for another slice of pizza. This is not the case for Drakel Davis, who is forced to face a new kind of reality when her mother leaves her behind to be raised by her mafia-affiliated father. With much to prove to a man who always wished for a son, Drakel steps up to the plate and joins the British Mafia at the age of ten. Seven years later, Drakel has it all together as the mastermind of the organization. Hatred and rage are explored in depths that many aren’t capable of fathoming when her long-time rival, Coleton Parker, gets seized by the mafia. Seldom is such passionate hate not love, but maybe Drakel Davis is just the girl to differentiate the lines.

Upon saving Coleton’s life, Drakel lands herself on trial and is sentenced to be executed. If things aren’t bad enough, Coleton steps in with his influential name and gets her execution date to be postponed in the agreement that she will be a guinea pig for the government's latest experiment. For the last months she has left to live, Drakel is sent to America in an environment better suited for the inquiry. While there, it doesn't take long for Drakel to realize that she is surrounded. Surrounded by Christians that is. The more she questions the authentic relationship one can have with Christ, the more she becomes intrigued. Still, opening up her heart and mind enough to find and love God is like growing a finger. Impossible.

My personal experiences with the transitions of becoming a Christian brings realism into USE SOMEBODY. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by OneChoice1 » January 7th, 2010, 6:26 pm

Bug me all you want. It brings improvements out of me ^_^
c.ska wrote:'one of Britain's most notorious crime families'
I really like this line. Can i use it?
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Bryan Russell/Ink
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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by Bryan Russell/Ink » January 7th, 2010, 7:29 pm

Hi there, thought I'd toss in my own two cents here.

My struggles with this query concern what it focuses on. The bulk of the query seems to describe a crime novel or thriller, full of criminal families, rivals, trials, execution dates, governmental experiments... which doesn't seem to fit at all with the genre of "inspirational romance". A touch of this comes in at the end, but only a touch. If this really is an "inspirational romance" the query should be structured around the romance, with the romance as the trigger for the transformation of faith that seems to be the "inspirational" element here. The crime stuff seems more like the backstory than anything else. The real story is what you leave out, something to do with Christians and romance. I have trouble with the transition, and I'm guessing agents will, too.

How do you move from the unlikely events of this thriller story to a supposedly realistic romance and exploration of faith? I think you need to look at the story and try to figure out what the heart of it is. If it's all the crime stuff, keep the query focused on that and try to sell it for what it is - a crime thriller. But if the heart of the story you want to tell is really a romance that leads to a transformation of faith... then this is what the query really has to focus on. I think, right now, agents will be puzzled more than anything else, even if certain elements intrigue them. Don't worry about hiding the good stuff, trying to keep the conclusion a surprise. You have to convince the agents you have an interesting story that really works. Focus on the most important aspects of the story and hit the agent with the good stuff.

Hope this helps, and best of luck.
The Alchemy of Writing at www.alchemyofwriting.blogspot.com

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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by OneChoice1 » January 8th, 2010, 11:09 am

!Scroll down to see the newest version!

Ink wrote:The bulk of the query seems to describe a crime novel or thriller, full of criminal families, rivals, trials, execution dates, governmental experiments... which doesn't seem to fit at all with the genre of "inspirational romance". A touch of this comes in at the end, but only a touch. If this really is an "inspirational romance" the query should be structured around the romance, with the romance as the trigger for the transformation of faith that seems to be the "inspirational" element here. The crime stuff seems more like the backstory than anything else. The real story is what you leave out, something to do with Christians and romance. I have trouble with the transition, and I'm guessing agents will, too.

How do you move from the unlikely events of this thriller story to a supposedly realistic romance and exploration of faith? I think you need to look at the story and try to figure out what the heart of it is. If it's all the crime stuff, keep the query focused on that and try to sell it for what it is - a crime thriller. But if the heart of the story you want to tell is really a romance that leads to a transformation of faith... then this is what the query really has to focus on. I think, right now, agents will be puzzled more than anything else, even if certain elements intrigue them. Don't worry about hiding the good stuff, trying to keep the conclusion a surprise. You have to convince the agents you have an interesting story that really works. Focus on the most important aspects of the story and hit the agent with the good stuff.

I definitely don't want my novel to be seen as a crime thriller. I was worried about how much of the "good stuff" I was giving. I want to balance out my query, instead of having it overweighed by things that aren't the main focus of the novel.

Please continue to tell me what's hurting me and what's helping me. Thank you.


*Updated Version*

Dear [Agent's name]:

What the world doesn’t give you, the world can’t take away. It all has to do with faith. USE SOMEBODY is an inspirational romance and is approximately 156,000 words.

Seven year olds are typically found playing outside, riding bikes, playing video games, and asking for another slice of pizza. This is not the case for Drakel Davis, who is forced to face a new kind of reality when her mother leaves her behind to be raised by her mafia-affiliated father. With much to prove to a man who always wished for a son, Drakel steps up to the plate and joins the British Mafia at the age of ten. Seven years later, Drakel has it all together as the mastermind of the organization. Hatred and rage are explored in depths that many aren’t capable of fathoming when her long-time rival, Coleton Parker, gets seized by the mafia. Seldom is such passionate hate not love, but maybe Drakel Davis is just the girl to differentiate the lines.

Upon saving Coleton’s life, Drakel lands herself on trial and is sentenced to be executed. If things aren’t bad enough, Coleton steps in with his influential name and gets her execution date to be postponed in the agreement that she will be a guinea pig for the government's latest experiment. For the last months she has left to live, Drakel is sent to America in an environment better suited for the inquiry, where she has a chance to live a new life. While there, it doesn't take long for Drakel to realize that she is surrounded. Surrounded by Christians that is. With a humble, Christian guardian and her troublesome daughter, Drakel finds America to be a daunting experience. Having no belief in God nor religion, she is furious when her guardian signs her up for peer tutoring of the Bible. She is even more upset when she finds her peer tutor to be Alan Pierce, whom she received detention because of on her first day of Beckham High School. Alan has an unfailing faith in Jesus Christ and isn’t afraid to express his hunger for the Lord. He unwaveringly sets out to show Drakel why he worships and loves God, in hopes of helping Drakel understand his beliefs. Even if Drakel is intrigued by the authentic relationship one can have with Christ, opening up her own heart and mind enough to find God is still like growing a finger. Impossible.

My personal experiences with the transitions of becoming a Christian brings realism into USE SOMEBODY. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,


Critique away :)

I am working on adding more romantic elements into the query.

I feel like I'm mixing and mingling agent and reader. I'm still knocking this into my head.
Last edited by OneChoice1 on January 9th, 2010, 9:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
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c.ska
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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by c.ska » January 8th, 2010, 4:47 pm

OneChoice1 wrote:Bug me all you want. It brings improvements out of me ^_^
c.ska wrote:'one of Britain's most notorious crime families'
I really like this line. Can i use it?
It's yours: )

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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by notw » January 8th, 2010, 8:57 pm

OneChoice1 wrote:
Dear [Agent's name]:

What the world doesn’t give you, the world can’t take away. I like how you open. It all has to do with faith. USE SOMEBODY is an inspirational romance and is approximately 156,000 words.

Seven year olds are typically found playing outside, riding bikes, playing video games, and asking for another slice of pizza. This is not the case for Drakel Davis, who is forced to face a new kind of reality when her mother leaves her behind Maybe drop the word behind? to be raised by her mafia-affiliated father. With much to prove to a man who always wished for a son I might word this differently, Drakel steps up to the plate and joins the British Mafia at the age of ten. Seven years later, Drakel has it all together as the mastermind of the organization. Hatred and rage are explored in depths that many aren’t capable of fathoming when her long-time rival, Coleton Parker, gets seized by the mafia. Seldom is such passionate hate not love, but maybe Drakel Davis is just the girl to differentiate the lines.

Upon saving Coleton’s life, Drakel lands herself on trial and is sentenced to be executed. If things aren’t bad enough, Coleton steps in with his influential name and gets her execution date to be postponed in the agreement that she will be a guinea pig for the government's latest experiment. For the last months she has left to live, Drakel is sent to America in an environment better suited for the inquiry, where she has a chance to live a new life. While there, it doesn't take long for Drakel to realize that she is surrounded. Surrounded by Christians that is. With a humble, Christian guardian and her troublesome daughter, Drakel finds America to be a daunting experience. Having no belief in God nor religion, she is furious when her guardian signs her up for peer tutoring of the Bible. She is even more upset when she finds her peer I think you could get away with dropping the word "peer" since you mentioned it in the previous sentence. tutor to be Alan Pierce, whom she received detention because of on her first day of Beckham High School.Last part of this sentence is confusing. Alan has an unfailing faith in Jesus Christ and isn’t afraid to express his hunger for the Lord. He unwaveringly sets out to show Drakel why he worships and loves God, in hopes of helping Drakel understand his beliefs. Even if Drakel is intrigued by the authentic relationship one can have with Christ, opening up her own heart and mind enough to find God is still like growing a finger. Impossible.

My personal experiences with the transitions of becoming a Christian brings realism into USE SOMEBODY. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,


Critique away :)

I am working on adding more romantic elements into the query.

I feel like I'm mixing and mingling agent and reader. I'm still knocking this into my head.
Hope my comments help :)

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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by OneChoice1 » January 8th, 2010, 9:37 pm

okay, so I've looked over my query again and I just had to knock it down and start building again. I'm aiming to represent my novel more for the genre it is. Thank you all :)
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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by OneChoice1 » January 9th, 2010, 9:20 am

*Updated Version*



Dear [Agent's name]:

What the world doesn’t give you, the world can’t take away. It all has to do with faith. USE SOMEBODY is an inspirational romance and is approximately 156,000 words.

Seven year olds are typically found playing outside, riding bikes, playing video games, and asking for another slice of pizza. This is not the case for Drakel Davis, who is forced to face a new kind of reality when her mother leaves her behind to be raised by her mafia-affiliated father. With much to prove to a man who always wished for a son, Drakel steps up to the plate and joins one of Britain's most notorious crime families at the age of ten. Seven years later, Drakel has it all together as the mastermind of the organization. That is, until she decides to betray her syndicate, thus, landing herself on trial and a sentence for execution. Her execution date is postponed in the agreement that she will be a guinea pig for the government's latest experiment. Drakel has a chance to live a new life when she is sent to America for the last months she has left to live. In an environment better suited for the inquiry, Drakel discovers that she is surrounded. Surrounded by Christians that is.

Alan Pierce is a Pastor's son and a well-respected individual. He has a love for skateboarding, a lip ring, and an unfailing faith in Jesus Christ. Always eager to express his hunger for the Lord, he willingly accepts the challenge of tutoring the Bible to the new resident in town. He unwaveringly sets out to show his sharp-tongued pupil why he worships God, in hopes of helping her understand his beliefs.

The only thing Drakel and Alan have in common is their love for Black tea and Raspberry Almond Crumbles, but with Alan's persistence managing the way, the two teenagers grow closer than their foregoing relationship. Even if Drakel is intrigued by the authentic relationship Alan has with his God, opening up her own heart and mind enough to find God is still like growing a finger. Impossible. As the lessons and controversial discussions continue, Drakel finds herself compellingly attracted to someone so diverse. When Alan learns of her true identity, she expects trouble. Instead, he surprises her by continuing in his pursuit. By doing this, Alan unknowingly banquets Drakel’s fidelity. The problem is, Alan already has his eyes on someone else.

My personal experiences with the transitions of becoming a Christian brings realism into USE SOMEBODY. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,



Did you get more of a feel for the inspiration and the romance?
Last edited by OneChoice1 on January 22nd, 2010, 4:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Dankrubis
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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by Dankrubis » January 9th, 2010, 4:41 pm

Dear [Agent's name]:

What the world doesn’t give you, the world can’t take away. It all has to do with faith. USE SOMEBODY is an inspirational romance and is approximately 156,000 words.

Seven year olds are typically found playing outside, riding bikes, playing video games, and asking for another slice of pizza. This is not the case for Drakel Davis, who is forced to face a new kind of reality when her mother leaves her behind to be raised by her mafia-affiliated father. With much to prove to a man who always wished for a son,I got some gender confusion here. Your description of seven year olds is more apt for seven year old boys. Plus the name Drakel, which I've never seen, can be seen as masculine. I'd switch it to "Seven year old girls are typically found... then add in some more feminine kid traits. Drakel steps up to the plate and joins one of Britain's most notorious crime families at the age of ten. Seven years later, Drakel has it all together as the mastermind of the organization.Rad. That is, until she decides to betray her syndicate, thus, landing herself on trial and a sentence for execution. I'm confused as to what's going on. She betrayed her syndicate, thus she's on trial and sentenced for execution. I assume she's on trial by the government (unless the mafia is holding trials now?). But that doesn't make sense, "She betrayed her syndicate, thus the government has her on trial." Her execution date is postponed in the agreement that she will be a guinea pig for the government's latest experiment.Intrigue! Drakel has a chance to live a new life when she is sent to America for the last months she has left to live. In an environment better suited for the inquiry,the inquiry? What inquiry? Drakel discovers that she is surrounded. Surrounded by Christians that is.

Alan Pierce is a Pastor's son and a well-respected individual. He has a love for skateboarding, a lip ring, and an unfailing faith in Jesus Christ. Always eager to express his hunger for the Lord, he willingly accepts the challenge of tutoring the Bible to the new resident in town. He unwaveringly sets out to show his sharp-tongued pupil why he worships God, in hopes of helping her understand his beliefs. Okay, that first paragraph was fine and all, but I feel like this needs to be the real first paragraph. Is the majority of the book how a crazy girl raised in the mafia is 'saved' by the surrounding Christians and Alan Pierce in particular? If it is, this may be your better choice for a first paragraph, followed by a shorter paragraph explaining Drakel's origins.

The only thing Drakel and Alan have in common is their love for Black tea and Raspberry Almond Crumbles, but with Alan's persistence managing the way, the two teenagers grow closer than their foregoing relationship.foregoing sounds awkward here. I actually have no idea what a foregoing relationship even begins to mean. Even if Drakel is intrigued by the authentic relationship Alan has with his God, opening up her own heart and mind enough to find God is still like growing a finger. Impossible. As the lessons and controversial discussions continue, Drakel finds herself compellingly attracted to someone so diverse. When Alan learns of her true identity, she expects trouble. Instead, he surprises her by continuing in his pursuit. By doing this, Alan unknowingly banquets Drakel’s fidelity. The problem is, Alan already has his eyes on someone else.

My personal experiences with the transitions of becoming a Christian brings realism into USE SOMEBODY. Something about this statement puts me off. I'm terribly sorry but I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it seems slightly amateur? Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,



Did you get more of a feel for the inspiration and the romance? This is the first version I've read, so I can't really say.

Okay, I'm going to end this critique on an assumption. I'm assuming that your book begins with Drakel and describes her life for about 15,000 words. Then, the last 140,000 words concern Drakel in the Christian society and her dealings with Alan.

If this is the case, (and I hope it is, otherwise you may have some structural problems), then notice how much time you spend in your query on Drakel and her upbringing. Isn't this story about Drakel's relationship with Alan and her transition to Christianity? Make that the focus and ease up on Drakel's back story.

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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by Yoshima » January 9th, 2010, 6:25 pm

My thoughts while reading:
OneChoice1 wrote:
Dear [Agent's name]:

What the world doesn’t give you, the world can’t take away. It all has to do with faith. USE SOMEBODY is an inspirational romance and is approximately 156,000 words.

Seven year olds are typically found playing outside, riding bikes, playing video games, and asking for another slice of pizza (agreed, this sounds like boy stuff). This is not the case for Drakel Davis, who is forced to face a new kind of reality when her mother leaves her behind to be raised by (I'm curious...what kind of mother leaves her kid with the mafia? Was there another reason she left? I have a feeling there's a lot more to the story here, but for the sake of brevity maybe just leave out the thing about her mom leaving. Maybe something like "This is not the case for Drakel Davis, the daughter of a member of the mafia." Or whatever description is good for her father. It gets the same point across, but is more straightforward.) her mafia-affiliated father. With much to prove to a man who always wished for a son, Drakel steps up to the plate and joins one of Britain's most notorious crime families at the age of ten. Seven years later, Drakel has it all together as the mastermind of the organization. That is, until she decides to betray her syndicate, thus, landing herself on trial and a sentence for execution. Her execution date is postponed in the agreement that she will be a guinea pig for the government's latest experiment. Drakel has a chance to live a new life when she is sent to America for the last months she has left to live. In an environment better suited for the inquiry (?), Drakel discovers that she is surrounded. Surrounded by Christians that is. (don't need "that is")

Alan Pierce is a Pastor's son and a well-respected individual. He has a love for skateboarding, a lip ring, and an unfailing faith in Jesus Christ. Always eager to express his hunger for the Lord, he willingly accepts the challenge of tutoring the Bible to the new resident in town. He unwaveringly sets out to show his sharp-tongued pupil why he worships God, in hopes of helping her understand his beliefs. (Good paragraph!)

The only thing Drakel and Alan have in common is their love for Black tea and Raspberry Almond Crumbles (I like details. :) ), but with Alan's persistence managing the way (managing the way? I'm not sure what you mean by that. Do you mean like Christ, The Way?), the two teenagers grow closer than their foregoing relationship (what's a foregoing relationship?). Even if Drakel is intrigued by the authentic relationship Alan has with his God, opening up her own heart and mind enough to find God is still like growing a finger. Impossible. (Love that line. :) ) As the lessons and controversial discussions continue, Drakel finds herself compellingly attracted to someone so diverse (I kind of got that already when you said they were growing closer. You don't really need this sentence.). When Alan learns of her true identity, she expects trouble. (Good!) Instead, he surprises her by continuing in his pursuit (pursuit of her as a love interest or her as a person to bring to God? Or both?). By doing this, Alan unknowingly banquets Drakel’s fidelity (not completely sold on "banquets"). The problem is, Alan already has his eyes on someone else. (Who's someone else? Another girl? God? I'm not sure what you're getting at; I could just be slow, though, so unless if others say the same don't worry about it.)

My personal experiences with the transitions of becoming a Christian brings realism into USE SOMEBODY. (I think it's wonderful that you used your own experiences, but maybe leave that for when the agent calls you for your fabu MS?) Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,



Did you get more of a feel for the inspiration and the romance?
I definitely got more inspiration and romance from this version--well done! I have to say, though, that I agree with Dankrubis. It pretty much comes down to this: if this was the back cover, I'd expect that half would be her in the mafia and half would be her growing closer to God. If that's not the case in the book, I'd be confused. Other than that, I think this is such an improvement on your other versions. Great job!

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Re: Query Status: Under Construction

Post by OneChoice1 » January 22nd, 2010, 2:22 pm

After taking a break and getting comfortable with the beginning of my first year in college (Oh yeah!), I'm back to have others crack the whip on this query of mine. So please, by all means, tear into it.


But before that I want to thank Dankrubis and Yoshima. I've taken both of your critiques into consideration. I've tried to take away the back story and get into you, the readers, knowing Drakel more personally. Like how the things she values in life contrast greatly to what Alan values. I was thinking, should I add an accent mark on the "a" in Drakel's name? So the name won't sound masculine to others, because how I pronounce it is not masculine what so ever. Just a thought.


*Oh, inquiry is a synonym for experimentation, and when I say "someone else," I mean another girl. Please let me know if anything still puts you off.*


~The umpteenth revised version~


Dear [Agent's name]:

In the seventeen years that Drakel Davis has been alive, she's picked up on many things: that she's her most valuable resource in any situation, that she should never get too comfortable, and that when the going gets tough, the established rules don't apply. However, it becomes apparent that her obsession with proving herself is valued above all else when she betrays one of Britain's most notorious crime families. If getting captured and scheduled to stand trial aren't daunting enough, then getting sentenced to execution surely is. Drakel's execution date is postponed in the agreement that she will be a guinea pig for the government's latest experiment. For the last months she has left to live, Drakel is sent to America, to an environment better suited for the inquiry. Simultaneously, she has a chance to live a new life, a life under surveillance.

Alan Pierce is a Pastor's son and a well-respected individual. He has a love for skateboarding, wears a lip ring, and possesses an unfailing faith in Jesus Christ. Always eager to express his hunger for the Lord, he willingly accepts the challenge of tutoring the Bible to the new resident in town. He unwaveringly sets out to show his sharp-tongued pupil why he worships God, in hopes of helping her understand his beliefs.

The only thing Drakel and Alan have in common is their love for Black tea and Raspberry Almond Crumbles, but with Alan's persistence managing the way, the two teenagers come to attain an anomalous friendship. Even if Drakel is intrigued by the authentic relationship Alan has with his God, opening up her own heart and mind enough to find God is still like growing a finger. Impossible. As the lessons and controversial discussions continue, Drakel finds herself compellingly attracted to someone so diverse. When Alan learns of her true identity, she expects trouble. Instead, he surprises her by continuing in his pursuit of their Bible lessons, without judgment. By doing this, Alan unknowingly fosters Drakel's amore. The problem is, Alan already has his eyes on someone else.

USE SOMEBODY is an inspirational romance and is approximately 156,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Jesus loves.

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