Thanks for the opportunity to critique. I know it takes a lot to do this and I can't wait to see your revision.Dear [Agent's name]:
It is a fact that no one is too virtuous for the Lord, and no one is too malfunctioned for the Lord to give up on. No matter how murky the sin, the Lord can deliver forgiveness even if the world can’t. It all has to do with faith. (I'm not digging this as your hook. It sounds too formal or too wordy - I can't decide. Also, it reminds me of the opening to Austen's Pride & Prejudice for some reason. I'd delete and pick it up here.)What the world doesn’t give you, the world can’t take away. (Love it, but move it to the beginning of the next paragraph.) The novel is titled Use Somebody for the gravity of reaching out for someone. The genre is inspirational romance, for an audience of 16 and up. It is approximately 156,000 words. (First, 156K words is REALLY long - you might scare an agent off with that length - you may want to do a sweep for unnecessary words. Second, you can get rid of your "the" usage and just say: Use Somebody is a 156,000 word inspirational romance for an audience 16+ -- you may want to designate gender as well. Third, your book may qualify as YA since your protage is 17 yo.)
Seventeen year old Drakel \dra-kel\ (phonetic not necessary) Davis is the mastermind of the biggest mafia in Britain. Her success, if you will, is highly respectable considering her gender and age; however, it is not quite a comfortable position, because of her gender and age. (redundant - gender and age) Ashes are blown away (What? Ashes? From where or whom?), complications arise (What complications?) , and Drakel Davis finds herself on trial to be executed. How can such a mastermind end up in the hands of the law? (Get rid of this question.) Tables are turned (cliche) when justice postpones her execution. How will a former mastermind react to being sent to America and plunged into the eyes of Christians - the real Christians who are living for Christ and the ones who just like the nametag? (Wow. You should explain this. How do we know the American Christians are not hypocrites? Also, please see Nathan's golden rule on rhetorical questions.) Will she be able to open up her heart and mind enough to find and love God, or will her attitude and dark past, and I’m not just talking about the mafia, be too much for her to overcome?
My life has consisted of enthralling characters who nourished my creativity. A poem of mine was entered and published in the Anthology of Poetry by Young Americans, 2003 Edition. My personal experiences with the transitions of becoming a Christian brings realism into Use Somebody. May I send you a partial or the completed manuscript? (Nice assumptive close, but it may be a little off-putting.) Thank you for your time and patience. I look forward to hearing from you.