Query: Harbinger

[Jaligard]

Micah is nearly out of high school, ready to make his way in the world. Unfortunately for him, it will be a much different world than the one he expects. When he inadvertently frees an ancient deity named Fenris, he becomes heir to both the being's soul and his task: He is to destroy Asgard, homeworld of the Norse gods of old.

Fenris' newfound freedom attracts the ire of his jailor, who hunts Micah down in an attempt to recapture Fenris. Micah’s friend Kitty sacrifices herself to save him, and Micah travels to Heaven with an old friend of Fenris to try and find her soul. Once there, he is waylaid by those keen to see his true task fulfilled, and Micah is forced onto the very world he wished to avoid—and it’s a one-way ticket.

It does sound interesting, but there's something missing. In the first paragraph, you lay down Micah's situation quite well. The second paragraph, though, is minutia that does not make any sense. I get lost. Simplify.

Try: Fenris' jailor tracks Micah down and Micah's best friend, Kitty, dies in their escape. To save Kitty's soul--and bring her back to life--Micah travels with Fenris to Heaven [Valhalla?]. He doesn't plan on destroying Asgard, but some of the gods there are keen to make him. And just as many others to stop him.

Simpler sentences: "Fenris' newfound freedom attracts the ire of his jailor, who hunts Micah down in an attempt to recpature Fenris" becomes "Fenris' jailor tracks Micah down." In yours, I get lost. Too many $0.50 words.

I recommend keeping Kitty and losing the twin story-line (for the query letter). It's more emotionally evocative and that means more gripping. Focus on the Micah's goal (save Kitty) and his problem (he's in the middle of a feud--deities on the warpath).

[Fenris]

Thanks, Jaligard, I'll take a closer look at that paragraph. A few things I want to explain though (but thanks for posing the questions; it helps me see the problems):

Heaven [Valhalla?]. He doesn't plan on destroying Asgard, but some of the gods there are keen to make him. And just as many others to stop him.

No, it's actually Heaven. :) Also, all the gods on Asgard are dead set against him. That doesn't hold true for some of the "lesser" races, but none of the gods are looking forward to Ragnarok the battle at the end of their world.

I recommend keeping Kitty and losing the twin story-line (for the query letter).

But finding Kitty is the subplot. It's the overarching plotline of the series, but stuff always gets in Micah's way, taking precedence for one book or several. In Harbinger, destroying Asgard is the main plot. He can't get off Asgard to search for Kitty until Asgard is destroyed, at which point he may or may not be rescued.

[Fenris]

Round six! Thanks to all for sticking with me this far. Let's see how this goes.

***

Dear [Agent]

Micah is nearly out of high school, ready to make his way in the world. Unfortunately for him, it will be a much different world than the one he expects. When he inadvertently frees an ancient deity named Fenris, he becomes heir to both the being's soul and his task: He is to destroy Asgard, homeworld of the Norse gods of old.

When Fenris' jailor hunts him down, Micah's friend Kitty sacrifices herself so he can escape. An old friend of Fenris takes Micah to Heaven, assuring him Kitty can be restored to life if they can recapture her soul in time. Waylaid by those keen to see his true task fulfilled and forced onto Asgard, Micah is tormented by the knowledge that with every passing second Kitty fades further from existence.

When a parallel version of himself appears, also bent on Asgard's destruction, Micah wonders if he will be allowed to seek out Kitty's soul, since the other him is determined to do their task without him. Of course, he didn’t expect his counterpart to try and assassinate him. As his time to complete the task runs out, Micah begins to wonder who will kill him first: his parallel self, the Norse gods, or Asgard itself.

HARBINGER is a work of fantasy, complete at 98,500 words. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

[Fenris]

***

Onward and upward. I hope.

[Lil Tailor]

I decided to check out your query AFTER reading the synopsis. My first read says it is much better than your synopsis.

Dear [Agent]

Micah is nearly out of high school, ready to make his way in the world. Unfortunately for him, it will be a much different world than the one he expects.I like the beginning but it sounds awkward. I'm confident you can make it tighter though When he inadvertently frees an ancient deity named Fenris, he becomes heir to both the being's soul andhis task: He is to destroy Asgard, homeworld of the Norse gods of old.

When Fenris' jailor hunts him down, Micah's friend Kitty sacrifices herself so he can escape. this doesn't flow right An old friend of Fenris takes Micah to Heaven, assuring him Kitty can be restored to life if they can recapture her soul in time. Waylaid by those keen to see his true task fulfilled and forced onto Asgard, Micah is tormented by the knowledge that with every passing second Kitty fades further from existence.

When a parallel version of himself appears, also bent on Asgard's destruction, Micah wonders if he will be allowed to seek out Kitty's soul, since the other him is determined to do their task without him. Of course, he didn’t expect his counterpart to try and assassinate him. As his time to complete the task runs out, Micah begins to wonder who will kill him first: his parallel self, the Norse gods, or Asgard itself.

HARBINGER is a work of fantasy, complete at 98,500 words. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

[Fenris]

***

This is very good but it doesn't really describe what you wrote in the synopsis. I like this story better.

[SSB]

I have heard, though I am no expert, if your bio doesn't include published work it is best not to mention it. (don't mention self-published either) If your current work lands an agent and a publisher, then it is appropriate to mention anything self-published in the future.

[Fenris]

Thanks SSB. That's what I was going to end up doing anyway, probably, but I feel much more comfortable now knowing that's what one should do in such a case.

Lil Tailor: How is it going against the synopsis? It leaves out all but the biggest subplot (Kitty, which doubles as motivation), but it doesn't contradict the summary. Admittedly, as the author I'm probably the least able to judge such things, so by all means tell me how it contradicts the synopsis. I'm glad I managed to condense it into a query, but that's all for naught if it's a different story.

[Lil Tailor]

The thing is, I never really got that kitty was that important in the synopsis at all. Admittadly, it may be because the synopsis doesn't feel as clear and polished which may be part of the reason it feels different. The voice feels very different.

[Fenris]

The thing is, I never really got that kitty was that important in the synopsis at all. Admittadly, it may be because the synopsis doesn't feel as clear and polished which may be part of the reason it feels different. The voice feels very different.

Yeah, reading over it again has brought a lot of questions to light in my own mind, Kitty among them. Really, the issue of Kitty doesn't show up much; only when she's still alive and when Micah needs another push in the right direction. The only purpose she serves is motivation, which is really important in a query, but the way she serves means that she doesn't show up as much in the synopsis (only her memory remains, really, and the characters don't always have that much time to reflect upon it). Still revising the synopsis when I have time, though.