*Revised* QUERY: THE DRAKE WAR

[Lil Tailor]

Maggie helped me revise my Query. This is what we came up with. Please let me know what you think as I feel this might be very different from the previous incarnations.

Thanks

**

Dear Ms. Agent:

Reborn and on the run from the supernatural mercenaries she served in a former life, sixteen year old Lillim Callina stumbles into a vampire plot to revive an ancient dragon. Now she must find a way to stop the evil drake from awakening before her ruthless former mentor, Warthor, slams a planet-killing meteor into the creature.

Stopping Warthor becomes the least of her worries when she inadvertently kidnaps the infant son of a werewolf king and turns him over to the vampires she is trying to stop.

In over her head, Lillim desperately needs help that only Joshua, her half-demon, former-life ex-boyfriend, or Caleb, a supernatural mercenary who may just want more from her than meets the eye, can provide.

Caught between the two men and in trouble with a coven of vampires, an ancient dragon, and her power-hungry mentor, Lillim will have to call on everything she's ever learned to save not only her own life, but the world.

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of approximately 60,000 words. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Quill]

Reborn and

I would omit this as it is unnecessary and is a confusing start since we lack context (spiritually reborn? Religiously 'saved' reborn? Reincarnated literally?)

on the run from the supernatural mercenaries she served in a former life,

This would be a great start, but I'd say "lifetime" to clarify even more that we are talking reincarnation here.

sixteen year old Lillim Callina stumbles into a vampire plot to revive an ancient dragon. Now she must find a way to stop the evil drake from awakening before her ruthless former mentor, Warthor, slams a planet-killing meteor into the creature.

Okay, this is almost overload. In two sentences you've introduced 1. Supernatural mercenaries; 2. Reincarnation; 3. Vampire plot; 4. Dragon; 5. Warthor; 6. Planet-killing meteor; 7. Lillim.

Stopping Warthor becomes the least of her worries

"least of her worries" is cliche and doesn't seem to fit here; it seems to make light of the situation. Certainly all of the above would not qualify as the actual least of her worries. I would think may a hangnail would be that. Or getting her next meal.

when she inadvertently kidnaps the infant son of a werewolf king and turns him over to the vampires she is trying to stop.

7. infant son of werewolf king.

In over her head, Lillim desperately needs help that only Joshua, her half-demon, former-life ex-boyfriend, or Caleb, a supernatural mercenary who may just want more from her than meets the eye, can provide.

All good info, and sounds like a slam-bang super plot but:
8. Joshua, a half-demon
9. Caleb, a supernatural mercenary

Caught between the two men and in trouble with a coven of vampires, an ancient dragon, and her power-hungry mentor, Lillim will have to call on everything she's ever learned to save not only her own life, but the world.

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of approximately 60,000 words. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Again, sounds like a great story, and this is a well-written query. I worry that (for its short length especially) it includes too many characters/plot points. It is nicely compressed and certainly piques interest, but definitely also treads into -- or at least near -- name-soup territory. Not sure how you would improve that.

[Lil Tailor]

Thanks Quill.

What if I did something like this? Though I'm worried it may not have enough energy.

**

Dear Ms. Agent:

While sixteen year old Lillim Callina has made a few blunders in her lifetime, none are quite as bad as being tricked by a vampire coven into awakening an ancient dragon.

Unfortunately, her ruthless former mentor, Warthor, has caught wind of her slip up and has decided to take drastic action to fix her mishap. If Lillim can’t slay the dragon, he is going to slam a planet-killing meteor into the creature.

In over her head, Lillim will need help from at least one of those past mistakes if she is to succeed. Joshua, her half-demon ex-boyfriend, and Caleb, a supernatural mercenary who may just want more from her than meets the eye, are both willing to help her, but both may demand a price she might be unable to pay.

Caught between the two men and in trouble with a coven of vampires, an ancient dragon, and her power-hungry mentor, Lillim will have to call on everything she's ever learned to save not only her own life, but the world.

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of approximately 60,000 words. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Holly]

Newly revised

**

Dear Ms. Agent:

Lillim Callina should be dead. She still would be if her ruthless former mentor, Warthor, hadn’t sacrificed all of her friends to bring her back to life. Since then she’s been running from her past as a supernatural mercenary.

When an ancient dragon awakens, Lillim must find a way to stop the evil drake before Warthor destroys the creature, along with most of the planet.

Lillim desperately needs help to stop her mentor and slay a dragon, and the only person she can even think of is her half-demon former lover. Of course she hasn’t spoken to him since she blew a gaping hole in his chest for helping Warthor bring her back to life.

THE DRAKE WAR is a fantasy novel of approximately 60,000 words. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Believe it or not, I actually like this one the best so far -- you simplified the plot. I think the thing to remember with queries is you don't have to include everything about the story, just the main storyline. You don't have to explain everything, either -- just think of the query as bait to entice the agent to look at the pages. You can explain everything in the synopsis. Best of luck to you! The story sounds fun.

[Meredith]

Dear Ms. Agent:

While sixteen year old sixteen-year-old Lillim Callina has made a few blunders in her lifetime, none are quite as bad as being tricked by a vampire coven into awakening an ancient dragon.

Unfortunately, her ruthless former mentor, Warthor, has caught wind of her slip up and has decided to take drastic action to fix her mishap. If Lillim can’t slay the dragon, he is going to slam a planet-killing meteor into the creature. This is where the query breaks down for me. It raises the stakes, but it doesn't seem to fit. Why would Warthor destroy the whole planet just to get the dragon? Seems a bit drastic. You might need just a little explanation for that to make this work.

In over her head, Lillim will need help from at least one of those past mistakes if she is to succeed. Joshua, her half-demon ex-boyfriend, and Caleb, a supernatural mercenary who may just want more from her than meets the eye, are both willing to help her, but both may demand a price she might be unable to pay. This sentence is pretty long. And the word "may" echoes. Can you break it down into a couple of sentences? At least one each for Joshua and Caleb. And is the price different from what "more than meets the eye" that Caleb wants?

Caught between the two men If she's sixteen, are these actually adult men? 'Cause that's a little creepy. and in trouble with a coven of vampires, an ancient dragon, and her power-hungry mentor, Lillim will have to call on everything she's ever learned to save not only her own life, but the world.

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of approximately 60,000 words. This is my first novel. I don't know that you need to advertise that. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sounds like a fun story.

[Lil Tailor]

Okay, so basically my critiquers have told me that I should infuse the tone of my manuscript into my query. This has been difficult for me since the MS is written in first person. I gave it a try here so feel free to hate it.

**

Dear Ms. Agent:

When a bunch of gun toting maniacs barge into sixteen year old Lillim Callina’s home and demand that she help them release an ancient, unstoppable dragon, it means only one thing. Trouble.

Then they went and lit her place on fire. So now, come hell or high water, Lillim Callina is going to go slay a dragon.

For the better part of a year, she’s been trying to avoid being sucked back into her crazed mother’s war against the supernatural. She’s a great gal, her mother. When Lillim was a young girl, they played fun games like, “I’m going to tie you to a tree and hope you escape in time to stop the bloodthirsty vampire from tearing out your throat.”

It. Was. Awesome.

So, all and all, she’s totally prepared to stop a dragon. What she wasn’t prepared for was for her ex-boyfriend to show up and act so sweet that she almost wanted to forgive him. Right up until he stabbed her in the back… literally. Or for a captain in her mother’s army to suddenly decide he needed to save her from herself.

Boys… can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em without going to jail…

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of approximately 60,000 words. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Joel Q]

I like the voice in the query, nice job writing it.
The one thing, I think the query is missing is the story question... what's Lillim choice?
You already say she's going to kill a dragon, so now what conflict does she face that will decide how the story goes and what are her options and consequences?
JQ

When a bunch of gun toting maniacs barge into sixteen year old Lillim Callina’s home and demand that she help them release an ancient, unstoppable dragon, it means only one thing. Trouble. (That's a bit cliche, but more so it's weak. "Trouble" I know you have the talent to write something better than that.)

Then they went and lit her place on fire. So now, come hell or high water, Lillim Callina is going to go slay a dragon.
(first they want her to release the dragon, now she's going to slay it. What's the difference? Or did she tell them no, and now she's seeking revenge for burning down her house?)

(The entire remaining of the query is kind of back story, and subplot conflicts, but it paints a good picture of the characters. I'd be OK with leaving it, if you can give us the 'choice'.)
For the better part of a year, she’s been trying to avoid being sucked back into her crazed mother’s war against the supernatural. She’s a great gal, her mother. When Lillim was a young girl, they played fun games like, “I’m going to tie you to a tree and hope you escape in time to stop the bloodthirsty vampire from tearing out your throat.”

It. Was. Awesome.

So, all and all, she’s totally prepared to stop a dragon. What she wasn’t prepared for was for her ex-boyfriend to show up and act so sweet that she almost wanted to forgive him. Right up until he stabbed her in the back… literally. Or for a captain in her mother’s army to suddenly decide he needed to save her from herself.

Boys… can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em without going to jail…

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of approximately 60,000 words. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Hillsy]

OK - this ain't my genre at all, so I'm not going to weigh in with anything really.

People who read this genre and come a cross this tone will tell you how well it works, but I think this is gold, really very very clever. Maybe the skimming over the details of the ex-boyfriend and the captain and, most of all, the 'how' and the 'why' of killing the dragon, might be an issue but I've read queries that have been given the thumbs up that have papered over the same things. So if you're feeling confident, I reckon it's a runner....

.....all except the first gag (sorry!)

When a bunch of gun toting maniacs barge into sixteen year old Lillim Callina’s home and demand that she help them release an ancient, unstoppable dragon, it means only one thing. Trouble.

Sorry. It' strikes me like saying "When someone runs up to you and asks to to divide 343 by 7, it can only mean one thing: MATHS!!". You can pull it off with verbal delivery because of the change in tone, but not in type. Now if you'd gone with "means only one thing: a new haircut" or "means only one thing: she'll have to give back her pacifist award" (or better still, something funny) the punchline is only related to the statement via what you know of the character. Or in your case you define the character by the punchline to the statement. Think if you'd never seen die hard, would this sum up Jon McLane? "When Terrorists take over the airport that Jon Mclane's non-longer-estranged wife is flying into on xmas eve, it only means one thing: he's going to bleed a lot over his nice, white vest AND THEN shoot some bad guys.

OK that was only funny in my head, but do you see my point?

Though like I said, ignore me if you will - it's a pretty awesome query by my standards

[GaoYuQing]

Read through your latest revision and was going to comment, then found Joel had said everything I was going to say.
The latter half made me actually laugh aloud, so good going with that. Just have to clarify what exactly her goal is and take care of that painful understatement.

[Lil Tailor]

Does this sound better?

**



When a bunch of gun toting maniacs barge into sixteen year old Lillim Callina’s home and demand that she help them release an ancient, unstoppable dragon, it means only one thing: She needs better locks.

Then they went and lit her place on fire. So now, come hell or high water, Lillim Callina is determined to slay that dragon.

But for the better part of a year, she’s been trying to avoid being sucked back into her crazed mother’s war against the supernatural. Could you blame her? When Lillim was a young girl, they played fun games like, “I’m going to tie you to a tree and hope you escape in time to stop the bloodthirsty vampire from tearing out your throat.”

It. Was. Awesome.

So, all and all, she’s totally prepared to stop a dragon. What she wasn’t prepared for was for her ex-boyfriend to show up and act so sweet that she almost wanted to forgive him, right up until he stabbed her in the back… literally. Or for a captain in her mother’s army to suddenly decide he needed to save Lillim from herself.

Boys… can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em without going to jail…

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of approximately 60,000 words. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Collectonian]

Overall, I like the tone for the piece, particularly for young adult. Get a great feel for the voice of the work here. A few notes from my having spent far too long reading QueryShark's archives below :-)

don't forget the "Dear firstname lastname or mr/mrs/ms lastname :-D

When a bunch of gun toting maniacs presuming she eventually finds out who they are, they aren't just generic nuts, right? barge into sixteen-year-old Lillim Callina’s home and demand that she help them release an ancient, unstoppable dragon, it means only one thing: She needs better locks.Agree with the above commenter that this bit is a bit off. And why her? What makes her able to release this dragon and why would anyone want to?

Then they went and lit her place on fire.how is this supposed to make her cooperate? So now, come hell or high water, Lillim Callina is determined to slay that dragon.Why? Why wouldn't she want to get revenge on the folks who just burned down her house? Unless she releases it for them, what's it matter if it is dead or alive?

But for the better part of a year, she’s been trying to avoid being sucked back into her crazed mother’s war against the supernatural.what war? how does this relate to the above? Could you blame her? When Lillim was a young girl, theythey who? her and mom? her and others? played fun games like, “I’m going to tie you to a tree and hope you escape in time to stop the bloodthirsty vampire from tearing out your throat.”why? "crazed" is too generic a reason

It. Was. Awesome.not entirely clear if this is meant to be sarcastically or not

So, all and all, she’s totally prepared to stop a dragon.how so? escaping from a rope is a far cry from a dragon, and I thought she was supposed to release it not slay it? What she wasn’t prepared for was for her ex-boyfriend to show up and act so sweet that she almost wanted to forgive him,for? right up until he stabbed her in the back… literally.nice touch :-D Or for a captainwhich captain? someone she knows? in her mother’s army to suddenly decide he needed to save Lillim from herself.why does she need saving from herself?

Boys… can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em without going to jail…

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of approximately 60,000 words. This is my first novel.never say "first", as it implies very first which most agents presumes belongs in the trunk; can either say it will be your debut novel or strike the line all together. The completed manuscript is available upon request.Unnecessary - its presumed you have the completed manuscript ready as should never query if it was not :-)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[glj]

I'm not a young adult, but I did like the tone of your query. Putting the tone of the MS into the query is rather difficult, so hats off to you for achieving it.

Although I liked it in most respects, it does not show the reader what the ultimate conflict will be, and what the stakes are for Lillim. Of course there will be a confrontation with the dragon in question, but what about the characters who start the action? What about crazy, supernatural Mom? What I get from this is that several conflicting forces have been released. Of course they will meet up in a final conflict, that is a given. But don't make us assemble it. The conflict is the heart of your story, and so it is what will make the reader want more. But you didn't get there. Show us how the various factions are aligned to collide in one final, glorious, uncertain battle for it all. And show us how Lillim is trapped between the factions, with no real hope of escape, like in an old movie when the heroine is tied to the railroad tracks and we see the locomotive puffing closer and we watch her struggle and then the action stops. Buy a ticket now, folks, and see what happens. Well, we know the heroine isn't going to be ground into goo under the wheels, but we still want to know how she escapes her certain doom, don't we?

Okay, let's move on. Some small suggestions below.


When a bunch ofgun-toting maniacs If this is a book of fantasy/supernatural, why would they have to be "gun-toting"?? Seems to set the wrong tone. I wanted something unexpected. Gigantic, spiked leg bones, anyone? barge into sixteen year old Lillim Callina’s home and demand that she help them release an ancient, unstoppable dragon, it means only one thing: She needs better locks. And needs to up her meds. Hah! Liked this. A big improvement over previous posts, imo.

Hmm. Why would they want her to release a horrible beast? There might be an explanation for it, but it made me wonder what might happen. But, then again, they are maniacs, right?

Then they went and lit her place on fire. So now, come hell or high water, Lillim Callina is determined to slay that dragon.

Butfor the better part of a year, she’s been trying to avoid being sucked back into her crazed mother’s war against the supernatural. Could you blame her? When Lillim was a young girl, they Mom played fun games like, “I’m going to tie you to a tree and hope you escape in time to stop the bloodthirsty vampire from tearing out your throat.”

It. Was. Awesome. Oh, yeah! Nice touch, gives us a peek at Lillim's character. So she didn't need much prodding to go after the dragon, did she?

So, all and all, she’s totally prepared to stop a dragon. What she wasn’t prepared for was for her ex-boyfriend to show up and act so sweet that she almost wanted to forgive him, right up until he stabbed her in the back… literally. Could you show this instead, such as by him using an odd weapon? Using the word "literally" seems clunky. Show us that he stabbed her in the back, and the nice twist of the reader assuming figuratively and you subtly changing it up would be a nice payoff. And use a chunk of broken leg bone. Or for a captain in her mother’s army to suddenly decide he needed to save Lillim from herself. Not bad, but I don't see how this ties in, except that people who are not the enemy are interfering with completing the task?

Boys… can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em without going to jail… Oh, I really wanted something unexpected and sickly funny here. I don't know what, as I haven't read your story, but this doesn't tell us more of Lillim's character/attitude. Can you mirror back the opening line somehow? Just a thought. "Boys ... can't live with 'em, can't break down their locked doors and set their beds on fire" or something along that line.

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of approximately60,000 words. Agents should know that an even word count is a rounded number. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request. I disagree with the previous commenter who said to cut "completed", though the "available upon request" is unnecessary.

How does the title tie in? It seems to have no relationship to anything in the query.

[Lil Tailor]

Is this better? This may have gone too far into the realm of the ridiculous though...

**

Dear Agent:

When gun toting maniacs barge into sixteen year old Lillim Callina’s home and reveal an exciting opportunity to join an ancient, unstoppable dragon before it takes over the world, it means only one thing: She needs better locks.

Then they went and lit her place on fire because that’s totally necessary when someone can’t make three easy payments of $29.95. So now, come hell or high water, Lillim Callina is determined to slay that dragon, even if it means she has to talk to her mother.

For the better part of a year, she’s been trying to avoid being sucked back into her crazed mother’s war against the supernatural. Could you blame her? When Lillim was a young girl, Mom played fun games like, “I’m going to tie you to a tree and hope you escape in time to stop the bloodthirsty vampire from tearing out your throat.”

It. Was. Awesome.

So, all and all, she’s totally prepared to stop a dragon. What she wasn’t prepared for was for her ex-boyfriend to show up and act so sweet that she almost wanted to forgive him, right up until he stabbed her in the back… with a poisoned Zulu spear.

Good thing Captain McDreamy, from her mother’s army, suddenly decided he needed to save Lillim from herself.

Boys… can’t live with ‘em, can’t use them as dragon bait… wait… Hmm…

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of 60,000 words. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Joel Q]

When gun toting maniacs barge into sixteen year old Lillim Callina’s home and reveal an exciting opportunity to join an ancient, unstoppable dragon before it takes over the world, it means only one thing: She needs better locks.

Then they went and lit her place on fire because that’s totally necessary when someone can’t make three easy payments of $29.95. Not sure what that means. So now, come hell or high water, Lillim Callina is determined to slay that dragon, even if it means she has to talk to her mother. Great line.

For the better part of a year, she’s been trying to avoid being sucked back into her crazed mother’s war against the supernatural. Could you blame her? When Lillim was a young girl, Mom played fun games like, “I’m going to tie you to a tree and hope you escape in time to stop the bloodthirsty vampire from tearing out your throat.” Really like the idea here, but it might be too long? Any other games they played with shorter titles?

It. Was. Awesome.

So, all and all, she’s totally prepared to stop a dragon. What she wasn’t prepared for was for her ex-boyfriend to show up and act so sweet that she almost wanted to forgive him, right up until he stabbed her in the back… with a poisoned Zulu spear.

Good thing Captain McDreamy, from her mother’s army, suddenly decided he needed to save Lillim from herself.

Boys… can’t live with ‘em, can’t use them as dragon bait… wait… Hmm…

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel of 60,000 words. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I love the voice in this query. Great job.
I think you should try a few agents with this query
JQ

[glj]

Ah, this really tickles my fancy! The character of Lillim comes through like a police spotlight in a dark alley. Too over the top? No, not at all. Hell no! This has character and sass and so much attitude.

Dear Agent:

When gun toting maniacs barge into sixteen year old Lillim Callina’s home and reveal an exciting opportunity to join an ancient, unstoppable dragon before it takes over the world, it means only one thing:--she needs better locks.

Then they went and lit her place on fire, because that’s totally necessary when someone can’t make three easy payments of $29.95. So now, come hell or high water, Lillim Callina is determined to gonna slay that dragon, even if it means she has to talk to her mother. Love this line!

For the better part of a year, she’s been trying to avoid being sucked back into her crazed mother’s war repeats "mother", how about "Mom's crazy war ..."? against the supernatural. Could you blame her? When Lillim was a young girl, Mom played fun games like, “I’m going to tie you to a tree and hope you escape in time to stop the bloodthirsty vampire from tearing out your throat.”

It. Was. Awesome. Three little words that show me exactly what Lillim is like. Makes me want to have Lillim blast a hole in my chest, too.

So, all and all, she’s totally prepared to stop a dragon. What she wasn’t tense change here, from "she's prepared" to "she wasn't". I'd use "What she isn't prepared for is for her ex-boyfriend ..." prepared for was for her ex-boyfriend to show up and act so sweet that she almost wanted to forgive him, right up until he stabbed her in the back… with a poisoned Zulu spear.

Good thing Captain McDreamy, from her mother’s army, suddenly One of those often overused words decided he needed to save Lillim from herself. Or for himself?

Boys… can’t live with ‘em, can’t use them as dragon bait… wait… Hmm… I had to stop and re-read this line. Not that it is bad. But at first I didn't understand it as Lillim thinking she can't use boys for dragon bait, then reconsidering the idea. I would suggest adding a few more words to make that clear, as in: "Wait... Hmm... Boys aren't good for anything else, are they?" or something similar.

THE DRAKE WAR is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at of 60,000 words. This is my first novel. The completed manuscript is available upon request.
LOVE the voice in this! If the MS delivers on what this promises, you should have no problem getting interest in the manuscript, imo.