You start off with the character instead of the situation, which I think is a very good idea. I'm not really seeing the importance of the physical description, though I really like the part about the emaciated wolf. Perhaps something like this: "Ted is a 17-year-old boy with the intelligence of a genius and the looks of an emaciated wolf." I'm making assumptions here about his intelligence level and that the looks part is pertinent (or can be) to a hook. I would ask what time Ted is from and what a normal 17-year-old's life is like? For instance, if Ted is from modern (not futuristic) times, I might say something like this: "Ted is a 17-year-old boy with the intelligence of a genius and the looks of an emaciated wolf. That makes it hard enough to fit in with the crowd, make a few good friend, date a nice girl. But that hardly matters when the gods themselves steal his memory and any chance he had for a normal life to use him in their effort to create a new species of man. A species wherein each man's body is an entire universe."Watcher55 wrote:Ted is a 17-year-old boy. At six feet tall, with his straight nose, dark green eyes and jet-black eyebrows, he resembles an emaciated wolf. Most 17 year olds gifted with his intelligence know things – like their name. The gods took Ted’s away from him after they took him from his own time in their effort to create a species of man whose body is an entire universe.
You could go another route and forget the looks part for now and concentrate on using the fact that he doesn't know his name. That's a nice hook. "Ted is a 17-year-old boy with the intelligence of a genius. But most geniuses at least know their own name. Ted has lost his name, his memory, his identity, to the gods who stole him from his life and his time. The gods who want to use him in their effort to create a new species, to create an entire universe in a single human body."
This paragraph didn't hold my attention as well, though I do think it's a great improvement. Much more focused. I would try this: "The gods' plans fall apart when the experiment goes wrong and accidentally sends Ted back in time to Nero's Rome. Now Ted must..."Watcher55 wrote:Ted escapes, but finds himself in Nero’s Rome at the flashpoint of the infamous nine-day fire that claimed a third of the city. Ted finds he has the power of Zeus and it frightens him to the edge of madness. He doesn't want power, he just wants to go home, but the gods have declared war on him and, he’s told, they are willing to murder thousands in order to kill either of Ted’s ancestors. If the gods succeed and Ted ceases to exist, he can’t ruin the gods’ original plan by doing something he’s apparently already done. What neither the gods nor Ted know is that if Ted fails, for any reason, the universe will rip itself apart and drift into Chaos.
Of course the first issue with this suggestion is that I'm not clear on what pivotal event sends Ted back in time, but you do know that and can rewrite as appriopriate. Note the bold words at the end, though. What are the two or three worst dangers that Ted is going to face? Try including these using the "Now Ted must..." phrase as a launch point. Here's an example. "The gods' plans fall apart when the experiment goes wrong and accidentally sends Ted back in time to Nero's Rome. Now Ted must survive the infamous nine-day fire that ravaged the great city and the madness of an emperor who ravaged an empire. To make matters worse, the gods are closing in on Ted and are willing to wage war on the boy if they cannot reclaim him. To escape their grasp, he must..."
The details I'm providing may not actually fit the story, but they're just for the sake of example.
I would add one more brief paragraph of just a sentence or two about failure. "If Ted fails [insert worst possible consequence for him, for those he loves, for Rome, for Man].
I hope this is helpful. Again, this is just one way to do a pitch. It may or may not be the best pitch style for the tone and voice of your story.