Historical sci-fi

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Margo
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Re: Historical sci-fi

Post by Margo » December 3rd, 2010, 12:55 pm

Yeah, I think you definitely have the idea of what I'm suggesting. I like the first pitch paragraph much better. I'm going to make some more specific suggestions, but you really need to take these with a grain of salt. The danger is that you'll end up with a query that sounds great but has an entirely different voice and tone from your novel. That would be bad. Take my suggestions. Play with them. But then rewrite to preserve your unique voice.
Watcher55 wrote:Ted is a 17-year-old boy. At six feet tall, with his straight nose, dark green eyes and jet-black eyebrows, he resembles an emaciated wolf. Most 17 year olds gifted with his intelligence know things – like their name. The gods took Ted’s away from him after they took him from his own time in their effort to create a species of man whose body is an entire universe.
You start off with the character instead of the situation, which I think is a very good idea. I'm not really seeing the importance of the physical description, though I really like the part about the emaciated wolf. Perhaps something like this: "Ted is a 17-year-old boy with the intelligence of a genius and the looks of an emaciated wolf." I'm making assumptions here about his intelligence level and that the looks part is pertinent (or can be) to a hook. I would ask what time Ted is from and what a normal 17-year-old's life is like? For instance, if Ted is from modern (not futuristic) times, I might say something like this: "Ted is a 17-year-old boy with the intelligence of a genius and the looks of an emaciated wolf. That makes it hard enough to fit in with the crowd, make a few good friend, date a nice girl. But that hardly matters when the gods themselves steal his memory and any chance he had for a normal life to use him in their effort to create a new species of man. A species wherein each man's body is an entire universe."

You could go another route and forget the looks part for now and concentrate on using the fact that he doesn't know his name. That's a nice hook. "Ted is a 17-year-old boy with the intelligence of a genius. But most geniuses at least know their own name. Ted has lost his name, his memory, his identity, to the gods who stole him from his life and his time. The gods who want to use him in their effort to create a new species, to create an entire universe in a single human body."
Watcher55 wrote:Ted escapes, but finds himself in Nero’s Rome at the flashpoint of the infamous nine-day fire that claimed a third of the city. Ted finds he has the power of Zeus and it frightens him to the edge of madness. He doesn't want power, he just wants to go home, but the gods have declared war on him and, he’s told, they are willing to murder thousands in order to kill either of Ted’s ancestors. If the gods succeed and Ted ceases to exist, he can’t ruin the gods’ original plan by doing something he’s apparently already done. What neither the gods nor Ted know is that if Ted fails, for any reason, the universe will rip itself apart and drift into Chaos.
This paragraph didn't hold my attention as well, though I do think it's a great improvement. Much more focused. I would try this: "The gods' plans fall apart when the experiment goes wrong and accidentally sends Ted back in time to Nero's Rome. Now Ted must..."

Of course the first issue with this suggestion is that I'm not clear on what pivotal event sends Ted back in time, but you do know that and can rewrite as appriopriate. Note the bold words at the end, though. What are the two or three worst dangers that Ted is going to face? Try including these using the "Now Ted must..." phrase as a launch point. Here's an example. "The gods' plans fall apart when the experiment goes wrong and accidentally sends Ted back in time to Nero's Rome. Now Ted must survive the infamous nine-day fire that ravaged the great city and the madness of an emperor who ravaged an empire. To make matters worse, the gods are closing in on Ted and are willing to wage war on the boy if they cannot reclaim him. To escape their grasp, he must..."

The details I'm providing may not actually fit the story, but they're just for the sake of example.

I would add one more brief paragraph of just a sentence or two about failure. "If Ted fails [insert worst possible consequence for him, for those he loves, for Rome, for Man].

I hope this is helpful. Again, this is just one way to do a pitch. It may or may not be the best pitch style for the tone and voice of your story.
Urban fantasy, epic fantasy, and hot Norse elves. http://margolerwill.blogspot.com/

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Watcher55
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Re: Historical sci-fi

Post by Watcher55 » December 3rd, 2010, 3:29 pm

Margo wrote:The danger is that you'll end up with a query that sounds great but has an entirely different voice and tone from your novel. That would be bad. Take my suggestions. Play with them. But then rewrite to preserve your unique voice.
Thanks for that. I showed that last version to my sister and she said it lost the style of the previous versions - "More summary than sell".

This version might be a bit long but it's under 350.

Dear Specific Agent,

After reading your interviews with _____ and ______ I wanted to query you first. THE NINTH ADDICT is a 75,000-word historical science fiction novel that follows the ordeal of a god who has reached the age of majority. <Yes, NO?>

Ted is a 17-year-old 21st Century boy – just old enough to think himself a man. At six feet tall, with his straight nose, dark green eyes and jet-black eyebrows, he resembles an emaciated version of the Roman wolf. Not a genius, but gifted with intelligence, he should know things. Like his name and his past. The gods removed all things “Ted” after they removed him from his own time in their effort to start History over and thus create a species of man whose body is an entire universe.

Ted has a secret ally and escapes, but finds himself in Nero’s Rome at a little known flashpoint of the infamous nine-day fire that claimed a third of the city. Ted finds he has the power of Zeus and it literally carries him to the edge of madness. He doesn’t want power, he just wants to go home, but the gods have declared war on him and, he’s told, they are willing to murder thousands in order to kill either of Ted’s ancestors. Ted has to protect two people he doesn’t even know in the middle of a city where bodies are piling up. If the gods succeed and Ted ceases to exist, he can’t ruin the gods’ original plan by doing something he’s apparently already done. What neither the gods nor Ted know is that if Ted fails, for any reason, the universe will rip itself apart and be cast into Chaos.

I hold a BA in History from Freed Hardeman University, and after fifteen years of research in preparation for this work, I can say that First Century Rome has more in common with 21st Century Western Civilization than we might care to admit. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Watcher

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Watcher55
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Re: Historical sci-fi

Post by Watcher55 » December 21st, 2010, 8:58 am

OK, I buried it in my hard drive for a while then pulled it out and did a little fine tuning. I guess this version might do the trick - whaddaya think?

Dear Specific Agent,

After reading your interviews with _____ and ______, I wanted to query you first. THE NINTH ADDICT is a 75,000-word science fiction/fantasy novel that follows the ordeal of a god who has reached the age of majority.

Ted is a 17-year-old 21st Century boy. At six feet tall, with his straight nose, dark green eyes and jet-black eyebrows, he resembles an emaciated version of the Roman wolf. Not a genius, but gifted with intelligence, he should know things – like his name and his past. The gods removed all things “Ted” after they removed him from his own time in their effort to start History over and create a species of man whose body is an entire universe by reconciling memory with event.

Ted has a secret ally and escapes but finds himself in Nero’s Rome at a little known flashpoint of the infamous nine-day fire that claimed a third of the city. Ted learns he has Zeus’ talisman of power, and it literally drives him to the edge of madness. He doesn’t want power; he just wants to go home. The gods however, have declared war on him, and Ted is told they are willing to murder thousands in order to kill either of Ted’s key ancestors. Ted has to protect two people he doesn’t know in the middle of a burning city where bodies are piling up. If the gods succeed and Ted ceases to exist, he can’t ruin the gods’ original plan by doing something he’s apparently already done. What neither the gods nor Ted know is that if Ted fails, for any reason, the universe will rip itself apart and drift into Chaos.

I hold a BA in History from Freed Hardeman University, and after fifteen years of research in preparation for this work, I have discovered that Ancient History has more in common with 21st Century Western Civilization than we might care to admit. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Watcher

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Holly
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Re: Historical sci-fi

Post by Holly » December 26th, 2010, 9:20 pm

Hello, Watcher. Just a couple of quick comments. The other posters are giving great feedback and your query is improving.

FYI, I loved the ten-dimensional ‘brane in the first version -- I read science articles, so I know what that is -- but maybe it's better to go simple.

One suggestion: your statement about "I wanted to query you first" comes across as insincere. Just me, but if I reference an interview in a query, I try to specifically tie it to my novel.

Good luck!

ajcattapan
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Re: Historical sci-fi

Post by ajcattapan » December 27th, 2010, 10:36 pm

Watcher,

Your query is really shaping up, and your story idea sounds very original. One little thing had me scratching my head. The story takes place in Rome, but you mention the Greek god Zeus. His Roman equivalent was Jupiter. Perhaps it would be better to stick with Roman gods and goddesses based on the setting of your story.

Best of luck to you!

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Watcher55
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Re: Historical sci-fi

Post by Watcher55 » December 27th, 2010, 10:46 pm

ajcattapan wrote:Watcher,

Your query is really shaping up, and your story idea sounds very original. One little thing had me scratching my head. The story takes place in Rome, but you mention the Greek god Zeus. His Roman equivalent was Jupiter. Perhaps it would be better to stick with Roman gods and goddesses based on the setting of your story.

Best of luck to you!
I did overlook that and you're the first one to catch it (including the folks IRL) - THANKS

I use his Roman name in the book, but at the time Ted's kidnapped he goes by Zeus - still Jupiter is better for the query.

EDIT: I just thought about how HUGE this is. Fifteen years...blah...BA History....blah - and the guy doesn't even know when or where his story takes place. Next query.

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