Query: HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT - New Revision - Revision #3

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androidblues
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Re: Query: HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT - New Revision - Revision #3

Post by androidblues » November 19th, 2010, 11:48 am

I'm going to give this a go.
Magellan Talbot is having a chat with a goddess, and she’s not happy with him. Reword, right now the subject of this sentence is confusing. Before I realized that Magellan was a guy I thought that he wasn't happy with the goddess. Word like this -- A goddess is having a chat with Magellan Talbot, and she's not happy with him.

Magellan is Castillia’s vessel, her primary link to the world of men. Magellan’s not so crazy about the idea, though. After all, he’s just a kid. He doesn't want to be anyone's vessel, but apparently he has no choice in the matter.

Magellan just wants to go home, but Castillia tells him he must gather his weapons, and avoid the gaze of the beast. Beast? What beast? What weapons? Of course, she doesn’t tell him. Goddesses are vague like that.

Castillia needs him to do a few simple things for her: save his brother, avert civil war, secure the rapier, stop the protean cataclysm, and keep darkness from the throne.

What? He’s just a kid!

Well, he doesn’t have to do it all right now. He’s going to have his hands full gathering his weapons and not looking at the beast… whatever that means. The problem is that he needs to do both in time to save his brother, and he doesn't even know where to start!

That’s a lot for a kid to take in. In fact, Magellan doesn’t want to believe it. He wants to forget so bad that he convinces himself it’s all just a dream, and when he wakes up, he forgets the conversation entirely. That makes it a little hard to do all the things you’re supposed to do.

But memory or no memory, his brother still needs him. He was born to do what needs to be done. It’s just going to be a little harder since he thinks he’s a normal kid, and has no idea what's going on.

HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT is a Sci-Fi/Fantasy complete at 67,000 words. The first 5 pages are attached for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.
I'm unsure at this point. I like the fun tone, but like Magellan I'm kinda confused as to why the goddess picked him or why she can't just get another vessel. She is a goddess after all, so isn't she all powerful? Also, maybe give a bit more information about the brother, the villain, why we're supposed to care for Magellan to defeat the beast.
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

In the real word as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems.

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