Query - Possessed

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saraflower
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Re: Query - Possessed

Post by saraflower » October 30th, 2010, 9:59 pm

Thanks so much for your help! I like your suggestions.

saraflower
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Re: Query - Possessed

Post by saraflower » October 31st, 2010, 4:33 pm

POSSESSED - Fifth Revision (Currently thinking of a more unique title)

Dear Agent,

Gabriel's life is a lie. Everything he thought was real turns out to be a product of radiation, electrodes, and drugs – including his identity. But he knows one thing. If he does not get out of the White Horizon Research Facility soon, he will be a corpse.

Gabriel learns that the experiment he volunteered for failed and all evidence of the illegal project will be terminated - including him. He and two other patients escape through an air vent and flee to New York with plans to change their identity and start over.

Until someone stalks them. Her intention to kill is clear. Wherever they go, she finds them. They barely manage to get away from her. And there are others after them - the angry spirits of four boys that Gabriel knows all too well. He knows what they want. Vengeance. He murdered them five years ago. He wishes he could go back and erase what he did to them.

Gabriel will have to find a way to keep himself - and his new friends - alive. But he knows nothing will save him from his punishment in the afterlife. That is what a cold blooded killer deserves.

POSSESSED is a young adult supernatural thriller with a word count of 56,000 words.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration of my work.

Sincerely,

Sara Flower Kjeldsen

saraflower
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Re: Query - Possessed

Post by saraflower » November 1st, 2010, 12:14 pm

**Shamelessly bumps her query to the top*

Sorry guys! I just want to know where my query sits. I am hoping to start contacting agents this week.

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androidblues
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Re: Query - Possessed

Post by androidblues » November 1st, 2010, 3:07 pm

If anything I don't like this line, He wishes he could go back and erase what he did to them. I'm kinda thinking that either those guys deserved what they had coming to them - such as they sodomized him or something - or he killed them for no reason - in which case I'm not going to sympathize with him no matter how guilty he feels. If it's the former and not the latter why would he feel guilty? I know I sure wouldn't if those guys did something to me. But if he just did a Virginia Tech on them why should we feel sorry for him?

For the positives I liked the previous hook - Gabriel is a murderer - it really drew me into the story. But this version is tighter.

Good luck on your agent hunt.
http://www.thebooklantern.com

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

In the real word as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems.

saraflower
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Re: Query - Possessed

Post by saraflower » November 1st, 2010, 3:47 pm

I see your point about that line "He wishes he could erase what he did to them". I can simply show that in the story, but it doesn't really need to be mentioned in the query. You're right though - he "shouldn't" feel bad for what he did, but he does.

Yeah I get what you're saying about opening with "Gabriel is a murderer." I like it, too. But I also like the latest opening line. It's so hard to decide!

Thanks for the feedback!

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androidblues
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Re: Query - Possessed

Post by androidblues » November 1st, 2010, 4:05 pm

Ah I understand. You're welcome. :D
http://www.thebooklantern.com

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

In the real word as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems.

saraflower
Posts: 106
Joined: October 28th, 2010, 10:58 am
Location: Canada
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Re: Query - Possessed

Post by saraflower » November 1st, 2010, 4:49 pm

I was playing around with the opening sentences in comparison to my last revision. I am trying to decide which version sounds more gripping.

Dear Agent,

Gabriel is a murderer. The experiment he volunteered for was supposed to erase the memories. Now all he knows is one thing: If he does not get out of the White Horizon Research Facility soon, he will be a corpse.

The study has failed. All evidence of White Horizon's illegal project will be terminated - including him. He and two other patients escape through an air vent and flee to New York with plans to change their identity and start over.

Until someone stalks them. Her intention to kill is clear. Wherever they go, she finds them. They barely manage to get away from her. And there are others after them - the angry spirits of four boys that Gabriel knows all too well. He knows what they want. Vengeance. He killed them.

Gabriel will have to find a way to keep himself - and his new friends - alive. But he knows nothing will save him from his punishment in the afterlife. That is what a cold blooded killer deserves.

POSSESSED is a young adult supernatural thriller with a word count of 56,000 words.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration of my work.

Sincerely,

Sara Flower Kjeldsen

Jaligard
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Re: Query - Possessed

Post by Jaligard » November 1st, 2010, 5:31 pm

Please note that I didn't read the earlier version.
saraflower wrote:Dear Agent,

Gabriel is a murderer. The experiment he volunteered for was supposed to erase the memories. Now all he knows is one thing: If he does not get out of the White Horizon Research Facility soon, he will be a corpse.
This paragraph just has my head spinning. "Gabriel is a murderer" does not prepare me for what follows. The way this reads, it sounds like the experiments made him murder.
The study has failed. All evidence of White Horizon's illegal project will be terminated - including him. He and two other patients escape through an air vent and flee to New York with plans to change their identity and start over.

Until someone stalks them. Her intention to kill is clear. Wherever they go, she finds them. They barely manage to get away from her. And there are others after them - the angry spirits of four boys that Gabriel knows all too well. He knows what they want. Vengeance. He killed them.
This last paragraph is another head-spinny paragraph. The beginning has nothing to do with the end. "Until someone stalks them" doesn't work. It belongs in the previous paragraph and needs specificity.
Gabriel will have to find a way to keep himself - and his new friends - alive. But he knows nothing will save him from his punishment in the afterlife. That is what a cold blooded killer deserves.
Gabriel needs to appear redeemable. As it is, all we know about him is that he's a murderer. We have conflict: the White Horizon company wants Gabriel dead. But we need to root for Gabriel and we really need a reason to. He killed four boys is a bad reason.

Focus on this problem first. Once we care about Gabriel, you can work on the plot. But the plot won't matter at all if we don't care about your protagonist.

saraflower
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Re: Query - Possessed

Post by saraflower » November 1st, 2010, 5:37 pm

Thanks for your help. I guess that I will have incorporate some back story into the query and fix more weak spots.

This is much harder than I thought!

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