A Lullaby: giving it another shot

[priya g.]

I am back with a lot more optimism and a larger appetite for help. please stab the query left right and center, till it touches the brink of perfection. below is the basic chunk:

Agora Beckwith’s life isn't getting any brighter by Dave’s love, its getting shorter. That is but a small price for giving him her heart and getting his back. Her identity may play a small role in that, but not like she cares.

Being a descendant of the Sun people has always been fun: reincarnation, unparalleled knowledge in the sciences and the power to absorb fire in every inch of her body. Until now.

Punishment for reincarnating super humans can't be death- that would be a joke. The rulers of Agora’s kind have something else in mind for her: decomposition, the end of her existence. She can't chose love over her life- she made the choice long ago.

Agora’s love for Dave is strong; her body isn't. Which will give away first?

Or can Dave save both?

[wilderness]

I am back with a lot more optimism and a larger appetite for help. please stab the query left right and center, till it touches the brink of perfection. below is the basic chunk:

Glad you're game to try again, Priya!

Agora Beckwith’s life isn't getting any brighter by Dave’s love, its getting shorter. That is but a small price for giving him her heart and getting his back. Her identity may play a small role in that, but not like she cares. It sounds like Dave is only dating her because she's a descendent of the Sun people. It might be better to tell us explicitly how her identity plays a role.

Being a descendant of the Sun people has always been fun: reincarnation, unparalleled knowledge in the sciences and the power to absorb fire in every inch of her body. Until now. Good description.

Punishment for reincarnating super humans can't be death- that would be a joke. This sounds like she's being punished for reincarnating, which I don't think is what you meant. Be clear why she is being punished. The rulers of Agora’s kind have something else in mind for her: decomposition, the end of her existence. She can't chose love over her life- she made the choice long ago. I'm glad you're being explicit here about her punishment. Interesting twist.

Agora’s love for Dave is strong; her body isn't. Which will give away first? Again, I'm not entirely clear what you're implying by this.

Or can Dave save both?

I think the simpler language in this version is working for you. But some of the statements are still vague. Since this is the world you've created, I'm sure it seems crystal clear to you. But help us understand it as well. Be as explicit as possible about what's going on. It's a good skeleton, but I think you want to flesh it out more. Tell us more about Agora and Dave. Why should we care about them?

[caseygriffin2]

Agora Beckwith’s life isn't getting any brighter by Dave’s love, its getting shorter I had to read this a couple of times. Something just seems a little off about it. Try rewording it and adding something about your main character. I think the word brighter seems a bit funny, though I do get the whole sun reference. The love that Agora, a descendant of the Sun people, receives from Dave, a normal human, doesn't improve her life, it makes it shorter. I used the word improve instead of brighter, but either word it seem like the love doesn't really make her life all that great, but aren't they the two main characters? Shouldn't his love make her life brighter? Just throwing ideas out there, but I don't know enough about your book, so maybe my comments are way off the mark . That is but a small price for giving him her heart and getting his back.Getting his back? you mean in return for hers or did he lose his heart somehow and now he can get it back somehow. "Now that she has loved him and known his love in return, her existence is a small price to pay." or maybe you can put it after the next paragraphHer identity may play a small role in that, but not like she cares. Sorry, this sentence was a bit too vague for me, be really clear, concise and specific.

Being a descendant of the Sun people has always been fun: reincarnation, unparalleled knowledge in the sciences and the power to absorb fire in every inch of her body. Until now. It is against the laws of the Sun people to love a human (I don't know this, I'm just making it up. We need a reason why she is going to be punished - high stakes), and Agora faces punishment by means decomposition, which means the end of her existence.

Agora must chose between her love for Dave and life - a choice she once made before, long ago. (was she in love before? I didn't really understand that sentence. Why can't she chose love over her life? Are you referring to some kind of back story?

Punishment for reincarnating super humans can't be death- that would be a joke. The rulers of Agora’s kind have something else in mind for her: decomposition, the end of her existence. She can't chose love over her life- she made the choice long ago.

Agora’s love for Dave is strong; her body isn'tWhy isn't her body strong? Do you mean physically? Or is that a reference to her wanting him?. Which will give away first?

Or can Dave save both? Up until this point, you haven't said much about Dave. So far, I have the impression that he's kind of a nobody and she's the one with all the cool powers. How can he save her? You don't have to reveal the spoilers of what happens, but show your characters, then reveal the problem, which you've done, but now what must they do to over come it? Drama drama drama. Haha.

You've got a good start here, but like the other poster said, you need to be less vague. The agent doesn't want to wonder what the book is about, they'll ask for more if they're intrigued about the story line, but you have to let them in on the story line first. Good start. I like the opening and how you reveal that her life is getting shorter, good hook.

[Ermo]

Here are my comments:

Agora Beckwith’s life isn't getting any brighter by Dave’s love, it's getting shorter. That is but a small price for giving him her heart and getting his back. Her identity may play a small role in that, but it's not like she cares. My first question from this is: Why is it getting shorter? You don't answer that in the first graph and until you answer that question, I'm going to have a hard time investing in any other plots/sub-plots. Also, I think the word "identity" is too vague here.

Being a descendant of the Sun people has always been fun: reincarnation, unparalleled knowledge in the sciences and the power to absorb fire in every inch of her body. Until now. Why? Because he's not a Sun person? You haven't mentioned that yet.

Punishment for reincarnating super humans can't be death- that would be a joke. The rulers of Agora’s kind have something else in mind for her: decomposition, the end of her existence. She can't chose love over her life- she made the choice long ago. Agora's kind is awkward - can you just say Sun people? So, she reincarnated a super human? That's what it sounds like. You need a better label, I think.Agora’s love for Dave is strong; her body isn't. Which will give away first?

Or can Dave save both?

The voice in this is fun. I like that. I think the plot/story shared here needs more detail. I think you might be assuming we know more about your book than we do. Also, can you create a more clear villian? I get it's the rulers but is there one person? Finally, if Dave is the one that is doing the saving, isn't he the protagonist? I'd like to know more about him. Please feel free to post any updates. Good luck with this!

[fishfood]

Hi! I skimmed through some of the other comments, but decided that if I end up hitting on some of the same issues, it'll probably mean it's something that needs major fixing: So here goes!

I am back with a lot more optimism and a larger appetite for help. please stab the query left right and center, till it touches the brink of perfection. below is the basic chunk:

Agora Beckwith’s life isn't getting any brighter by Dave’s love, its getting shorter. That is but a small price for giving him her heart and getting his back. Her identity may play a small role in that, but not like she cares. At this point, without reading futher, I'm actually lost.Why would her life be getting shorter and less brighter? How does her identity play a role? Can you begin the query with what she is? I would even suggest starting the query with the second line so I know what kind of character I'm starting with, then it would make a little more sense:
Being a descendant of the Sun people has always been fun: reincarnation, unparalleled knowledge in the sciences and the power to absorb fire in every inch of her body. Until now.

Punishment for reincarnating super humans can't be death- that would be a joke. What are super humans? Why are there punishments? Why would it be a joke?? The rulers of Agora’s kind have something else in mind for her: decomposition, the end of her existence. Why??? She can't chose love over her life- she made the choice long ago.

Agora’s love for Dave is strong; her body isn't. Which will give away first?

Or can Dave save both? How can Dave save both? Who is Dave other than Agora's love interest?

If I have to re-read the query over and over to get a hint at what might be going on...that's not a good sign (probably says more about me though than you...so I hope you're not offended!). An agent might not bother going past the first line if it doesn't make any sense.

I would suggest actually writing out the story as a synopsis explaining things in great detail for idiots like me. :P Then start paring away until you're left with the query.

[priya g.]

Thanks to all of you for your comments!

I see that the first line has gotten everyone- and not in a good way. I am working on the next version, hoping to combine all the suggestions given here. will post that up in a few hours.

just a quick question- wasnt this query a on the short side?
Thanks again

[oldhousejunkie]

To answer your question, yes, your newest version is a little short. But if you take some of the comments into consideration, it should fill out.

I don't have much to add. Just from reading your earlier version, your voice is much clearer, and I understand the basic the story line. But as the others said, it's still vague. I don't get a sense of Agora or Dave. Why is she risking her life (so to speak) to love this guy? What makes him so special? And I agree that the antagonist needs a little more description. Lay out why we should care about these characters. You can't go wrong with that.

Keep plugging away...you're getting there.

[priya g.]

VERSION # 1,000,000,000,0001 (just that I dont post the ones i come up with in my brain)

Agora Beckwith is a descendant of the Sun people: her body can absorb fire, she re-incarnates, silently watching the progression of the human race. And she’s in love with a mermaid, Dave Douglas.
Dave has one lifetime in the human body and he has written it off to the yearning for the return to the ocean; that is, until he meets Agora, the short pessimistic dreamer girl. Now, he finds his home in her.
Even if her family objects. Or the rulers of the Sun People and Mermaids.
The two species work hand-in-hand behind the shadows, protecting humans from the fatal effects of fire and the ocean. Yet, they never test the boundaries between them: water and fire can never be together. And they have punishments for those that try.
Agora and Dave are sentenced to decomposition, an end worse than death, for there is no return to Earth at the end of it.
But there is a traitor among the Sun people who is out to help them.
Will he reach Agora and Dave before the punishment does?

Thats the basics again. looking forward to comments and hope i took all of the previous ones into consideration!

[Melissa LR Handa]

Hi Priya

These are my comments coming into the situation with a completely fresh perspective. And thank you for your comments on my query! I would definitely benefit from a desi writer friend. I force my husband and sis-in-law to proofread, but neither is a writer, so... Anyway!

VERSION # 1,000,000,000,0001 (just that I dont post the ones i come up with in my brain)

Agora Beckwith is a descendant of the Sun people: her body can absorb fire, she re-incarnates, silently watching the progression of the human race. And she’s in love with a mermaid, Dave Douglas.

I like what this first part is saying, but I would adjust a bit for grammar. Agora Beckwith is descended from the Sun people, a race whose ability to absorb fire leads to constant... As Agora cycles through the phases of reincarnation, she is saddened by the lackluster progression of the human race, which only she and those like her are able to observe. Her only solace comes in the form of part man, part fish--Dave Douglas, the love of her life. (FYI, a boy mermaid is a merman)

Dave has one lifetime in the human body and he has written it off to the yearning for the return to the ocean; that is, until he meets Agora, the short pessimistic dreamer girl. Now, he finds his home in her.

Dave is also a reincarnate being. Until now, his longing for the salty sweetness of the ocean waves has led him to take every birth as a merman, but those in his race are able to take on one life in human form. Meeting Agora makes Dave question his loyalty to the sea. There's just something about that diminutive, cynical girl that is like coming home. There's only one problem--fire and water don't mix.

Even if her family objects. Or the rulers of the Sun People and Mermaids.
The two species work hand-in-hand behind the shadows, protecting humans from the fatal effects of fire and the ocean. Yet, they never test the boundaries between them: water and fire can never be together. And they have punishments for those that try.
Agora and Dave are sentenced to decomposition, an end worse than death, for there is no return to Earth at the end of it.
But there is a traitor among the Sun people who is out to help them.
Will he reach Agora and Dave before the punishment does?

Although the two species have collaborated for years behind the shadows to protect humans from the fatal effects of their element, they have never tested the boundaries that separate them from one another. They believe with good reason that fire and water can never be together. Out of fear, they punish all those who attempt to defy this basic law of their peoples.

Upon being discovered, Agora and Dave are sentenced to a fate worse than death--decomposition, a process which will render them both incapable of reincarnation forever after. Mr. Bojangles (or whatever the guy's name is) believes that both races can benefit from this union and will stop at nothing to helps the star-crossed lovers. Now if only he can reach them before their fates are sealed and both races feel the recoil of this immoral punishment...

Sorry, I just went into rewrite mode. I may not have even understood the story properly. I will be happy to engage you further, if you like any of my suggestions.

Look forward to getting to know you priya. Jai Hind!

Thats the basics again. looking forward to comments and hope i took all of the previous ones into consideration!

[priya g.]

Hi Priya

These are my comments coming into the situation with a completely fresh perspective. And thank you for your comments on my query! I would definitely benefit from a desi writer friend. I force my husband and sis-in-law to proofread, but neither is a writer, so... Anyway!

VERSION # 1,000,000,000,0001 (just that I dont post the ones i come up with in my brain)

Agora Beckwith is a descendant of the Sun people: her body can absorb fire, she re-incarnates, silently watching the progression of the human race. And she’s in love with a mermaid, Dave Douglas.

I like what this first part is saying, but I would adjust a bit for grammar. Agora Beckwith is descended from the Sun people, a race whose ability to absorb fire leads to constant... As Agora cycles through the phases of reincarnation, she is saddened by the lackluster progression of the human race, which only she and those like her are able to observe. Her only solace comes in the form of part man, part fish--Dave Douglas, the love of her life. (FYI, a boy mermaid is a merman)

Dave has one lifetime in the human body and he has written it off to the yearning for the return to the ocean; that is, until he meets Agora, the short pessimistic dreamer girl. Now, he finds his home in her.

Dave is also a reincarnate being. Until now, his longing for the salty sweetness of the ocean waves has led him to take every birth as a merman, but those in his race are able to take on one life in human form. Meeting Agora makes Dave question his loyalty to the sea. There's just something about that diminutive, cynical girl that is like coming home. There's only one problem--fire and water don't mix.

Even if her family objects. Or the rulers of the Sun People and Mermaids.
The two species work hand-in-hand behind the shadows, protecting humans from the fatal effects of fire and the ocean. Yet, they never test the boundaries between them: water and fire can never be together. And they have punishments for those that try.
Agora and Dave are sentenced to decomposition, an end worse than death, for there is no return to Earth at the end of it.
But there is a traitor among the Sun people who is out to help them.
Will he reach Agora and Dave before the punishment does?

Although the two species have collaborated for years behind the shadows to protect humans from the fatal effects of their element, they have never tested the boundaries that separate them from one another. They believe with good reason that fire and water can never be together. Out of fear, they punish all those who attempt to defy this basic law of their peoples.

Upon being discovered, Agora and Dave are sentenced to a fate worse than death--decomposition, a process which will render them both incapable of reincarnation forever after. Mr. Bojangles (or whatever the guy's name is) believes that both races can benefit from this union and will stop at nothing to helps the star-crossed lovers. Now if only he can reach them before their fates are sealed and both races feel the recoil of this immoral punishment...

Sorry, I just went into rewrite mode. I may not have even understood the story properly. I will be happy to engage you further, if you like any of my suggestions.

Look forward to getting to know you priya. Jai Hind!

Thats the basics again. looking forward to comments and hope i took all of the previous ones into consideration!

I saw this last night, I rubbed my eyes. i came this morning and it was still there. i pinched myself. no, this couldnt be happening, my brain said. but oh my god it is. you are my savior Melissa. I think i will tweak your re written version and put it up. it nailed the story on the head, like WAAAACK! thank you so much

[Melissa LR Handa]

I'm glad you liked my suggestions, Priya. Sorry I went a little bonkers in the editing--I actually proofread translations for a living, so I guess you could say I am a professional editor of sorts. Hey, if you wanted to return the favor, you could give my synopsis a once over. It's posted on the forum. Thanks, and best of luck-ji :-D

[priya g.]

next version (based on Melissa's invaluable comments)

Dear Agent,
Agora Beckwith is a descendant of the Sun People, a race that has the ability to absorb fire in their bodies. As she cycles through the phases of reincarnation, Agora is awed by the exponential progress of the human race, which only she and those like her are able to observe. Food didn't satisfy her hunger as much as fire did. and there came a day when even flames weren't enough. That was the day she saw Dave Douglas.

Dave is part man, part fish- a merman who walks on two feet yet reminisces the sweet saltiness of the sea. Meeting Agora makes Dave question his loyalty to the sea. There is just something about that diminutive cynical girl that is like coming home.
There’s only one problem- fire and water don't mix.

Although the two species have collaborated for years behind the shadows to protect humans from the fatal effects of their elements, they have never tested the boundaries that separate them from one another.

Upon being discovered, Agora and Dave are sentenced to a fate worse than death- decomposition, an end to their existence forever, a painful demise. Azarus, the Minister of the Sun People, stands to support their love and secretly plans their escape to Antarctica.

Now, Dave has to decide between an agonizing end and a life as good as hell frozen over.

[Melissa LR Handa]

Hi Priya.

It's looking better. I've added in suggestions throughout. Hope it helps!

next version (based on Melissa's invaluable comments)

Dear Agent,
Agora Beckwith is a descendant of the Sun People, a race that has the ability to absorb fire into their bodies. As she cycles through the phases of reincarnation, Agora is awed by the exponential progress of the human race, which only she and those like her are able to observe. in your first draft, I was under the impression that Agora is sickened by the slow progress of humans, now it seems she is impressed by their quick progress. I also think it should be more clear how humans factor into the story. Are things more dangerous for the fire and water people than ever before, because people are wandering to new places and putting themselves in more danger now?Food didn't satisfy her hunger as much as fire did. and there came a day when even flames weren't enough. That was the day she saw Dave Douglas. I'm not sure how hunger plays in here, or if it's necessary to mention food at all

Dave is part man, part fish- you've used a hyphen. What you want is a dash which is made by two hyphens (--)a merman who walks on two feet yet reminisces the sweet saltiness of the sea. I think you need to mention that genetially Dave is a mermaid but for whatever reason he's in human form and emphasize that he still maintains the characteristic of a water personMeeting Agora makes Dave question his loyalty to the sea. How does he question his loyalty to the seaThere is just something about that diminutive ,cynical girl that is like coming home.
There’s only one problem- fire and water don't mix.

Although the two species have collaborated for years behind the shadows to protect humans from the fatal effects of their elements, maybe explain more about how humans are protected, what can happen if they get too closethey have never tested the boundaries that separate them from one another.I think you need to mention that mixing is considered taboo or dangerous and give a feeling for the context Agora and Dave's love is developing in

Upon being discovered, Agora and Dave are sentenced to a fate worse than deathtry to avoid cliches like "fate worse than death" or "hell frozen over"- decomposition, an end to their existence forever, a painful demise. Azarus, the Minister of the Sun People, stands If Azarus is working secretly, then he's not taking a standto support their love and secretly plans their escape to Antarctica. Antartica = ICE, what will happen to them there, it seems Agora will melt the ice and Dave will die via turning into a mer-cube

Now, Dave has to decide between an agonizing end and a life as good as hell frozen over.

Since you start the query from Agora's viewpoint, you should end it there too. What must Agora decide? It's okay to mention Dave, but bring her back in too

[androidblues]

Wow Melissa. That's some pretty nice prose you wrote. The story is really sounding a lot clearer now priya. My one beef is that maybe you can umph up whatever decomposition is. Make it sound really unappealing, like being burned at the stake or crucified or something. I like your description of Agora. She sounds like what I thought Katniss would be like.

[Melissa LR Handa]

Thank you, Android :-D I need all of the compliments possible, now that I am actively seeking publication of my first novel. It's a brutal, self-effacing process to be sure! You're welcome to check out my query, which is on the boards. It's THE IRON PILLAR and it's literary women's fiction. I'd be happy to look at something of yours if you think it may help...

I'm working on my second novel now--the first in a paranormal YA series. Which genre(s) do you write in?