When the Sun rises- Adult fiction

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priya g.
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When the Sun rises- Adult fiction

Post by priya g. » October 23rd, 2010, 1:20 pm

Back again for some more feedback! thanks in advance for your help

Christine Longman has been toiling nonstop for 40 years, each day working to fulfil her version of the American dream. She left high school with blazing transcripts and a few broken hearts- including her own. There are scars on her heart from the words others have uttered to her, about her, that have left her bleeding somewhere inside. But wounds don't have a place in her reverie, progression does.

And then one day it hits her- all the pent up anger and frustration, the denied feelings and heartache- the ultimate realization that maybe, just maybe, she is living a nightmare after all. Her dreams have come true- she asked for a house with a garden, she got a swimming pool too. She asked for a husband that held her hand, she got Trace that carried her up the stairs. She asked for a child, she got two golden boys. She asked for a job at a university, she sits on the Professor’s seat.

She knows that deep inside, she aches for something else- the chance to have a severe hangover before a big exam in college, the adrenaline rush of sitting in a car in top speed, sex at 30 thousand feet, maybe even snorting down a coke line. She doesn't know where these desires are coming from; she has never been a bad girl.

Or deep down, has she?

WHEN THE SUN RISES is an adult fiction at 70,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

fishfood
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Re: When the Sun rises- Adult fiction

Post by fishfood » October 24th, 2010, 4:23 pm

priya g. wrote:Back again for some more feedback! thanks in advance for your help

Christine Longman has been toiling nonstop for 40 years, each day working to fulfil her version of the American dream (what version is that?). She left high school (if you're going all the way back to high school, we need to know what was so scarring--most people get over high school drama within five years) with blazing transcripts and a few broken hearts- including her own. There are scars on her heart from the words others have uttered to her, about her, that have left her bleeding somewhere inside. But wounds don't have a place in her reverie, progression does.

And then one day it hits her- all the pent up anger and frustration, the denied feelings and heartache- the ultimate realization that maybe, just maybe, she is living a nightmare after all. Her dreams have come true- she asked for a house with a garden, she got a swimming pool too. She asked for a husband that held her hand, she got Trace that who carried her up the stairs. She asked for a child, she got two golden boys. She asked for a job at a university, she sits on the Professor’s seat. Okay, now I know what her American dream is, you might want to start the query with this paragraph.
She knows that deep inside, she aches for something else (why?)- the chance to have a severe hangover before a big exam in college, the adrenaline rush of sitting in a car in top speed, sex at 30 thousand feet, maybe even snorting down a coke line. She doesn't know where these desires are coming from (unfortunately, neither do we...); she has never been a bad girl.

Or deep down, has she?

WHEN THE SUN RISES is an adult fiction at 70,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.
Hey there! I get the overall of theme of your novel that I definitely think makes for an interesting read, but for me personally, the query has a couple big issues that jump out.

1) Vagueness: "...a few broken hearts- including her own. There are scars on her heart from the words others have uttered to her, about her, that have left her bleeding somewhere inside." This breaks the golden rule of writing: you're telling us, not showing. This paragraph actually does NOTHING to introduce your character. Was she a smart trailer-trash girl that people picked on? Was she a slutty valedectorian? Did her parents die in a horrible accident? Was she bullied because she was ugly? Did her boyfriend cheat on her?

Do you see what I'm getting at? This is generic enough to describe EVERYONE--not Christine.

2) There's no conflict here. Just a desperate wife/mother/working woman bored with her life. And that actually makes me not like her--At all. Find some way for the reader to feel a bit of sympathy for Christine here. Otherwise, she comes off as a 40 year old with a perfect life, bemoaning not being a "bad girl" in high school. Not someone I want to read about--UNLESS, you can make us relate to her. I think there actually ARE a lot of women like Christine out there that can relate to this "what if?" mentality, but you have to be careful about how it comes across in a query. Again, give us the conflict, and the choices she has to face.

I would suggest starting the query with the second paragraph. Maybe something like: Christine is living her out her own American dream--or so she thought...

You're only hinting at what I think is a great book that seems like it will resonate with lovers of BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY. So show us! :D

ABFTomioka
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Re: When the Sun rises- Adult fiction

Post by ABFTomioka » October 25th, 2010, 1:34 am

Hello! I think you have a great idea in the works here. It's a common story for people, I think, and women especially; getting what they think they want yet somehow feeling it wasn't what they truly wanted after all. Anyway, I have a few suggestions for your query:

Christine Longman has been toiling nonstop for 40 years, each day working to fulfil her version of the American dream. I like these ideas, but I think the first sentance could be a stronger hook. Even something as simple as "Christine Longman is living the American dream, and it only took her 40 years to get there." She left high school with blazing transcripts I'm not really sure what this means....were her grades good or bad? and a few broken hearts - including her own. There are scars on her heart from the words others have uttered to her, about her, that have left her bleeding somewhere inside. But wounds don't have a place in her reverie, progression does. I wonder if you need to mention the broken hearts detail here...I think the next paragraph follows better without it. At least you can move her internal wounds elsewhere - maybe a new paragraph?

I just moved the first sentance to the next paragraph - I think it fits better there. Her dreams have come true. She asked for a house with a garden and got a swimming pool too. She asked for a husband who would hold her hand, and she got Trace who carried her up the stairs. She asked for a child, and she got two golden boys. She asked for a job at a university; now Christine sits on the Professor’s seat.

And then one day it hits her- all the pent up anger and frustration, the denied feelings and heartache- the ultimate realization that maybe, just maybe, she is living a nightmare after all. On the surface she has everything, but secretly she aches for something else- the chance to have a severe hangover before a big exam in college, the adrenaline rush of sitting in a car in top speed, sex at 30 thousand feet, maybe even snorting down a coke line. She doesn't know where these desires are coming from; she has never been a bad girl.

Or deep down, has she?

WHEN THE SUN RISES is an adult fiction complete (just so they know it's finished!) at 70,000 words.

Best of luck! I really like where you're going with this story.

pollymilton
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Re: When the Sun rises- Adult fiction

Post by pollymilton » October 25th, 2010, 3:45 pm

Hi Priya,
I'm going to go with fishfood on this one. The conflict has been set up - perfect life vs. what else is there - so now what? Unless high school is where the seed of her conflict is planted, i'm not sure you need it. She's got everything, why do we like her/ and what is she going to fight for? Nice start, you overacheiver, you.
Polly.

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