Okay. Overall, I like the premise, but keep in mind that it has a couple parallels to Hunger Games. I think it's different enough that you'll be fine, but I just thought I'd throw it out there. Keep cracking at it! Queries are hard to perfect, but you're getting closer!D.S. Deshaw wrote:I figured the last version must not be very good, either, so here's another try :) Hopefully it's better?
Ayla didn't care that she was created to compete in the fourteenth Akkadian war until she’s requested by the gods on her sixteenth birthday. The age-old competition between mageians and therians serves two purposes: 1) to stabilize the delicate relationship between the first seven gods and their powerful predecessor, (Wait. If they're the first seven, how can they have predecessors?) and 2) to nourish the four-thousand-year-old hatred between mageians and therians. (This begs the question: Why? Also, you may want to avoid lists in queries.)
Bad blood between the species forces them to live in separate underground cities. Ayla grew up in a city spurred by a rebellion to promote peace and spent her childhood crushing on her best friend Loran—until she meets her training partner, Zalyn. His obvious advances are a far cry from Loran’s big-brother persona and she throws away her unrequited childhood crush.
When the mageian and therian competitors meet for the first time on the first day of the war, Loran stands on the therian side. (Why? Is he a therian? If so, you may want to mention that before now) Although she always knew he’d been created to compete as well (Oh, they're created to compete? It sounded like they were simply chosen), seeing him on the other side makes her feel like she’s watching her parents die again (Huh? Why? Did they fight on opposite sides in such a battle as well? If not, what does that have to do with this, and why would seeing Loran remind her of her parents?). Between her growing feelings for Zalyn’s infectious passion, her forgotten crush for Loran rekindles within his desire to protect her. (Is this suddenly from his POV? When did that happen? Or are you trying to say that he continues to try to protect her despite the fact that they're enemies, and that's what rekindles her feelings for him?)
Ayla doesn’t want to play in this game if she has to lose everyone she loves to win. When the final battle comes, Ayla, Loran, and Zalyn stand alone in the arena. In this death match, only one of them can stay alive: the winner. (But one side has two people. If they're allies, why should they kill one another? This is rather confusing.)
GLORY OR DEATH is a 90,000-word young adult fantasy novel.
Hope this helped,
Fenris
EDIT: If I accidentally repeated someone, sorry!