Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Thanks everyone for being so helpful! Here is what Michael and I have at the moment.
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It’s winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The advancing British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—magical inhabitants of Scotland exiled in ancient times to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answered, but the Scottish leader, the daring and popular Bonnie Prince Charlie, rashly promises the sìdhe a permanent return to Britain if they help his cause and bring the war to a close.
The sìdhe’s magical weapons give the Scots a temporary advantage, but when the English army flees south in terror, some of the sìdhe begin to turn on the Scots, feeding on their flesh, snatching away their children, and riddling the countryside with hidden portals that can whisk passers-by into parallel dimensions. The Scottish population, formerly united in their quest for independence, disintegrates into hostile factions as Britain spirals into chaos, and even talented propaganda writer Ina Bruce cannot smooth over the disaster.
With no way to return the sìdhe to their own world, and or defeat them in a head-on battle, Robert realizes the humans must negotiate with the sidhe or lose all control of Scotland. With the help of Marian Cameron, a young woman with rare psychic abilities, the Scottish leadership attempt to understand the sidhe and live side-by-side in peace. But Marian finds that under beneath seeming friendly intentions, the sìdhe leadership has a sinister agenda: they want to end the war and secure their reward, no matter what the cost to their human allies.

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Does there need to be a "wrap up" paragraph in there as well?

sbs_mjc1 wrote:Thanks everyone for being so helpful! Here is what Michael and I have at the moment.
**
It’s winter, 1745. Scotland is losing a war for independence. The advancing British army has orders to leave no survivors. In desperation, Robert Maxwell and his fellow soldiers beg for supernatural aid from the daione sìdhe—magical inhabitants of Scotland exiled in ancient times to a parallel plane of existence. Their plea is answered, but the Scottish leader, the daring and popular Bonnie Prince Charlie, rashly promises the sìdhe a permanent return to Britain if they help his cause and bring the war to a close.

Just my taste maybe, but I still prefer the original first paragraph you posted compared to this one. I'm not terribly thrown by this, but I'm not sure how necessary it is to mention Prince Charlie.

The sìdhe’s magical weapons give the Scots a temporary advantage, but when the English army flees south in terror, some of the sìdhe begin to turn on the Scots, feeding on their flesh, snatching away their children, and riddling the countryside with hidden portals that can whisk passers-by into parallel dimensions. The Scottish population, formerly united in their quest for independence, disintegrates into hostile factions as Britain spirals into chaos, and even talented propaganda writer Ina Bruce cannot smooth over the disaster.

This works okay for me. But I think someone has to go. Either Prince Charlie or Ina. I still think it's too much to have four characters introduced in a query. Obviously you think it is important that Robert, Ina and Marian all be mentioned, so I'd toss the prince. It's kind of a given, since it's 1745, that he'll be involved.


With no way to return the sìdhe to their own world, and or defeat them in a head-on battle, Robert realizes the humans must negotiate with the sidhe or lose all control of Scotland. With the help of Marian Cameron, a young woman with rare psychic abilities, the Scottish leadership attempt to understand the sidhe and live side-by-side in peace. But Marian finds that under beneath seeming friendly intentions, the sìdhe leadership has a sinister agenda: they want to end the war and secure their reward, no matter what the cost to their human allies.

1) But Marian finds that underneath their seemingly friendly intentions?

2) the sidhe leadership has a sinister agenda: ending the war and securing their reward, no matter the cost to their human allies. -->> Just a suggestion on wording.

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Does there need to be a "wrap up" paragraph in there as well?

I think like Quill said, it's okay to leave things up in the air. You don't want to give away your ending, so I think this will work.

Hopefully some others will give it a read and give you their opinion on whether it needs a wrap up. Personally, I'm okay with it as it is. It's looking good!

Wow - this is much improved from my last read. Great work! Some of the earlier comments said it felt more like a synopsis or summary than a query. I hadn't noticed that before, but they're absolutely right. One suggestion is to focus the query more strongly on your MC - Robert. I took a quick stab at it, using (mostly) the phrases you already have. Also cut it down to 170 words. Hope it helps!

In the winter of 1745, Robert Maxwell is on the losing side of the Scottish war for independence, and the advancing British army has orders to leave no survivors. Determined to turn the tide of battle and save his fellow soldiers, Robert crafts a desperate plea to enlist the supernatural aid of the daione sìdhe—long-exiled faeries. But when a hasty deal brokered by his army’s leader grants the sìdhe permanent and unlimited access to the human world, Robert finds himself fighting a war on two fronts.

While the Scottish population disintegrates into hostile factions and English agents stir up riots across the capital city, the sìdhe begin feeding on Scottish soldiers, snatching children and opening portals to other worlds. They use their magic to manipulate the Scottish leadership, including the charismatic prince

Without a way to return the sìdhe to their own world, Robert turns to Marian Cameron, a teenager with rare psychic abilities, to uncover the sìdhe’s sinister agenda and stop them before his beloved country plunges into chaos.