Sorry to see the Stonehenge part go, as it lent sense and weight to the idea that bloodshed could trigger such a transport.caseygriffin2 wrote:During a high school field trip, a heated argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed. This confrontation transports Kat and four of her classmates to another world.
I'd omit "heated" as redundant to "argument ends in bloodshed".
I liked the version better where you say "this act of violence transports..."
Omit as unneeded and lessening the drama. Also, it is redundant to the actual challenges: "faced with challenges, she must face these challenges:"Faced with challenges greater than mean girls and exams,
I'd say "There they must fight plants that try to eat them..."Kat must fight plants that try to eat her friends, negotiate with dwarves that are neither cute nor friendly,
Otherwise, nice details.
This item doesn't have the same quality as the other two.and dodge wild, bloodthirsty creatures.
1. It is less specific
2. It is awkward: dodging creatures; how about "evade creatures"
3. "Wild" seems a given; are there any tame creatures there?
4. "Bloodthirsty" repeats "blood" from line one, reducing the effectiveness of both placements. How about "carnivorous", although that repeats the plants trying to eat them (they must fight plants that want to eat them, unfriendly dwarves, and animals that want to eat them). See what I mean?
Okay, I'll buy the high school reference here. But how about "...from your average high school hallway between classes" or some such. "Drama" leaves it unclear whether you mean dramatic theatrical production. Is she in the school play?Not all that different from your average high school drama.
Good problem.Except now she must run from enemies who want to know how the teens used a portal,
Omit, as we get this from "enemies" and from the general hostility of the place.and they’re not about to ask kindly.
Good, but not sure about "enlists" which sounds like Kat has the power to sign up (enlist) or employ. I think you want to keep her somewhat helpless and beholden, like "manages to connect with" or some such.to survive in this dangerous new world, Kat enlists the help of a desperate group of rebels.
Good, but I'd omit either "knowledge" or "power" since in this context they mean pretty much the same.The leader assigns a guide to take Kat and her friends to sorcerers who have the knowledge and power to send them back to Earth.
Good.Unfortunately, their guardian comes in the form of a moody and unwilling--albeit unnervingly attractive--warrior named Logan.
Good, but I'd work on the awkward phrase "unlikely group of teens". I don't mind "group" though you just used it to describe the rebels, but I'm disliking "unlikely" as unneeded and "teens" as too informal and vague. How about "collection of allies" or "band of wary allies" or some such.The unlikely group of teens soon find themselves caught in the middle of a dangerous political war between the rebels and the country’s tyrant leader.
I'd omit this. You've already given a nice flavor of the book and enough info to see where it's going.Logan is the teens’ only hope of finding a way back to Earth, but as Kat examines his actions more closely, her trust begins to unravel. However, Logan isn’t the only one with something to hide: Kat discovers her own skeleton hidden in the family closet, one that the enemy will kill her for. While the others can think of nothing but returning home, Kat discovers she may already be home.
Sounds like an interesting story.