Young Adult Fantasy Query

[Quill]

During a high school field trip, a heated argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed. This confrontation transports Kat and four of her classmates to another world.

Sorry to see the Stonehenge part go, as it lent sense and weight to the idea that bloodshed could trigger such a transport.

I'd omit "heated" as redundant to "argument ends in bloodshed".

I liked the version better where you say "this act of violence transports..."

Faced with challenges greater than mean girls and exams,

Omit as unneeded and lessening the drama. Also, it is redundant to the actual challenges: "faced with challenges, she must face these challenges:"

Kat must fight plants that try to eat her friends, negotiate with dwarves that are neither cute nor friendly,

I'd say "There they must fight plants that try to eat them..."

Otherwise, nice details.

and dodge wild, bloodthirsty creatures.

This item doesn't have the same quality as the other two.

1. It is less specific

2. It is awkward: dodging creatures; how about "evade creatures"

3. "Wild" seems a given; are there any tame creatures there?

4. "Bloodthirsty" repeats "blood" from line one, reducing the effectiveness of both placements. How about "carnivorous", although that repeats the plants trying to eat them (they must fight plants that want to eat them, unfriendly dwarves, and animals that want to eat them). See what I mean?

Not all that different from your average high school drama.

Okay, I'll buy the high school reference here. But how about "...from your average high school hallway between classes" or some such. "Drama" leaves it unclear whether you mean dramatic theatrical production. Is she in the school play?

Except now she must run from enemies who want to know how the teens used a portal,

Good problem.

and they’re not about to ask kindly.

Omit, as we get this from "enemies" and from the general hostility of the place.

In order

Omit.

to survive in this dangerous new world, Kat enlists the help of a desperate group of rebels.

Good, but not sure about "enlists" which sounds like Kat has the power to sign up (enlist) or employ. I think you want to keep her somewhat helpless and beholden, like "manages to connect with" or some such.

The leader assigns a guide to take Kat and her friends to sorcerers who have the knowledge and power to send them back to Earth.

Good, but I'd omit either "knowledge" or "power" since in this context they mean pretty much the same.

Unfortunately, their guardian comes in the form of a moody and unwilling--albeit unnervingly attractive--warrior named Logan.

Good.

The unlikely group of teens soon find themselves caught in the middle of a dangerous political war between the rebels and the country’s tyrant leader.

Good, but I'd work on the awkward phrase "unlikely group of teens". I don't mind "group" though you just used it to describe the rebels, but I'm disliking "unlikely" as unneeded and "teens" as too informal and vague. How about "collection of allies" or "band of wary allies" or some such.

Logan is the teens’ only hope of finding a way back to Earth, but as Kat examines his actions more closely, her trust begins to unravel. However, Logan isn’t the only one with something to hide: Kat discovers her own skeleton hidden in the family closet, one that the enemy will kill her for. While the others can think of nothing but returning home, Kat discovers she may already be home.

I'd omit this. You've already given a nice flavor of the book and enough info to see where it's going.

Sounds like an interesting story.

[caseygriffin2]

Okay, so I've got a lot of great feedback lately, but now I'm more lost than ever. Since one little detail led to more questions, more answers and more length, I decided to scrap a lot of it and make it more straight to the point and really make my conflict clear at the beginning. This definitely helped shorten it, but hopefully I didn't get rid of anything important. I still have the character, conflict and solution. I hope this is better.

Dear Agent;

While on a high school field trip, an argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed, an act that transports Kat and four of her classmates to a world called Creos. In order to survive in this dangerous new world and find the sorcerers with the knowledge to send them back to Earth, Kat convinces a desperate group of rebels to help. Unfortunately, her guide comes in the form of a moody and unwilling--albeit unnervingly attractive--warrior named Logan. The lost teens soon find themselves caught in the middle of a dangerous political war between the rebels and the country’s tyrant leader, and as Kat examines Logan’s actions more closely, her trust begins to unravel. However, Logan isn’t the only one with something to hide: Kat discovers her own skeleton hidden in the family closet, one that the country’s leader will kill her for. While the others can think of nothing but returning home, Kat discovers she may already be home.

Personal tidbit. BIRTHRIGHT is a young adult fantasy novel that is completed at (#) words. Please find attached, the synopsis and the first five pages of BIRTHRIGHT below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Me

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[Quill]

Sounds like your emphasizing the love interest and political angle now, rather than the adventure and magical aspects.

Is that what you are going for?

[priya g.]

Dear Agent;

While on a high school field trip, an argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed, an act that transports Kat and four of her classmates to a world called Creos. In order to survive in this dangerous new world and find the sorcerers with the knowledge to send them back to Earth THIS PART IS A BIT TOO CHUNKY- HOW ABOUT EXPLAINING HER REASON TO ESCAPE IS BECAUSE THE WORLD IS DANGEROUS?, Kat convinces a desperate group of rebels to help. Unfortunately, her guide comes in the form of a moody and unwilling--albeit unnervingly attractive--warrior named Logan. The lost teens soon find themselves caught in the middle of a dangerous political war between the rebels and the country’s tyrant leader, and as Kat examines Logan’s actions more closely, her trust begins to unravel. However, Logan isn’t the only one with something to hide: Kat discovers her own skeleton hidden in the family closet, one that the country’s leader will kill her for. While the others can think of nothing but returning home, Kat discovers she may already be home.

Personal tidbit. BIRTHRIGHT is a young adult fantasy novel that is completed at (#) words. Please find attached, the synopsis and the first five pages of BIRTHRIGHT below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Me

Contact Info

this query seems fit to go, just that minor suggestion! congratulations and do tell us how the querying goes!

[caseygriffin2]

Okay, so my last posting didn't go so well. I think I got frustrated with then length and went about it all the wrong way, but I think this is a better attempt.

Dear Agent;

While on a high school field trip, an argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed, an act that transports Kat and four of her classmates to a world called Creos. Faced with challenges greater than your average high school drama, Kat must fight plants that try to eat her friends, negotiate with dwarves that are neither cute nor friendly, and dodge mutant boar mercenaries.

In order to survive in this dangerous new world and find the sorcerers who can send them back to Earth, Kat convinces a desperate group of rebels to help. Unfortunately, her guide comes in the form of a moody and unwilling--albeit unnervingly attractive--warrior named Logan.

The lost teens soon find themselves caught in the middle of a dangerous political war between the rebels and the country’s tyrant leader, and as Kat examines Logan’s actions more closely, her trust begins to unravel. However, Logan isn’t the only one with something to hide: Kat discovers her own skeleton hidden in the family closet, one that the country’s leader will kill her for. While the others can think of nothing but returning home, Kat discovers she may already be home.

Personal tidbit. BIRTHRIGHT is a young adult fantasy novel that is completed at (soon to be less) words. Please find attached, the synopsis and the first five pages of BIRTHRIGHT below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Me

Contact Info

[priya g.]

Dear Agent;

While on a high school field trip, an argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed, an act that transports Kat and four of her classmates to a world called Creos SO THIS IMPLIES BLOODSHED IT THE METHOD OF ENTERING CREOS, RIGHT?. Faced with challenges greater than your average high school drama, THIS LAST BIT OF AVERAGE HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA IS AN OVERUSED BIT, KIND OF LIKE A CLICHE NOW. I WOULD REMOVE IT Kat must fight plants that try to eat her friends, negotiate with dwarves that are neither cute nor friendly, and dodge mutant boar mercenaries.

In order to survive in this dangerous new world and find the sorcerers who can send them back to Earth, Kat convinces a desperate group of rebels REBELS OF WHAT? to help. Unfortunately, her guide comes in the form of a moody and unwilling--albeit unnervingly attractive--warrior named Logan.

The lost teens soon find themselves caught in the middle of a dangerous political war between the rebels and the country’s tyrant leader, and as Kat examines Logan’s actions more closely, her trust begins to unravel. However, Logan isn’t the only one with something to hide: Kat discovers her own skeleton hidden in the family closet, one that the country’s leader will kill her for I AM A BIT LOST- WHY DOES THE COUNTRY LEADER WANT TO KILL HER? AND IF HE KILLS THE BODY- WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES?. While the others can think of nothing but returning home, Kat discovers she may already be home.

Personal tidbit. BIRTHRIGHT is a young adult fantasy novel that is completed at (soon to be less) words. Please find attached, the synopsis and the first five pages of BIRTHRIGHT below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Me

Contact Info

This is definitely an improved version of your work. despair not, your query keeps getting better with each draft.

[caseygriffin2]

Thanks priya g. I tried to answer all of your concerns. Maybe I made it worse, maybe not. The only thing I didn't really want to change (and tell me if I'm way off base here) is why the country's leader would kill Kat. I know your not supposed to be vague in a query letter, but revealing why she would be killed would kind of destroy the whole final hook of the query letter and be a giant spoiler for the whole book. I wasn't sure it was really necessary to explain, but if you feel it does need explaining, then should I just delete that line, or keep it because it makes the stakes a little higher? Here goes:

Dear Agent;

While on a high school field trip, an argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed, the result of which transports Kat and four of her classmates to a world called Creos. Now Kat must fight plants that try to eat her friends, negotiate with dwarves that are neither cute nor friendly, and dodge mutant boar mercenaries.

In order to survive in this dangerous new world and find the sorcerers who can send them back to Earth, Kat convinces a desperate group of rebels to help. Unfortunately, her guide comes in the form of a moody and unwilling--albeit unnervingly attractive--warrior named Logan, who would rather be uprising against the country’s tyrant leader than escorting a bunch of kids.

The lost teens soon find themselves caught in the middle of a dangerous political war, and as Kat examines Logan’s actions more closely, her trust begins to unravel. However, Logan isn’t the only one with something to hide: Kat discovers her own skeleton hidden in the family closet, one that the country’s leader will kill her for. While the others can think of nothing but returning home, Kat discovers she may already be home.

Personal tidbit. BIRTHRIGHT is a young adult fantasy novel that is completed at (soon to be less) words. Please find attached, the synopsis and the first five pages of BIRTHRIGHT below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Me

Contact Info

[SarahB]

First of all, your query has improved quite a bit in the last few iterations, so good job. :)

The only thing I didn't really want to change (and tell me if I'm way off base here) is why the country's leader would kill Kat. I know your not supposed to be vague in a query letter, but revealing why she would be killed would kind of destroy the whole final hook of the query letter and be a giant spoiler for the whole book.

Well, based on the query letter and the title of the book, my first guess would be that Kat is the long-lost heir to the throne... I'm sure it's probably something else, but that's the inference I first made, without knowing that you were deliberately holding any information back. Given that long-lost heir stories are quite common, if it's something different, you may want to either just say who she really is or cut this out of your query altogether. (The agent is going to find out anyway if s/he goes on to read the synopsis, so you may as well make the query as interesting as you can.)

What's Kat's reaction to discovering she may already be home? Is that the end of the novel, or does it create new conflict for her? If the latter, I would add a sentence summarizing said conflict... struggle and drama is a more compelling ending hook than "and then she came home."

Dear Agent;

While on a high school field trip, an argument between Kat and her ex-friend ends in accidental bloodshed, the result of which triggering magic that transports Kat and four of her classmates to a world called Creos. Now Kat must fight plants that try to eat her friends, negotiate with dwarves that are neither cute nor friendly, and dodge mutant boar mercenaries.

In order to survive in this dangerous new world and find the sorcerers who can send them back to Earth, Kat convinces a desperate group of rebels to help. (why are they desperate? "impoverished" or "fugitive," perhaps?) Unfortunately, her guide the rebels' aid comes in the form of a moody and unwilling--albeit unnervingly attractive--warrior named Logan, who would rather be uprising rising up against the country’styrantleader (insert tyrant's name) than escorting a bunch of kids.

The lost teens soon find themselves caught in the middle of a dangerous political war (redundant), and as Kat examines Logan’s actions more closely (vague, what does he do?), her trust in him begins to unravel. However, Logan isn’t the only one with something to hide: Kat discovers her own skeleton hidden in the family closet (cliche), one that the country’s leader (tyrant's name) will kill her for. While the others can think of nothing but returning home, Kat discovers she may already be home.

Personal tidbit. BIRTHRIGHT is a young adult fantasy novel that is completed at (soon to be less) words. Please find attached, tThe synopsis and the first five pages of BIRTHRIGHT are attached below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Me

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