I can see the stakes hidden in there, but I really want them to jump up and smack me in the face. Make it heavier and clearer. You can do it!androidblues wrote:Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. :)
After her father, the Emperor, is murdered by his most trusted adviser, Jin flees the Empire of Sol. She travels north to seek aid and convince the King of Tze to take action against the usurper. The coward ridicules her plans. :)
Jin then travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She offers them land within her empire, but she is laughed out of their tribal meeting because of her age. :)
When Jin is about to give up, Ishmael, a scribe, tells her of a magical staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most terrifying ruler in history. He used the power of the staff to conquer the minds of his opponents. I think my issue with this is that it doesn't tell us what Jin plans on doing with the staff. I mean, it seems obvious, but another sentence wouldn't go amiss. Maybe, "He used the power of the staff to conquer the minds of his opponents, and Jin is going to use it to make her father's murderer eat poop." Or what not.
In exchange for the treasure hidden in the palace, Jin convinces Ishmael and his friends to join her to help her search for it. Yet the journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. Carnivorous sand creatures lurk inside every dune, and they must dodge a group of shaman that offer to escort them to the palace of the Dragon King - in exchange for their souls.
When their water supply runs out, they must decide to turn back or continue on. But there is no return for Jin, not when the King of Tze informed the Emperor murderer of her plans to overthrow him. She hopes that obtaining the staff will give her a chance for revenge, though she risks sacrificing the lives of her companions. But if they turn back an elite army is waiting to kill her. My issue with this paragraph is the first clause in the second sentence. If there's no return for Jin, then it's not a decision at all. She's going on. So...reword? Or make a bigger deal out of her getting abandoned by the others? Or something? I dunno.
QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
And don't forget your commas. :)