Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

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androidblues
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Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by androidblues » October 10th, 2010, 12:29 am

I know I've already posted a query but I like writing them and I have a lot of stuff written. Thanks in advance and rip it apart. I can take it :D
-

Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. 

Jin was banished from her homeland after finding out the truth about the death of her father. She traveled north to seek aid, and an army to reap her revenge.

After her plans of domination are thrown aside by the Northern Empire, Jin travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously. Ishmael tells her of a staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King. This staff allows the holder to conquer the minds of their opponents and is hidden near an oasis.

Their journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, murderous thieves that want more than supplies, and a group of shady shaman that offer to protect and escort them to the palace of the Dragon King, the location of the staff, in exchange for her soul.

But when their water supply runs out, days before their arrival, Jin is faced with the decision to turn back or continue on. She knows that the staff will allow her to seek revenge on her homeland, but she doesn't want to risk their lives.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr. 
http://www.thebooklantern.com

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by priya g. » October 10th, 2010, 10:04 am

androidblues wrote:I know I've already posted a query but I like writing them and I have a lot of stuff written. Thanks in advance and rip it apart. I can take it :D
-

Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world PERFECT BEGINNING!. She just needs an army. 

Jin was banished from her homeland after finding out the truth about the death of her father. She traveled north to seek aid, and an army to reap her revenge WHAT TRUTH? SHE IS 13, SO WILL SOMEONE LISTEN TO HER?.

After her plans of domination are thrown aside by the Northern Empire, Jin travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously YUP PERFECT INSERTION. Ishmael tells her of a staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King. This staff allows the holder to conquer the minds of their opponents and is hidden near an oasis HMMM THE LAST SENTENCE SEEMS TO BRING IN TOO MUCH DETAIL. HOW ABOUT LEAVING IT TO 'DEEP IN THE DESERT'?.

Their journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, murderous thieves that want more than supplies, and a group of shady shaman that offer to protect and escort them to the palace of the Dragon King, the location of the staff REPETITION?, in exchange for her soul THE SENTENCE SEEMS CHUNKY- ARE THE MURDEROUS THIEVES IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO MENTION?.

But when their water supply runs out, days before their arrival, Jin is faced with the decision to turn back or continue on SO SHE HAS REACHED CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE DESTINATION OR IS SHE CLOSER HOME THAT SHE CAN TURN BACK?. She knows that the staff will allow her to seek revenge on her homeland, but she doesn't want to risk their lives WHOSE LIVES?.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr. 
I am definitely intrigued!

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by notw » October 10th, 2010, 1:04 pm

androidblues wrote:I know I've already posted a query but I like writing them and I have a lot of stuff written. Thanks in advance and rip it apart. I can take it :D
-

Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. I like this opening.

Jin was banished from her homeland after finding out the truth about the death of her father. I might consider going into more detail here so the reader is more involved. She traveled north to seek aid, and an army to reap her revenge. I might consider getting rid of this.

After her plans of domination are thrown aside by the Northern Empire, Jin travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously. Ishmael tells her of a staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King. Why is he important? This staff allows the holder to conquer the minds of their opponents and is hidden near an oasis.

Their journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, murderous thieves that want more than supplies, and a group of shady shaman that offer to protect and escort them to the palace of the Dragon King, the location of the staff, in exchange for her soul.

But when their water supply runs out, days before their arrival, Jin is faced with the decision to turn back or continue on. She knows that the staff will allow her to seek revenge on her homeland, but she doesn't want to risk their lives.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr. 
One question I have is, why does Jin think she could get people to join an army when she is only 13? I definitely think adding more detail about her father's death might help, but that is just my own personal opinion. :) I think this story sounds interesting. Good luck!

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by androidblues » October 10th, 2010, 2:08 pm

Thanks for the help priya and notw. Here's version 2.

~

Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army.

Jin was banished from her homeland after she discovered that her father was murdered by his most trusted adviser. She then traveled north to seek aid, hoping to convince the emperor to take action against the usurper.

When her plans of domination are thrown aside by the emperor, Jin travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She believes that offering them land will convince them to join her.

She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously. Ishmael tells her of a staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most powerful ruler in history. This staff gave him the power to conquer the minds of his opponents.

The journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, and a group of shady shaman that offer to escort her to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for her soul.

But when their water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, Jin is faced with the decision to turn back or continue on. The staff will allow her to seek revenge on her homeland, but she doesn't want to risk the lives of her companions.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
http://www.thebooklantern.com

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by notw » October 10th, 2010, 4:01 pm

androidblues wrote:Thanks for the help priya and notw. Here's version 2.

~

Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army.

Jin was banished from her homeland after she discovered that her father was murdered by his most trusted adviser. She then traveled north to seek aid, hoping to convince the emperor to take action against the usurper.

When her plans of domination are thrown aside by the emperor, Jin travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She believes that offering them land will convince them to join her.

She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously. Ishmael tells her of a staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most powerful ruler in history. This staff gave him the power to conquer the minds of his opponents.

The journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, and a group of shady shaman that offer to escort her to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for her soul.

But when their water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, Jin is faced with the decision to turn back or continue on. The staff will allow her to seek revenge on her homeland, but she doesn't want to risk the lives of her companions.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
I like this version! The only thing that read awkward to me was "..with he staff narer than home..." but that may just be how I read it.

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by Severus Lawliet » October 10th, 2010, 4:50 pm

Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army.Awesome line!

Jin was banished from her homeland after she discovered that her father was murdered by his most trusted adviser. She then traveled north to seek aid, hoping to convince the emperor to take action against the usurper.How come the emperor of the north would care about the problems of the south?


When her plans of domination are thrown aside by the emperor, Jin travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She believes that offering them land will convince them to join her.She has land to offer?


She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously. Ishmael tells her of a staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most powerful ruler in history. This staff gave him the power to conquer the minds of his opponents.

The journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, and a group of shady shaman that offer to escort her to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for her soul.

But when their water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, Jin is faced with the decision to turn back or continue on. The staff will allow her to seek revenge on her homeland, but she doesn't want to risk the lives of her companions.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.

I like this. There's an interesting plot, no plotholes. Just a few things would make it perfect to me. But it is your query after all, you probably know what's best. Good job, if I were an agent I'd probably request pages.
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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by BAL » October 11th, 2010, 11:17 am

androidblues wrote:
~

Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. -This is fantastic, great hook.

Jin was banished from her homeland after she discovered that her father was murdered by his most trusted adviser. She then traveled north to seek aid, hoping to convince the emperor to take action against the usurper.

When her plans of domination are thrown aside by the emperor, Jin travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She believes that offering them land will convince them to join her.

She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously. Ishmael tells her of a staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most powerful ruler in history. This staff gave him the power to conquer the minds of his opponents.

The journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, and a group of shady shaman that offer to escort her to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for her soul.

But when their water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, Jin is faced with the decision to turn back or continue on. The staff will allow her to seek revenge on her homeland, but she doesn't want to risk the lives of her companions. -I think I would make this last part a little more mysterious. Example 'The staff will allow her to seek revenge on her homeland but can she risk the lives of her companions for her own needs?' Or something like that.


QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
I think this is a good story, you seem to have everything you need. I hope I've helped a little. Good luck.:)

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by katbrauer » October 13th, 2010, 9:49 am

androidblues wrote: Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. Full of awesome.

After she discovered that her father was murdered by his most trusted adviser, the man Jin banishes her from her homeland. She then traveled north to seek aid, hoping to convince the emperor to take action against the usurper. Wait, what? Who is her father to the Emperor? A vassal? A governor? And why would the trusted advisor banish her instead of just killing her outright? I think you could introduce this in a snappier way.

When her plans of domination are thrown aside by the emperor Wha-huh? Of course an Emperor won't want her dominating things! This makes no sense to me., Jin travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She believes thatoffers them land, will to convince them to join her.

She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously. Ishmael tells her of a staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most powerful ruler in history. This staff gave him the power to conquer the minds of his opponents. Woah, this is going all over the place. I'm really confused about your plot right now. First she's banished, then she sees an Emperor, then there's a staff, then whaaaat?

The journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, and a group of shady shaman that offer to escort her to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for her soul. This is good.

But when their water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, Jin is faced with the decision must decide to turn back or continue on find the staff. The staff will allow her to seek revenge on her homeland, but she doesn't want to risk the lives of her companions. If she possesses the Dragon Staff, then vengeance will be hers. But getting it might just be a death sentence to the only people believe in her. Hmm... this is supposed to be your hook but it's not very hook-y to me. I tried my best, but I don't think my idea is much better, play around with it.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
I think you need to streamline the first several paragraphs more. Right now, they're reading more like a synopsis than a back-jacket blurb. It's also confusing. At first I think the book's going to be about getting the Emperor's help, but then no... it's about getting the nomads. Then "no" on that, too, it's a quest to get a Magical Item. Personally, I think you could skip over the Emperor and the nomad paragraph with a simple sentence (and this is gonna be bad, but...:

When her requests for troops is laughed out of the Emperor's court, and she fails to grasp the concept of the dangerous desert nomads, she finds hope for revenge in Ishmael: a scribe who tells her about a magical staff, the Dragon Staff, that can conquer the minds of any enemy. Jin wants that staff. Bad.

Hm. Yeah. Condense. Make it clear what the majority of the book is composed of by the end of the second paragraph.

But that first line is fantastic! It's like a giant tease. Tells me a lot about Jin and her character.
:) Kat
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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by androidblues » October 13th, 2010, 1:27 pm

Thanks for the advice katbrauer. I would condense, but I like the detail and I want to keep it since I have only used 266 words. However I do thank you for helping me re-word some things so that they make more sense.

~

Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army.

After discovering that her father, the Emperor of Sol, was murdered by his most trusted adviser, Jin was banished from her homeland. She traveled north to seek aid, hoping to convince the King of Tze to take action against the usurper. He instead ridiculed her plans.

Jin then travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs and their desire for fertile land. She offers them a stake in her homeland if they join her, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously.

Jin is about to give up, but then Ishmael tells her of a magical staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most powerful ruler in history. This staff gave him the power to conquer the minds of his opponents.

The journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, and a group of shady shaman that offer to escort her to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for her soul.

But when their water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, Jin must decide to turn back or continue their journey. If she obtains the staff, she will have her vengeance. But getting it might mean death for the only people that believe in her.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
http://www.thebooklantern.com

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

In the real word as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems.

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by robyn » October 13th, 2010, 3:55 pm

GAH! I have joined this too late. Your query is hitting on EXCELLENT. How'd ya get so good at this and I stink so bad at it? UGH :) I really love your hook. I have been telling folks all day they need better hooks. They just need to read your first sentence and they can taste what I mean. I wish I was an agent. I'd be requesting a full right about now. I read all your other drafts and you have made it so much better.


Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army.

After discovering that her father, the Emperor of Sol, was murdered by his most trusted adviser, Jin was banished from her homeland. She traveled north to seek aid, hoping to convince the King of Tze to take action against the usurper. He instead ridiculed her plans.

Jin then travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs and their desire for fertile land. She offers them a stake in her homeland if they join her, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously.

Jin is about to give up, but then Ishmael tells her of a magical staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most powerful ruler in history. This staff gave him the power to conquer the minds of his opponents.

The journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, and a group of shady shaman that offer to escort her to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for her soul. Just curious, does she go by herself? Or does Ishmael go with her? It reads like both. Maybe change that and that is all. Super job. :) Good luck!

But when their water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, Jin must decide to turn back or continue their journey. If she obtains the staff, she will have her vengeance. But getting it might mean death for the only people that believe in her.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by Thermocline » October 13th, 2010, 3:58 pm

This version is a nice improvement. I like that you added details like, "Emperor of Sol," "traveled north, "and "King of Tze." They helped ground me. When I read your previous versions, I was wondering in which world/time period this took place.
androidblues wrote:Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. Cool opening.

After discovering that her father, the Emperor of Sol, was murdered by his most trusted adviser, Jin was banished from her homeland. I like the idea of this sentence because it sets up the protagonist, antagonist, and the conflict. I just wonder if it might be more effective in present tense. Something along the lines of, "Jin flees the kingdom of Sol after her father, the Emperor, is murdered by his most trusted adviser. She travelsed north to seek aid, hoping to and convince the King of Tze to take action against the usurper. He instead ridiculed her plans. You have an opportunity here to show us what she thinks of the King and his decision. Take it. "The coward ridicules her plans."

Jin then travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She befriends a scribe, named Ishmael, who tells her of their customs and their desire for fertile land. This sentence interrupts the flow here - she wants to rally the tribes, she talks to one guy, then she's back to rallying the tribes. I think you could cut this to help the flow and it's probably safe to assume that, since she mentions offering a homeland in the next sentence, she figures out that nomads might want a homeland. She offers them a stake in her homeland "Stake in her homeland is a little awkward. Consider something like, "She offers them a homeland within her kingdom" if they join her, but because of her age she isn't taken seriously. She's laughed at? Thrown out? Considered to be crazy? Is there something more specific you could tell us here?

Jin is about to give up, but then Ishmael, a scribe, tells her of a magical staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most powerful Powerful in what way? Is there a better descriptor you could use here (especially since you use 'power' in the next sentence)? Feared? Terrifying? Deadly? ruler in history. This staff gave him the power to conquer the minds of his opponents.

The journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, and a group of shady Consider another word. I was wondering why guys looked shadowy in a desert, where there isn't much shade. I know that's not how you meant it, but that's what came to mind. Also, shady is a very modern term and doesn't fit as well with the story you're telling. shaman that offer to escort her to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for her soul.

But when their Who are 'they?' Jin and the shaman? If he's shady, I don't really care if his water runs out. water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, Jin must decide to turn back or continue their journey. If she obtains the staff, she will have her vengeance. But getting it might mean death for the only people that believe in her. Who are the people that believe in her?

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
You've got a great start to your query. It opens with a clear description of the main character and the conflict. I think your last paragraph needs to be expanded a little. By that I mean that her decision whether or not to turn back isn't the main conflict. Sure she'd be banished, but she could be just fine starting over with a new life. Nothing really bad happens if she turns back.

The real question, it seems to me (and hey, I haven't read your book, so I may be waaaay off here), is how she decides between two impossible scenarios. For example, either she probably dies getting to the staff (and maybe loses her soul even if she gets it) or she goes back and faces X. I don't know what X is. Maybe the usurper found out she's trying to overthrow him and is sending his army after him. Maybe the shaman will kill her if she doesn't reach the staff. Whatever X is, it needs to be bad. Right now she's a 13 year old girl in the middle of a desert without any water and I'm wondering, "why not just go back, restock, and try this again in a few days?"

I hope my comments help. Your story sounds really interesting. I'm guessing you already know what X is. Just show us that in a way that makes us have to read the book to find out what happens.

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by androidblues » October 13th, 2010, 6:20 pm

Thanks for your feedback Robyn. And Thermocline, you're awesome. Sure you aren't a mind reader, because you have some pretty good guesses about my story. Here's for a revision.
_



Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army.

Jin flees the Empire of Sol after her father, the Emperor, is murdered by his most trusted adviser. She travels north to seek aid and to convince the King of Tze to take action against the usurper. The coward instead ridicules her plans.

Jin then travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She offers them land within her empire, but because of her age she is laughed at.

Jin is about to give up, but then Ishmael, a scribe, tells her of a magical staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most terrifying ruler in history. This staff gave him the power to conquer the minds of his opponents.

Jin convinces Ishmael and his friends to join her, in exchange for the treasure hidden in the palace. Yet the journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creature inside every dune and a group of questionable shaman that offer to escort them to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for their souls.

When their water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, they must decide to turn back or continue their journey. But there is no return for Jin, not when the King of Tze told the Emperor of her plans to overthrow him. If she obtains the staff, she will have her vengeance, though she risks sacrificing the lives of her companions. But if they turn back an elite army is waiting to kill her.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
http://www.thebooklantern.com

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

In the real word as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems.

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by Thermocline » October 14th, 2010, 4:48 pm

androidblues wrote:Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army.

Jin flees the Empire of Sol after her father, the Emperor, is murdered by his most trusted adviser. She travels north to seek aid and to convince the King of Tze to take action against the usurper. The coward instead ridicules her plans. Removing "instead" makes this line read more like it's coming right from Jin.

Jin then travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She offers them land within her empire, but because of her age she is laughed at. Reword so you don't end on a preposition. ... but she is laughed at because of her age.

Jin is about to give up, but then Ishmael, a scribe, tells her of a magical staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most terrifying ruler in history. This staff gave him the power You could make this more active by doing something like, "He used the power of the staff to conquer the minds of his opponents.

Jin convinces Ishmael and his friends to join her, in exchange for the treasure hidden in the palace. Good explanation here. Yet the journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures lurk inside every dune and a group of questionable shaman that offer to escort them to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for their souls.

When their water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, they must decide to turn back or continue their journey. [color=#0000FF"They must decide" takes the focus off the decisions Jin must make. Jin is dying of thirst. Jin is responsible for losing members of their group. Jin knows she's hated by the shamen. Etc. What is she going to do about it?[/color]But there is no return for Jin, not when the King of Tze told the Emperor of her plans to overthrow him. If she obtains the staff, she will have her vengeance, Raise the stakes even more. Right now the book could end when Jin gets the staff. What if the power of the staff is a fable? What if she can't wield the power? What if the shamen steal if from her? What if she's killed in battle? Don't let us know that her vengeance is certain if she makes it to the staff. though she risks sacrificing the lives of her companions. But if they turn back an elite army is waiting to kill her.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
You're getting really close here. A few more tweaks and you'll nail it. Keep things in the present tense as you go through it. You've still got some things set in the past.

Also, your first four paragraphs start with "Jin." Try to mix up the word order a little.

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Re: Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by katbrauer » October 15th, 2010, 5:31 am

I agree with Thermocline, mix up your sentence structure. Otherwise, this is already much better than before! HUZZAH.
androidblues wrote: Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army. Still so fab.

Jin flees the Empire of Sol after her father, the Emperor, is murdered by his most trusted adviser. She travels north to seek aid and to convince the King of Tze to take action against the usurper. The coward instead ridicules her plans. Great voice here.

Jin then travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She offers them land within her empire, but because of her age, she is laughed at out of the _______ (meeting? counsel? what?).

Jin is about to give up, but Then Ishmael, a scribe, tells her of a magical staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most terrifying ruler in history. This staff gave him has the power to conquer the minds of his one's opponents. I think you're paragraphs can be lumped together. Do not be afraid if the subjects are not too far apart!Jin convinces Ishmael and his friends to join her, in exchange for the treasure hidden in the palace aside the staff. Yet the journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. There are carnivorous sand creatures inside every dune, and a group of questionable shamans that offer to escort them to the palace of the Dragon King, in exchange for their souls. I assume they don't accept? This seems really odd to include because you don't tell us how Jin & co. react. Maybe change the verb to "dodge" or "fight" or some other type of action.

When their water supply runs out, with the staff nearer than home, they hesitant allies must decide to turn back or continue their journey. But there is no return for Jin, not when the King of Tze told the Emperor of her plans to overthrow him. If she obtains the staff, she will have her vengeance, though she risks sacrificing the lives of her companions. But if they turn back an elite army is waiting to will kill her. There's something about this that still isn't...I hate this word, but snappy enough. Keep playing around, try to change verbs and adjectives where you can to make them stronger.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
Keep going at it! It's gonna be awesome.
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androidblues
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Another Revision Queen of Heaven - YA Fantasy Query

Post by androidblues » October 18th, 2010, 3:27 pm

Thanks for all the help thermocline and katbraeur. I tried to integrate both of your suggestions into the query.

Thirteen year old Jin wants to conquer the world. She just needs an army.

After her father, the Emperor, is murdered by his most trusted adviser, Jin flees the Empire of Sol. She travels north to seek aid and convince the King of Tze to take action against the usurper. The coward ridicules her plans.

Jin then travels to the Western Desert to rally the nomad tribes to her cause. She offers them land within her empire, but she is laughed out of their tribal meeting because of her age.

When Jin is about to give up, Ishmael, a scribe, tells her of a magical staff hidden deep in the desert that once belonged to the Dragon King, the most terrifying ruler in history. He used the power of the staff to conquer the minds of his opponents.

Jin convinces Ishmael and his friends to join her, in exchange for the treasure hidden in the palace. Yet the journey into the desert is more difficult than Jin predicts. Carnivorous sand creatures lurk inside every dune and they must dodge a group of shaman that offer to escort them to the palace of the Dragon King - in exchange for their souls.

When their water supply runs out they must decide to turn back or continue on. But there is no return for Jin, not when the King of Tze informed the Emperor of her plans to overthrow him. She hopes that obtaining the staff will give her a chance for revenge, though she risks sacrificing the lives of her companions. But if they turn back an elite army is waiting to kill her.

QUEEN OF HEAVEN is a 60,000 word YA fantasy novel that will appeal to readers of Melissa Marr.
http://www.thebooklantern.com

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