AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

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Natasha
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AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by Natasha » October 8th, 2010, 12:44 pm

Okay so I need your guys' help. I'm a big fail when it comes to this query bit. I received query help once before (not on this forum) but out of maybe like 5 people 4 out of 5 had different ideas on what was wrong with my query so it threw me off. SO here it goes. Thanks for your time..now off to reading and critiquing the other queries. Thanks guys!!
He comes from a place where the walls are painted with innocent screams by the people who murdered them—and Sharlet Gales? Well, she loves him.

Captivated by his horrors, dangers and concrete heart that no love could permeate through, Sharlet was no longer the seventeen-year-old college sophomore, whose life would forever be disrupted by routine, practicality and predictability. Her life is chaotic—the way she wants it.

Imprisoned by love and isolated from reality, he spins her world upside down with magic, unforeseen passions and supernatural dates. No literally—the trees hung down from the sky as they walked on top of the stars.

One day, things go terribly wrong. The dark secrets that he has kept from her that link him to the weird things going on in the city, start to unravel. The kidnappings of young boys and the concentration camps being used to breed the Anti-Christ are only some of the secrets—And Sharlet doesn’t even know half of it.

Sharlet soon realizes that she has bit off more than she can chew with this bad boy, when she is stuck in Hell and in the middle of a war between angels, demons and mythological creatures. The thing is, Sharlet wants to spend the rest of her life with him but is plagued by moral responsibility. Sharlet’s problem? Love might not actually be enough for him to change.

AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words, that looks at old universal and biblical issues from a unique angle and has a new and innovative take on myth and legend.

Thank you for your consideration.

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by androidblues » October 8th, 2010, 4:01 pm

This is kind of confusing. I would get to the point quicker, at least in the second paragraph, and end with a hook in that paragraph as well. I have no sense of the plot or the conflict. You should try the three paragraph query formula.

1st Paragraph - Introducing the Character

2nd Paragraph - Introducing the Problem, Antagonist and the Choices

3rd Paragraph - Introducing the Conflict and the Point of Rising Action
http://www.thebooklantern.com

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

In the real word as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems.

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by priya g. » October 8th, 2010, 5:10 pm

I aint a pro at this art, but here are my small suggestions, in capital letters, inserted in your paragraph:

He comes from a place where the walls are painted with innocent screams by the people who murdered them VIVID, BUT A BIT TOO HEAVY TO BEGIN WITH—and Sharlet Gales? Well, she loves him IN THE FIRST SENTENCE ITSELF I WANT TO KNOW WHO THE MAIN CHARACTER IS- SHARLET OR 'HIM?'.

Captivated by his horrors, dangers and concrete heart that no love could permeate through, Sharlet was no longer the seventeen-year-old college sophomore, whose life would forever be disrupted by routine, practicality and predictability OVERLOAD- CHOP IT DOWN. Her life is chaotic—the way she wants it NOW I AM THINKING SHARLOT IS A COMPLEX AND A BIT... ERR TWISTED CHARACTER. IS THAT THE PICTURE YOU WANT TO CREATE FOR HER?.

Imprisoned by love and isolated from reality, he spins her world upside down with magic, unforeseen passions I AM A BIT LOST WITH THE MEANING OF 'UNFORSEEN PASSIONS' and supernatural dates. No literally—the trees hung down from the sky as they walked on top of the stars GOOD EXAMPLE, BUT NOW I AM WONDERING IF WE ARE TALKING ABOUT EARTH AND THIS ERA; TILL NOW THE SETTING HAS BEEN VAGUE.

One day, things go terribly wrong. The dark secrets that he has kept from her that link him to the weird things going on in the city, start to unravel. The kidnappings of young boys and the concentration camps being used to breed the Anti-Christ are only some of the secrets—And Sharlet doesn’t even know half of it I DIDNT KNOW UPTIL NOW THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG IN THE CITY. HOW ABOUT YOU MENTION THIS SOMEWHERE EARLIER SO THAT IT LINKS UP?.

Sharlet soon realizes that she has bit off more than she can chew with this bad boy I WANT TO KNOW HIS NAME NOW, when she is stuck in Hell OKAY SO YOU JUMPED PART OF THE STORY TO GET TO THE MAIN PLOT BUT NOW I AM LOST. I WOULD LIKE A BIT OF BACKGROUND AS TO HOW SHE LANDED THERE and in the middle of a war between angels, demons and mythological creatures ARENT ANGELS AND DEMONS MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURES IN ONE CONTEXT? SUM UP THE CREATURES A BIT MORE CLEARLY. The thing is, Sharlet wants to spend the rest of her life with him but is plagued by moral responsibility WORDING RUINS THE SENTENCE. Sharlet’s problem? Love might not actually be enough for him to change GOOD- CATCHY.

AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words, that looks at old universal and biblical issues from a unique angle and has a new and innovative take on myth and legend. FROM WHAT I HAVE READ OF OTHER CRITIQUES, IT IS USUALLY BEST TO LEAVE THE DETAILS TO NAME, GENRE, AND WORD COUNT. THE AGENT SHOULD GET A CHANCE TO DECIDE FOR HIMSELF ABOUT THE BOOK'S VIEW.

Thank you for your consideration

the good points:
1. the characters come out strong, eventually
2. there is a defined plot that i can follow
your query can be tweaked and made better. I personally believe that this piece would work good as a blurb as the approach is a bit too mysterious for a query. Waiting for draft 2 already!

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by Natasha » October 9th, 2010, 12:29 pm

^^
Thank you guys so much for your help. I really appreciate you taking time to look at my query. It needed so much help.
Update: This wonderful girl named Kimmy, helped me construct a query (that is way better) from looking at a brief-synopsis I wrote up for my book.This is the result of that. What do you guys think I need to add/change from here? Thank you so much for your help.

Dear Agent,

Seventeen year old Sharlet Gales has it all. Her problem? She doesn't want it all. Her too perfect life is boring the hell out of her, and Kalav Devilson is just the thing she needs to add some excitement. If she knew he was the son of the Devil, though, she might have reconsidered.

When Sharlet meets Kalav, she wants to be his friend. He resists because he knows his presence in her life will put her in danger. But Sharlet doesn't care and before they know it, they fall in love. He admits he doesn't want to be evil and promises to change, but Sharlet learns he is still carrying out his father's agenda behind her back. Satan doesn't like the changes Sharlet is trying to push on Kalav and kidnaps him, hoping to lure her into Hell so he can dispose of her. Sharlet really needs Kalav to change and believes he can rise above his birthright, because if he doesn't, she'll be a prisoner of hell for eternity--and the world will be taken over by the anti-christ.

AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words. It looks at old universal and biblical issues from a unique angle and has a new and innovative take on myth and legend.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by wilderness » October 11th, 2010, 2:59 pm

Hi Natasha,

Your friend did a great job helping you. I understand the plot a lot better from the second version. Still, there is a lot of telling not showing here, and extraneous verbiage that can be better used by giving us specifics.
Natasha wrote: Dear Agent,

Seventeen-year-old
Sharlet Gales has it all. Her problem? She doesn't want it all. Her too perfect life is boring the hell out of her, and Kalav Devilson is just the thing she needs to add some excitement. If she knew he was the son of the Devil, though, she might have reconsidered. This is a good hook, but I would get to it faster. Consider:

Seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales is dating the son of the devil. Talk about an attraction to a bad boy!


When Sharlet meets Kalav Devilson, she wants to be his friend. How does she meet him? When does she learn that he is the son of the devil?

He resists because he knows his presence in her life will put her in danger. But Sharlet doesn't care and before they know it, they fall in love. He admits he doesn't want to be evil and promises to change, but Sharlet learns he is still carrying out his father's agenda behind her back. This is all telling and not showing. What makes them fall in love? How does she find out he's carrying out his father's agenda?

Satan doesn't like the changes Sharlet is trying to push on Kalav and kidnaps him, hoping to lure her into Hell so he can dispose of her. Sharletreally needs Kalav to change and(obvious) believes he can rise above his birthright. because The because connection didn't make sense -- she believes he he can rise above his birthright because she thinks he's a good person and he loves her. If he doesn't, she'll be a prisoner of hell for eternity--and the world will be taken over by the anti-christ. Nice high stakes, but I think it would be good to make Sharlet more active. How is she going to help Kalav defy his father?

AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words. It looks at old universal and biblical issues from a unique angle and has a new and innovative take on myth and legend This should be shown above in your pitch, not simply stated here.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you. This is usually advised against because it seems presumptuous. I know, very nitpicky, but many agents mention it on their blogs.

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by Natasha » October 11th, 2010, 3:14 pm

^^ Thank you so much. I just have one question about the hook. From reading other queries and agent blogs a lot of people keep saying, "introduce the character" or tell us something about the character. Is that too long of an introduction?

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by wilderness » October 11th, 2010, 3:45 pm

I think it depends on the story. Yours is very high-concept, with a strong one-line hook which I think you should take advantage of. Get the agent's attention right away! You can still let us get to know Sharlet by going into how she meets Kalav and what attracts her to him.

"Sharlet Gales has it all. Her problem? She doesn't want it all. Her too perfect life is boring the hell out of her" -- Really this isn't that unique. Lots of teenagers are bored with their upper-middle-class existence. That's why I say get to the good stuff.

It's just my opinion of course :)

A link: http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2007/11/bl ... rt-xi.html - Kristin Nelson's fantasy example for her pitch workshop. I think this workshop is really excellent. She has links to the whole workshop on the right-hand column on her blog (it's got 12 entries). You can see in this example how she points out that the action gets started right away.

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by Natasha » October 12th, 2010, 12:27 am

Version 3: After reading Kristin Nelson's blog pitch workshop, it seems that she likes a little bit of story in her queries. So I have taken your advice wilderness, read all of your comments, checked out Kristin's workshop and came up with the following:
Seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales is dating the son of the devil. If she knew he was the son of the Devil, though, she might have reconsidered.

After being stalked by him for weeks, Sharlet finally meets Kalav Devilson when she threatens to kill him with the tip of her mascara pen. However, she can’t go through with it because he’s just the thing she needs to add some excitement in her life. And before she knows it, he turns her world upside down. No literally—the trees hung down from the sky while they walked on top of the stars and they fall in love.

Kalav admits that he doesn’t want to be evil and promises to change, but after her best friend finds out that that he is carrying out his father's agenda, Sharlet learns that she may not have known Kalav as well as she thought. Unfortunately, Satan doesn't like the changes Sharlet is trying to push on Kalav and kidnaps him, hoping to lure her into Hell so he can dispose of her.

Sharlet believes Kalav can rise above his birthright because his love for her has revealed that he is a beautiful person. If he doesn't, however, she'll be a prisoner of hell for eternity—and the world will be taken over by the anti-christ. Sharlet's problem? Love might not actually be enough for him to change.

AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

Nice high stakes, but I think it would be good to make Sharlet more active. How is she going to help Kalav defy his father?
I would love to add this but there would be no way I could explain how she is going to help Kalav defy his father without telling all of the secrets
that he has been keeping from her without going into deep explanation of what exactly his secrets are. When I was discussing this with some people
who were helping me with my query, they agreed it would probably take too many words since a lot of my stuff goes against traditional myth and legend. What do you think?

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by wilderness » October 12th, 2010, 1:44 pm

Natasha wrote:
Seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales is dating the son of the devil. If she knew he was the son of the Devil, though, she might have reconsidered. This feels repetitive. How about combining these two sentences: "If seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales had known she was dating the son of the devil, she might have reconsidered."

After being stalked by him for weeks, Sharlet finally meets Kalav Devilson when she threatens to kill him with the tip of her mascara pen. Haha. However, she can’t go through with it because he’s just the thing she needs to add some excitement in her life. And before she knows it, he turns her world upside down. No, literally—the trees hung down from the sky while they walked on top of the stars and they fall in love. This is nice; we get to see their courtship.

Kalav admits that he doesn’t want to be evil and promises to change, but after her best friend finds out that that he is carrying out his father's agenda, Sharlet learns that she may not have known Kalav as well as she thought. This sentence feels clunky. I would break it up. It would be nice if Sharlet had some sort of reaction to the news that he's the devil's son. And what did the best friend see him doing? Unfortunately, Satan doesn't like the changes Sharlet is trying to push on Kalav and kidnaps him, hoping to lure her into Hell so he can dispose of her.

Sharlet believes (hopes?) Kalav can rise above his birthright because his love for her has revealed that he is a beautiful person. I think this is implied by the last sentence. If he doesn't, however, she'll be a prisoner of hell for eternity—and the world will be taken over by the anti-christ (should this be capitalized?). Sharlet's problem? Love might not actually be enough for him to change.

AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.
Nice high stakes, but I think it would be good to make Sharlet more active. How is she going to help Kalav defy his father?
I would love to add this but there would be no way I could explain how she is going to help Kalav defy his father without telling all of the secrets
that he has been keeping from her without going into deep explanation of what exactly his secrets are. When I was discussing this with some people
who were helping me with my query, they agreed it would probably take too many words since a lot of my stuff goes against traditional myth and legend. What do you think?
I just worry she comes across as too passive, but I'll let you be the judge. I do think ending with "Love might not actually be enought to change" has a nice ring to it.

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by Natasha » October 12th, 2010, 4:27 pm

Version 4: I don't know if Sharlet is still coming off passive in this one. I tried to add details on what she goes through to show how strong she is without having to go in long explanations.
If seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales had known she was dating the son of the devil, she might have reconsidered.

After being stalked by him for weeks, Sharlet finally meets Kalav Devilson when she threatens to kill him with the tip of her mascara pen. Nevertheless, she can’t go through with it because he’s just the thing she needs to add some excitement in her life. And before she knows it, he turns her world upside down. No, literally—the trees hung down from the sky while they walked on top of the stars. They fall in love.

Kalav admits that he doesn’t want to be evil and promises to change. But after her best friend finds out that that he is carrying out his father's agenda, Sharlet learns that she may not have known Kalav as well as she thought. Unfortunately, Satan doesn't like the changes Sharlet is trying to push on Kalav and kidnaps him, hoping to lure her into Hell so he can dispose of her. Although she is livid with Kalav, Sharlet falls for Satan’s trap, and finds herself navigating through Hell—a world with mermaids, deserts made of honeycomb, and carbonated lakes. The thing is, everything beautiful here has its evils.

Sharlet believes Kalav can rise above his birthright. If he doesn't, however, she'll be a prisoner of hell for eternity—and the world will be taken over by the Anti-Christ. Sharlet's problem? Love might not actually be enough for him to change.

AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by wilderness » October 12th, 2010, 5:13 pm

I really liked your latest version. Especially this bit:
Natasha wrote: Although she is livid with Kalav, Sharlet falls for Satan’s trap, and finds herself navigating through Hell—a world with mermaids, deserts made of honeycomb, and carbonated lakes. The thing is, everything beautiful here has its evils.
It's so vivid -- it really makes me want to read your book :) Good luck with your querying!

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by Natasha » October 12th, 2010, 5:14 pm

Awww thank you! Thank you sooo much for all of your help! I really appreciate it. I'll try my best to help you if you post a query.

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by priya g. » October 12th, 2010, 5:58 pm

If seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales had known she was dating the son of the devil, she might have reconsidered. PERFECT BEGINNING- COULDNT HAVE GOTTEN BETTER!

After being stalked by him for weeks, Sharlet finally meets Kalav Devilson when she threatens to kill him with the tip of her mascara pen HILARIOUS. Nevertheless, she can’t go through with it because he’s just the thing she needs to add some excitement in her life CHUNKY SENTENCE, HOW ABOUT "SHE CAN'T LET HIM OFF THE HOOK, SHE NEEDS THE EXCITEMENT" ETC. And before she knows it, he turns her world upside down. No, literally—the trees hung down from the sky while they walked on top of the stars. They fall in love.

Kalav admits that he doesn’t want to be evil and promises to changeHOW ABOUT BREAKING THIS INTO TWO SENTENCES- KALAV ADMITS HE DOESNT WANT TO BE EVIL. HE PROMISES TO CHANGE. But after her best friend finds out that that he is carrying out his father's agenda WHAT AGENDA? SPECIFY, Sharlet learns that she may not have known Kalav as well as she thought CHUNKY PART YET AGAIN (SORRY, I AM A SERIAL 'CHUNKY' COMMENT POSTER). Unfortunately, Satan doesn't like the changes Sharlet is trying to push on Kalav and kidnaps him, hoping to lure her into Hell so he can dispose of her CUT THIS UP INTO TWO SENTENCES. Although she is livid with Kalav, Sharlet falls for Satan’s trap, and finds herself navigating through Hell—a world with mermaids, deserts made of honeycomb, and carbonated lakes. The thing is, everything beautiful here has its evils. PERFECT

Sharlet believes Kalav can rise above his birthright. If he doesn't, however, she'll be a prisoner of hell for eternity—and the world will be taken over by the Anti-Christ INTRODUCE THE IDEA THAT SHE BELIEVES IN CHRISTIANITY IN THE BEGINNING SOMEWHERE. Sharlet's problem? Love might not actually be enough for him to change.PERFECT

AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

this letter is awesome! really! drastic improvements over your drafts!

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by Natasha » October 12th, 2010, 6:13 pm

priya g. wrote:If seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales had known she was dating the son of the devil, she might have reconsidered. PERFECT BEGINNING- COULDNT HAVE GOTTEN BETTER!

After being stalked by him for weeks, Sharlet finally meets Kalav Devilson when she threatens to kill him with the tip of her mascara pen HILARIOUS. Nevertheless, she can’t go through with it because he’s just the thing she needs to add some excitement in her life CHUNKY SENTENCE, HOW ABOUT "SHE CAN'T LET HIM OFF THE HOOK, SHE NEEDS THE EXCITEMENT" ETC. And before she knows it, he turns her world upside down. No, literally—the trees hung down from the sky while they walked on top of the stars. They fall in love.

Kalav admits that he doesn’t want to be evil and promises to changeHOW ABOUT BREAKING THIS INTO TWO SENTENCES- KALAV ADMITS HE DOESNT WANT TO BE EVIL. HE PROMISES TO CHANGE. But after her best friend finds out that that he is carrying out his father's agenda WHAT AGENDA? SPECIFY, Sharlet learns that she may not have known Kalav as well as she thought CHUNKY PART YET AGAIN (SORRY, I AM A SERIAL 'CHUNKY' COMMENT POSTER). Unfortunately, Satan doesn't like the changes Sharlet is trying to push on Kalav and kidnaps him, hoping to lure her into Hell so he can dispose of her CUT THIS UP INTO TWO SENTENCES. Although she is livid with Kalav, Sharlet falls for Satan’s trap, and finds herself navigating through Hell—a world with mermaids, deserts made of honeycomb, and carbonated lakes. The thing is, everything beautiful here has its evils. PERFECT

Sharlet believes Kalav can rise above his birthright. If he doesn't, however, she'll be a prisoner of hell for eternity—and the world will be taken over by the Anti-Christ INTRODUCE THE IDEA THAT SHE BELIEVES IN CHRISTIANITY IN THE BEGINNING SOMEWHERE. Sharlet's problem? Love might not actually be enough for him to change.PERFECT

AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

this letter is awesome! really! drastic improvements over your drafts!

Thank you so much. I have a habit of writing chunky sentences. I will definitely go over them and try to shorten them. I had to go over my manuscript like four times to make sure I didn't have overly, complex sentences.....I think it comes writing so much poetry where a simple comma is enough.

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Re: AMETHYST - YA Paranormal Romance/Fantasy - Query

Post by caseygriffin2 » October 14th, 2010, 3:57 am

If seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales had known she was dating the son of the devil, she might have reconsidered.That's an awesome opening.

After being stalked by him for weeks, Sharlet finally meets Kalav Devilson when Maybe use "and" instead of "when" it sound like her threat via makeup is the sole reason for their meeting.she threatens to kill him with the tip of her mascara pen. NeverthelessMaybe "however" would sound better, she can’t go through with it because he’s just the thing she needs to add some excitement in her life. And before she knows it, he turns her world upside down. No, literally—the trees hung down from the sky while they walked on top of the stars. They fall in love. I love it! This has way better flow than your first. The sequence of events flows logically.

Kalav admits that he doesn’t want to be evil and promises to change. "change, but" But after her best friendI don't think you need to say it was her best friend that found out. The bottom line is that Sharlet found out, and "the best friend" part isn't really important. Try ", but after Sharlet finds out that he's still carrying out his father's agenda, she realizes that she may not know Kalav as well as she thought. finds out that that he is carrying out his father's agenda, Sharlet learns that she may not have known Kalav as well as she thought. Unfortunately, Satan doesn't like the changes Sharlet is trying to push on Kalav and kidnaps him, hoping to lure her into Hell so he can dispose of her Why can't Satan just kill her where she stands? Stray lightning strike, the plague, etc? . Although she is livid with Kalavbecause he's still doing bad things? Or because of the trap? Maybe make it more clear why she's upset with him , Sharlet falls for Satan’s trap, and finds herself navigating through Hell—a world with mermaids, deserts made of honeycomb, and carbonated lakesCool description. The thing is, everything beautiful here has its evils maybe there's a better word for evils, like downfall? curse? dark side... okay, maybe too Star Wars, but you get my drift. Lol..

Sharlet believes Kalav can rise above his birthright I like this sentence. If he doesn't, however, she'll be a prisoner of hell for eternity—and the world will be taken over by the Anti-Christ. Sharlet's problem? Love might not actually be enough for him to change.Hmmmmm sounds like love being enough to change him is the least of her problems, maybe cut "Sharlet's problem?" and put something to the effect of "unfortunately for Sharlet, and the rest of the world, love might not actually be enough to change him."

AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

Great revisions!!!!! I love it. It flows well and seems to have all the good shockers in all the right places.

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