Query -IRON HEART-

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
BAL
Posts: 22
Joined: February 12th, 2010, 11:09 am
Contact:

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by BAL » October 8th, 2010, 11:03 am

*Latest Version*

Quill wrote:

Not sure what you could replace it with, but "life is turned upside down" is sort of a cliche.

[/quote]

I kind of agree but I'm not sure what I could replace it with. Anyone have a good idea?



Dear Agent,

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machines exist side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by Ruthilda, a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a man’s body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find Ruthilda and force her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.

Rynn, a half-witch with trust issues, feels responsible for Terik’s curse. After all it was her father’s invention that started all the trouble. The Artair, with its golden case and winding gears, has the power to store the dangerous and uncontrollable wild magic, and now Ruthilda has figured out how to release the power and use it to make herself the ultimate evil witch. Knowing they must stop her at any cost, Rynn leads Terik into the human kingdom to find Ruthilda, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it can do anymore harm.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities in the land of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn must battle Ruthilda’s assassins and overcome love struck humans to destroy the Artair. If they fail, Terik will be trapped in his human body forever, and the kingdoms of Garn and Lascoe will be dragged into a devastating war.

My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Down the well
Posts: 516
Joined: June 10th, 2010, 3:22 pm
Contact:

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Down the well » October 8th, 2010, 2:05 pm

BAL wrote:Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machines exist side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by Ruthilda, a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a man’s body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find Ruthilda and force her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body, and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.
I'm not that bothered by the "turned upside down" phrase. I am getting thrown by the witch's name, though. Don't know why. I think I liked the sentence better without it. I know you have two witches in the query (at least a witch and a half), but I find that less confusing than trying to keep track of another character name. Up to you, of course. It's probably because I'm used to seeing the query without the name, but whatever you think. Others will likely tell you if they like it or not, too.

BAL wrote:Rynn, a half-witch with trust issues, feels responsible for Terik’s curse. After all it was her father’s invention that started all the trouble. The Artair, with its golden case and winding gears, has the power to store the dangerous and uncontrollable wild magic, and now Ruthilda has figured out how to release the power and use it to make herself the ultimate evil witch. Knowing they must stop her at any cost, Rynn leads Terik into the human kingdom to find Ruthilda, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it can do anymore harm.
1) I think Quill is right about the "trust issues." Though it might be a characteristic of Rynn, it isn't quite the right one to add here because it doesn't fit with the rest of the sentence. Trust issues would make her shy away from Terik, not want to help him.

2) I think "uncontrollable" and "wild" are similar enough that you only need one. Together it gets a little wordy.

3) Hmmm, "ultimate evil witch" isn't quite doing it for me. Is that an official title? Or is there an official title for the supreme witch of the land?

BAL wrote:From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities in the land of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn must battle Ruthilda’s assassins and overcome love-struck humans to destroy the Artair. If they fail, Terik will be trapped in his human body forever, and the kingdoms of Garn and Lascoe will be dragged into a devastating war, and something else.

My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel.
1) I think you need one more beat at the end of the last sentence. There's a better rhythm if there are three things -- one, two, and three. Do you know what I mean? It will have a stronger finish, IMO.

2) Is it steam-punk or steampunk? I've really only seen the second.

3) Not a big deal, but is there a reason you don't use the standard Young Adult designation? I'm not sure they're usually referred to as "teen novel" by agents and editors.


I know some of this sounds really over-critical, but this is your introduction to an agent. Their entire first opinion of you as a writer will be based on this page. Make sure your grammar is perfect. Check all your hyphens, your commas, and your apostrophes, and make sure they are correct.

It's such an adorable story. I know if I were an agent I would ask for a partial. :) Best of luck!

User avatar
androidblues
Posts: 134
Joined: September 30th, 2010, 5:59 pm
Location: Albuquerque,NM
Contact:

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by androidblues » October 8th, 2010, 3:50 pm

Definitely a good query. Although I disagree with Down The Well on one point, I think you should keep the witches name. Other than that I'd probably request a full, just because I've never seen anything like it.
http://www.thebooklantern.com

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I never want to hear the screams of the teenage girls in other people's dreams.

In the real word as in dreams, nothing is quite what it seems.

Natasha
Posts: 19
Joined: October 8th, 2010, 12:39 pm
Contact:

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Natasha » October 8th, 2010, 9:14 pm

I loved the most recent version of your query. I don't think you should change anything else but thats just my opinion.

BAL
Posts: 22
Joined: February 12th, 2010, 11:09 am
Contact:

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by BAL » October 11th, 2010, 11:26 am

*Newest Version*
Thank you everyone for all of your great advice. I think I'm almost there.(and hopefully I didn't just jinx myself by saying that)


Dear Agent,

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machines exist side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by Ruthilda, a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a man’s body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find Ruthilda and force her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.

Rynn, a half-witch with a mysterious past, feels responsible for Terik’s curse. After all it was her father’s invention that started all the trouble. The Artair, with its golden case and winding gears, has the power to store the dangerous wild magic, and now Ruthilda has figured out how to release the magic and use it to make herself all-powerful. Knowing they must stop her, Rynn leads Terik into the human kingdom to find Ruthilda, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it can do anymore harm.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities in the land of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn must battle Ruthilda’s assassins and overcome love struck humans to destroy the Artair. If they fail, Rynn will lose the chance to clear her father’s name, Terik will be trapped in his human body forever and the kingdoms of Garn and Lascoe will be dragged into a devastating war.

My 80,000-word young adult novel, IRON HEART, is a steampunk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Yours,

glj
Posts: 109
Joined: September 29th, 2010, 11:23 am
Contact:

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by glj » October 11th, 2010, 5:14 pm

I like this. Great idea. And your iterations show improvement. A few small suggestions below.


Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machines exist side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by Ruthilda, a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a man’s body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find Ruthilda and force her to change him back. Logistical question: If she cursed him , why does he need to travel TO her? To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently. Love this!

Rynn, a half-witch with a mysterious past, feels responsible for Terik’s curse. This makes me read on After all, it was her father’s invention that started all the trouble. Another interesting point The Artair, with its golden case and winding gears, has the power to store the "the"? Doesn't seem necessary dangerous wild magic, and now Drop "now", it isn't needed Ruthilda has figured out how to release the magic and use it to make herself all-powerful. This is the only spot that disappointed me. "All powerful"? This seems so comic book stereotypical. I love villains who don't try to rule the world, but have some other, more interesting life goal. Maybe something that specifically strikes terror in the little hearts of amphibians? Maybe her first stated goal is to rid the world of flies? Knowing they must stop her, Rynn leads Terik into the human kingdom to find Ruthilda, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it can do anymore harm.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities in the land of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn must battle Ruthilda’s assassins and overcome love struck humans to destroy the Artair. This doesn't seem to need a paragraph break, as it continues the theme of the previous sentence If they fail, Rynn will lose the chance to clear her father’s name, Terik will be trapped in his human body forever, and the kingdoms of Garn and Lascoe will be dragged into a devastating war.

My 80,000-word young adult novel, IRON HEART, is a steampunk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Down the well
Posts: 516
Joined: June 10th, 2010, 3:22 pm
Contact:

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Down the well » October 13th, 2010, 9:59 am

Looks good. I agree with glj on some of the minor stuff that needs adjusting. Are you feeling ready to send it out? Let us know how it goes if you do. Good luck! :)

BAL
Posts: 22
Joined: February 12th, 2010, 11:09 am
Contact:

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by BAL » October 18th, 2010, 12:36 pm

I've made the minor adjustments suggested. I'm going to start sending it out this week and see what I get. I'll keep everyone posted on how it goes.
Thank you to everyone who helped me with this. :)

BAL
Posts: 22
Joined: February 12th, 2010, 11:09 am
Contact:

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by BAL » January 31st, 2011, 12:00 pm

Latest Update: I've sent out the previous letter and haven't gotten any replies so I'm rewriting. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.


Dear Agent,
Magic and Machine exist side by side in Garn and it is Terik’s dream to become a mechanic’s assistant. As a toad with the ability to control hot and cold he’s a shoe in for a place in the famous forges. But everything changes when Terik is cursed by Ruthilda, a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now trapped as a human male, Terik must travel to the human lands to find Ruthilda and force her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body, and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.

Rynn never imagined that any of her father’s inventions had survived the fire. But one has and now it’s in the hands of a vengeful witch. The Artair with its golden case and winding gears has the power to trap wild magic and cause devastating damage. Rynn feels responsible for Terik’s curse and agrees to lead him into the human kingdom and help return him to his normal state. Once Terik is back to himself Rynn has sworn to destroy the dangerous Artair before it can do anymore damage.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities in the land of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn battle assassins, overcome love struck humans and fight feelings for each other, only to discover that Ruthilda has plans for the Artair that will drag both kingdoms into a devastating war.

My 80,000-word young adult novel, IRON HEART, is a steampunk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Yours,

Emily J
Posts: 250
Joined: March 31st, 2010, 2:20 pm
Contact:

Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Emily J » February 1st, 2011, 11:38 pm

BAL wrote:Latest Update: I've sent out the previous letter and haven't gotten any replies so I'm rewriting. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.


Dear Agent,
Magic and Machine exist side by side in Garn is Garn a world/country/city/bathtub? and it is Terik’s dream to become a mechanic’s assistant. two unusual names Garn, Terik in one sentence might be a bit much, also introducing your world and your MC in the same sentence might also be cramming too much in As a toad with the ability to control hot and cold COMMA he’s a shoe in for a place in the famous forges. what famous forges? can toads make weapons? they dont have opposable thumbs!! also thats an odd power But everything changes when Terik is cursed by Ruthilda, a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. begs the question, what did she invent? why is it dangerous?? Now trapped as a human male, Terik must travel to the human lands to find Ruthilda you seem to be repeating names a bit more that necessary and force her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body, and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently. <-- this is a really cute/unique idea, i feel you might be burying the lead hiding this at the end of the paragraph

Rynn who the heck is Rynn??? never imagined that any of her father’s who the heck is Rynn's father? (aside from an inventor of some kind, is he related to Ruthilda?) inventions had survived the fire. But one indefinite pronoun has and now it’s in the hands of a vengeful witch. Ruthilda right?? I think I am seeing how this ties together but it could be clearer The Artair the what now?? really confused... with its golden case and winding gears has the power to trap wild magic and cause devastating damage. what sort of damage?? to what/whom?? Rynn feels responsible for Terik’s curse and agrees to lead him into the human kingdom so there's a human world, is that in Garn?? and help return him to his normal state. Once Terik is back to himself Rynn has sworn to destroy the dangerous Artair before it can do anymore damage.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities in the land of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn name soup battle assassins, overcome love struck love-struck humans COMMA and fight feelings for each other, only to discover that Ruthilda has plans for the Artair that will drag both kingdoms into a devastating war.

My 80,000-word young adult novel, IRON HEART, is a steampunk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Yours,
I do enjoy steampunk and the idea of a human being kissed and turned into a frog is a cute spin on the traditional fairy tale. Right now, I think there is way too much plot thrown in here. Definitely leave out Rynn's father, if not Rynn entirely (depending on how integral the romance angle is). Focus more on the curse, that's my suggestion!

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 1 guest