Query -IRON HEART-

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BAL
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Query -IRON HEART-

Post by BAL » October 4th, 2010, 6:07 pm

*Newest Version at the bottom*
-Thanks to everyone who has commented. You all have been very helpful.


Dear Agent,

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed against his will by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a human body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and get her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.

Rynn feels responsible for getting Terik cursed into a human. After all it was her father’s invention —called the Artair— that helped the witch do it. The Artair allows it’s user to wield an uncontrollable wild magic. Now Rynn must lead Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it does anymore harm.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn work together to stop the witch and destroy the Artair. If they fail Terik will be a human forever, and his won’t be the only life that’s damaged because the witch has plans to over throw both kingdoms using the Artair for assassination and war.

My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Last edited by BAL on October 7th, 2010, 11:21 am, edited 2 times in total.

Netti
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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Netti » October 4th, 2010, 9:16 pm

BAL wrote:Dear Agent,
My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. This should go at the end of the query.

When Terik is unexpectedly turned into a human he must join forces with Rynn, a half witch, to find the wild magic that changed him or else be stuck as a human forever.Way to catch reader's attention! However, you may want to take the part about Rynn being a half witch out because at first I thought she was the one who cursed him.

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a human body Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and get her to change him back. To make matters worse women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.

Rynn feels responsible for getting Terik cursed into a human. After all it was her father’s invention that helped the witch do it. Now she’ll lead Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back and retrieve her father’s stolen invention before it does anymore harm.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities of Lascoe Terik and Rynn work together to stop the witch and destroy the dangerous invention. If they fail it will lead to the death of a human prince and result in a devastating war that would ravage both kingdoms. (A little more about this invention would be good right now. I've never heard of something that can wreak so much havoc.)

IRON HEART is my first novel and the first of a trilogy featuring Terik and Rynn. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. (This is where you'd put that first sentence with word count, etc.)

Yours,
Loving the twist! Let me know when you get this published because I want to read it. There were only a couple things that I noticed but you can see those above. Hope I was helpful and good luck!
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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Mark17 » October 4th, 2010, 10:33 pm

My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. I would think about moving this to the end and start with the action of the story. You also don't need My 80,000 word novel, just IRON HEART (80,000 words) is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale. (Which by the way, sounds awesome.)

When Terik is unexpectedly turned into a human he must join forces with Rynn, a half witch, to find the wild magic that changed him or else be stuck as a human forever. You can actually probably do away with this whole sentence and start with the next one. All the information is in the next one and that way you know Terik is a originalyl toad, because right here i

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a human body Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and get her to change him back. To make matters worse women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently. A crazy witch with a dangerous invention seems like such a simple sentence, but I love it.

Rynn (if you get rid of that first sentence, I would putL Rynn, a halfwitch, feels) feels responsible for getting Terik cursed into a human. After all it was her father’s invention that helped the witch do it. Now she’ll lead Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back and retrieve her father’s stolen invention before it does anymore harm. Was Rynn''s mom/dad the bad witch? I'm just wondering. How did the witch get the weopon?

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities of Lascoe Terik and Rynn work together to stop the witch and destroy the dangerous invention. If they fail it will lead to the death of a human prince and result in a devastating war that would ravage both kingdoms. This repeats the stuff in the previous paragraph when you say Rynn and Terik work to stop the witch and destroy the invention. Actually it counteracts it. The previous sentence said retrieve it. Either way you probably don't need to repeat it. If you cut down on the repetition, maybe you could give some information on the devastating war, how Terik plays into and why he would want to stop it. Because that's pretty interesting.

IRON HEART is my first novel and the first of a trilogy featuring Terik and Rynn. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. Right here I would put a tweaked version of your original paragraph. I've heard you shouldn't mention that it's a trilogy, if someone asks, tell them, but just focus on the book you are querying.
Yours,

The book sounds extremely interestinl It's definitely something I'd like to read. Good luck going forward.

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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by wilderness » October 5th, 2010, 2:05 pm

BAL wrote:Dear Agent,
My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk(no hyphen -- the spelling squigglies just don't know this genre) spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. Generally, the word count and genre should go after the pitch (according to Query Shark). But I'll admit I'm intrigued based on your description already -- steampunk Frog Prince sounds awesome. So use your best judgment I guess.


When Terik is unexpectedly turned into a human he must join forces with Rynn, a half witch, to find the wild magic that changed him or else be stuck as a human forever. I think you can lose this sentence and go on to the next paragraph, since it is repetitive. Also at this point, we don't know what Terik used to be.

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a human body (insert comma)Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and get her to change him back. To make matters worse (insert comma) women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently. This is really funny, I like the backwards take on things. "suffers one of their kisses" -- love it. But how does he know this? If the witch told him, I would move the sentence to where she cursed him. Then move on to his quest to find her. Also, the quest doesn't make sense to me. Why would she change him back when she cursed him the first place?

Rynn feels responsible for getting Terik cursed into a human. After all it was her father’s invention that helped the witch do it. This needs to be more chronological. Introduce Rynn before he is cursed, and then explain how her father's invention caused him to get cursed. And what is the invention? Now she’ll lead Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back (insert comma) and retrieve her father’s stolen invention before it does anymore harm.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities of Lascoe (insert comma)Terik and Rynn work together to stop the witch and destroy the dangerous invention. You mention that this is a world of machines and magic, but I'm not sure yet what are the machines? And what does the mechanical human cities mean? If they fail it will lead to the death of a human prince and result in a devastating war that would ravage both kingdoms. That comes out of nowhere. Who is this human prince? How will the invention lead to a devastating war? Besides which, the conflict needs to be about Terik, your MC.

IRON HEART is my first novel and the first of a trilogy featuring Terik and Rynn. I would just say it has series potential, if at all. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Yours,
It sounds like a unique and interesting world -- but I wanted more steampunk in there since that was part of your description. Tell us about the invention, the machines, the world. I'm not even sure what "iron heart" refers to. Hope that helps!

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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by priya g. » October 5th, 2010, 4:14 pm

Firstly, I am hooked already. Few pointers, though:

Dear Agent,
My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. THE PREVIOUS COMMENTS MENTION BRINGING THIS SENTENCE TO THE END, I AGREE.
When Terik is unexpectedly turned into a human he must join forces with Rynn, a half witch, to find the wild magic that changed him or else be stuck as a human forever. THIS SENTENCE SEEMS TO BE REPEATED IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH:Now stuck in a human body Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and get her to change him back. HENCE, KEEP ONE OF THEM, PREFERABLY THE SECOND ONE.

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side- THIS WOULD BE A GOOD BEGINNING, HOWEVER, WHAT TYPE OF MACHINES?. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a human body Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and get her to change him back. To make matters worse women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.GOOD TWIST.

Rynn feels responsible for getting Terik cursed into a human. After all it was her father’s invention that helped the witch do it. Now she’ll lead Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back and retrieve her father’s stolen invention before it does anymore harm.YOU COULD ADD A BIT ABOUT OTHER CHARACTERS, IF ANY, THAT SUFFERED FROM THE WORKS OF THE MACHINE AS WELL.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities of Lascoe Terik and Rynn work together to stop the witch and destroy the dangerous invention- THIS SENTENCE IS A BIT OF A REPETITION- IT IS CLEAR THAT RYNN AND TERIK WILL STOP THE WITCH AND DESTROY THE INVENTION, PARAPHRASING MIGHT HELP . If they fail it will lead to the death of a human prince and result in a devastating war that would ravage both kingdoms. HOW DOES THE PRINCE COME INTO THE PICTURE? THE MENTION OF THE HUMAN PRINCE CAN COME IN THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH- ABOUT HOW OTHERS ARE AFFECTED BY THE INVENTION.

IRON HEART is my first novel and the first of a trilogy featuring Terik and Rynn OTHERS MENTIONED REMOVING THIS- I AGREE. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Yours,

Just a word of caution- there seem to be a bit of punctuation errors, obviously nothing that cant be changed. i would love to read this novel!

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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Down the well » October 6th, 2010, 10:42 am

BAL wrote:Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a human body Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and get her to change him back. To make matters worse women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.
Definitely agree you should start here. This makes a strong opening. It also shows us immediately what is different about your story. Love it.
BAL wrote:Rynn, a word here about who she is, feels responsible for getting Terik cursed into a human. After all it was her father’s invention that helped the witch do it. What do we need to know about this machine? Now she’ll lead Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back, and retrieve her father’s stolen invention before it does anymore harm.
Here you need to tell us in one sentence a little bit about the machine. What is it supposed to do? What was it's original purpose? Like someone else mentioned, give us a little taste of that steampunk flavor from your novel.

BAL wrote:From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn work together to stop the witch and destroy the dangerous invention. If they fail it will lead to the death of a human prince and result in a devastating war that would ravage both kingdoms.
Yeah, the death of a human prince comes out of nowhere. This needs to be clarified a bit more. Nice high stakes, but right now it feels disconnected from the story of Terik and Rynn. Again, just a single sentence should do it, something to connect Terik's condition to that of the human prince -- whatever it is.
BAL wrote:IRON HEART is my first novel and the first of a trilogy featuring Terik and Rynn. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Yours,
As someone else mentioned, you should only state that the novel has series potential. And here is where you put your word count and general housekeeping material.

I really like this story idea. It kind of has a Wicked feel to it. Also, I don't know if you've read Wildwood Dancing by Juliet Marillier, but it, too, is a take-off on the frog prince type of story. Very different from yours, but you might want to give it a read as a comparable. Well done. I think you're very close on this query. I know I would like to read Iron Heart.

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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by androidblues » October 6th, 2010, 11:16 am

I would probably read this too. Sounds interesting. I just want to know how one can be a half-witch. Can't anyone train to be a full witch, unless it's like the half-bloods/pure-bloods thing in Harry Potter.
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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by wilderness » October 6th, 2010, 2:36 pm

Hi ---
It's better if you post your new version as a new reply instead of editing the original. That way we can see the progression of your query.

As for the latest, I think it's pretty good, definitely a cleaner version. The last sentence still seems to throw in the witch's plans as an afterthought. There should be more buildup to it. Also, I'd still like to see a little more steampunk in the query. The description of the invention is a little vague, IMO and we don't really know what iron heart or world of machines is like. Some of my previous questions still apply. Good luck.

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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by thewhipslip » October 6th, 2010, 2:39 pm

Dear Agent,

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed against his will You can cut "against his will" - most curses aren't voluntaryby a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a human body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and get her to change him back May I ask why he doesn't want to be human??. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently. Again, I really think you need to tell us WHY he doesn't want to be human...

Rynn feels responsible for getting Terik cursed into a human. After all it was her father’s invention —called the Artair— that helped the witch do it. The Artair allows it’s user to wield an uncontrollable wild magic Too vague. Be specific - what does the machine do/what is it capable of?. Now Rynn must lead Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it does anymore harm.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn work together to stop the witch stop the witch from doing what? I think you can condense this sentence with the one that comes afterand destroy the Artair. If they fail Terik will be a human forever, and his won’t be the only life that’s damaged because the witch has plans to over throw both kingdoms using the Artair for assassination and war.

My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.[/quote]
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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Down the well » October 7th, 2010, 10:10 am

wilderness wrote:It's better if you post your new version as a new reply instead of editing the original. That way we can see the progression of your query.
Agreed.
BAL wrote:Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed against his will by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a human body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and get force/compel/convince? her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.
Good.
BAL wrote:Rynn, still feel we need a word to describe her, feels responsible forgetting Terik cursed into a human clunky wording. After all, it was her father’s invention —called the Artair clunky and we need more description - a line from your novel that describes the machine maybe that helped the witch do it. The Artair allows it’s user to wield an uncontrollable wild magic. Now Rynn must lead Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it does anymore harm.
Just to show what I mean by my criticism:

Rynn, a half-witch with a soft heart, feels responsible for Terik's curse. After all, it was her father's invention that started all the trouble. The Artair, with its spinning flywheel and shiny brass cogs, has the power to generate dangerous and uncontrolled magic, and now a crazy witch has figured out how to use it. Knowing they must stop her, Rynn leads Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father's stolen invention before it can do anymore harm.

BAL wrote:From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities of in the land of (?) Lascoe, Terik and Rynn work together to stop the witch and destroy the Artair. Need to be more specific here. If they fail Terik will be a human forever, and his won’t be the only life that’s damaged because the witch has plans to over throw both kingdoms using the Artair for assassination and war.


These last two line feel weak to me. Don't know if this is any better, though.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities in the land of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn must battle whatevers and overcome whatyoumacallits to stop the witch and destroy the Artair. If they fail, Terik will be trapped in his human body forever, and the kingdoms of Garn and Lascoe will be dragged into a deadly war of the witch's making.

BAL wrote:My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Looking good. Best of luck!!

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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by BAL » October 7th, 2010, 11:20 am

*Updated*
*Sorry about not posting correctly, I wasn’t sure on the best way to do it but now I know.
*Thank you so much to everyone who commented. And a special thanks to Down the Well.
*To answer a few questions. (these are just explanations, please don’t think I’m being rude or ungrateful, because I’m deeply grateful to everyone who’s commented)
I do not explain the title of my book because I feel it would bog down my query
The witches in this story have nothing to do with the Harry Potter witches. These are witches from the old school fairytales.
I don’t explain why Terik doesn’t want to be human in my query because I feel it would interrupt the flow of it and add too much detail.


Dear Agent,

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a human body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and force her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.

Rynn, a half witch with trust issues, feels responsible for Terik’s curse. After all it was her father’s invention that started all the trouble. The Artair, with its golden case and winding gears, has the power to store the dangerous and uncontrollable wild magic, and now a crazy witch has figured out how to release the power and use it for herself. Knowing they must stop her, Rynn leads Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it can do anymore harm.

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities in the land of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn must battle the witch’s assassins and overcome love struck humans to stop the witch and destroy the Artair. If they fail, Terik will be trapped in his human body forever, and the kingdoms of Garn and Lascoe will be dragged into a devastating war of the witches making.

My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Yours,

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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Down the well » October 7th, 2010, 12:58 pm

BAL wrote:*Updated*

I do not explain the title of my book because I feel it would bog down my query
The witches in this story have nothing to do with the Harry Potter witches. These are witches from the old school fairytales.
I don’t explain why Terik doesn’t want to be human in my query because I feel it would interrupt the flow of it and add too much detail.


You don't have to explain everything. Sometimes it's good for people to be curious. Makes them want to read the story. :)



Dear Agent,

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now Stuck in a human body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and force her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.

I wonder if you should change the word "human" in the first instance to "man's" just to avoid the repetition?

Rynn, a half witch with trust issues, feels responsible for Terik’s curse. After all it was her father’s invention that started all the trouble. The Artair, with its golden case and winding gears, has the power to store the dangerous and uncontrollable wild magic, and now a crazy witch has figured out how to release the power and use it for herself. Knowing they must stop her, Rynn leads Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it can do anymore harm.

Um, I'm getting nitpicky now, but is there a more specific phrase to use here, like "her evil plans"? Although, maybe not those exact words, since they're a little cliche. Maybe something to indicate what she hopes to get from starting a war?

From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities in the land of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn must battle the witch’s assassins and overcome love-struck humans to stop the witch and destroy the Artair. If they fail, Terik will be trapped in his human body forever, and the kingdoms of Garn and Lascoe will be dragged into a devastating war of the witch's making.

My 80,000-word teen young adult novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Yours,
Well, I think this is reading much stronger. Let's see what others think.

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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by wilderness » October 7th, 2010, 1:24 pm

Hey BAL-

I understand you don't want to explain everything in the query. Indeed you have a good rhythm going in the current version. Best of luck with it.

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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Jaligard » October 7th, 2010, 5:40 pm

BAL wrote:Dear Agent,

Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side. But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed against his will by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention. Now stuck in a human body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and get her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.
Love it. It could use tightening, but this is a great hook. You're getting good comments all around. Thewhipslip is usualy spot on, but whatever you do, DO NOT explain why he does not want to be a human. He's a toad. It's better left unsaid.
Rynn feels responsible for getting Terik cursed into a human. After all it was her father’s invention —called the Artair— that helped the witch do it. The Artair allows it’s user to wield an uncontrollable wild magic. Now Rynn must lead Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it does anymore harm.
And now you're losing me. This feels like a whole new, abbreviated query. Maybe introduce us to Rynn and try to keep this in Terik's point of view?
From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities of Lascoe, Terik and Rynn work together to stop the witch and destroy the Artair. If they fail Terik will be a human forever, and his won’t be the only life that’s damaged because the witch has plans to over throw both kingdoms using the Artair for assassination and war.

My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
This needs editing, but the first paragraph really grabbed me. I want to read this book. I would recommend rewriting the second paragraph as well as going through and removing every unneccesary word ("uncontrollable wild magic"?). Some of those might get put put back in, but give it a try.

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Re: Query -IRON HEART-

Post by Quill » October 7th, 2010, 11:01 pm

BAL wrote:
Terik is a toad living in the kingdom of Garn where magic and machine live side by side.
How about "exist side by side" to avoid the three "lives": "living in the kingdom" "live side by side" and "Terik's life is turned".

But Terik’s life is turned upside down when he is cursed by a crazy witch with a dangerous invention.
Not sure we need "with a dangerous invention". How about just "is cursed by a crazy witch"?

Also, not sure what you could replace it with, but "life is turned upside down" is sort of a cliche. And for a toad "upside down" seems would be a normal course of events, so the metaphor does not sound particularly effective.
Now stuck in a human body, Terik must travel to the human lands to find the witch and force her to change him back. To make matters worse, women are magically drawn to his cursed new body
How about, "To make matters worse, women are drawn as if by magic to..." (otherwise, how does he know it is magic which is attracting them to him?)
and if he suffers one of their kisses he’ll become human permanently.
Wondering how he would know this.
Rynn, a half witch with trust issues, feels responsible for Terik’s curse.
Not sure what a half witch is.

Would it be half-witch (with a hyphen)?

Wondering why it is important to tell us about her trust issues. Do these come into play in this query?
After all it was her father’s invention that started all the trouble.
Wondering if you could drop "after all". You seem to set it up well enough with "feels responsible".
The Artair, with its golden case and winding gears, has the power to store the dangerous and uncontrollable wild magic, and now a crazy witch has figured out how to release the power and use it for herself.
Unclear. Is this the same crazy witch or a different crazy witch?
Knowing they must stop her, Rynn leads Terik into the human lands to find the witch, get Terik changed back, and destroy her father’s stolen invention before it can do anymore harm.
I don't think it is wise to repeat info you already told us above, "into the human lands to find the witch".
From the luminous forest kingdom of Garn to the amazing mechanical human cities in the land of Lascoe,
Nice, informative line.
Terik and Rynn must battle the witch’s assassins and overcome love struck humans to stop the witch and destroy the Artair.
I think there are two witches (Rynn and another one) but not quite clear on this. Maybe you can clarify above and if so this will read fine.
If they fail, Terik will be trapped in his human body forever, and the kingdoms of Garn and Lascoe will be dragged into a devastating war
Not sure why the toad is so opposed to being human or why you wish to not explain (since your entire premise hangs on it), but okay, give that a shot.

of the witches making.
Wouldn't it be "witch's"?

I would omit this, anyway. Unneeded.
My 80,000-word teen novel, IRON HEART, is a steam-punk spin on the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale The Frog Prince. IRON HEART is my first novel.
Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.
Yours,
Intriguing and appealing storyline. No indication as to if the toad personality comes through in the human, which would be amusing. Also unclear is the level of humor. It would seem there might be some, given the toad as a human premise, but not sure from this query. Good luck!

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