Chosen by the Gods- Urban Fantasy

[Diana Shelton]

-Version 2 is a few posts down-

Dear Ladies and Gents,

Thank you SO much in advance for any help you feel inclined to give me. I'm at a total loss with my query. I've researched and googled myself stupid on how to write a query, what makes a good query, what makes a bad one, etc. I've revised and revised and I'm now more confused than when I started. I feel like a dog chasing its tail in a circle. So much rides on these little tiny blocks of text, its very intimidating. I think/hope/pray I have a good foundation for a query, but I'm sure it can be polished up..a lot, I'm just not sure how.

VERSION 1

Dear Agent:

How do you defend yourself against evil Gods when you've been raised to believe they aren't even real?--(lose this? I've seen some sites that recommend a catchy first line, others say its poo poo)--

It's not easy growing up as the dyslexic daughter of Atheist parents. Especially when the world you live in is filled with Gods and magic. University of Pittsburgh student Eliahna Shay is about to find out first hand just how dangerous, and wonderful, the attention of the Gods can be. The forces of Destruction have rallied their followers, ordering them to eliminate Eliahna before she can become a major threat.

Professor Aiden Klemenson, Chosen of Odin, has been assigned to mentor Eliahna through her time of choice. As if keeping her alive isn't hard enough, he also has to fight falling in love with her, an impossible task.

With serial killers, demons, and psychopaths sent to destroy her, Eliahna's life depends on how quickly she can become Chosen by the Gods.

CHOSEN BY THE GODS is a urban fantasy novel complete at 90,000 words.

[Netti]

Dear Ladies and Gents,

Thank you SO much in advance for any help you feel inclined to give me. I'm at a total loss with my query. I've researched and googled myself stupid on how to write a query, what makes a good query, what makes a bad one, etc. I've revised and revised and I'm now more confused than when I started. I feel like a dog chasing its tail in a circle. So much rides on these little tiny blocks of text, its very intimidating. I think/hope/pray I have a good foundation for a query, but I'm sure it can be polished up..a lot, I'm just not sure how.

Dear Agent:

How do you defend yourself against evil Gods when you've been raised to believe they aren't even real?--(lose this? I've seen some sites that recommend a catchy first line, others say its poo poo)--(I think a hook is good but this line doesn't work for it. Your beginning sentence in the next paragraph would work better. Maybe if you tried combining those first two sentences.)

It's not easy growing up as the dyslexic daughter of Atheist parents. Especially when the world you live in is filled with Gods and magic. University of Pittsburgh student Eliahna Shay is about to find out first hand just how dangerous, and wonderful, the attention of the Gods can be. The forces of Destruction have rallied their followers, ordering them to eliminate Eliahna before she can become a major threat. (You have plenty of room here for more detail and you need it. How is she a threat?)

Professor Aiden Klemenson, Chosen of Odin, has been assigned to mentor Eliahna through her time of choice. As if keeping her alive isn't hard enough, he also has to fight falling in love with her, an impossible task. (Again, we need some more detail.)

With serial killers, demons, and psychopaths sent to destroy her, Eliahna's life depends on how quickly she can become Chosen by the Gods.(I get what you're trying to do here, but it reads kinda cheesy. Rephrasing or something completely different would work better.)

CHOSEN BY THE GODS is a urban fantasy novel complete at 90,000 words.

I like your idea here. I love how she's an atheist then all these gods are after her. You're biggest problem here is that you need more detail; you get approximately 250 words, take advantage of it.

[Diana Shelton]

Than you Nettie! Your right, it is sparse. I was trying to follow another guideline that gave me far less than 250 words. And yeah, the tag line is cheese city. Back to the drawing board, thank you for your ideas!

[Quill]

How do you defend yourself against evil Gods when you've been raised to believe they aren't even real?--

First, it's best to not begin with a rhetorical question. Many agents prefer not to be asked such.

Second, "gods" wouldn't be capitalized, as that is usually reserved for the God.

Finally, this particular sentence isn't all that dynamic, so I'd leave it out and go straight to the description.

It's not easy growing up as the dyslexic daughter of Atheist parents.

Hmm. Why is being dyslexic in an atheist household more challenging than in, say, a Christian one?

Also, "atheist" would probably not be capitalized.

Especially when the world you live in is filled with Gods and magic.

Again, what would make living in such a world more difficult in an atheist household than a Christian one.

Again, "gods" would not be capitalized.

More important, though, is what do you mean by "live in" such a world? Do you mean in her imagination? Do you mean she spends time in another dimension or time? Certainly you don't mean she lives in such a world full time, since then her parents would wonder where she is, right? Please clarify.

University of Pittsburgh student Eliahna Shay is about to find out first hand just how dangerous, and wonderful, the attention of the Gods can be.

Omit "first hand" as redundant to "(she) is about to find out".

The forces of Destruction have rallied their followers,

Forces have rallied followers? Not sure what you mean by forces, but will assume you mean armies. Armies do not have followers. Armies are followers. If you mean lords of Destruction, shouldn't forces be capitalized: Forces of Destruction. In either case, "forces" seems awfully vague. Why not be more specific here. Who is doing the rallying?

ordering them to eliminate Eliahna before she can become a major threat.

I am actually wondering what something so mighty-sounding as Forces of Darkness would need to rally followers to eliminate one college student on Planet Earth. What sort of threat could such a high and mighty group feel from her?

Professor Aiden Klemenson, Chosen of Odin, has been assigned to mentor Eliahna through her time of choice.

Please clarify. What does "Chosen of Odin" mean? What does "time of choice" mean. Who assigned this Prof?

As if keeping her alive isn't hard enough, he also has to fight falling in love with her, an impossible task.

This all seems a bit too pat, and too casually written. First, you are using the same device as with "It's not easy growing up" (As if keeping her alive isn't hard enough). Second, it doesn't (in both cases) evoke drama or give us much info. And what is the danger of his puppy heart falling for her?

With serial killers, demons, and psychopaths sent to destroy her, Eliahna's life depends on how quickly she can become Chosen by the Gods.

This again is too quick. Essentially it is saying trust me, there are exciting chases and stuff. And that's not enough. You need to be specific about the conflict and the choices she faces. We need to know what it means to be chosen by the gods, and why this is important.

Good luck. It sounds like an interesting story.

[Diana Shelton]

Thank you for your very helpful feedback Quill. In this case Gods is capitalized, as they are on equal religious footing with the Christian concept of God. I believe Atheist is also capitalized in this situation, as it would be with calling someone a Protestant, Catholic, or Muslim. I'll research it further and see what the general feeling is. I've added more description to the query to hopefully clairify things a bit more. Thank you again for taking your time to look this over. I think it makes the foundation of the story understandable. But I'm looking into a mirror while I read it, and you are looking through a window. :)

VERSION 2

It's not easy growing up as the dyslexic daughter of Atheist parents. Especially in a world filled with Gods and magic. University of Pittsburgh student Eliahna Shay is about to find out just how dangerous, and wonderful, the attention of the Gods can be. Prophets have foretold her coming, a woman who will change the balance of power between good and evil. Eliahna has been born with the rare ability to become a Chosen, a secret group of men and women who act as the hand of their patron God on earth.

The malevolent Gods of Destruction have rallied their worshipers, ordering them to destroy Eliahna's heart and spirit. High Priests and Priestesses of Destruction are called in from all over the world to join the hunt. They seek to make Eliahna vulnerable to being turned into the Chosen of a wicked God.

Aiden Klemenson has been assigned by the Gods to mentor Eliahna. A Professor at the University of Pittsburgh, Aiden must hide his relationship and his growing attraction to Eliahna. He will teach her how to survive the assassination attempts on her life, and how to harness the powerful magic that is growing stronger in her body every day. Matters are complicated by Eliahna's total ignorance of the world of magic, and her lack of faith in the Gods who's favor she is supposed to seek.

The serial killers, demons, and psychopaths sent to destroy Eliahna could care less if she believes in them, they believe in her.

[priya g.]

the characters have been brought out strong and clear, though here are some thoughts:

It's not easy growing up as the dyslexic ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THAT SHE SEEMS DYSLEXIC TO THE WORLD BUT HER POWERS ARE HIDDEN IN THAT OR SHE IS DYSLEXIC? daughter of Atheist parents. Especially in a world filled with Gods and magic. University of Pittsburgh DOES THIS UNIVERSITY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER FINDING OUT ABOUT THE GODS AND MAGIC? student Eliahna Shay is about to find out just how dangerous, and wonderful, the attention of the Gods can be. Prophets have foretold her coming, a woman who will change the balance of power between good and evil HOW WAS THE BALANCE BEFORE SHE ARRIVED?. Eliahna has been born with the rare ability to become a Chosen, a secret group of men and women who act as the hand of their patron God on earth.

The malevolent Gods of Destruction have rallied their worshipers, ordering them to destroy Eliahna's heart and spirit. High Priests and Priestesses of Destruction are called in from all over the world to join the hunt. They seek to make Eliahna vulnerable to being turned into the Chosen of a wicked God I COULDNT FOLLOW THE LAST SENTENCE- ARE THEY TRYING TO INFLUENCE HER?.

Aiden Klemenson has been assigned by the Gods to mentor Eliahna. A Professor at the University of Pittsburgh AGAIN- THE MENTION OF THIS UNIVERSITY- DOES IT RELATE TO THE STORY?, Aiden must hide his relationship and his growing attraction to Eliahna. He will teach her how to survive the assassination attempts on her life, and how to harness the powerful magic that is growing stronger in her body every day. Matters are complicated by Eliahna's total ignorance of the world of magic, and her lack of faith in the Gods who's favor she is supposed to seek THE LAST SENTENCE SEEMS TO BE RANDOMLY THROWN IN. REPHRASING MAY HELP.

The serial killers, demons, and psychopaths sent to destroy Eliahna could care less if she believes in them, they believe in her CATCHING LINE- BUT SINCE AIDEN IS TRAINING HER, DOESNT IT IMPLY THAT SHE ALREADY BELIEVES IN THIS WORLD OF MAGIC AND GODS?.

RETAIN THE DETAILS- NAME AND NUMBER OF WORDS

all in all, the story is captivating. hope the tips help!

[Diana Shelton]

Dear Priya, you rock! Thank you for the clear and helpful breakdown. It really has given me a lot to think about in a good way.

It's not easy growing up as the dyslexic ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THAT SHE SEEMS DYSLEXIC TO THE WORLD BUT HER POWERS ARE HIDDEN IN THAT OR SHE IS DYSLEXIC? daughter of Atheist parents.

Good point, I'm not sure if that's clear enough. In the story she has a problem reading spells due to dyslexic mispronouciations. But that is not clear in one bitty sentenc. I think I shall change it to: -It's not easy growing up as the sheltered daughter of Atheist parents.- Her being sheltered is very relevant to the story, and I think it's easier to understand on its own.

University of Pittsburgh DOES THIS UNIVERSITY HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER FINDING OUT ABOUT THE GODS AND MAGIC?

Other than being the location of the story...no. But I read that you're supposed to throw in the location into the query, so that's what I was attempting to do here.

They seek to make Eliahna vulnerable to being turned into the Chosen of a wicked God I COULDNT FOLLOW THE LAST SENTENCE- ARE THEY TRYING TO INFLUENCE HER?.

They are trying to turn her to the dark side, but that sounds so Star Wars...so I was trying to think of another way to convey that without bringing to mind 'Use the force Luke' :) Will marinate that one in my mind and try to come up with something clearer.

Matters are complicated by Eliahna's total ignorance of the world of magic, and her lack of faith in the Gods who's favor she is supposed to seek THE LAST SENTENCE SEEMS TO BE RANDOMLY THROWN IN. REPHRASING MAY HELP.

Hrmm yeah. I need to convey that even with all the weird and wonderful things happeneing to her, it's hard for her to overcome her upbringing. IE when you've been raised to not have faith, how do you embrace what your heart tells you is real, but your mind argues against.

-The serial killers, demons, and psychopaths sent to destroy Eliahna could care less if she believes in them, they believe in her CATCHING LINE- BUT SINCE AIDEN IS TRAINING HER, DOESNT IT IMPLY THAT SHE ALREADY BELIEVES IN THIS WORLD OF MAGIC AND GODS?.-

Kinda ties into the line before it. She believes what she can see, and she does come to accept it, but it comes back to the question of faith. I personally have a TON of faith in a higher power, but I have an Atheist sister and I tried to give Eliahna some of the arguments/mindset that my sister has given me over the years. If that makes any sense!

[Diana Shelton]

Version 3

Dear Agent:

CHOSEN BY THE GODS is a completed 90,000 word urban fantasy with romantic elements, in the vein of Laurell K Hamilton and Kim Harrison, set in Pittsburgh.

It's not easy growing up as the sheltered daughter of Atheist parents. Especially in a world filled with Gods and magic. College student Eliahna Shay is about to find out just how dangerous, and wonderful, the attention of the Gods can be. Prophets have foretold her coming, a woman who will be a powerful weapon of benevolent Gods of Creation. Eliahna has been born with the rare ability to become a Chosen, a secret group of men and women who act as the hand of their patron God on earth. The wicked Gods of Destruction have rallied their worshipers, ordering them to destroy Eliahna's heart and spirit. Once she is broken, Eliahna will be vulnerable to the seductive lies of evil.

Professor Aiden Klemenson has been assigned by the Gods to mentor Eliahna. He will try to teach her how to survive the assassination attempts on her life, and to harness the powerful magic that is growing stronger in her body every day. But first he has to convince her that Gods and magic are real. Despite his better judgment, desire flares between them with an enchantment all its own.

The serial killers, demons, and psychopaths sent to destroy Eliahna could care less if she believes in them, they believe in her.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Diana Shelton

[Quill]

Version 3

Dear Agent:

CHOSEN BY THE GODS is a completed 90,000 word urban fantasy with romantic elements, in the vein of Laurell K Hamilton and Kim Harrison, set in Pittsburgh.

It's not easy growing up as the sheltered daughter of Atheist parents.

Why not? What do you mean by "sheltered"? Kept home a lot? What would the parents being atheist have to do with it, why are the parents' beliefs important?

Especially in a world filled with Gods and magic.

In Pittsburgh? How so? The city is filled?

College student Eliahna Shay is about to find out just how dangerous, and wonderful, the attention of the Gods can be. Prophets have foretold her coming, a woman who will be a powerful weapon of benevolent Gods of Creation. Eliahna has been born with the rare ability to become a Chosen, a secret group of men and women who act as the hand of their patron God on earth. The wicked Gods of Destruction have rallied their worshipers, ordering them to destroy Eliahna's heart and spirit. Once she is broken, Eliahna will be vulnerable to the seductive lies of evil.

In Pittsburgh? This doesn't sound like anything that happens in Pittsburgh? What prophets? I'm feeling disconnected, like we've switched stories and now are in a sky land way far away. Any way of tying this into Pittsburgh and her college girl life more?

Professor Aiden Klemenson has been assigned by the Gods to mentor Eliahna. He will try to teach her how to survive the assassination attempts on her life, and to harness the powerful magic that is growing stronger in her body every day. But first he has to convince her that Gods and magic are real. Despite his better judgment, desire flares between them with an enchantment all its own.

The serial killers, demons, and psychopaths sent to destroy Eliahna could care less if she believes in them, they believe in her.

Not getting why it is so hard for such powerful forces to snuff one young lady. I think this needs to be clarified, to increase the believability factor for this query.

What is she thinking and feeling? What does she know? What does she want? How does she act? What is her challenge?

[androidblues]

I understand why she needs to be atheist, but perhaps you could tie this in more with the world filled with gods. In the Candyman(bad example I know) Helen was punished for not believing in him. Is Eliahna punished for not believing in gods? If so please tell us because I am confused as to why they would come after her in particular.

What does it mean to be the chosen on of Odin btw? Not many people know who Odin is. I know that he is a Norse god but why does it have to be him? Perhaps picking a more well known god such as a Greek of Egyptian god would fill in this confusion. If you say that someone is the chosen one of Ares we automatically know that they are the chosen one for war. What is Odin god of and why she would care?

And unless the story absolutely has to take place in Pittsburgh you should either make up a city or make it take place in New York, LA, or Chicago. I need to be blown away by setting if it has to take place in a smaller major city, otherwise I don't care. Stories such as Looking for Alaska and Twilight rely on setting. Other stories like Wicked Lovely do not. I could care less that they were in Huntsville. They might as well have been in any other big city.

Is this like the Historian, because I'm not familiar with Lauren K. Hamilton. And your first line should probably be saved for last. You want to bring the reader into your summary, then hit them with the title and word count.

[Diana Shelton]

I took out the Pittsburgh part of the query. I chose Pittsburgh because I live close to it, and can visit it for scenic refrences. Would Washington DC be a better choice? I'm also familiar with that area and can visit it if need be. I also tried to add some of what she is thinking/feeling, and to clairify a bit. I took out the first sentence since that seemed to be a stumbling block for people, and replaced it with something that is a bit more explanitory about the story. I also tried to emphasise how Aiden is protecting Eliahna, and that she is doing a bit of self-protection too. I hope I didn't confuse everyone even more than they already were! And thank you again for taking the time to go through this. Every version is, I hope, a little bit better with your help.


Version 4

Dear Agent:

College student, Eliahna Shay, has been born with the rare ability to become a Chosen, a secret group of men and women who act as the hand of their patron God on earth. Prophets have foretold her coming, a woman who will be a powerful weapon of the benevolent Gods of Creation. If the wicked Gods of Destruction can break her heart and spirit before she is Chosen, Eliahna will be vulnerable to the seductive lies of evil. And risk being turned into a horrific servant of Destruction.

Formidable Chosen, Professor Aiden Klemenson, has been assigned by the Gods to mentor Eliahna. He will try to teach her how to survive the assassination attempts on her life, and to harness the fierce magic that is growing stronger in her body every day. But first he has to convince her that Gods and magic are real. Despite his better judgment, desire burns between them with an enchantment all its own.

All Eliahna wanted to do was pass her classes, and find a nice guy after dating a string of losers. Instead, with the help of her dangerously handsome Professor, she has to try to attract the attention of a God or Goddess-someone her atheist upbringing insists doesn't exist. Eliahna soon learns that it's hard to argue with the theoretical truth of evil when a demon tries to eat you.

CHOSEN BY THE GODS is a completed 90,000 word urban fantasy with romantic elements, in the vein of Laurell K Hamilton and Kim Harrison.

[androidblues]

College student, Eliahna Shay, has been born with the rare ability to become a Chosen, a secret group of men and women who act as the hand of their patron God on earth. This is a bit confusing. I am unsure if the group is called chosen or if she is a chosen. Perhaps it should be worded, Eliahna Shay, has been born with the rare ability to become a chose, a person part of the secret group known as the [insert group name] who act as the hand of their patron God on earth. I think a good group name is vital in fantasy.Prophets have foretold her coming, a woman who will be a powerful weapon of the benevolent Gods of Creation. Is this like a Harry against Voldemort prophecy? I think it should be worded a little more clearly. Prophets have foretold the coming of a woman who will be a powerful weapon against the Gods of Destruction. In fact I might start the paragraph with this sentence because it gives a more grounded sense of the world. If the wicked Gods of Destruction can break her heart and spirit before she is Chosen, Eliahna will be vulnerable to the seductive lies of evil. And risk being turned into a horrific servant of Destruction.My main problem with fantasy is that I never think the villains are evil. Perhaps you can explain why they are evil? Or at least give what they plan to do once they take over the world.

Formidable Chosen, Professor Aiden Klemenson, has been assigned by the Gods to mentor Eliahna. He will try to teach her how to survive the assassination attempts on her life, and to harness the fierce magic that is growing stronger in her body everyeach day. But first he has toMaybe you can think of another word to go here? It just sounds strange to me. But I'm weird so hey. convince her that Gods and magic are real. Despite his better judgment, desire burns between them with an enchantment all its own.I've never been a fan of teacher/student relationships. I would like if you can explain why passion burns between them, or else I'll think he's a loser who can't get a date with a woman his own age. Unless that's what you're indicating.

All Eliahna wanted to do was pass her classes, and find a nice guy after dating a string of losers. Instead, with the help of her dangerously handsome ProfessorDangerously handsome is sounding kinda like a cliche. Maybe it's because I don't read this type of fiction, but I don't like it when the male leads are described as dangerously, broodingly, or gravely handsome. In fact, I really don't care if he is because that indicates a relationship based entirely off of physical attraction., she has to try to attract the attention of a God or Goddess-someone her atheist upbringing insists doesn't exist. Eliahna soon learns that it's hard to argue with the theoretical truth of evil when a demon tries to eat you.Does it really try to eat her? And what is the theoretical truth of evil? That phrase sounds a little informal when compared to the rest of the query.

CHOSEN BY THE GODS is a completed 90,000 word urban fantasy with romantic elements, in the vein of Laurell K Hamilton and Kim Harrison.

I definitely think this is a vast improvement over your first query. Just a little tweaking and it should be done. I don't even like this sort of literature but I would consider reading it if I were bored.

[Diana Shelton]

Thank you for your feedback andriod. I took your advice and played around with the first paragraph, starting with the sentence that you suggested. I also tried to add some info on how big and bad the big bad guys are, hopefully that gave you the info you were looking for. I took out the desire part, and the mention that he is a professor. In the book he is the young cute professor that all the girls have a crush on, so old pervy man is not what I was going for in the query. ;) I thought about switching the handsome part to good-looking, but I didn't think it was strong enough.

Version 5

Dear Agent:

Prophets have foretold her coming, a woman who will be a powerful weapon against the wicked Gods of Destruction. College student, Eliahna Shay, has been born with the rare ability to become a Chosen, a secret group of men and women who act as the chosen hand of their patron God on earth.

The Gods of Destruction seek to destroy the benevolent Gods of Creation, and obliterate every trace of love and compassion in the world, turning it into a place of terror and chaos. They will try to break Eliahna's heart and spirit before she is Chosen, making her vulnerable to the seductive lies of evil and transforming her into a vicious force of Destruction.

Chosen, Aiden Klemenson, has been assigned by the Gods of Creation to mentor Eliahna. He will try to teach her how to survive the attempts on her life, and to harness the fierce magic insider of her that is growing stronger by the day. But first he must convince her that Gods and magic are real.

All Eliahna wants to do is pass her classes, and find a nice guy after dating a string of losers. Instead, with the aid of her handsome mentor, she has to try to attract the attention of a God or Goddess- someone her atheist upbringing insists doesn't exist. Eliahna soon learns that it's hard to argue about the reality of the supernatural when a demon tries to eat you.

CHOSEN BY THE GODS is a completed 90,000 word urban fantasy with romantic elements, in the vein of Laurell K Hamilton and Kim Harrison.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[androidblues]

This is really awesome now. Just one typo is all, inside of her, not insider of her. Good job :D

[Diana Shelton]

Thank you android. :) I'll probably fuddle with it a bazillion times before I actually send it out. Now its onto the synopsis-urk. That one scares me the most, which is why I saved it for last. ;)