THE REMEDY - 3rd try at page 2 bottom - Women's Fiction

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priya g.
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Re: THE REMEDY -2nd try at page bottom- Women's upmarket fiction

Post by priya g. » October 2nd, 2010, 8:02 am

intruiging idea. just a few tips:

Dear Ms. Agent:

Maggie Cooper is smart and lucky. She always makes the right decisions. Then Will shows up after 20 years AFTER 20 YEARS? WAS HE IN HER LIFE BEFORE? and changes everything. He’s left flaming footprints in the street and she barely recognizes him; a sensible woman like her should turn him down. Maggie chooses one night with Will and she’s not sorry. She’s in love. There’s enough room for Will in her heart because it’s been split BIOLOGICALLY SPLIT? I AM A BIT LOST since the day she was born.

Will finds the women with hearts that match his so he can go on forever. Will’s MAYBE REPLACE WITH 'HE HAS' lived inside the same pattern for so long he’s almost forgotten that he could be anything else WHAT PATTERN? OF BEING WITH WOMEN? A RIGOROUS REGIME?. But he has to follow rules WHAT RULES? WHO HAS SET THEM FOR HIM? WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF BREAKING THEM? to stay like this HOW? YOUNG? HUMAN? NORMAL?, and he hates rules. He’s done living like this AGAIN- WHAT IS 'THIS'?– all he’s ever wanted was to do things his way. It’s taken him this long to figure it out – three times with Maggie THIS IS IMPLYING THAT THEY HAVE HISTORY and her split heart is the charm he needs to slip free.

Will and Maggie need each other, but the cost is getting too high IN WHAT TERMS?. Maggie won’t throw her family away. Old spells and patterns won’t change her mind. Maggie means more to Will than she should; he knows that and he still won’t let go. Will and Maggie are on this road together, but love, hurt, sex and magic don’t come with a map. I LOVE THIS LAST SENTENCE!

THE REMEDY is upmarket women’s fiction and is complete at 75,000 words. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your time.

the two characters are coming out very strong but the conflict is a bit light. still, with a bit rephrasing and playing around with the sequence of sentences, this will become a good query.
hope this helps.

pollymilton
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Re: THE REMEDY - 3rd try at page 2 bottom - Women's Fiction

Post by pollymilton » October 10th, 2010, 5:07 pm

Thanks to everyone for their help. I've been really thinking "what is this book about?" and think I've come up with the answer.

Dear Agent:

Will is trapped. He’s the youngest of the McAndrew brothers, three men who exist mainly for sex, drinking and trouble. They’ve also been living under a spell. The magic is simple—they can live a very long time if they continue finding the women whose hearts match their own. Will can’t see the point of living without changing. As he sees it, they’re real men caught in a foolish cycle. It’s been a long time coming, but Will’s finally figured out how to get free. Will’s greedy or foolish enough to risk everything, but his brothers sure aren’t, and they’ll fight him every step of the way. They’re not ready to give up the only life they know.

Maggie Cooper might have just wrecked her life. She slept with Will. She knows it wasn’t a good choice, but there it is. She’s always done the right thing; married the right man, taken good care of her kids, but the right thing has never filled the space inside her. Something has been missing her whole life, and it seems that something is Will.

Will’s seen Maggie in his dreams since she was born and he knows she’s the one he needs to get out. Sex and magic are distracting, but one bad decision hasn’t changed who Maggie is; she’s got her eyes open. She knows she can’t love two men. She needs to make a choice, and she has the future of two families in her hands.

THE REMEDY is a modern fable about love, magic and the power of family ties and is complete at 75,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

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Severus Lawliet
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Re: THE REMEDY - 3rd try at page 2 bottom - Women's Fiction

Post by Severus Lawliet » October 10th, 2010, 8:06 pm

Dear Agent:

Will is trapped.Wonderful way to start it. He’s the youngest of the McAndrew brothers, three men who exist mainly for sex, drinking and trouble. They’ve also been living under a spell. The magic is simple—they can live a very long time"A very long time" sounds kind of juvenile to me. if they continue finding the women whose hearts match their own.I don't understand this. Hearts match? Will can’t see the point of living without changing.I'm confused. Changing how? Is he staying young? As he sees it, they’re real men caught in a foolish cycle.Okay sentence, but I'm still kind of confused. I'm a little slow :) It’s been a long time coming, but Will’s finally figured out how to get free. Will’s greedy or foolish enough to risk everything, but his brothers sure aren’t, and they’ll fight him every step of the way.Okay. This is nice. They’re not ready to give up the only life they know.This is a nice sentence. Keep it!

Maggie Cooper might have just wrecked her life. She slept with Will. She knows it wasn’t a good choice, but there it is. She’s always done the right thing; married the right man, taken good care of her kids, but the right thing has never filled the space inside her. Something has been missing her whole life, and it seems that something is Will.I like how you introduced Maggie. Although I'm kind of confused. So she's married with kids? Does she get with Will before or after?

Will’s seen Maggie in his dreams since she was born and he knows she’s the one he needs to get out. Sex and magic are distracting, but one bad decision hasn’t changed who Maggie is; she’s got her eyes open. She knows she can’t love two men. She needs to make a choice, and she has the future of two families in her hands.It might be just me, but I don't like this whole paragraph. Sorry. Just my opinion thought.

THE REMEDY is a modern fable about love, magic and the power of family ties and is complete at 75,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I'm no agent, but this is my advice.
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pollymilton
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Re: THE REMEDY - 3rd try at page 2 bottom - Women's Fiction

Post by pollymilton » October 10th, 2010, 8:31 pm

Hey Severus ( I can't believe I just typed that.)
Thank you for your comments. What is it about the last para. that irks you? Does it pull you out of what's been set up, or do you think it doesn't set up the rest of the book?
Thanks.
Polly

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Severus Lawliet
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Re: THE REMEDY - 3rd try at page 2 bottom - Women's Fiction

Post by Severus Lawliet » October 10th, 2010, 8:56 pm

Hey Severus ( I can't believe I just typed that.)
lol, my usernames usually evoke responses of that sort
Thank you for your comments.
No problem. I'd feel guilty if I just started to submit queries without offering suggestions on other people's.
What is it about the last para. that irks you? Does it pull you out of what's been set up, or do you think it doesn't set up the rest of the book?
Thanks.
Polly
What irked me about the last paragraph was the way you mentioned Maggie's relationship with Will, like they couldn't live without eachother. Not that that is a bad thing, but I was under the impression that they'd just had a one night thing going on. Were they friends before? The thing with Maggie thinking that they're was something missing kind of caught me off guard. It's just my opinion of course.
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priya g.
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Re: THE REMEDY - 3rd try at page 2 bottom - Women's Fiction

Post by priya g. » October 23rd, 2010, 12:20 pm

pollymilton wrote: Dear Agent:

Will is trapped. He’s the youngest of the McAndrew brothers, three men who exist mainly for sex, drinking and trouble. PERFECT! They’ve also been living under a spell. THIS IS TOO... BANG ON? I MEAN HOW ABOUT YOU START WITH THE SPELL AND THEN GO ON TO THEM EXISTING FOR SEX, DRINKING AND TROUBLE? The magic is simple—they can live a very long time if they continue finding the women whose hearts match their own. Will can’t see the point of living without changing. CHANGING TO WHAT? I AM STILL A BIT LOST HERE- LIVE LONG TIME IMPLIES THEY LIVE WITHOUT AGING? THEY AGE BUT HAVE LONG LIFE SPAN? As he sees it, they’re real men caught in a foolish cycle. It’s been a long time coming, but Will’s finally figured out how to get free. Will’s greedy or foolish enough to risk everything, but his brothers sure aren’t, and they’ll fight him every step of the way. They’re not ready to give up the only life they know. THIS LAST SENTENCE SEEMS REPETITIVE.

Maggie Cooper might have just wrecked her life. She slept with Will. She knows it wasn’t a good choice, but there it is. She’s always done the right thing; married the right man, taken good care of her kids, but the right thing has never filled the space inside her. Something has been missing her whole life, and it seems that something is Will. GOOD TAKE ON MAGGIE. HOW ABOUT CHOPPING THE ' MIGHT JUST HAVE WRECKED HER LIFE" AND JUMP INTO "MAGGIE HAS ALWAYS...." THEN ONTO THAT "SHE SLEPT WITH WILL" AND THEN SOMETHING HAS BEEN MISSING..."?

Will’s seen Maggie in his dreams since she was born and he knows she’s the one he needs to get out. Sex and magic are distracting, but one bad decision hasn’t changed who Maggie is; she’s got her eyes open. She knows she can’t love two men. She needs to make a choice, and she has the future of two families in her hands. SO AT THIS POINT, WHO IS THE MC- WILL OR HER? AND WHAT DOES THE CONSEQUENCES OF CHOOSING HER FAMILY OVER WILL HAVE? OH AND HOW OLD IS SHE?

THE REMEDY is a modern fable about love, magic and the power of family ties THIS DOESN'T SPECIFY THE GENRE and is complete at 75,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
love the idea here but the introduction of Will is a bit vague! you will get there! waiting for the next draft.

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