First Light query. YA Fantasy

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RebeccaSauve
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First Light query. YA Fantasy

Post by RebeccaSauve » September 27th, 2010, 8:39 pm

This is my first post here, also the first query I've posted anywhere and feedback would be amazing! Critisism is welcome, just nothing that is meant to be mean or insulting to me. Thanks! Anyways here is is, please be nice.



{my info}

Dear {agent},

My name is Rebecca Sauvé, and I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. The sequel Shattered Sunrise is near completion with two more books on the drawing board.

A little about the book: The protagonist, Ashalei, enjoys the life of a normal high school senior and always believed she was just that, a normal teenager. Or, she did until she met Airik. Soon after, she learns that she not only can control the element fire but the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, who appeared once, many years before and destroyed the kingdom of Reitanea.

Given a key, her powers are awakened and she is led to a group who joins her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. The people in this group able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth.

As the series progresses, Ashalei learns more and more about the villain behind of all the Shadowed. Gradually, she begins to recall her forgotten past and remembers her true love.

I would be more then happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Sauvé

Netti
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Re: First Light query. YA Fantasy

Post by Netti » September 27th, 2010, 9:08 pm

RebeccaSauve wrote:This is my first post here, also the first query I've posted anywhere and feedback would be amazing! Critisism is welcome, just nothing that is meant to be mean or insulting to me. Thanks! Anyways here is is, please be nice.



{my info}(First, visit queryshark.com. She'll tell you up and down to put your info at the bottom of the page, not the top.)

Dear {agent},

My name is Rebecca Sauvé, and I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. The sequel Shattered Sunrise is near completion with two more books on the drawing board.(This should go at the end. Also, if this is your debut it would be good for it to work as a stand alone and for you to mention that. Agents generally don't want to take a chance on a debut series that may or may not pan out.)

A little about the book:(Just get into the story.) The protagonist, Ashalei(Last name!), enjoys the life of a normal high school senior and always believed she was just that, a normal teenager(Sorry, this already sounds cliche.). Or, she did until she met Airik. Soon after, she learns that she not only can control the element fire but the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, who appeared once, many years before and destroyed the kingdom of Reitanea. (Are we on Earth? Another planet? Another world? It'd be helpful to have a more specific setting.)

Given a key, her powers are awakened and she is led to a group who joins her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. The people in this group able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth.(Be more specific here. From what you say later is sounds like the "Shadowed" is a group but when I first read it I thought it was just one thing. And what does the key have to do with her powers? What's so special about it?)

As the series progresses, Ashalei learns more and more about the villain behind of all the Shadowed. Gradually, she begins to recall her forgotten past and remembers her true love.(What's this about a forgotten past? It seems pretty random.)

I would be more then happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Sauvé

Hope I was helpful!
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Re: First Light query. YA Fantasy

Post by Preacher » September 28th, 2010, 12:31 pm

First things first. Definitely move the info you started with to the end of the query. The agent knows you are looking for representation. That is the purpose of the letter on his or her desk.

Also, dont say protagonist, just start and give us the character's name, first and last. We learn two things early, that our heroine can control fire and that there is going to be an attack. How does the other character fit in? Does he or she tell the heroine about her power? Why does he tell her? We know the Shadowed are going to attack and presumably her power over fire is going to be necessary to repel and defeat the Shadowed horde.

We have the invading fleet and then they disappear in the next paragraph. We need to learn about them. Why are they invading? What will they do if they win? What happens to our heroine if her side loses. The stuff about forgotten past and love kind of appears without any build-up or notice. If it has an important part, give us some background so we can follow. Try and layer the events so that one flows right into the next.

Also, dont say as the series progresses. Stick with the story you are trying to sell right now.

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Re: First Light query. YA Fantasy

Post by thewhipslip » September 28th, 2010, 1:52 pm

This is all tell and now show. This is your first opportunity to show an agent 1) what your story is about, and 2) your style of writing - so have fun with this. Infuse it with some action and adventure and MAKE the agent want to read more. My suggestions below:

{my info}

Dear {agent},

My name is Rebecca Sauvé, and I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. The sequel Shattered Sunrise is near completion with two more books on the drawing board.Agents prefer that you leave any sequels out of the query. This book should be stand-alone, especially if you're a debut author

A little about the book:Don't tell us that you're about to tell us about the book. Just tell us. The protagonist, Ashalei, enjoys the life of a normal high school senior and always believed she was just that, a normal teenagerThis reads kind of cliched to me: the normal girl who realizes that she isn't normal. Give us something more specific about Ashalei. What makes her a unique character?. Or, she did until she met Airik. Soon after, she learns that she not only can control the element fire but the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed Did she have no inkling that she controlled fire before? Any incidents with a dog set on fire by accident? Those are the kind of details that will give this more intrigue, who appeared once, many years before and destroyed the kingdom of Reitanea You mention high school before - so is Reitanea in another world? I would specify where Ashalei lives and where Reitanea is located.

Given a key, her powers are awakened and she is led to a group who joins her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. The people in this group able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth.

As the series progresses, Ashalei learns more and more about the villain behind of all the Shadowed Tell us who the villain is. That's key. Gradually, she begins to recall her forgotten past and remembers her true love This is a little vague as well.

I would be more then happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Sauvé[/quote]
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!

RebeccaSauve
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Re: First Light query {revised}. YA Fantasy

Post by RebeccaSauve » September 28th, 2010, 7:05 pm

Dear {agent} ,

If not remembering your past is bad then Ashalei’s life is about to become hell. All she wanted was for things to go back to normal after her accident but, she soon meets Airik and he tells her she can control the element fire and make it do whatever she pleases. She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy until it destroyed them and they became evil. The Shadowed appeared once, many years before and destroyed the kingdom of Reitanea, a secret community for those who have abilities to control the four natural elements.

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens, who joins her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. These teens are also able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth. While trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances and getting ready for prom and to top it off trying to save the world, Ashalei learns more and more about the villain behind all of the Shadowed.

My name is Rebecca Sauvé, and I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. I would be more then happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Sauvé



{my info}

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HillaryJ
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Re: First Light query {revised}. YA Fantasy

Post by HillaryJ » September 29th, 2010, 12:55 am

RebeccaSauve wrote:Dear {agent} ,

If not remembering your past is bad then Ashalei’s life is about to become hell. [Catchy start]

All she wanted was for things to go back to normal after her accident but, she soon meets Airik and he tells her she can control the element fire and make it do whatever she pleases. She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy until it destroyed them and they became evil. The Shadowed appeared once, many years before and destroyed the kingdom of Reitanea, a secret community for those who have abilities to control the four natural elements. [My unscientific estimate is that 15% of all contemporary fantasy queries begin with "all s/he wanted was to go back to normal/for things to be normal again". (I'm guilty of using it in my first query, too).That may be what your heroine wants, but don't start with that. I think it makes agents' eyes glaze over.]

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens, who joins her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. These teens are also able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth. While trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances and getting ready for prom and to top it off trying to save the world, Ashalei learns more and more about the villain behind all of the Shadowed.

{my info}
Ah, I see what thewhipslip is saying, and concur. You're telling us about the story which is preventing you from infusing the query with tone and voice. Think of the query as a miniature telling of the story. It's difficult to query fantasy because you're including the unique systems and elements of your world with plot and character development. But it's not impossible.

This query is currently too heavy on dry information: This is the world. Here's how it works. Here's how my MC fits into it. We learn nothing about Ashalei as a person, how she feels when she learns these things, whether it hurts or feels glorious to control her element, and whether she loses touch with her "normal" friends as she is drawn into this new facet of her life.

I also don't see her personally invested in any conflict. The battle to save the world seems dispassionately thrown in. She wishes things were normal. She's learning, she's learning...then she's led somewhere. I see an attempt at humor and voice at the end with the juxtaposition of "trying to save the world" with college applications and prom, but I'm not feeling it. Give us some energy. Give us something unique in your MC. I'm sure you've got a great story in there, but this query doesn't make me feel like I'm about to read something awesome.

Some resources (and they're free!):

http://www.queryshark.blogspot.com - How to Make a Query Great
http://www.guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog - Scroll down the left-hand side to "Successful Queries" to see what about certain queries grabs agents' attention.
http://www.deadlinedames.com/?p=416 - An urban fantasy query that pops (plus the lovely author is kind enough to explain why she wrote it this way). Yours doesn't have to be like this, but you need to take a look at something that's currently on the opposite end of the spectrum from yours.

Good luck!
Blog http://www.hillaryjacques.blogspot.com
Twitter http://www.twitter.com/hillaryjacques
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as Regan Summers - The Night Runner series from Carina Press

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Re: First Light query {revised}. YA Fantasy

Post by thewhipslip » September 29th, 2010, 9:34 am

If not remembering your past is bad Too much negativity in this opening: "not" and "bad"then Ashalei’s life is about to become hell. All she wanted was for things to go back to normal after her accident but, she soon meets Airik and he tells her she can control the element fire and make it do whatever she pleases I would drop "make it do wahtever she pleases", since it's the same thing as "control". She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy which is...?until it destroyed them and they became evil. The Shadowed appeared once, many years before and destroyed the kingdom of Reitanea, a secret community for those who have abilities to control the four natural elements.

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens, who joins her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. These teens are also able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth. While trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances and getting ready for prom and to top it off trying to save the world, Ashalei learns more and more about the villain behind all of the Shadowed. I'm not clear on 1) how the Shadowed are a threat, and 2) why she has time to go to school and live her life, etc...If the Shadowed are "about to attack", why don't they just attack already?

My name is Rebecca Sauvé, and I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. I would be more then happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested You can cut this - obviously you'd love to send them the MS. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Sauvé



{my info}[/quote]
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!

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First Light query {revised again}. YA Fantasy

Post by RebeccaSauve » September 30th, 2010, 10:53 am

Dear ,

If not remembering your past is bad then Ashalei Callister’s life is about to become hell. Confused about flashbacks she’s getting that seem like memories, but are from another era, memories about fighting, or loving somebody and hoping to be married, and memories of dying. She soon meets Airik, who tells her she can control the element fire. She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy until it destroyed them and they became evil. The Shadowed appeared once, many years before and destroyed the kingdom of Reitanea, a secret community for those who have abilities to control the four natural elements.

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens, who join her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. These teens are also able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth. The rule that comes with these powers are nobody can know you have them, if somebody finds out the punishment is death, so while trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances and getting ready for prom and to top it off trying to save the world, Ashalei learns more and more about the rogue behind all of the Shadowed.

My name is Rebecca Sauvé, and I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. I would be more then happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Sauvé



{my info}

Awriter
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Re: First Light query {revised again}. YA Fantasy

Post by Awriter » September 30th, 2010, 2:21 pm

RebeccaSauve wrote:Dear ,

If not remembering your past is bad then Ashalei Callister’s life is about to become hell. Confused about flashbacks she’s getting that seem like memories, but are from another era, memories about fighting, or loving somebody and hoping to be married, and memories of dying.[[I'm not sure what it is Bec, but I don't really see how these two sentences connect. She's having memories, and then she's meeting Airik. I might just be me though :P She soon meets Airik, who tells her she can control the element fire. She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy until it destroyed them and they became evil. The Shadowed appeared once, many years before and destroyed the kingdom of Reitanea, a secret community for those who have abilities to control the four natural elements.Where is Reitanea? Where is the book set? It's kind of confusing right here. Is it set on earth in present day or is it set in some fantasy land with a place called Reitanea?

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens, who join her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. These teens are also able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth. The rule that comes with these powers are nobody can know you have them, if somebody finds out the punishment is death, so while trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances and getting ready for prom and to top it off trying to save the world, Ashalei learns more and more about the rogue behind all of the Shadowed.So why is it so urgent she has to destroy the Shadowed? If its so urgent why is she worrying about highschool?

My name is Rebecca Sauvé, and I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. I would be more then happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Sauvé

The other thing I'm seeing again is that you are telling and not really showing a lot in the query.



{my info}

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First Light query {revision 3} . YA Fantasy

Post by RebeccaSauve » September 30th, 2010, 3:25 pm

Dear ,

If not remembering your past is bad then Ashalei Callister’s life is about to become hell. Confused about flashbacks she’s getting that seem like memories, but are from another era, memories about fighting, or loving somebody and hoping to be married, and memories of dying.

She soon meets Airik, he tells her she can control the element fire. She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy until it destroyed them and they became evil. The shadows are lead by Aexciea, who was mistaken for a human at birth and given away, living her life in an abusive home she watched as her older twin sister, who could control an element, grew up around peers and family that cherished her.

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens who join her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. These teens are also able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth. The rule that comes with these powers are nobody can know you have them, if somebody finds out the punishment is death, so while trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances and getting ready for prom and to top it off trying to save the world, Ashalei learns more and more about Aexciea, and why she wants to eliminate Ashalei’s kind.

My name is Rebecca Sauvé, and I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. I would be more then happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Sauvé



{my info}

Netti
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Re: First Light query {revision 3} . YA Fantasy

Post by Netti » October 1st, 2010, 11:59 am

RebeccaSauve wrote:Dear ,

If not remembering your past is bad then Ashalei Callister’s life is about to become hell. Confused about flashbacks she’s getting that seem like memories, but are from another era, memories about fighting, or loving somebody and hoping to be married, and memories of dying. (The beginning of this sentence makes the entire thing sound like a fragment. Also, I think your punctuation is a little off but that's not my strong point so I'm not sure.)

She soon meets Airik, he who tells her she can control the element fire. She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy until it destroyed them and they became evil. The shadows(Should this be capitalized like it is at other places?) are lead by Aexciea(Did the adoptive family giver her that name?), who was mistaken for a human at birth and given away, living her life in an abusive home she watched as her older twin sister(If they're twins just say so. In the query we don't need to know which is older and putting "older" and "twin" right next to each other just makes it confusing.), who could control an element, grew up around peers and family that cherished her. (I would recommend splitting the last sentence into two separate sentences. For example: The shadows are led by Aexciea, who was mistaken for a human at birth and given away. She lived her life in an abusive home and watched as her sister... You get the idea. Also, you just switched from Ashalei's POV to Aexciea's.)

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens who join her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. These teens are also able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth. The rule that comes with these powers are nobody can know you have them. If somebody finds out the punishment is death. So while trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances, and getting ready for prom and to top it off trying to saving the world, Ashalei learns more and more about Aexciea, and why she wants to eliminate Ashalei’s kind.

My name is Rebecca Sauvé, andI am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. I would be more than happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Sauvé



{my info}
"It's kind of shocking to hear Toby called a babe; sort of like calling God a studmuffin."
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priya g.
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Re: First Light query. YA Fantasy

Post by priya g. » October 1st, 2010, 12:20 pm

There has been a definite improvement with each draft that you have posted and thats a feat in itself!


If not remembering your past is bad then Ashalei Callister’s life is about to become hell. Confused about flashbacks she’s getting that seem like memories, but are from another era, memories about fighting, or loving somebody and hoping to be married, and memories of dying USE A HYPHEN, EG: SHE CANT SEPARATE HER THOUGHTS FROM MEMORIES, BECAUSE COULD A TEENAGER HAVE DONE IT ALL- FOUGHT, FALLEN IN LOVE AND EVEN DIED?.

She soon meets Airik, he tells her she can control the element fire. She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed HOW? FROM AIRIK? DOES SHE FIND OUT BECAUSE OF LEARNING OF HER POWERS?, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy DID THE SAME GIVE HER SPECIAL POWERS TOO? until it destroyed them and they became evil HOW ABOUT 'AND MADE THEM EVIL'?. The shadows are lead by Aexciea, who was mistaken for a human at birth and given away, living her life in an abusive home she watched as her older twin sister, who could control an element, grew up around peers and family that cherished herHOW DOES THIS RELATE TO THE STORY? YOU CAN INCORPORATE IT BY SHOWING WHAT MADE AEXCIEA THE WAY SHE IS. ALONE, THIS SENTENCE SEEMS OUT OF PLACE.

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens who join her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed. These teens are also able to control the elements Water, Wind and Earth HOW ABOUT 'TOGETHER, THE FOUR CAN CONTROL THE MOST POWERFUL ELEMENTS- FIRE, WATER, WIND AND EARTH. The rule that comes with these powers are nobody can know you have them, if somebody finds out the punishment is death IS THIS NECESSARY?, so while trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances and getting ready for prom and to top it off trying to save the world, Ashalei learns more and more about Aexciea, and why she wants to eliminate Ashalei’s kind.I THINK THIS IS TOO THICK A BUNDLE. HOW ABOUT 'SO WHILE PRETENDING TO BE THE TEENAGER THAT FITS IN AND TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD, ASHALEI HAS TO STAND FIRM ON HER DECISION, THAT OF DESTROYING AEXCIEA'S KIND.

My name is Rebecca Sauvé , and I am seeking representation THIS PART IS OBVIOUS- INCLUDING YOUR NAME. SKIP TO' FIRST LIGHT IS A YOUNG ADULT FANTAST NOVEL, COMPLETE AT APPROXIMATELY 51,000 WORDS. THANK...' for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. I would be more then happy to send you sample pages or the complete manuscript if you are interested. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Sauvé

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First Light query {revison 4}. YA Fantasy

Post by RebeccaSauve » October 8th, 2010, 10:03 pm

Dear {agent},

If not remembering your past is bad then Ashalei Callister’s life is about to become hell. Confused about flashbacks she’s been getting that seem like memories, but are from another era; where girls wore corsets and long gowns with their hair done up magnificently. She remembers fighting, of loving somebody and hoping to be married, and dying. She soon meets Airik, who tells her she can control the element fire. She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy until it destroyed them and they became evil.

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens that join her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed, (a group lead Aexciea, who was mistaken for a human at birth and given away. Living her life in an abusive home she watched as her twin sister, who could control an element, grew up around peers and family that cherished her). Together the four teens are also able to control the most powerful elements Water, Wind, Fire and Earth. The rule that comes with these powers, nobody can know you have them. If somebody finds out the punishment is death. So while trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances, getting ready for prom and saving the world, Ashalei learns more and more about Aexciea, and why she wants to eliminate Ashalei’s kind.

I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca M Sauvé

{my info}

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Re: First Light query {revison 4}. YA Fantasy

Post by Natasha » October 9th, 2010, 12:46 pm

I'm not the greatest at this but here goes. My 2cents in the bold.
RebeccaSauve wrote:Dear {agent},

If not remembering your past is bad then Ashalei Callister’s life is about to become hell. Confused about flashbacks she’s been getting that seem like memories, but are from another era; where girls wore corsets and long gowns with their hair done up magnificently the wording here is a bit confusing and i think its because the sentence is a bit lengthy. Perhaps it would sound better as: Confused about flashback she's been getting that seem like memories from another era--where girls wore corseats and long gowns... looking back over it, it's a fragment sentence so you probably just need to reword the sentence altogether. She remembers fighting, of loving somebody and hoping to be married, and dying I think you should take out of. I threw me off.. She soon meets Airik, who tells her she can control the element fire. She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy until it destroyed them and they became evil ha! interesting!.

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens that join her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed, (a group lead Aexciea, who was mistaken for a human at birth and given away. Living her life in an abusive home she watched as her twin sister, who could control an element, grew up around peers and family that cherished her) This confused me. Do you mean lead by Aexiciea? I'm kind of unsure who you are talking about the sentence after that. It's Aexciea you're talking about or is that the groups name?. Together the four teens are also able to control the most powerful elements Water, Wind, Fire and Earth. The rule that comes with these powers, nobody can know you have them. If somebody finds out the punishment is death. So while trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances, getting ready for prom and saving the world, Ashalei learns more and more about Aexciea, and why she wants to eliminate Ashalei’s kind Wait I thought they were about to go on this big adventure? Is this all going on while they're in highschool? For me it just threw me off in understanding the conflict. Maybe reconstruct this line and use it as a hook at the top?.

I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca M Sauvé

{my info}
I LIKE THIS. SOUNDS VERY COOL. I'm sure others can give you better criticism. I just try. Not the best at this though/ :)

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Re: First Light query {revison 4}. YA Fantasy

Post by priya g. » October 9th, 2010, 5:21 pm

RebeccaSauve wrote:Dear {agent},

If not remembering your past is bad then Ashalei Callister’s life is about to become hell. Confused about flashbacks she’s been getting that seem like memories, but are from another era; where girls wore corsets and long gowns with their hair done up magnificently. She remembers fighting, of loving somebody and hoping to be married, and dying PERFECT BEGINNING. She soon meets Airik, who tells her she can control the element fire THIS SEEMS TO BE RANDOMLY THROWN IN. LINK IT TO THE PAST. She also learns the world is about to be attacked by the Shadowed, a group of people who have been injected with large doses of spirit energy until it destroyed them and they became evil SO HOW DOES THIS CONNECT TO THE FLASHBACKS? ARE THE SHADOWED RELATED TO THE ELEMENTS SHE CAN CONTROL?.

Airik presents Ashalei with a key to draw out her powers. She is then led to three other teens that join her in her battle to destroy the Shadowed, (a group lead BY ?Aexciea, who was mistaken for a human at birth and given away. Living her life in an abusive home she watched as her twin sister, who could control an element, grew up around peers and family that cherished her ) IS THE HISTORY OF AEXCIEA REALLY IMPORTANT? PICK ONLY THAT BACKGROUND WHICH IS EXTREMELY NECESSARY OR THIS SEEMS LIKE INFORMATION OVERLOAD. Together the four teens are also able to control the most powerful elements Water, Wind, Fire and Earth. The rule that comes with these powers, nobody can know you have them IS THIS RULE NECESSARY FROM ALL OTHERS?. If somebody finds out the punishment is death. So while trying to balance high school, university deadlines, budding romances, getting ready for prom and saving the world, Ashalei learns more and more about Aexciea, and why she wants to eliminate Ashalei’s kind.

I am seeking representation for my young adult fantasy novel, First Light, complete at approximately 51 000 words. Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Rebecca M Sauvé

{my info}

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