Preacher's Blood Query attempt

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Preacher
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Preacher's Blood Query attempt

Post by Preacher » September 26th, 2010, 11:47 pm

here is a first attempt at a query for a new story.


A strange woman tells Gavin Preacher his missing sister is alive and needs his help before it's too late but before he can get more answers she commits suicide.

Preacher meets M ayori, the dead girl's sister, and they connect both girls to a fertility clinic owned by a wealthy businessman called Carter Rainey. Rainey is making infertile girls fertile through an experimental procedure and then taking their babies and selling them on the black market. The procedure makes the girls suicidal. When Preacher starts to close the net on Rainey, Mayori is kidnapped.

Preacher launches a one-man assault on Rainey's private Island to save both girls before they become victims.

Netti
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Re: Preacher's Blood Query attempt

Post by Netti » September 27th, 2010, 8:25 am

Preacher wrote:here is a first attempt at a query for a new story.


A strange woman tells Gavin Preacher his missing sister is alive and needs his help before it's too late but before he can get more answers she commits suicide.(After reading the full story I got that the woman who dies is not his sister. This could use clarification because it made the rest of the query confusing.)

Preacher meets M ayori, the dead girl's sister, and they connect both girls to a fertility clinic owned by a wealthy businessman called Carter Rainey. Rainey is making infertile girls fertile through an experimental procedure and then taking their babies and selling them on the black market. The procedure makes the girls suicidal(Are they suicidal because of the psychological trauma or is there something in the medication?). When Preacher starts to close the net on Rainey, Mayori is kidnapped.

Preacher launches a one-man assault on Rainey's private Island to save both girls before they become victims.
I didn't find your query particularly interesting, although the idea itself is. You could use some more detail here to keep it less confusing and make us care more about the characters. Good luck!
"It's kind of shocking to hear Toby called a babe; sort of like calling God a studmuffin."
- Margaret Atwood, Year of the Flood

http://myscientificattempt.blogspot.com/

WilliamMJones
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Re: Preacher's Blood Query attempt

Post by WilliamMJones » September 27th, 2010, 6:00 pm

Preacher wrote:here is a first attempt at a query for a new story.


A strange woman tells Gavin Preacher his missing sister is alive and needs his help before it's too late but before he can get more answers she commits suicide. I would break this up if I were you. It tool me a few reads to figure out what it was saying. And you use the word before twice in the first sentance. Also, a little more detail would help. Tell us something about Preacher. Why should we care about him?

Preacher meets M ayori, the dead girl's sister, and they connect both girls to a fertility clinic owned by a wealthy businessman called Carter Rainey. Rainey is making infertile girls fertile through an experimental procedure and then taking their babies and selling them on the black market. The procedure makes the girls suicidal. When Preacher starts to close the net on Rainey, Mayori is kidnapped. How is Preacher going to close the net? What does he do to trap the man?

Preacher launches a one-man assault on Rainey's private Island to save both girls before they become victims. A little more detail please? Do you mean he went in with guns and pulled a schwarzenegger style rescue? How did he pull it off?

Write2Me
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Re: Preacher's Blood Query attempt

Post by Write2Me » September 27th, 2010, 8:23 pm

a typical 'concise' query is 250 words or less...i would say that you should really expand on the details. It has to sound enticing like the back of a book at a bookstore...right now it sounds like an idea tossed around but not fully developed..

Preacher
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Re: Preacher's Blood Query attempt

Post by Preacher » September 28th, 2010, 12:10 am

Gavin Preacher can't make peace with his sister's disappearance, but with no clues or information he's trying to learn to live with it. He's funneled his frustration and energy into a job as a social worker, giving others hope where he has none. A month later a strange woman appears at his job and says that Sara is alive and needs his help before it's too late. She commits suicide before he can get more answers.

False hope is dangerous to a desperate man like Preacher but he can't afford to dismiss the woman's ravings. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he did. He can't take that chance. He loves his sister and would follow any trail to get her back, no matter the cost. So he revisits the circumstances surrounding Sara's disappearance and finds a clue that was missed: she was a patient at a fertility clinic owned by businessman Carter Rainey. Further digging uncovers a black market baby selling ring that uses an experimental therapy to make infertile women fertile. The treatment leaves the women mentally unstable and suicidal, and Sara is next.

Preacher launches an all-out, one man commando style raid on Rainey's private island to rescue Sara before she receives the treatment and is lost to him for good this time.

ABFTomioka
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Re: Preacher's Blood Query attempt

Post by ABFTomioka » September 28th, 2010, 2:29 am

Hello!
This sounds like an exciting story, but scary! It will definitely appeal to people who like a thrilling read. I only have a few suggestions for your query, though it does a good job so far telling just enough of the story to hook the reader.

Gavin Preacher can't make peace with his sister's disappearance, but with no clues or information he's trying to learn to live with it. I really like this opening, but it might be worth saying how long she has been missing...it seems like not too long when I read further on. He funnels (present tense is best for a query, I think) his frustration and energy into a job as a social worker, giving others hope where he has none (great!). Then a strange woman appears at his job saying Sara is alive and needs his help before it's too late. She commits suicide before he can get more answers. Gah! I read this last sentance and got a shock! Maybe delete it, so as not to scare people off...you mention the suicidal part later on, where it fits. It might be too early to bring it up here.

False hope is dangerous but Preacher can't afford to dismiss the woman's ravings. He will follow any trail to get his sister back, no matter the cost. Revisiting the circumstances surrounding Sara's disappearance, he finds an overlooked clue: she was a patient at an experimental fertility clinic (you don't need to mention the businessman here, I think...he's not the important character and it clutters up the story, maybe. owned by businessman Carter Rainey.) Further digging uncovers a black market baby-selling ring that uses an untested therapy to restore fertility. But the treatment leaves women mentally unstable and suicidal, and Sara is next (in line to receive it?).

Preacher launches an all-out, one man commando style raid on Rainey's private island to rescue Sara before she receives the treatment and is lost to him for good this time. I like the ideas you're introducing here, but I wonder if you couldn't reword it a bit....for example: Preacher tracks the clinic to a businessman's private island and prepares a one-man attack. He will stop at nothing to rescue Sara before she receives the deadly treatment, and is lost for good.

Great ideas here - best of luck with the querying!

Preacher
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Re: Preacher's Blood Query attempt

Post by Preacher » September 28th, 2010, 10:54 am

It really feels like i a onto something here. I think the ideas are in place, maybe they need a little polishing is all. Let's see

Dear Agent:

Gavin Preacher just can't make peace with his sister's disappearance thirty days ago, but with no clues, no leads, and no witnesses he's trying to learn to accept it. He funnels his frustration and energy into a job as a social worker, giving hope where he has none. Then a strange woman appears saying that Sara is alive and needs his help before it's too late. She commits suicide before he can get more answers.

False hope is a dangerous thing but Preacher can't afford to dismiss the woman's ravings. He will follow any trail to get his sister back, no matter where it leads, no matter the cost. So he revisits the circumstances surrounding Sara's disappearance and finds a clue that was overlooked: she was a patient at a fertility clinic. Further digging uncovers a black market baby selling ring that uses an experimental therapy to restore fertility. But the treatment leaves the women mentally unstable and suicidal, and Sara is next in line to receive it.

Preacher tracks the clinic to a private island owned by businessman Carter Rainey and launches a one-man assault to rescue Sara before she receives the treatment, and is lost to him for good.

Preacher
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Re: Preacher's Blood Query attempt

Post by Preacher » September 29th, 2010, 10:48 am

i had an attempt at this in the previous post, but i did some checking and reading and maybe i had too much detail about emotions and such and it kind of bogged down the initial hook that is needed. Maybe some other things did not exactly make sense, so i looked at those things and tried to make a better revision.

Let's see what you guys think now. It really does feel like i might be close. At least i hope i am.

Dear Agent:

Gavin Preacher's sister disappeared thirty days ago, and with no clues or witnesses he's short on hope -until a strange, paranoid woman shows up at his job saying Sara is alive and needs help, but before he can get more answers she jumps off the roof.

False hope is a dangerous thing but Preacher can't afford to dismiss the woman's ravings. So he checks her apartment and finds out she was a patient at a fertility clinic. Knowing that Sara had desperately wanted a baby, he revisits the circumstances surrounding her disappearance and finds out she was a patient at the same clinic. and that they are using experimental fertility treatments that render the women mentally unstable and suicidal.

Preacher traces the clinic to a private island owned by unscrupulous businessman Carter Rainey and unleashes a one-man rescue mission to save Sara before she receives the treatment, and is lost for good.

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