The End Begins: A Science Fiction Novel [Sixth Draft]

[jzweig]

Yep, it's reading like a synopsis rather than an teaser. To me at least. And there are far too many terms to wrap my poor brain around (emergency wormhole device, C.U.T. outposts, decaying moral), while I'm trying to decide whether or not to ask for the full meal (your manuscript).

Could you give it to me as a single grilled meaty bone, an appetizer, with a taste of the book's special marinade?

Yeah I realized after reading it over with your notes in mind that's very meaty for a query. I think a lot of what you've got in there is very valid, thus back to the drawing board for me :D

[jzweig]

So I'm trying Nathan's query mad lib formula and see if I'm going in the right direction. Much shorter and hopefully compelling :)

Raiana Draco is an alchemist runt living in a closed magic driven community. But when her elders sell out their youth to a warring nation to harvest the crystals that give them their power, Rai must rise up and bring down her leaders to save them from extinction.

[Quill]

Raiana Draco is an alchemist runt living in a closed magic driven community. But when her elders sell out their youth to a warring nation to harvest the crystals that give them their power, Rai must rise up and bring down her leaders to save them from extinction.

Why MUST Rai do this? Why Rai? One person must rise up? Rise up to bring down?

Why would elders sell the youth? The elders would really doom their own race to extinction? For what? Gold?

What is an alchemist runt? A very short alchemist? Does physical height matter where alchemy is concerned?

What is a community that is "closed magic driven"? Do you mean "closed, magic-driven"? And closed in what way, I wonder. Insular, like a kibbutz? Gated, like a castle?

Why are we underlining?

[jzweig]

Trying to add to some of the themes of that brief I posted, but I hope I do a better job of conveying the story, while excising the unnecessary.

Quill, you're posts have been very insightful and stimulating, and only motivates me to keep trying. So here goes, without underlining:

Raiana Draco thought The Nine was an academy created for the expressed purpose of training its students of the magically inclined. She never would have thought that her father, long gone from her life, was responsible for merging human flesh with a synthetic crystal to produce their magnificent power. On top of that, then made a permanent trading agreement - to harvest the crystals from the students for “protection” from the outside world.

With the truth discovered, she escapes to the United States. Hunted by the academy in a world nearly devoid of magic, she survives by soliciting her services to a military alliance that wage a secret war against her people’s oppressor.

THE END BEGINS is a 90,000 science fiction novel that follows Rai’s travels as fatigue, persecution, and traitorous minds pushes her limits as her people die from the crystal extraction process that only her father has the answers to stop.