Query--BOOK OF SHADOWS, Horror

[arbraun]

This is the first time I've posted this query for feedback, but not my first time in the forums here.

Dear agent,

When Kaitidid Rogers’s parents are beheaded in a car crash, her mind shuts down. Discovering telepathic and psychokinetic powers in the hospital’s mental ward doesn’t help matters either.

Or does it?

Hoping extreme faith will heal their bereaved hearts, her older sister takes her to an Apostolic Pentecostal church. But when Alex Benson, the man of Kaitidid’s dreams, walks into the sanctuary, she develops a crush on him that soon turns to love. Bored with Christianity and the congregation’s hypocrisy, she unknowingly develops a father fixation. If she has to turn to Wicca and use her powers to seduce him—discovering she also has the gift of teleportation—then that’s exactly what she’ll do.

Kaitidid goes into a rage when Alex finds a girlfriend, a third-degree Wiccan priestess and the owner of a new age store, Mother Nature’s Sacred Space. Stalking him and hurling sharp objects at his woman with her mind, Kaitidid’s determined to break up their relationship. Lucky for her, Drucilla isn’t psychokinetic. When she finds out about Alex’s private hell after taking pictures of him on their date at the park, noticing Kaitidid in the background of every one, she rushes home to cast a counter spell against her. Before she can cast the spell, Kaitidid uses psychokinesis to make Drucilla spontaneously combust.

Now Alex has the fight of his life on his hands: Either get rid of a schoolgirl with a dangerous talent, or suffer a prison sentence.

BOOK OF SHADOWS is a completed 68,000-word horror manuscript with an erotic twist, similar to novels such as SPIRIT by Graham Masterson and LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov. I have ten short story publications, plus a chapter of a guidebook soon to be released. I plan to read my own audio books, as well as promote the novel extensively on the Internet and through book tours.

I appreciate your time in considering my query. Please give me the opportunity to submit the complete work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

A. R. Braun

[D.S. Deshaw]

Hello! Thanks for putting up your query :) I have suggestions below, but this is a good start!

Dear agent,

When Kaitidid Rogers’s parents are beheaded in a car crash, her mind shuts down. Discovering telepathic and psychokinetic powers in the hospital’s mental ward doesn’t help matters either. What does her mind shutting down and discovering these powers have to do with each other? Is she stuck in a catatonic state? And what matters are there to help? The phrase 'help matters' is a big overused and lacks impact in my opinion :(

Or does it? I'm not really fond of rhetoric questions, and your query doesn't need it :) It's good without this line.

Hoping extreme faith will heal their bereaved hearts, her older sister takes her to an Apostolic Pentecostal church. This line would be stronger in reverse order: Her older sister takes her to... church... hoping extreme faith will... But when Alex Benson, the man of Kaitidid’s dreams, walks into the sanctuary, she develops a crush on him that soon turns to love. Why not just say she falls in love with him? Bored with Christianity and the congregation’s hypocrisy these two things seem to come out of no where?, she unknowingly develops a father fixation what???? This kind of seems to come out of left field. If she has to turn to Wicca and use her powers to seduce him—discovering she also has the gift of teleportation—then that’s exactly what she’ll do. It seems weird to give her another new ability--and these abilities are really unexplained. Are they just naturally occurring in this world or is it something else?

Kaitidid goes into a rage when Alex finds a girlfriend, a third-degree Wiccan priestess and the owner of a new age store, Mother Nature’s Sacred Space. Does the store have anything to do with it? I'm also left a bit confused about what a 'third-degree Wiccan priestess' is :( You haven't explained this and so it means nothing to me besides the fact that she's also a Wiccan Stalking him and hurling sharp objects at his woman with her mind, Kaitidid’s determined to break up their relationship. This sentence might be better reversed as well. Sentences like this are a 'Yoda Sentence.' I would suggest simplifying it to: Kaitidid's determined to break up their relationship. Lucky for her, Drucilla isn’t psychokinetic. Why? When she finds out about Alex’s private hell after taking pictures of him on their date at the park, noticing Kaitidid in the background of every one Kaitidid is not good at hiding? Why would she be in every photograph? I also think you might've switched perspectives right here, from Kaitidid to Drucilla, she rushes home to cast a counter spell against her. Before she can cast the spell, Kaitidid uses psychokinesis to make Drucilla spontaneously combust. She killed her? I'm not sure a likable character would kill someone out of jealousy?

Now Alex has the fight of his life on his hands: Either get rid of a schoolgirl with a dangerous talent, or suffer a prison sentence. I think this is another perspective shift. It also begs the question of whether or not this is about Kaitidid pursuing Alex or if it is about Alex dealing with her. I'm left a bit confused...

BOOK OF SHADOWS is a completed 68,000-word horror manuscript maybe novel? with an erotic twist an erotic twist? I didn't see that in the query, similar to novels such as SPIRIT by Graham Masterson and LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov Isn't LOLITA a bit legendary? A lot of people advice against comparing your own book to something so coveted--it might come across wrong to someone else. I have ten short story publications, plus a chapter of a guidebook soon to be released. I plan to read my own audio books, as well as promote the novel extensively on the Internet and through book tours.

I appreciate your time in considering my query. Please give me the opportunity to submit the complete work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

A. R. Braun

I think you've done a great job putting the bare facts down, but I think it can be narrowed a bit further. I think some of your sentences could be tightened up, too. But if you can tell us more about these powers and this world that you've created, I think you'd have a very interesting query. What you have now seems very, very plot-driven. It almost feels like you tell us everything that happens. I also don't really like Kaitidid at the end of the query because of what she does to Drucilla and Alex. It seems a bit inhumane, and I don't see how your protagonist can be so unlikeable (she is for me, at least, it might be different for someone else). I'd like to see a more likable side of her in your query so I can see her rational for her actions. You did a good job condensing on this first go, though :) I just think you need to turn some of these concrete story summary sentences into things that explain Kaitidid as a person, and spend some time explaining some of the terms you've used so we can get into your world.

[JMB]

I actually think this sounds cool. Love the dark angle,but the query is very confusing. Are we following the girl or the man she is stalking? Who are we rooting for, K to get her man, or A to escape the clutches of the crazy girl?

DS made a lot of good suggestions. I want to point out a few other details.

This is the first time I've posted this query for feedback, but not my first time in the forums here.

Dear agent,

When Kaitidid Rogers’s parents are beheaded in a car crash, her mind shuts down. Discovering telepathic and psychokinetic powers in the hospital’s mental ward doesn’t help matters either.

Or does it?

Hoping extreme faith will heal their bereaved hearts, her older sister takes her to an Apostolic Pentecostal church. But when Alex Benson, the man of Kaitidid’s dreams, walks into the sanctuary, she develops a crush on him that soon turns to love. Bored with Christianity and the congregation’s hypocrisy, she unknowingly develops a father fixation. If she has to turn to Wicca and use her powers to seduce him—discovering she also has the gift of teleportation—then that’s exactly what she’ll do.

Kaitidid goes into a rage when Alex finds a girlfriend, a third-degree Wiccan priestess and the owner of a new age store, Mother Nature’s Sacred Space (I'd leave out the store name. Plus I'm confused. Didn't K meet this guy in church? Now she's gone Wiccan and the guy has a Wiccan girlfriend, too. Did they both become disillusioned/bored with Christianity and both just by chance end up choosing Wiccan, say as opposed to atheism?). Stalking him and hurling sharp objects at his woman with her mind, Kaitidid’s determined to break up their relationship. Lucky for her, Drucilla isn’t psychokinetic.Who is this lucky for (K or D?) and why? When she (she who?) finds out about Alex’s private hell (read this as K found out about A's private hell, and thought you meant D had trapped him) after taking pictures of him on their date at the park, noticing Kaitidid in the background of every one, she rushes home to cast a counter spell against her. Before she can cast the spell, Kaitidid uses psychokinesis to make Drucilla spontaneously combust.

Now Alex has the fight of his life on his hands: Either get rid of a schoolgirl with a dangerous talent, or suffer a prison sentence (Odd choice--get red of K OR go to prison. why would Alex go to prison? If he gets caught killing K, sure, but sounds like prison should be the least of his worries if he is gonna try to take out a crazy teen stalker who can make people he doesn't like spontaneously combust).

BOOK OF SHADOWS is a completed 68,000-word horror manuscript with an erotic twist, similar to novels such as SPIRIT by Graham Masterson and LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov. I have ten short story publications, plus a chapter of a guidebook soon to be released. I plan to read my own audio books (whoa, this putting the cart way before the horse--I suspect it will make the agent laugh out loud. Take it out and worry about who will read your book on tape after you after a book in print), as well as promote the novel extensively on the Internet and through book tours (take it out--this is expected of everyone0.

I appreciate your time in considering my query. (Delete last 2 sentences) Please give me the opportunity to submit the complete work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

A. R. Braun

Looking forward to seeing the next draft.

[Netti]

This is the first time I've posted this query for feedback, but not my first time in the forums here.

Dear agent,

When Kaitidid Rogers’s(How do you pronounce her name?) parents are beheaded in a car crash, her mind shuts down. Discovering telepathic and psychokinetic powers in the hospital’s mental ward doesn’t help matters either.

Or does it?

Hoping extreme faith will heal their bereaved hearts, her older sister takes her to an Apostolic Pentecostal church. But when Alex Benson, the man of Kaitidid’s dreams, walks into the sanctuary, she develops a crush on him that soon turns to love. Bored with Christianity and the congregation’s hypocrisy, she unknowingly develops a father fixation(I don't see what boredom with the church has to do with development of a father fixation.). If she has to turn to Wicca and use her powers to seduce him—discovering she also has the gift of teleportation—then that’s exactly what she’ll do.(Seems a little random. I think you could fill in a few of the blanks.)

Kaitidid goes into a rage when Alex finds a girlfriend, a third-degree Wiccan priestess and the owner of a new age store, Mother Nature’s Sacred Space. Stalking him and hurling sharp objects at his woman with her mind, Kaitidid’s determined to break up their relationship. Lucky for her, Drucilla isn’t psychokinetic. When she finds out about Alex’s private hell after taking pictures of him on their date at the park, noticing Kaitidid in the background of every one, she rushes home to cast a counter spell against her(This is a long clunky sentence.). Before she can cast the spell, Kaitidid uses psychokinesis to make Drucilla spontaneously combust.(Call me morbid but...Now you have my attention!)

Now Alex has the fight of his life on his hands: Either get rid of a schoolgirl with a dangerous talent, or suffer a prison sentence.(I'm going to assume from this last part that he's being accused of killing his girlfriend but it may be good to mention that.)

BOOK OF SHADOWS is a completed 68,000-word horror manuscript with an erotic twist, similar to novels such as SPIRIT by Graham Masterson and LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov. I have ten short story publications, plus a chapter of a guidebook soon to be released. I plan to read my own audio books, as well as promote the novel extensively on the Internet and through book tours.

I appreciate your time in considering my query. Please give me the opportunity to submit the complete work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

A. R. Braun

Hope I was helpful! You definitely have an interesting idea here.

[priya g.]

The first sentence- definite horror!
Wonderful job! I think the query is awesome, just a few pointers:

1. "If she has to turn to Wicca and use her powers to seduce him—discovering she also has the gift of teleportation—then that’s exactly what she’ll do"- I am not too sure about the use of the word 'seduce'; would her powers be seductive to such a man?
2. "When she finds out about Alex’s private hell after taking pictures of him on their date at the park, noticing Kaitidid in the background of every one, she rushes home to cast a counter spell against her" I am not too sure about this part. Maybe you can explain a bit about the 'counter-spell'.

other than that, this is a good letter. I got some pointers from it as well

[thewhipslip]

I think there's too much information in here. My comments below:

Dear agent,

When Kaitidid Rogers’s parents are beheaded in a car crash, her mind shuts down. Discovering telepathic and psychokinetic powers in the hospital’s mental ward doesn’t help matters either So if she's discovering powers, how did her mind shut down?.

Or does it? Cut.

Hoping extreme faith will heal their bereaved hearts, her older sister takes her to an Apostolic Pentecostal church. But when Alex Benson, the man of Kaitidid’s dreams, walks into the sanctuary, she develops a crush on him that soon turns to love. Bored with Christianity and the congregation’s hypocrisy, she unknowingly develops a father fixation This sentence is unnecessary to the plot. You just roped me with the beginning of a conflict - you need to develop that more, not delve into Kaitidid's psyche. If she has to turn to Wicca and use her powers to seduce him—discovering she also has the gift of teleportation—then that’s exactly what she’ll do I'm not sympathizing with the MC here...if that's your goal, then you're succeeding, but right now she sounds like a brat who uses magic as a way to manipulate people.

Kaitidid goes into a rage when Alex finds a girlfriend, a third-degree Wiccan priestess and the owner of a new age store, Mother Nature’s Sacred Space. Stalking him and hurling sharp objects at his woman with her mind, Kaitidid’s determined to break up their relationship Again, not really sure I want to spend a book with this chick. Lucky for her, Drucilla isn’t psychokinetic. When she finds out about Alex’s private hell after taking pictures of him on their date at the park, noticing Kaitidid in the background of every one, she rushes home to cast a counter spell against her. Before she can cast the spell, Kaitidid uses psychokinesis to make Drucilla spontaneously combust why didn't she just do that before??.

Now Alex has the fight of his life on his hands: Either get rid of a schoolgirl with a dangerous talent, or suffer a prison sentence how will he go to prison for this?.

BOOK OF SHADOWS is a completed 68,000-word horror manuscript with an erotic twist, similar to novels such as SPIRIT by Graham Masterson and LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov I think comparing this to Lolita is shooting too high. I'm not saying that your book isn't great, but most agents don't like comparisons to literary masterpieces. I have ten short story publications, plus a chapter of a guidebook soon to be released. I plan to read my own audio books, as well as promote the novel extensively on the Internet and through book tours.

I appreciate your time in considering my query. Please give me the opportunity to submit the complete work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

A. R. Braun[/quote]

I think you're missing a focus here. You start with Katy, but then end with Alex. Who's your main character? And it's never explained why Alex is in her dreams at all. I'm also not cleat on the conflict. If Katy is after Alex, why would he be convicted of murder? What I need to know is: character, catalyst (what sets the plot moving forward), and the main character's dilemma: what decision do they have to make, and what are the stakes?

[arbraun]

Wow! Thanks for all the critiques, everyone! I didn't expect this many this soon.

I have the problem (a problem I don't have with my other books, the non-newbie rough drafts, though I have had Book of Shadows critiqued) of having KD as the protagonist/antagonist, and Alex as the true protagonist, but not coming on to the scene until 1/4 of the way through the book. Everyone says I can't do that, but I've seen in done well in Dean Koontz's Demon Seed and Bryan Smith's Soultaker. I realize it's a big problem in a query though (ouch to me!).

It's funny, but the "mind shuts down" thing is something suggested by my first critique group. I wanted to say "go insane." And one of the sentences that needs reversing in the order was reversed at first and then I "revised," lol. One can revise too much.

The prison sentence is if Alex doesn't get rid of her because her powers are strong enough to make him to have intercourse (pychokinesis and teleportation).

I love all your suggestions and will revise this soon. Any other suggestions will be heeded also.

Kudos to all,

A. R.

[arbraun]

Here's the second draft:

Dear Agent,

Alex Benson just lost his wife to suicide. Desperate, he goes to an Apostolic Pentecostal church hoping extreme faith will heal his bereaved heart. But when an adolescent Wiccan hypocrite named Kaitidid Rogers develops a crush on him, pursuing him with telepathy, teleportation and psychokinesis, being a widower is the least of his worries. Now he faces the fight of his life to get rid of a schoolgirl who’s more than a little off in the brain.

Alex finds Drucilla Powers, filling the void his late wife left behind. Also a Wiccan, she initiates him into her coven when he leaves Christianity. Fat lot of good his faith did him with an underage psycho after him. Upon spilling his guts about Kaitidid, Drucilla rushes home to cast a counter spell on Kaitidid to bind her from bothering him anymore.

Alex descends back into grief when Drucilla spontaneously combusts before she can cast the spell. More infuriated than ever, he knows Kaitidid is behind her “accidental death," and he's tempted to avenge her.

He'll get his chance to do just that. Since Alex won’t give in to her wicked desires, Kaitidid insanely rages, coming after him with a butcher knife. Now he’ll have to take advantage of those self-defense skills he learned at karate class and kill or be killed--that is, if he ever wants to live a normal life again.

BOOK OF SHADOWS is a completed 68,000-word horror novel, similar to novels such as SPIRIT by Graham Masterson and James Reese’s BOOK OF SHADOWS. I have ten short story publications, plus a chapter of a guidebook soon to be released.

I appreciate your time in considering my query.

Regards,

A. R. Braun

[Netti]

Here's the second draft:

Dear Agent,

Alex Benson just lost his wife to suicide. Desperate, he goes to an Apostolic Pentecostal church hoping extreme faith will heal his bereaved heart. But when an adolescent Wiccan hypocrite named Kaitidid Rogers develops a crush on him, pursuing him with telepathy, teleportation and psychokinesis, being a widower is the least of his worries. Now he faces the fight of his life to get rid of a schoolgirl who’s more than a little off in the brain.

Alex finds Drucilla Powers, filling the void his late wife left behind. Also a Wiccan, she initiates him into her coven when he leaves Christianity. Fat lot of good his faith did him with an underage psycho after him. Upon spilling his guts about Kaitidid, Drucilla rushes home to cast a counter spell on Kaitidid to bind her from bothering him anymore.

Alex descends back into grief when Drucilla spontaneously combusts before she can cast the spell. More infuriated than ever, he knows Kaitidid is behind the “accidental death" and is tempted to avenge her(I think it'd be a good idea to be more specific about who "her" is.).

Since Alex tattled and(?) won’t give in to her wicked desires, Kaitidid insanely rages(Not sure what you mean here. Is there a typo?), coming after him with a butcher knife. Now he’ll have to take advantage of those self-defense skills he learned at karate class(Random. And mentioning the class is unnecessary unless it plays a more prominent role in the novel.) and kill or be killed if he ever wants to live a normal life again.

BOOK OF SHADOWS is a completed 68,000-word horror novel, similar to novels such as SPIRIT by Graham Masterson and James Reese’s BOOK OF SHADOWS(Are you sure you want to compare your book to another book of the same name?). I have ten short story publications, plus a chapter of a guidebook soon to be released.

I appreciate your time in considering my query.

Regards,

A. R. Braun

This is much better! I really get a sense of Alex's voice and there's a much better flow.

[sgf]

Hi A.R.,

There are a lots of cool ideas in this. I like how the MC (Alex) is already having a hard time when his wife dies, and his life gets even more complicated when he has to fight off the advances of a teenager with mind powers. I also like how he meets a Wiccan, they fall in love, and she tries to combat the teenager's abilities with her own. I do think some of the details you use below didn't quite work in the query though.


Alex Benson just lost his wife to suicide. Great start!

Desperate, he goes to an Apostolic Pentecostal church hoping extreme faith will heal his bereaved heart. I think there's a little redundancy here. "Desperate" and "hoping extreme faith will heal his bereaved heart" are both trying to say the same thing: the reason why he goes to the church. I didn't like the use of "bereaved heart" because I felt it was too distant. Consider showing the desperation that takes him to this extreme church, e.g., With his wife's death haunting his thoughts, Alex finds that he can no longer live a normal life, and no longer wants to..."

But when an adolescent Wiccan hypocrite named Kaitidid Rogers develops a crush on him, pursuing him with telepathy, teleportation and psychokinesis, being a widower is the least of his worries. I really liked this. Is there a way to consolidate all her mental powers into a single word, instead of listing all 3? I think it would streamline the prose. Maybe psionics? Hmm, maybe that's too D&Dish.

Now he faces the fight of his life to get rid of a schoolgirl who’s more than a little off in the brain. I thought this was a great line. But "a little off in the brain" doesn't sound right to me. She's dangerous and crazy in love with him so I think a stronger description was warranted here.

Alex finds Drucilla Powers, filling the void his late wife left behind. There's something clunky about this sentence. Maybe: When Alex finds DP, she fills the void..."

Also a Wiccan, she initiates him into her coven when he leaves Christianity.

Fat lot of good his faith did him with an underage psycho after him.I think this sentence could be improved. Did he really have faith, or was he trying to find it? I know what it's saying, but I think it could be written more clearly.

Upon spilling his guts about Kaitidid, Drucilla rushes home to cast a counter spell on Kaitidid to bind her from bothering him anymore. I really liked this. Consider rephrasing "spilling his guts" though.

Alex descends back into grief when Drucilla spontaneously combusts before she can cast the spell. More infuriated than ever, he knows Kaitidid is behind “accidental death" and is tempted to avenge her. In the first sentence, he's grief stricken, then in the next sentence he's infuriated and wants revenge. His emotions seemed to jump around too much without more transition. Maybe just stick to his anger at what Kati did?

Since Alex tattled won’t give in to her wicked desires, something's off with this line. Delete "tattled"?


Kaitidid insanely rages, coming after him with a butcher knife. OK, here I really had to wonder why someone with the power to teleport and make things fly (and set things on fire), would bother using a butcher knife?

Now he’ll have to take advantage of those self-defense skills he learned at karate class and kill or be killed, that is, if he ever wants to live a normal life again.I thought this was a good ending.

BOOK OF SHADOWS is a completed 68,000-word horror novel, similar to novels such as SPIRIT by Graham Masterson and James Reese’s BOOK OF SHADOWS. I have ten short story publications, plus a chapter of a guidebook soon to be released.

I appreciate your time in considering my query.

Hope some of this helps! I think you have a good story. I also think this version is more focused than your first one, but felt that some of the lines needed more polish.

[arbraun]

Thanks, you two. There are a lot of good suggestions here.

[arbraun]

Here's the third try:

Dear Mr. Bransford,

Alex Benson just lost his wife to suicide. With his spouse’s death haunting his heart, he can’t live a peaceful life, so he goes to an Apostolic Pentecostal church hoping extreme faith will help him heal. But when an adolescent Wiccan hypocrite named Kaitidid Rogers develops a crush on him, pursuing him with psychic powers, being a widower is the least of his worries. Now he faces the fight of his life to get rid of an insane schoolgirl who thinks she’s in love with him.

When Alex finds Drucilla Powers, she fills the void his wife left behind. Also a Wiccan, she initiates him into her coven when he leaves Christianity. Fat lot of good church did him with an underage psycho on his heels. Upon coming clean about Kaitidid when Drucilla spies her in the background of a few pictures she’d taken of him, she rushes home to cast a counter spell on her to bind her.

Alex descends back into grief when Drucilla spontaneously combusts before she can cast the spell. He knows Kaitidid is behind “accidental death” and, not thinking, calls the police, who take her side. Lucky for him, God doesn’t. Alex repents with a contrite heart and begs Him for the strength to overcome.

Since Alex tattled on her and Kaitidid can’t break through with her powers anymore, she comes after him with a butcher knife. Now he’ll have to kill or be killed if he ever wants to live a normal life again.

BOOK OF SHADOWS is a completed 68,000-word horror novel, similar to novels such as CARRIE by Stephen King and THE REACH by Nate Kenyon.

I’m querying you because you said you’re looking for not only the genres you favor, but also whatever you might like. I used to be a serious Wiccan, and I have a background in the Apostolic Pentecostal faith, so I’ve been on both Alex and Kaitidid’s sides. I have ten short story publications, plus a chapter of a guidebook soon to be released.

I also can’t stand the Lakers.

I appreciate your time in considering my query.

Best Regards,

A. R. Braun