This is the newest version, with some modifications made based on previous comments. Let me know if there's anything else that sticks out as not really flowing in this one.
Aaren Danielson is a teenaged martial arts student whose life gets seriously screwed up when his adoptive parents drop a bombshell. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety, and the only token of their existence is a glowing talisman with a family crest carved into its surface given to him after the confession.
Traumatized, Aaren’s anger boils over and he lashes out. Spiraling down out of control, he starts to lose his mind. Paranoia sets in when a mysterious stalker, with a hauntingly familiar gaze, follows Aaren wherever he goes. Strange voices echo in Aaren’s head, warning him to trust no one. His dreams turn into nightmares of a future where humans are tortured and abused, ruled by an evil tyrant covered in ancient tattoos.
Aaren is convinced the only reason he’s still sane is the hope of reuniting with the family he’s never met, and leaving his deceitful parents behind. Checking for clues of their whereabouts, he doesn’t realize that a team of highly trained mercenaries has been deployed to end his search permanently. If he survives long enough to find his family and discover the truth about his mysterious past, his horrifying destiny will be revealed. As a clan of evil immortals prepares to wage war against humanity, Aaren will be forced to choose between going back to his miserable life and committing suicide to fulfill his family’s eternal burden of protecting a world they could easily destroy.
FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is a young adult urban fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words.
Forever Young: The Rebirth revised..again
Forever Young: The Rebirth revised..again
Last edited by Write2Me on September 19th, 2010, 11:06 am, edited 2 times in total.
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thewhipslip
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Re: Forever Young: The Rebirth brand new query
I would take your old version to a field somewhere, bury it, and never look back - new version is much better!
New version
Dear Agent,
Aaren Danielson’s life as a high school outcast sucks, but things get seriously screwed up when the couple who adopted him drop a bombshell. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety, and the only token of their existence is a talisman with a family crest carved into its surface which Aaren wears around his neck.
His anger boils over. Lashing out, Aaren turns into a wild child, drinking and partying. He relishes the pain his actions inflict on the people who care about him, but the fun stops when he experiences mania and severe depression, symptoms of the don't need the 'the' herebi-polar disorder. Paranoia begins to set in, as a mysterious stalker follows him wherever he goes, his steely gaze hauntingly familiar. Strange voices echo in his head, warning him to trust no one, and his dreams turn into nightmares of a future where humans are tortured and enslaved, ruled by a monstrous dictator covered in ancient tattoos. This paragraph is good. Nice job.
Struggling tokeep his sanity, Aaren is convinced the only way to figure out why he’s so messed up is to locate his biological parents There's something too casual about "messed up". It seems to downplay what Aaren is going through., but a secret government organization is deploying highly trained mercenaries to cut him down. If Aaren can survive long enough to find them I would substitute "his parents" for "them", the horrifying burden his parents wanted him to avoid will be revealed- His suicide is the key to spurring the resistance that could prevent the world from burning at the hands of a clan of evil immortals Really long sentence there. Give it a breather: His suicide could save the world, spurring the necessary resistance to stop the actions of an immortal clan. (That's rough, but I think it works better).
FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words.
Let'r rip! Let me know if anything should be saved from the old copy/ added to the new copy, etc. Thanks![/quote]
My only fear is that this sounds kind of generic. What's really unique about this book? You've done a great job of adding voice in here, and it works - but is there something about your book that really sets it apart from all of the other destined-to-die coming-of-agers out there?
New version
Dear Agent,
Aaren Danielson’s life as a high school outcast sucks, but things get seriously screwed up when the couple who adopted him drop a bombshell. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety, and the only token of their existence is a talisman with a family crest carved into its surface which Aaren wears around his neck.
His anger boils over. Lashing out, Aaren turns into a wild child, drinking and partying. He relishes the pain his actions inflict on the people who care about him, but the fun stops when he experiences mania and severe depression, symptoms of the don't need the 'the' herebi-polar disorder. Paranoia begins to set in, as a mysterious stalker follows him wherever he goes, his steely gaze hauntingly familiar. Strange voices echo in his head, warning him to trust no one, and his dreams turn into nightmares of a future where humans are tortured and enslaved, ruled by a monstrous dictator covered in ancient tattoos. This paragraph is good. Nice job.
Struggling tokeep his sanity, Aaren is convinced the only way to figure out why he’s so messed up is to locate his biological parents There's something too casual about "messed up". It seems to downplay what Aaren is going through., but a secret government organization is deploying highly trained mercenaries to cut him down. If Aaren can survive long enough to find them I would substitute "his parents" for "them", the horrifying burden his parents wanted him to avoid will be revealed- His suicide is the key to spurring the resistance that could prevent the world from burning at the hands of a clan of evil immortals Really long sentence there. Give it a breather: His suicide could save the world, spurring the necessary resistance to stop the actions of an immortal clan. (That's rough, but I think it works better).
FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words.
Let'r rip! Let me know if anything should be saved from the old copy/ added to the new copy, etc. Thanks![/quote]
My only fear is that this sounds kind of generic. What's really unique about this book? You've done a great job of adding voice in here, and it works - but is there something about your book that really sets it apart from all of the other destined-to-die coming-of-agers out there?
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!
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fersnerfer
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Re: Forever Young: The Rebirth brand new query
Write2Me wrote:Ok so thanks to those who commented on my old version of the query. After a poster tore my query apart, I decided to make a new version, to see which one people felt was more compelling, scintillating, etc. Its supposed to be edgy fantasy ya, by the way. Thanks!
Dear Agent,
Aaren Danielson’s life as a high school outcast sucks, but things get seriously screwed up when the couple who adopted him drop a bombshell.
Maybe it's just me, but the use of "sucks" and "messed up" don't ring well to me.
My second issue is with "the couple who adopted him". Wouldn't they be his parents in Arron's mind or does he already know he is adopted? I think this would somehow have more impact if it were reworded so that his adoptive parents felt less distant.
His biological parents aren’t dead.
I think this has more impact as its own paragraph, but that may just be a style choice on my part.
They gave him away for his own safety,and the only token of their existence,is a talisman with a family crest carved into its surface which Aaren wears around his neck.
Try removing the stricken words, I think it might flow a little better. Also remember that every word counts. Don't waste it on words that don't matter. I also want to know more about the talisman. Has he always worn it around his neck? Was he only given it when he found out his birth parents were alive?
I like this part, but I feel like I need more clarity.
His anger boils over. Lashing out, Aaren turns into a wild child, drinking and partying.
The word choice here doesn't work for me. When I think of "drinking and partying" I think of a college freshman, not a boy who just found out that his entire life is a lie. When I think of "anger boiling over" and "lashing out" I think of much more self destructive behavior than partying.
He relishes the pain his actions inflict on the people who care about him,
This line just doesn't make Aaron sound sympathetic at all. Does he really relish it? Is he that sadistic?
but the fun stops
What fun? His life is a lie. He's distraught and disillusioned. I understand if you are being sarcastic, but I don't think this works in favor of Aaren.
when he experiences mania and severe depression, symptoms of the bi-polar disorder.
Paranoia begins set in, as a mysterious stalker follows him wherever he goes, his steely gaze hauntingly familiar.
I like this better, but I'd like to know more details.
What does he do that makes him mysterious? A stalker can mean a number of things. Consider omitting the part about the self destructive partying and make this the point of conflict.
Strange voices echo in his head,
this almost reads like voices echo in the stalker's head.
warning him to trust no one., and His dreams turn into nightmares of a future where humans are tortured and enslaved, ruled by a monstrous dictator covered in ancient tattoos.
If he is torturing and enslaving them, ruling is out of the question. If they are slaves, he owns them. The word "monstrous" just isn't descriptive enough for me.
Struggling to keep his sanity, Aaren is convinced the only way to figure out why he’s so messed up is to locate his biological parents,
Again, the phrase "messed up" is a colloquialism that doesn't tell us anything.
Maybe: "Struggling to keep his sanity, Aaren decides the only way to confront his problems is to find his birth parents,
but a secret government organization is deploying highly trained mercenaries to cut him down.
This really caught me out of the blue. It's confusing when you throw this into the middle of the paragraph. It almost feels like a different book.Try adding this to the part with the stalker. I think it will add to the conflict.
If Aaren can survive long enough to find them, the horrifying burden his parents wanted him to avoid will be revealed-
"Avoid" feels very passive to me. Maybe "The horrible truth his birth parents hoped he would never have to confront:" Also change out the hyphen for a colon.
His suicide is the key to spurring the resistance that could prevent the world from burning at the hands of a clan of evil immortals.
This line lacks the impact I think you are going for. "He must sacrifice himself to save the world from..."
The problem I have with the word "suicide" is that it's hard for me to imagine a suicide spurring a rebellion.
FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult dark fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words.
Eek. I hope I didn't rip this apart too harshly for you. I'm not trying to be discouraging.
My biggest problem with it is that you have way too many words that lack any meaningful description. Words like "sucks" to "messed up" to "monstrous" don't tell us anything important. Why does his life suck? If he is a high school outcast with no friends, that sucks all by itself. I don't think you need to tell us it sucks.
Why is this dictator monstrous? Does he eat babies? Kick puppies? What is it about him that is monstrous aside from the fact he enslaves people? Is he doing the torturing himself? Or do his minions do it for him?
As a "dictator" I imagine him as someone who gives the orders. That makes him a bureaucrat, not a monster. The words "tyrant" or "overlord" provide a little more clarity.
I think you could safely omit the part about Aaren being a jerk to everyone he loves and cut straight to the voices, the stalker and mercenaries who are trying to kill him. To me that is where the action starts, as well as the intrigue.
You are onto something with the story, you just need to try presenting it in a way that makes it more compelling.
Good luck!
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ABFTomioka
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Re: Forever Young: The Rebirth brand new query
Hello!
I agree with everyone that the second version is much better - lots more excitement! Here are a few suggestions:
Aaren Danielson’s life as a high school outcast sucks, but things get seriously screwed up when the couple who adopted him drop a bombshell. I like how you use spoken slang, since it's a YA novel. But I think the transition from "life sucks" to parents dropping a bombshell is a bit jarring....maybe focus on why high school sucks in one sentance, and then bring in how things get even WORSE when his adopted family tells him the truth. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety, and the only token of their existence is a talisman with a family crest carved into its surface which Aaren wears around his neck. Does the talisman have any signifigance further on? If not, maybe drop it, and focus instead on Aaren's shock and ager when he realizes he was given up by his origional parents. The sentance describing it is rather wordy, also.
His anger boils over. I'd ditch that sentance and focus more on this: Lashing out (why does he feel the need to do that? Against the family who betrayed him/lied to him/abandoned him?), Aaren turns into a wild child, drinking and partying. (He relishes the pain his actions inflict on the people who care about him, but I would cut out this part...it's somewhat distracting) the fun stops when he experiences mania and severe depression, symptoms of bi-polar disorder. Paranoia sets in when a mysterious stalker, with a hauntingly familiar gaze, follows Aaren wherever he goes. Strange voices echo in his head, warning him to trust no one, and his dreams turn into nightmares of a future where humans are tortured and enslaved, ruled by a monstrous dictator covered in ancient tattoos.
Struggling keep his sanity, Aaren is convinced the only way to figure out why he’s so messed up is to locate his biological parents, but a secret government organization is deploying highly trained mercenaries to cut him down. This sentance is three ideas in one. Maybe you could cut it up into three different sentances, one for each theme. If Aaren can survive long enough to find them, the horrifying burden his parents wanted him to avoid will be revealed- His suicide is the key to spurring the resistance that could prevent the world from burning at the hands of a clan of evil immortals. I wonder if you want to say this much....it's a fascinating detail, but you could probably say it more concisely, like: Aaren discovers the horrifying burden his parents kept hidden - his suicide is the key to saving the world from destruction. Or something of that sort.
FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words.
Your idea is really interesting, and the query captures it well. Best of luck!
I agree with everyone that the second version is much better - lots more excitement! Here are a few suggestions:
Aaren Danielson’s life as a high school outcast sucks, but things get seriously screwed up when the couple who adopted him drop a bombshell. I like how you use spoken slang, since it's a YA novel. But I think the transition from "life sucks" to parents dropping a bombshell is a bit jarring....maybe focus on why high school sucks in one sentance, and then bring in how things get even WORSE when his adopted family tells him the truth. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety, and the only token of their existence is a talisman with a family crest carved into its surface which Aaren wears around his neck. Does the talisman have any signifigance further on? If not, maybe drop it, and focus instead on Aaren's shock and ager when he realizes he was given up by his origional parents. The sentance describing it is rather wordy, also.
His anger boils over. I'd ditch that sentance and focus more on this: Lashing out (why does he feel the need to do that? Against the family who betrayed him/lied to him/abandoned him?), Aaren turns into a wild child, drinking and partying. (He relishes the pain his actions inflict on the people who care about him, but I would cut out this part...it's somewhat distracting) the fun stops when he experiences mania and severe depression, symptoms of bi-polar disorder. Paranoia sets in when a mysterious stalker, with a hauntingly familiar gaze, follows Aaren wherever he goes. Strange voices echo in his head, warning him to trust no one, and his dreams turn into nightmares of a future where humans are tortured and enslaved, ruled by a monstrous dictator covered in ancient tattoos.
Struggling keep his sanity, Aaren is convinced the only way to figure out why he’s so messed up is to locate his biological parents, but a secret government organization is deploying highly trained mercenaries to cut him down. This sentance is three ideas in one. Maybe you could cut it up into three different sentances, one for each theme. If Aaren can survive long enough to find them, the horrifying burden his parents wanted him to avoid will be revealed- His suicide is the key to spurring the resistance that could prevent the world from burning at the hands of a clan of evil immortals. I wonder if you want to say this much....it's a fascinating detail, but you could probably say it more concisely, like: Aaren discovers the horrifying burden his parents kept hidden - his suicide is the key to saving the world from destruction. Or something of that sort.
FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words.
Your idea is really interesting, and the query captures it well. Best of luck!
Re: Forever Young: The Rebirth brand new query
thanks for the input! My query has come a long way with the help of posters on this site!
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fersnerfer
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Re: Forever Young: The Rebirth revised..again
Overall much better. The whole thing reads a lot less vaguely and I am getting a much clearer description of the plot.Write2Me wrote:
Aaren Danielson is a teenaged martial arts student whose life gets seriously screwed up Let's just call creative differences on this one. 'screwed up' just doesn't work for me.when his adoptive parents drop a bombshell. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety, and the only token of their existence is a glowing talisman with a family crest carved into its surfacegiven to him after the confession. I would maybe try to reword that last part. Maybe something like "His adoptive parents gave him a glowing talisman, as if to make up for his birth parents giving him away." Not my best, but it makes the 'confession' less of an afterthought. I do like this paragraph better than before.
Traumatized, Aaren’s anger boils over and he lashes out.I would pick one or the other: boils over or lashes out. Not both. Spiraling down out of control, he starts to lose his mind. I would think of a better way to word this.Paranoia sets in when a mysterious stalker, with a hauntingly familiar gaze, follows Aaren wherever he goes. Strange voices echo in Aaren’s head, warning him to trust no one. His dreams turn into nightmares of a future where humans are tortured and abused, ruled by an evil tyrant covered in ancient tattoos. This is much better.
Aaren is convinced the only reason he’s still sane is the hope of reuniting with the family he’s never met, and leaving his deceitful parents behind. Checking for clues of their whereabouts, he doesn’t realize that a team of highly trained mercenaries has been deployed to end his search permanently. Maybe I am just being to formulaic here but it seems like the mercenaries belong with the strange stalker part. It is all part of the obstacle that makes it hard for Aaren to reach his goal. When it is added here, it seems distracting.If he survives long enough to find his family and discover the truth about his mysterious past, his horrifying destiny will be revealed. As a clan of evil immortals prepares to wage war against humanity, Aaren will be forced to choose between going back to his miserable life and committing suicide to fulfill his family’s eternal burden of protecting a world they could easily destroy.There isn't a choice here. maybe you meant to say "or"? I guess using 'and' works too, but it seems less clear.
FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is a young adult urban fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words.
Re: Forever Young: The Rebirth revised..again
thanks fersnerfer! Yea, ms word kept auto correcting the or to 'and' for some reason...I thought or sounded better myself. Is this better?
Aaren Danielson is a teenaged martial arts student whose life gets seriously screwed up when his adoptive parents drop a bombshell. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety before disappearing, leaving behind a keepsake-a strange glowing talisman.
Traumatized by the confession, Aaren lashes out, and his minds starts to crack. A mysterious stalker with a hauntingly familiar gaze follows Aaren wherever he goes, making him paranoid. Strange voices echo in Aaren’s head, warning him to trust no one. His dreams turn into recurring nightmares where humans are tortured and abused by a thousand-year-old tyrant covered in gruesome tattoos, and worse, he doesn’t realize that a team of highly trained mercenaries has been deployed to hunt him down.
Aaren is convinced the only reason he’s still sane is the hope of reuniting with the family he’s never met, and he desperately looks for clues of their whereabouts. If he survives long enough to find his family and learn the truth about his past, a terrible destiny will be revealed as a clan of immortals emerges from the shadows, ready to wage war against humanity. Aaren will be forced to choose between going back to his miserable life or committing suicide to fulfill his family’s eternal burden of protecting a world they could easily destroy.
Aaren Danielson is a teenaged martial arts student whose life gets seriously screwed up when his adoptive parents drop a bombshell. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety before disappearing, leaving behind a keepsake-a strange glowing talisman.
Traumatized by the confession, Aaren lashes out, and his minds starts to crack. A mysterious stalker with a hauntingly familiar gaze follows Aaren wherever he goes, making him paranoid. Strange voices echo in Aaren’s head, warning him to trust no one. His dreams turn into recurring nightmares where humans are tortured and abused by a thousand-year-old tyrant covered in gruesome tattoos, and worse, he doesn’t realize that a team of highly trained mercenaries has been deployed to hunt him down.
Aaren is convinced the only reason he’s still sane is the hope of reuniting with the family he’s never met, and he desperately looks for clues of their whereabouts. If he survives long enough to find his family and learn the truth about his past, a terrible destiny will be revealed as a clan of immortals emerges from the shadows, ready to wage war against humanity. Aaren will be forced to choose between going back to his miserable life or committing suicide to fulfill his family’s eternal burden of protecting a world they could easily destroy.
Re: Forever Young: The Rebirth revised..again
I liked it a lot more then the first.
I like this premise, and I think you're in the right way here. Good luck!
Why does he have to kill himself? Nooo!Write2Me wrote:thanks fersnerfer! Yea, ms word kept auto correcting the or to 'and' for some reason...I thought or sounded better myself. Is this better?
Aaren Danielson is a teenaged martial arts student whose life gets seriously screwed up when his adoptive parents drop a bombshell.Great first paragraph. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety before disappearing, leaving behind a keepsake-a strange glowing talisman.
Traumatized by the confession, Aaren lashes out, and his minds starts to crack. Followed by a mysterious....Aaren goes paranoid. Just a thought =) A mysterious stalker with a hauntingly familiar gaze follows Aaren wherever he goes, making him paranoid. Strange voices echo in Aaren’s head, warning him to trust no one. His dreams turn into recurring nightmares where humans are tortured and abused by a thousand-year-old tyrant covered in gruesome tattoos, and worse, he doesn’t realize that a team of highly trained mercenaries has been deployed to hunt him down. Are they human or imortals?
Aaren is convinced the only reason he’s still sane is the hope of reuniting with the family he’s never met, and he desperately looks for clues of their whereabouts. If he survives long enough to find his family and learn the truth about his past, a terrible destiny will be revealed as a clan of immortals emerges from the shadows, ready to wage war against humanity. Immortals seems a tad generic. Could be vampires, dark faeries, demons... Do you have a name for these creatures?Aaren will be forced to choose between going back to his miserable life or committing suicide to fulfill his family’s eternal burden of protecting a world they could easily destroy.
I like this premise, and I think you're in the right way here. Good luck!
Re: Forever Young: The Rebirth revised..again
haha thanks! This site has been an amazing resource! It seems like i finally have a usable query...alas... I wish i discovered this a loooong time ago haha. Would've saved me a lot of rejections!
based on your questions...does it affect the query if it isnt clear the mercenaries are human? they are, but i didnt know how to say that and make it worth saying so i just left it as is.
In terms of 'immortals' they're supposed to be just normal immortals, kind of just like immortal warriors...it seems like ur concerns are at the level where u'd like more detail as opposed to not understanding the premise, so i think i'm safe leaving it just a tad bit ambiguous.
based on your questions...does it affect the query if it isnt clear the mercenaries are human? they are, but i didnt know how to say that and make it worth saying so i just left it as is.
In terms of 'immortals' they're supposed to be just normal immortals, kind of just like immortal warriors...it seems like ur concerns are at the level where u'd like more detail as opposed to not understanding the premise, so i think i'm safe leaving it just a tad bit ambiguous.
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