Query- Forever Young: The Rebirth- final version?

[Write2Me]

I think i've finally gotten my query to the point where I think its ready to be sent out....just wanted to get some more opinions on the (hopefully) finished product! thanks!
Final version (fingers crossed)

Dear Agent,

Aaren’s life as a high school outcaste sucks, but things get seriously screwed up when Hank and Eunice Danielson drop a bombshell. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety, and the only token of their existence is a talisman with family crest carved into its surface worn around Aaren’s neck.

Pissed off, Aaren channels his inner rebel, which is only fun until his life spirals further out of control. Voices echo in his head, warning him to trust no one, and he is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who refuse to die, fighting with swords and dozens of arrows sticking out of their chests. Through visions of the future, he sees himself, older and battle-hardened, fighting a monstrous figure covered in primeval tattoos named Devagma.

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find his parents, but dangers lurk around every corner. A mysterious drifter is stalking him, and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover a terrifying fate. He must die for humanity to survive the return of the Immortal Acolytes, who await Devagma's return to finish what they began thousands of years ago-enslaving the world under their rule.

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

[Quill]

Aaren Danielson is a thirteen-year-old high school freshman dealing with acne breakouts and pea-brained bullies, but those problems seem minor when a family tree project in history class reveals that his life is giant lie.

This is a pretty good start.

I'd omit "breakouts"

I'd say "become minor" rather than "seem minor" to indicate transition of time and importance.

"his life is a giant lie" is a great line, but actually that's not accurate. His adoption is a lie, but his life is true.

During his research, Aaren’s uncovers a startling fact about his past-no records of his adoption exist! Shocked,

You might need to reword this, as "startling" and "Shocked" come off as weak. How about simply saying "Aaren's research uncovers no records at all of his supposed adoption" or some such?

Aaren questions his parents about it, and after the discussion escalates into an violent confrontation, they finally admit the truth-His biological parents aren’t dead, and technically, he was abducted.

This is a bit wordy but not bad.

Watch the typos, though:

"a violent confrontation" (not "an")

"his biological parents" (not "His")

"truth -- his" (not "truth-his")

Realizing that his parents are liars and criminals, Aaren’s anger boils over, transforming the model son into a teen-aged rebel.

Hold it. Wouldn't he go to the police, first off?

He begins to party and drink, sinking into a deep depression, pushing away everyone who cares about him. Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find parents he never knew, but dangers lurk around every corner. A drifter is tracking his every move, and a powerful but secretive organization is sending a team of assassins to hunt him down.

Hold it again. This seems to be turning from a realistic story about a boy discovering his past (literary fiction) to some sort of thriller or fantasy. Sorry, but the foundation for this shift just hasn't been laid, so this seems abrupt and weird.

If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will be plunged into the secret world of immortals, discovering a fate that will change his life forever.

This line might work if we had had some preparation for the true nature of this book. It's almost as though WE have been lied to, like the boy, about who/what the reality of it really is. I would strongly suggest foreshadowing these plot developments early in the query so we are not "startled" and "shocked" to find out now. Good luck!

Forever Young: The Rebirth is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the martial arts action with the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen-aged angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

Not bad, but you may not want to include the martial arts reference, since you haven't alluded to it in your description and I don't think either of your two mentioned books include it. Stick with your comparisons and don't expand upon your actual plot description here.

Sounds like an interesting story.

[thewhipslip]

I agree with Quill that there's no precedence for this being a fantasy novel in the first paragraph. At the start of the second, it sounds like regular YA with an overdose of angst. I would recommend starting your query with the hook that Aaren's been abducted. Then tell us WHY he was abducted, presumably because of some paranormal abilities that he has or his family has.

Aaren decides to find his parents, conflict ensues...That should put you on the right track.

[Write2Me]

much thanks! I definitely see your points!

[Write2Me]

i re-did the query and posted it in the OP spot and deleted the old copy. Hopefully the new approach makes it clear that this is ya fantasy vs literary fiction...its a bit of both but hopefully this one makes it more clear that its still a fantasy.

[chris13]

Hi,

The idea is intriguing....I like the story line. Here are some comments that may help the query. One overall thought is that you say this is YA, which is usually older teens. And Aaren's age makes him awfully young for partying and drinking....how does he do that? Not that 13 year olds don't....;-(

Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a typical thirteen-year-old high school freshman dealing with acne and pea-brained bullies, [good] but these problems become seem minor when a family tree project reveals that he is his life is built on giant a lies dangerous lie. During his research for the project, Aaren discovers that No records of his adoption exists! [ lots of issues here with adoption records...closed or open, etc. You probably explain in the book. Also, it appears that what he discovers is "no adoption records"...so he always knew he was adopted, right? What is the "lie?"] Confused, Aaren confronts his parents, and the discussion turns violent. [Again, he is 13. What kind of violence? ] They finally admit the truth--his biological parents aren’t dead. [You can be adopted and have living parents. It seems the action here actually starts with your next sentences: He knows he is adopted, but can't find the records he expects. He confronts his parents and it turns violent [why?]. He then learns the reason for the secrecy,etc. ] They appeared at the front door with Aaren years ago, scared of an enemy they wouldn’t mention, making the Danielsons promise to keep him safe. The only token of their existence is a glowing talisman with the initials ‘A.M.’ inscribed on its surface worn around Aaren’s neck. He never is without it.

Hurt, angry, and confused, Aaren spirals out of control, transforming into a teen-aged rebel. He begins to party and drink, but the fun [ doesn't sound like fun if he is reacting to hurt, anger and confusion] stops when he begins to experience hallucinations and visions of the future. Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find the parents he never knew, but dangers lurk around every corner.A drifter with a mystical aura is tracking his every move, and a powerful but secretive organization of of assassins to huntis hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will be plunged into the secret world of immortals, discovering a fate that will change his life forever. [how does he know this--the secret world?]

Forever Young: The Rebirth is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen-aged angst of The Catcher in the Rye. [good]

[Quill]

i re-did the query and posted it in the OP spot and deleted the old copy. Hopefully the new approach makes it clear that this is ya fantasy vs literary fiction...its a bit of both but hopefully this one makes it more clear that its still a fantasy.

I'll take a look.

By the way, I think it's way better to post the new version in line, so we don't have to jump back for it, and so people can follow your progression towards query perfection.

[thewhipslip]

This is definitely an improvement. My comments below...

Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a thirteen-year-old high school freshman dealing with acne and pea-brained bullies, but problems become minor when a family tree project reveals that he is life is built on giant lies This is your hook. Yeah, yeah, we've all heard the acne-ridden bullied teen deal before. Make me want to read this. To do that, you need to focus on the most interesting part of your story: Aaren's parents abandoned him in order to escape some supernatural force. The problem with the rest of this paragraph is that you're using details that aren't quite surprising. Just because you're adopted doesn't mean that your parents are dead - so no surprise there. I guess the surprise here is that there's no record of it, and that Aaren's now having hallucinations. Focus this down to the immediate problems: Aaren's powers are coming alive and he's being hunted. He needs to find his parents. You don't need the whole rebellious-phase/fight-with-his-parents bit. That we've seen before. The supernatural part of your story is what's going to make it unique, so that's what you need to target.. During his research for the project, Aaren discovers that no records of his adoption exist! Confused, Aaren confronts his parents, and the discussion turns violent. They finally admit the truth-His biological parents aren’t dead. They appeared at the front door with Aaren years ago, scared of an enemy they wouldn’t mention, making the Danielsons promise to keep him safe. The only token of their existence is a glowing talisman with the initials ‘A.M.’ inscribed on its surface worn around Aaren’s neck.

Hurt, angry, and confused, Aaren spirals out of control, transforming into a teen-aged rebel. He begins to party and drink, but the fun stops when he begins to experience hallucinations and visions of the future. Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find parents he never knew, but dangers lurk around every corner. A drifter with a mystical aura is tracking his every move, and a powerful but secretive organization of of assassins to hunt him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will be plunged into the secret world of immortals, discovering a fate that will change his life forever.

Forever Young: The Rebirth is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy Low fantasy? Haven't heard that before, but that could be me-and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen-aged angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

[personal info, etc][/quote]

[Write2Me]

thanks for the constructive critcism! I decided to take the query in a whole other direction, especially with what whipslip said. I tossed out the 'conventional' elements every ya/mg book has with a hs setting and focused on the cool stuff...more like a movie trailer. A trailer can make even starship troopers look cool if u piece together the unique elements. If certain elements of the old query should have been preserved let me know!

Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a mentally unstable thirteen-year-old high school freshman whose dark and tortured past will lead him to destroy the world, or help save it. After a violent confrontation at home, Aaren discovers that his parents never adopted him, when they finally admit the truth- He was given up by his biological parents for his own protection before they went back into hiding. The only token of their existence they left behind is a glowing talisman with the initials ‘A.M.,’ which Aaren wears around his neck.

As if finding out that his feelings of rejection and abandonment weren’t enough, Aaren is plagued by nightmares and visions of ancient battles between warriors who seem to never die, and premonitions of himself fighting an eight-foot-tall evil incarnate who calls himself Devagma. Spiraling out of control, he becomes moody and depressed, drinking and partying, trying to deal with the deterioration of his life and his mind.

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find parents he never knew, but dangers lurk around every corner. A drifter with a mystical aura is tracking his every move, and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover his terrifying fate- he must choose to die for humanity to survive the return of the Immortal Acolytes.

Forever Young: The Rebirth is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen-aged angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

[JadePhoenix]

I think this is good and it's an interesting premise. Here are the few things I noticed - I'm no expert of course so feel free to do whatever you want. Good luck on your querying! :)

thanks for the constructive critcism! I decided to take the query in a whole other direction, especially with what whipslip said. I tossed out the 'conventional' elements every ya/mg book has with a hs setting and focused on the cool stuff...more like a movie trailer. A trailer can make even starship troopers look cool if u piece together the unique elements. If certain elements of the old query should have been preserved let me know!

Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a mentally unstablehow is he mentally unstable? thirteen-year-old high school freshman whose dark and tortured past will lead him to destroy the world, or help save itwhat dark and tortured past does HE have? If he was given up when he was a baby (as this seems to suggest since he didn't know about it) then hasn't he had a pretty decent life? If not, and if his adoptive parents are nutjobs you probably want to establish it at least briefly. After a violent confrontation at home, Aaren discovers that his parents never adopted him, when they finally admit the truth"discovers that his parents never adopted him" and "admit the truth" both kind of tell us the exact same thing so it's redundant to put the second one in there- I'd make this it's own sentence. Also, did he KNOW he wasn't the biological son of the people who had him? If so then he knows his parents gave him up (regardless of reason) so it really doesn't make sense for him to freak out as much as he does. Now, finding out the people he thought were his biological parents actually aren't - that's a better reason for freaking out. Otherwise it's kind of "I'm freaking out because I just found out that the parents who gave me up, gave me up!"He was given up by his biological parents for his own protection before they went back into hidingsounds like adoption - sorry to say but it makes better sense in your last query where you mentioned they basically put him on their doorstep. Here it almost like "they gave him up for adoption, but not really".. The only token of their existence they left behind is a glowing talisman with the initials ‘A.M.,’ which Aaren wears around his neck.

As if finding out that his feelings of rejection and abandonmentweren’t enough"As if that weren't enough Aaren...", Aaren is plagued by nightmares and visions of ancient battles between warriors who seem to never die, and premonitions of himself fighting an eight-foot-tall evil incarnate evil incarnate is an adjective and it kind of seems like you're using it as a noun? Maybe that's just me though.who calls himself Devagma. Spiraling out of control, he becomes moody and depressed, drinking and partying, trying to deal with the deterioration of his life and his mindyou already said he was mentally unstable so now he's more mentally unstable?.

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find parents he never knew, but dangers lurk around every cornercliche. A drifter with a mystical aura is tracking his every move, and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover his terrifying fate- he must choose to die for humanity to survive the return of the Immortal Acolyteswait, what???? Who the heck is Acolytes? What happened to his parents and Devagma and immortal warriors?.

Forever Young: The Rebirth is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlastingis Tuck Everlasting fantasy?, and teen-aged angst of The Catcher in the Rye.I'd be a bit careful comparing books like this because you run the risk of an agent going "I hated that book and have no desire to read anything like it" and then not passing on you for that reason.

[Write2Me]

thanx for the suggestions! You have some valid points. This query is definitely the best one yet, in my opinion, but I welcome comments on any version, especially if something from an older version is worth keeping.

Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a bi-polar thirteen-year-old who will discover that his birthright grants him the power to destroy the world, or help save it. Aaren’s life becomes screwy when he discovers that he wasn’t adopted after being orphaned by the death of his biological parents. Hank and Eunice Danielson confess to him that his parents gave him up for his own protection before they went back into hiding.

Aaren doesn’t believe them, and while struggling to deal with feelings of resentment and sadness, he is repeatedly plagued by nightmares and visions of ancient battles between warriors who seem to never die, and premonitions of himself fighting an eight-foot-tall evil incarnate who calls himself Devagma. Spiraling out of control, he becomes moody and depressed, drinking and partying, trying to deal with the deterioration of his life and his mind.

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find the parents he is connected to by a keepsake, a glowing talisman, but dangers lurk around every corner. A drifter with a mystical aura is tracking his every move and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover a terrifying fate- he must die for humanity to survive the return of the Devagma and his Immortal Acolytes.

Forever Young: The Rebirth is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen-aged angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

[Quill]

Aaren Danielson is a bi-polar thirteen-year-old who will discover that his birthright grants him the power to destroy the world,

Wow! He's the most powerful human who ever lived?

or help save it. Aaren’s life becomes screwy when he discovers that he wasn’t adopted after being orphaned by the death of his biological parents.

His life becomes screwy? What does this mean, screwy?

And he wasn't adopted (after being orphaned)? Then how did he get into that family?

Hank and Eunice Danielson confess to him that his parents gave him up for his own protection before they went back into hiding.

Wait, you said "after the death of his parents." As written it feels like you told us the parents were dead.

And no need to share the names. They mean nothing to us. They don't contribute to the pitch.

Aaren doesn’t believe them, and while struggling to deal with feelings of resentment and sadness, he is repeatedly plagued by nightmares and visions of ancient battles between warriors who seem to never die, and premonitions of himself fighting an eight-foot-tall evil incarnate who calls himself Devagma.

Too much info. At least cut "who calls himself Devagma". Also, omit "repeatedly" as redundant to "plagued".

Spiraling out of control, he becomes moody and depressed, drinking and partying, trying to deal with the deterioration of his life and his mind.

This can be omitted, as it is repeated by "struggling to deal with feelings of resentment and sadness" and "Desperate to regain control of his life".

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find the parents he is connected to by a keepsake, a glowing talisman, but dangers lurk around every corner.

Omit "he is connected to by a keepsake, a glowing talisman" as these are not necessary to the pitch.

A drifter with a mystical aura is tracking his every move

What is a "mystical aura" and why is it important to mention?

and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover a terrifying fate- he must die for humanity to survive the return of the Devagma and his Immortal Acolytes.

This is pretty good.

Forever Young: The Rebirth

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH

is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen-aged angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

Not sure I get low fantasy and family drama from this. More like high fantasy and save the whole world.

Not sure what teen-aged angst is. Reads like angst that's between 13 and 19 years old; some finely aged angst. How about just "teen angst"?

[Write2Me]

hm...better?

Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a mentally unstable thirteen-year-old, facing the ominous choice of sacrificing his life for a world he struggles to care about, or watching it burn to the ground. Aaren’s life begins to unravel after he makes a curious discovery while researching for a family tree project, and after a heated discussion, Hank and Eunice Danielson confess that they've been lying to him for years. He wasn’t adopted after being orphaned by the death of his biological parents-he was handed over in a secret exchange before they went back into hiding.

Aaren doesn’t believe them. Struggling to deal with feelings of anger and disappointment, his life only gets worse. During the day, he experiences visions and voices speaking to him, warning him to trust no one. At night, he is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who never die and visions of a boy fighting an eight-foot-tall evil incarnate-and the boy looks just like him.

Desperate for answers on why he’s so abnormal, Aaren is determined to find his parents, but a powerful and secretive organization of assassins is stands in the way of discovering the truth. If he can survive long enough to find them, he will discover a terrifying fate-he must die for humanity to survive the return of the Devagma and his Immortal Acolytes.

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

[JadePhoenix]

You're going to hate me, but I liked this one. :) In the end it's up to you so feel free to disregard or not as you wish. I do agree with you, however, that this is the best one yet!

thanx for the suggestions! You have some valid points. This query is definitely the best one yet, in my opinion, but I welcome comments on any version, especially if something from an older version is worth keeping.

Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a bi-polar thirteen-year-old who will discover that his birthright grants him the power to destroy the world, or help save it. Aaren’s life becomes screwy...whose life is turned upside down...when he discovers that he wasn’t adopted after being orphaned bythe death of his biological parents. Hank and Eunice Danielson confess to himthat his parents gave him up for his own protection before they went back into hidingwhy'd they come out of hiding in the first place? Just to give him up?.

Aaren doesn’t believe them, and, while struggling to deal with feelings of resentment and sadness, he is repeatedly plagued by nightmares and visions of ancient battles between warriors who seem to never die, and premonitions of himself fighting an eight-foot-tall evil incarnate who calls himself Devagma. Spiraling out of control, he becomes moody and depressed, drinking and partying, trying toto try anddeal with the deterioration of his life and his mind.

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find the parents he is connected to by a keepsake, a glowing talisman, but dangers lurk around every corner. A drifter with a mystical aura is tracking his every move and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover a terrifying fate- he must die for humanity to survive the return of the Devagma and his Immortal Acolytesthere's something off about this sentence but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe someone else can explain better or maybe it's just me. :).

Forever Young: The Rebirth is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen-aged angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

[Write2Me]

hey jade what about the new version i just posted above? the one that's timestamped 1:31