Query: The Water in the River REVISED

[thrintone]

I need help. I keep re-writing and coming up with the same thing. Do I need a little more, do I reveal a little more...do I quit and burn the thing?



Dear…,

Clara Herrington has always heard the river speaking; she just didn’t know it.

Clara and Maggie haven't been friends for years, so when Maggie shows up with a journal, claiming it holds the secret location to a fountain of youth, Clara thinks her old friend has lost her mind. Before Clara has a chance to consider Maggie’s alleged fountain, she meets Oliver Bennett by smashing into him on the bridge. Oliver is charming the first time they meet, but by the next night seems to despise her, leaving her confused yet still smitten.

Clara wasn’t aware of how badly she wanted to rekindle her friendship with Maggie until given the opportunity. As she helps Maggie she realizes there is more to the river than a fountain of youth. There are other people searching for the spring and they will do anything to find it.

What Clara doesn’t know is the mystery to the river is within her, she just has to ask the right questions and trust the right people to get the answers she’s anxious to find. The answers she feels she's owed.

Along her journey she falls in love with Oliver, who is not who she expects. She gets wrapped up in a secretive world she never knew existed; a world where Clara has a larger role then she could have imagined.

My 85,000 word manuscript, THE WATER IN THE RIVER, dances around the possibility of never ending life, what some people might do to obtain it and how one girl deals with the ultimate responsibility. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Katherine

[hulbertsfriend]

I need help. I keep re-writing and coming up with the same thing. Do I need a little more, do I reveal a little more...do I quit and burn the thing?



Dear…,

Clara Herrington has always heard Name of river river speaking to her- she just didn't know it.

Clara and Maggie haven't been friends for years, so when Maggie shows up with a journal, A friend from her past comes back into her life, with a journal that claiming to holds the secret location to the fountain of youth. Clara thinks her old friend has lost her mind. Before Clara has a chance to consider Maggie’s alleged fountain, Clara has to decide if her friend has lost her mind and if the mythical fountain exists.she meets Oliver Bennett by smashing into him on the bridge. Oliver is charming the first time they meet, but by the next night seems to despise her, leaving her confused yet still smitten. This doesn't have anything to do with the core plot. It can be mentioned in the synopsis, but beware of character overload when you are trying to sell a story.Clara wasn’t aware of how badly she wanted to rekindle her friendship with Maggie until given the opportunity. As she helps MaggieShe realizes there is more to the river than a fountain of youth. There are other people searching for the spring and they will do anything to find it. Clara is not the only one looking for the NAME river and a dangerous race begins to see who will get there first.

What Clara doesn’t know is the mystery to the river is answer to the river's mysteries lies within her. She just has to ask the right questions and trust the right people to get the answers she’s desperate to find. The answers she feels she's owed.Clara gets drawn into a secretive world she never knew existed; a world where Clara has a larger role then she could have imagined.


Along her journey she falls in love with Oliver, who is not who she expects. She gets wrapped up in a secretive world she never knew existed; a world where Clara has a larger role then she could have imagined.

My 85,000 word insert genre here manuscript, THE WATER IN THE RIVER, Thought I'd throw a different title at you. :-) THE RIVER WITHIN is a race to find immortality and what some people might dowhat some are willing to do to obtain it. and how one girl deals with the ultimate responsibility.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Katherine

There are far to many changes here. Starting from scatch may be the way to go. I wrote in a few different ideas in blue. Have a look at marketingthemuse.com before you attempt your next query.

In the research I've done, regarding agents preferences, character overload in a query ranks fairly high. Mentioning other characters without diluting the story objective is ok. Superflous information is a no-no. The boyfriend can be mentioned, if he is an integral part of the journey.

Lastly, I think you won't be having a problem with writing a query once you do some more research. I can feel the passion you have for your story by how you write. Take the passion down a notch when you write a query. I had great problems writing one, till I figured out that a query isn't so much about your passion ( Which you had to have to write 85000 words), as much as the clarity of the story's vision to the reader. Make your story points strong and move on.

Drop me a PM if I can be of further help. All the best to you always!

DougM

http://devinbriar.blogspot.com

[thrintone]

Thanks. :) I really appreciate it.

I am not sure why this is so much more difficult than the story.


Off to try again...

[thrintone]

Here is my new draft using some of the suggestions...it just doesn't seem like I'm giving an accurate portayal of the story. I'm having a hard time doing it in 300 words.


Dear…,

Clara Herrington has always felt the Fox River speaking to her, she just didn’t know it.

When she has irresistible urges to feel the water, she disregards them. Just like she ignores when it calls to her, because she assumes it’s her imagination running wild.

An old friend comes back into her life, claiming she has a journal which holds the secret location to the fountain of youth. Clara tries to decide if her friend has lost her mind or if the mythical fountain actually exists- and if she really wants to get involved.

She quickly realizes there is more to the river than a fountain of youth. Clara is involved whether she wants to be or not. She is not alone in the search for the fountain, but she is the only one who has selfless motives to protect the Fox River. A dangerous and possibly deadly race begins to see who will find it first.

What Clara doesn’t know is the answer to the river’s mystery lies within her. She has to ask the right questions and trust the right people to get the answers she desperately needs.

My 85,000 word YA Paranormal Romance manuscript, THE FOX, is one girl’s journey to self discovery amidst the opportunity to live forever and the responsibility she has to the river.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Katherine

[Quill]

Clara Herrington has always felt the Fox River speaking to her, she just didn’t know it.

How could she not know what she always feels?

When she has irresistible urges to feel the water, she disregards them.

How could she disregard urges she cannot resist?

Just like she ignores when it calls to her,

This can be omitted as redundant to the above.

because she assumes it’s her imagination running wild.

This is fine, but the facts remain that she constantly feels, yet doesn't know, and she disregards what she cannot resist, which, to me, doesn't make sense. I think the wording needs to be smoothed out there.

An old friend comes back into her life, claiming she has a journal which holds the secret location to the fountain of youth.

This comes across as a disconnect. How do we get fountain from river?

Clara tries to decide if her friend has lost her mind or if the mythical fountain actually exists-

"Tries to decide" is simply not dynamic enough of an action, for a query.

How does one ascertain these things? Simply by thinking about them?

and if she really wants to get involved.

Again, deciding if one wishes to get involved is not gripping enough. Usually the inciting incident and main conflict leaves the protagonist little choice. Or at least dire consequences if not followed.

She quickly realizes there is more to the river than a fountain of youth.

No need for "quickly".

More to the river than a fountain? I have no idea what that means.

Again, what is the connection between river and fountain?

Clara is involved whether she wants to be or not.

How so? You just said she was trying to decide if she wants to get involved! What changed?

Also, not wise to use "involved" again so soon.

She is not alone in the search for the fountain,

Obviously. Her friend told her about it, has the journal. So, omit as fully apparent.

but she is the only one who has selfless motives to protect the Fox River.

Again, disconnect. You have not established any connection between the river and the fountain.

A dangerous and possibly deadly race begins to see who will find it first.

Between Clara and her friend? Between the two and who else? I think we need a bit more detail here.

What Clara doesn’t know is the answer to the river’s mystery lies within her. She has to ask the right questions and trust the right people to get the answers she desperately needs.

Sorry, but this all seems too vague. We need a more specifics, in order to care about your character and your story. And in order for there to be the tension we need, for us to clamor for pages.

My 85,000 word YA Paranormal Romance manuscript, HAND IN THE FOX,

Where is the romance?? No mention of it?

is one girl’s journey to self discovery amidst the opportunity to live forever and the responsibility she has to the river.

This sort of afterword is rarely a good idea. Much better to work this info into the query pitch by showing above rather than telling here.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

"So much" seems over the top for a business letter, and may make you appear desperate.

[thrintone]

Thanks Quill!

How do you guys go about doing this? Should I start with a synopsis and then widdle it down? How much "mystery" do I leave in my query? Should I explain why the Fountain and the River go together? If I do, I reveal a chunk of the ending...but it is horrible for the reader to know something the MC doesn't. These are the basic things I'm struggling with. I want everything to be so surprising, but I'm not sure if it matters.

[elfspirit]

Quill made some excellent suggestions. I think you're struggling with the idea of what a query should be.

At agentquery.com/writer_hq.aspx you can read a succinct explanation of how to write a query, with some examples of imaginary queries from books you may have read. Nathan also has a lot of thoughts about how to write a query. queryshark.blogspot.com/ is another good source for queries with an agent's comments.

My recommendation is that you immerse yourself in this query writing business by reading lots of queries. One warmup suggestion I've heard and used is to summarize your story in one sentence, the hook. The agentquery link describes this process. It's much more effective to use this sentence as your core than to start with a synopsis and try to condense it.

Hope this helps.

[katbrauer]

If it helps--though of course you can write a query however you darn well please--romance queries are usually written with a focus on the hero and heroine. They go something like this:

HEROINE'S PARAGRAPH: Her life. Her motivations. And then BAM, instigating circumstances that lead to...

HERO'S PARAGRAPH: His life. His motivations and goals. And dealing with the heroine.

PLOT PARAGRAPH: Show us the stakes and what shiznazz is going to go down if the Hero and Heroine don't learn how to work together or what not, and how this all might lead to a HEA.

Depending on how you word the query, you can also tell us whether this is going to be more of a serious book, funny one, or even its level of sexiness. Play around with it and see if this works for you.

[thrintone]

If it helps--though of course you can write a query however you darn well please--romance queries are usually written with a focus on the hero and heroine. They go something like this:

HEROINE'S PARAGRAPH: Her life. Her motivations. And then BAM, instigating circumstances that lead to...

HERO'S PARAGRAPH: His life. His motivations and goals. And dealing with the heroine.

PLOT PARAGRAPH: Show us the stakes and what shiznazz is going to go down if the Hero and Heroine don't learn how to work together or what not, and how this all might lead to a HEA.

Depending on how you word the query, you can also tell us whether this is going to be more of a serious book, funny one, or even its level of sexiness. Play around with it and see if this works for you.

Thanks, it does help.