new WHAT A PAINE! query page 3

[amyashley]

Quill, I will incorporate those changes! You can google succubi, although mine are milder. An agent repping urban fantasy should be familiar with them.

[wilderness]

Dear Agent X,

“We the people of the USA”, or so they think. There’s a wider definition to “people” than most of the planet gets. Paranormals were living beside humans before humans gave themselves a name. Sure, there’s fairy tales and folklore, but it’s mostly exaggerated crap like any rumor.

Reece Paine, a vampire married to a demon, is one of those in the closet paranormals who’s sure exposure would freak out the neighbors. She consults at an undercover paranormal bureau, interpreting cases nobody can understand. This week’s got a full docket, with cookie-craving trolls running protests at a pizza parlor and stripper succubi with flashing fetishes. I like these descriptions for the trolls and succubi. They give us a better picture than the shorter descriptions you had. Driving her to drink more coffee, she’s still got diaper duties with her flying toddler at home. Improper clause. The clause isn't related to diaper duties. Asked to investigate kidnappings of local paranormal kids, she resists at first. It’s not really her thing . . . but the job pulls her in.

There’s fear about her own kids’ safety, and her friends’ kids. There’s guilt about her responsibility to do the best job she can. There’s also suspicions that bug her about how human perps knew about paranormals and why they’d want them anyway.
Roping in a few paranormal pals,(no comma for 2 item list) and using scare tactics like genii hypnotism and angel terrorism should be enough to bust the bad guys. This is a little yoda-effect as Nathan calls it. How about "She should be able to bust the bad guys by..." This week has been a real pain, but Reece is no soccer mom, and she’s ready to take a bite out of this crime. Maybe you could punch up the bite out of crime a bit. I know it's a pun cuz she's a vampire, but it's best to alter cliches so they sound new, like "she's ready to take one very bloodthirsty bite out of this crime"

My urban fantasy, WHAT A PAINE! is 71,000-words and available upon request. Thanks for your time.

Amy Ashley

I like it! Much improved. Just a few tweaks I think!

[chris13]

I like it too, except am not thrilled with the first graf. The 2nd one starts strong and tells the story. The first kind of moralizes. Calling fairy tales crap might not make an agent who reps them jump to read the 2nd graf. It seems a tangent. Maybe something that happens to her that keeps her in the closet, neighborwise?

I think you can start with ".....is a closet paranormal....."

Also, succubi are pretty well known in the fantasy field... ;-)

Almost there.......and as you say, the book [I'm assuming!] is great. The query is such a pain, but I think it is worth it to keep tweaking to get the good agent you deserve.