Query: Redemption - YA Fantasy - Third time's the charm?

[Diamonte]

Dear Super Awesome Agent Person,

As voices screech and groan and beg inside Eleanor’s head, the aging mind reader struggles to keep her sanity. She also fights the overwhelming temptation to abuse her gift. Non-magical people are defenseless against her manipulation. She could dispose of them in seconds – not that she often does, of course.

Mages once had a purpose when Esrydil’s people were always at war with each other. They were the designated rulers who could maintain peace. Over time, these people withdrew from their positions, and humans now reign.

While Eleanor is content with the current hierarchy, Frederic wants to seize power and return to the archaic order of magicians above all. He believes that magicians can bind their powers with technology, making the upheaval the best solution for both humans and mages. He prepares for a takeover of other countries by magically chaining people into army, but Eleanor’s daughter is among the captured humans.

She fails her attempt to rescue the child, so she plots against Frederic’s regime with the help of human freedom fighters. She becomes convinced that the resistance is hopeless until magic crowns a reluctant new carrier: a nineteen-year-old named Adelaide.

The girl is content in her life of thievery along the muddy cobblestone streets, and she’d prefer to return to that life. But Eleanor drags her to the center of the conflict, in the capital city of Seraine, where a revolution is stirring. Adelaide often questions the aging magicians’s morally ambiguous actions, and is hesitant to trust her. If Eleanor wants to destroy Frederic and set her daughter free, she will have to gain Adelaide’s support.

REDEMPTION is the first in a series of steampunk fantasy novels, told in first-person from the viewpoints of several characters. The manuscript is complete at 62,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.
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Thanks for the feedback. I'm worried that it sounds too cliche and stereotypical of fantasy novels, with the Big Bad and Good vs. Evil. It's really not. Both Frederic and Eleanor are actually shown to be morally ambiguous, and there isn't a right side in the war, so it ends up being a subversion of the Good vs. Evil more than anything else. The line about 'She could dispose of them in seconds – not that she often does, of course.' hints at that, but I don't think it's obvious enough in my query.

[Write2Me]

yes there is the problem of anything magic nowadays b/c many people have simply created harry potter spinoffs and agents seem to be tired of them. Your query suffers from the same problem mine did. You need to focus on the lead character. I understand that you have several important characters but it seems hard to connect with any of the mentioned characters b/c a query is brief by nature and I'm not sure any of the points of view is truly compelling in the present query. I hate to use twilight but i believe stephanie meyer told the same story from different p.o.v., but ultimately there is still a lead character. I think you should focus on the 'savior' character, and relate everything to her. Show why she is special, why we should care about her. There's a lot going on in the query, and I think you just need to pick a central character to focus on.

[ABFTomioka]

Hello!
First of all I have to say that your horse is absolutely ADORABLE!!! What a cutie!!! Now that's over with, I can get to your query. :)

I really like the idea of your novel. It has unusual complexities and what looks like an interesting cast of characters. I also think you did a good job telling enough of the story, and giving each character motivation for their actions. My few (mostly grammar) suggestions follow in caps, since I can't figure out font color:

As voices screech and groan and beg inside Eleanor’s head, the aging mind reader struggles to keep her sanity. She also fights the overwhelming temptation to abuse her gift. Non-magical people are defenseless against her manipulation. She could dispose of them in seconds – not that she often does, of course.

Mages had a purpose when Esrydil’s people were CONSTANTLY at war with each other. IN THOSE DAYS, they were designated rulers who could maintain peace, BUT over time, THEY withdrew from their positions, and humans now reign.

While Eleanor is content with the current hierarchy, Frederic'S SOLE DESIRE IS to seize power and return to the archaic order of magicians. HE DREAMS OF A DAY WHEN magicians can bind their powers with technology, making LIFE BETTER for both humans and mages. BUT TO DO THAT, THERE MUST BE UPHEAVAL. He prepares for THE takeover by magically chaining people into AN army, but Eleanor’s daughter is among the captured humans.

FAILING IN her attempt to rescue the child, ELEANOR plots against Frederic’s regime with the help of human freedom fighters. (WHY DOES SHE BECOME CONVINCED? ARE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS INCOMPETENT?) She becomes convinced that resistance is hopeless until magic crowns a reluctant new carrier: nineteen-year-old Adelaide.

ADELAIDE IS content in her life of thievery along muddy cobblestone streets, BUT Eleanor drags her to the center of the conflict in the capital city of Seraine, where revolution is stirring. Adelaide often questions the (aging - MAYBE ANOTHER ADJECTIVE? YOU USED THIS ONE ALREADY...) magician’s MORAL AMBIGUITY, and is hesitant to trust her. BUT If Eleanor wants to destroy Frederic and FREE her daughter, she will have to gain Adelaide’s support. (ONLY SUPPORT? NOT FRIENDSHIP OR CONFIDENCE?)

REDEMPTION is the first in a series of steampunk fantasy novels (NOW, I DON'T KNOW, BUT SOME PEOPLE HAVE SAID IT'S BEST NOT TO MENTION A SERIES IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST NOVEL....ANY THOUGHTS FROM THOSE MORE EXPERIENCED?), told in first-person from the viewpoints of several characters (MAYBE JUST THE THREE YOU MENTION IN YOUR QUERY?). The manuscript is complete at 62,000 words.

This book looks exciting, and I always like switching character viewpoints in a novel. Good luck!!

[elfspirit]

Diamonte, I am in the process of rewriting a query for a book that is multi-pov, and the major advice I got from several people was to focus the query on one character. It was good advice, even though it means the sacrifice of lots of wonderful words. It seems clear that your focal character is Eleanor.

Dear Super Awesome Agent Person,

As voices screech and groan and beg inside Eleanor’s head, the aging mind reader struggles to keep her sanity. She also fights the overwhelming temptation to abuse her gift. Non-magical people are defenseless against her manipulation. She could dispose of them in seconds – not that she often does, of course. Suggest deleting "of course".


Mages once had a purpose when Esrydil’s people were always at war with each other. They were the designated rulers who could maintain peace. Over time, these people withdrew from their positions, and humans now reign.

While Eleanor is content with the current hierarchy, Frederic wants to seize power and return to the archaic order of magicians above all. He believes that magicians can bind their powers with technology, making the upheaval the best solution for both humans and mages. He prepares for a takeover of other countries by magically chaining people into army, but Eleanor’s daughter is among the captured humans.

I suggest combining these two paragraphs. I'm also confused about the difference between "people" and "humans."

She fails her attempt to rescue the child, so she plots against Frederic’s regime with the help of human freedom fighters. She becomes convinced that the resistance is hopeless until magic crowns a reluctant new carrier: a nineteen-year-old named Adelaide.

The girl is content in her life of thievery along the muddy cobblestone streets, and she’d prefer to return to that life. I really like the concept of a reluctant heroine. But Eleanor drags her to the center of the conflict, in the capital city of Seraine, where a revolution is stirring. Adelaide often questions the aging magicians’s morally ambiguous actions, and is hesitant to trust her. If Eleanor wants to destroy Frederic and set her daughter free, she will have to gain Adelaide’s support.

Again, I suggest summarizing the above two paragraphs, sticking firmly to the singular pov. One more questions occurs to me. What will she have to do to gain Adelaide's support? Be less morally ambiguous? Question her motivations?

REDEMPTION is the first in a series of steampunk fantasy novels, told in first-person from the viewpoints of several characters. The manuscript is complete at 62,000 words.

Janet Reid of Query Shark repeatedly says that it's not a good idea to mention a series. However, I have seen successful query letters that mention that very thing. If I were query about a novel that was the first of the series, I think I would mention the series only if I had evidence that the agent favored hearing about more than one book.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.
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Thanks for the feedback. I'm worried that it sounds too cliche and stereotypical of fantasy novels, with the Big Bad and Good vs. Evil. It's really not. Both Frederic and Eleanor are actually shown to be morally ambiguous, and there isn't a right side in the war, so it ends up being a subversion of the Good vs. Evil more than anything else. The line about 'She could dispose of them in seconds – not that she often does, of course.' hints at that, but I don't think it's obvious enough in my query.

[oldhousejunkie]

Good first try. I won't make many comments because I'm viewing on my Blackberry. But I will say a few things. First your opening was great. The first sentence really grabbed my attention but then it kind of devolved into the multiple POV thing. Like ElfSpirit said, try to pick your main character and focus on her/him. It's hard, I know! The other thing that jumped out at me was the length of your query. You really should shoot for 250 words. I was shocked when I got to the end and saw that your novel was only 78,000 words. The query looked like it was for 150,000 word novel.

Best of luck to you!

[D.S. Deshaw]

I think you have the makings of a solid query in this. You just have too much information. We don't need to know about Frederic, just Eleanor. She's the interesting, morally ambiguous one. I suggest you really pare it down and then start showing us what actions have made her morally ambiguous. My suggestions below really narrow your query down to WHO the MC is (even if you have more than one), WHAT the problem is, and the STAKES. There's conflict. The only thing missing is a good sense of Eleanor, but that's your job!

As voices screech and groan and beg inside Eleanor’s head, the aging mind readerstruggles to keep her sanity. She also fights the overwhelming and against the temptation to abuse her gift. Non-magical people are defenseless against her manipulation. She could dispose of them in seconds – not that she often does, of course. My suggestion is NOT by any means the best hook out there, but I tried to keep the same elements in there.

Mages once had a purpose when Esrydil’s people were always at war with each other. They were the designated rulers who could maintain peace. Over time, these people withdrew from their positions, and humans now reign--until now.

While Eleanor is content with the current hierarchy, Frederic wants to seize power and return to the archaic order of magicians above all. He believes that magicians can bind their powers with technology, making the upheaval the best solution for both humans and mages. He A magician prepares for a takeover of other countries by magically chaining people humans into army What? I don’t follow ‘chaining people into army’, but Eleanor’s daughter is among the capturedhumans.

She fails her attempt to rescue the child, so she plots against Frederic’s regime with the help of human freedom fighters. She becomes convinced that the resistance is hopeless until magic crowns a reluctant new carrier: a nineteen-year-old named Adelaide. A girl who wants nothing to do with Eleanor or Esyrdil.

The girl is content in her life of thievery along the muddy cobblestone streets, and she’d prefer to return to that life. But Eleanor drags her to the center of the conflict, in the capital city of Seraine, where a revolution is stirring. Adelaide often questions the aging magicians’s morally ambiguous actions, and is hesitant to trust her. If Eleanor wants to destroy Frederic and set her daughter free, she will have to gain Adelaide’s support.

REDEMPTION is the first in a series of is a 62,000 word steampunk fantasy novels, told in first-person from the viewpoints of several characters. The manuscript is complete at 62,000 words.

[Diamonte]

Here's my second try. Do I still have too much information on secondary characters? I'm afraid that if I remove too much of the stuff about Frederic, he'll look like a boring, cliche villain. Even if I still have that problem, I do think my prose is more effective in this 2nd draft.

________________________________
As voices screech and groan and beg inside Eleanor’s head, the aging mind reader struggles to keep her sanity. She also fights the overwhelming temptation to abuse her gift. Non-magical people are defenseless against her manipulation. She could dispose of them in seconds – not that she often does.

Magicians once had a purpose. When Esrydil’s people were constantly at war with each other, those with the gift could maintain peace. As time passed, humans reigned again as magicians withdrew from politics.

Eleanor may be content with the government, but Frederic is not. He desires for magicians to unite their powers with technology, improving life for both humans and mages. But to do that, there must be upheaval. Using his mind reading powers, he chains people into his army and prepares for the takeover. Eleanor’s daughter is among the captured.

Failing in her attempt to rescue the child, Eleanor plots against Frederic’s regime with the help of human freedom fighters. She becomes convinced that resistance is hopeless until magic crowns a reluctant new carrier: nineteen-year-old Adelaide, who wants nothing to do with Eleanor and would rather return to her life on the streets.

Years of pick-pocketing and roaming cities may have taught Adelaide how to avoid a fight, but she can’t escape Eleanor. The teenager is dragged to the center of the conflict in Seraine. Revolution stirs within the city. Adelaide hesitates to trust Eleanor, as the magician’s choice are often morally ambiguous. The mind reader kills without mercy, desperate to destroy Frederic’s regime and regain her daughter.

REDEMPTION is a steampunk fantasy novel, complete at 62,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

[chris13]

Hi,

The first graf needs to be the hook....what pulls the agent into your book and is a 2-3 sentence explanation of what's going on. I like your ideas, but the first graf is confusing as a start. I was thinking the aging mind reader had Alzheimer's or dementia--then thought she was schizophrenic. She: struggles for sanity against voices, fights not to abuse her [unexplained] gift, knows people are defenseless, can dispose of them, usually doesn't. That's a lot of back and force in one graf, and is confusing. What is the main point? She has a gift [explain] that she fights against using [why] and if she doesn't succeed, what happens? How does it relate to the rest of the plot?

Anyway, that would set her up more...character and complications.

Hope this helps.....I'm struggling like everyone else with the dreaded query....it is especially hard for complicated fantasy WIPs like ours, but don't give up...

_______________________________
As voices screech and groan and beg inside Eleanor’s head, the aging mind reader struggles to keep her sanity. She also fights the overwhelming temptation to abuse her gift. Non-magical people are defenseless against her manipulation. She could dispose of them in seconds – not that she often does.

[ABFTomioka]

Hello again!
I like this new version a lot - it reads much smoother and I think people were right when they suggested you focus on Eleanor. If you read it aloud, I bet you can find some sentances to tweak, to make everything flow together. But I think you might need one more line at the end, like you had before, to tie everything together. For example:

The mind reader kills without mercy, desperate to destroy Frederic’s regime and regain her daughter. --- But Eleanor cannot succeed unless she earns Adelaide's support. ---

Or something alone those lines.

[Diamonte]

A slightly tweaked version... I think I'm getting there. I struggle to make the opening paragraph catchy enough. I'm hoping this one is an improvement, with the juxtaposition and stuff.
_______________________________________
Dear SuperAwesome Agent Person,

The gods of Esrydil have cursed Eleanor with telepathy. For one hundred and fifty years, she has resisted the temptation to abuse her gift. The thoughts of other people continually rage through her mind, driving her mad.

Magicians like Eleanor once had a purpose. When Esrydil’s people were constantly squabbling with each other, a magician could maintain the peace. As time passed, mages withdrew from politics, and humans reigned once more.

Eleanor may be content with the government, but Frederic is not. He desires to unite magic and technology, improving life for both humans and mages. But he needs an uprising. Using his mind-reading powers, he chains people into his army and prepares for the takeover. Eleanor’s daughter is among the captured.

Failing in her attempt to rescue the child, Eleanor plots against Frederic’s regime with the aid of human freedom fighters. She becomes convinced that resistance is hopeless until magic crowns a reluctant new carrier: nineteen-year-old Adelaide, who wants nothing to do with the old woman’s schemes.

Years of roaming cities as a pickpocket may have taught Adelaide how to avoid a fight, but she can’t escape Eleanor’s pleading. The teenager is dragged to the capital city of Seraine, where revolution stirs. Adelaide hesitates to trust Eleanor, as the magician’s choices are often morally ambiguous. The mind reader kills without mercy, desperate to destroy Frederic’s rule and regain her daughter. But Eleanor cannot succeed without Adelaide's support.

REDEMPTION is a steampunk fantasy novel, complete at 62,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

[ABFTomioka]

Hello again!
I think your letter reads really nicely now! There's just a couple things I would change, if it were me....

Eleanor is cursed with telepathy. For one hundred and fifty years, she has resisted the temptation to abuse her gift while other people's thoughts rage continually through her mind, driving her mad.

Magicians like Eleanor once had a purpose. When Esrydil’s people were constantly squabbling, a magician could maintain the peace. But as time passed, mages withdrew from politics, and humans reigned once more.

Eleanor may be content with the government, but Frederic is not. He desires to unite magic and technology, improving life for both humans and mages. But he needs an uprising. Using his mind-reading powers, he chains people into his army and prepares for the takeover. Eleanor’s daughter is among the captured.

Failing to rescue her child, Eleanor plots against Frederic’s regime with the aid of human freedom fighters. She becomes convinced that resistance is hopeless until magic crowns a reluctant new carrier: nineteen-year-old Adelaide, who wants nothing to do with the old woman’s schemes.

Years of roaming cities as a pickpocket may have taught Adelaide how to avoid a fight, but she can’t escape Eleanor. The teenager is dragged to the capital city of Seraine, where revolution stirs. Adelaide hesitates to trust Eleanor, as the magician’s choices are often morally ambiguous. The mind reader kills without mercy, desperate to destroy Frederic and regain her daughter. But Eleanor cannot succeed without Adelaide's support.

REDEMPTION is a steampunk fantasy novel, complete at 62,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Best of luck!

[thewhipslip]

Dear SuperAwesome Agent Person,

The gods of Esrydil have cursed Eleanor with telepathy. For one hundred and fifty years, she has resisted the temptation to abuse her gift. The thoughts of other people continually rage through her mind, driving her mad.

Magicians like Eleanor once had a purpose Start your query here.. When Esrydil’s people were constantly squabbling with each otherMake this serious. Not squabbles, but war. Squabbling is what two chickens do when they fight., a magician could maintain the peace continue this sentence with something like..."maintain the peace with their mind-reading skills.". As time passed, mages withdrew from politics, and humans reigned once more.

Eleanor may be content with the government, but Frederic is not Who's Frederic? If this is Eleanor's story, it needs to be Eleanor's query. Stay with her, introduce Frederic as part of the conflict, not as a new character with his own POV.. He desires to unite magic and technology, improving life for both humans and mages. But he needs an uprising. Using his mind-reading powers, he chains people into his army and prepares for the takeover How would his mind-reading powers do that?. Eleanor’s daughter is among the captured.

Okay, you can condense the above paragraph like this:

Eleanor may be content with the government's ruling hand, but when a mage named Frederic decides to throw an uprising using his mind-reading abilities, Eleanor's family is suddenly a target. Her daughter is captured as a soldier in Frederic's army.

Failing in her attempt to rescue the child, Eleanor plots against Frederic’s regime with the aid of human freedom fighters. She becomes convinced that resistance is hopeless until magic crowns a reluctant new carrier: nineteen-year-old Adelaide, who wants nothing to do with the old woman’s schemes Okay, but why? What would Adelaide do to help the situation? And what do you mean by "reluctant new carrier"? A new carrier of magic? Again, how would that help? Be specific..

Years of roaming cities as a pickpocket may have taught Adelaide how to avoid a fight, but she can’t escape Eleanor’s pleading. The teenager is dragged to the capital city of Seraine, where revolution stirs. Adelaide hesitates to trust Eleanor, as the magician’s choices are often morally ambiguous. The mind reader kills without mercy, desperate to destroy Frederic’s rule and regain her daughter. But Eleanor cannot succeed without Adelaide's support.
I'm a little lost on who the main character of the novel is - Eleanor or Adelaide? If this is mostly Adelaide's journey, then the query needs to be about her. If this is Eleanor's, then Eleanor should have an active role in the ending, otherwise she comes off as a do-nothing character in the query.

REDEMPTION is a steampunk fantasy novel, complete at 62,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.[/quote]