Query: Sacrificial Magic

[TigerGray]

I addressed this to Nathan so I could practice personalization.

Have at! Thank you in advance

(this is actually like 350 words, which just skates by for word count on a query.)
***

Mr. Bransford,

I am a regular participant on your forums. I appreciate the time you take out of your busy day to encourage and help writers of all skill levels. I too am inordinately attached to the color orange. Since your interest encompasses many genres, I think that my urban fantasy novel might work for you.

Iranian born, British bred Ashrinn Pinecroft made an unlikely career out of the American military’s elite anti terrorism unit, Delta force. But when a sniper’s bullet cuts that career short, Ashrinn will do anything to feel useful.

Even believe in magic.

With Malkai, his best friend and former second in command at his side, revitalizing the community oriented Pacific Northwest paladin order could certainly be worse.

Unfortunately, Ashrinn soon discovers that it’s always worse with Cultists, especially when those Cultists will do anything to take Washington for their serpentine demon-god. Especially when the cost of opening the gate that keeps their beloved deity trapped beneath the earth is Ashrinn’s life.

Peace is as fleeting as ice cream on a Tehran street corner when the battle for Seattle threatens to tear the city and surrounding environs apart. An ill equipped paladin order with a man marked for sacrifice as one of its greatest generals is a poor start to a war.

An abusive wife dabbling in black magic, an affair with the man who quickly becomes the love of Ashrinn’s life despite the clandestine nature of their romance, and directing a strike team of magical misfits all seem civilized compared to being the object of the Cult’s bloody affections. But he and Malkai, focused on the obvious threat, fail to detect the true peril: their own neglected children.

When the imminent destruction of everything dear is an inside job and Washington is crawling with the corrupted, Ashrinn must contend with an even greater horror; The knowledge that sacrifice doesn’t begin with death.

It only ends there.

Sacrificial magic is a dark urban fantasy, complete at <word count> My study of criminal psychology and LGBT issues inspires me to write character driven tales about identity and loss.

[JadePhoenix]

Okay, I'll give it a shot. First off, you probably want to cut it down. It's approaching synopsis length instead of query. You don't neet to hit on every single plot point - just the main "spine" of the book. A to B to C, the rest can go in a synopsis if the agent requests it.

I addressed this to Nathan so I could practice personalization.

Have at! Thank you in advance
***

Mr. Bransford,

I am a regular participant on your forums. I appreciate the time you take out of your busy day to encourage and help writers of all skill levels. I too am inordinately attached to the color orange. Since your interest encompasses many genres, I think that my urban fantasy novel might work for you. This should be at the end. You want to hook the agent right away with what your book is about. Janet Reid (QueryShark) calls this sort of thing "housekeeping" and says it should go at the end after you've gotten the agent interested in your book. Also, you might consider tying things in closer to why an agent should represent you. An example, the fact that you and Nathan both like orange doesn't mean you've written a book he might want to represent. The fact that he's represented book X, which is in the same style/genre as your book, does mean he might want to represent you.

Iranian born, British bred Ashrinn Pinecroft made an unlikely career out of the American military’s elite anti terrorism unit, Delta forceA bit cluttered maybe? Iran, Britain, America all in one sentence along with terrorism and a special ops unit. By the time you finish reading it you're going "whew!" You might just cut it to "Ashrinn Pincecroft made a career out of the American anti-terrorism unit, Delta force." military is redundant because we know an anti-terrorism unit is going to be military. " . But When a sniper’s bullet cuts that career short, Ashrinn will do anything to feel useful.

Even believe in magic.very cool

With Malkai, his best friend and former second in command at his side, revitalizing the community oriented Pacific Northwest paladin order could certainly be worse.For some reason this sentence doesn't track for me. He's never believed in magic, willing to believe in it now, and suddenly he's full on immersed in it? Also, it sounds like you went off on a second plot point here. It doesn't really tie into what you've already written. Sorry, I'm not sure how to explain it better. The idea is fine, but it just doesn't tie in for some reason.

Unfortunately, Ashrinn soon discovers that it’s always worse with Cultistswhat's always worse and when did they become Cultists?, especially when those Cultists will do anything to take Washington for their serpentine demon-godwhy do they care about Washington? Why not Paris or Londong or some tiny town no one would notice was gone?. Especially when the cost of opening the gate that keeps their beloved deity trapped beneath the earth is Ashrinn’s lifeWhy? What's so special about him?.

Peace is as fleeting as ice cream on a Tehran street corner when the battle for Seattle threatens to tear the city and surrounding environs apartOh, Washington STATE? I thought you meant D.C., k, that makes more sense then. An ill equipped paladin order with a man marked for sacrifice as one of its greatest generals is a poor start to a warwait, this whole time I thought the Paladins were the cultists? They're not? If so, definitely make that clearer. The way I was reading it was he tried to restore the Paladins only to find out they were freaky cultists bent on global domination..

An abusive wife dabbling in black magic, an affair with the man who quickly becomes the love of Ashrinn’s life despite the clandestine nature of their romance, and directing a strike team of magical misfits all seem civilized compared to being the object of the Cult’s bloody affections. But he and Malkai, focused on the obvious threat, fail to detect the true peril: their own neglected children.you just changed genres from action/suspense to romance. This sounds like a subplot and you might consider removing it and leaving it for a synopsis. The query reads action/suspense, action/suspense, romance, action/suspense, see? I'd remove that, focus on the action/suspense and bring in the romance as a subplot in the synopsis.

When the imminent destruction of everything dear is an inside job and Washington is crawling with the corrupted, Ashrinn must contend with an even greater horror; The knowledge that sacrifice doesn’t begin with death.

It only ends therethis is cool.

Sacrificial Magic is a dark urban fantasy, complete at <word count> My study of criminal psychology and LGBT issues inspires me to write character driven tales about identity and loss.I'm wishy washy on ths sentence. I think it sounds fine ending at your word count. Janet Reid again doesn't like stuff like this, she wants to know if you can't write, and inspiration doesn't really impact that. Up to you though.

I think this is a good idea, and a good start - you just need to trim it down and tighten it up is all. I hope it helps and good luck! :)

[TigerGray]

Thanks very much. Since I think the first rule of accepting crit is shutting up, I will only say that the reference to orange is from Nathan's article on query personalization. I've read every single query shark entry and if I were querying her I would certainly put that at the bottom. Kristin Nelson, on the other hand, seems to like it on top. Thanks again.

[D.S. Deshaw]

There's a whole lot going on in your query and I'm really confused. It definitely needs tightening, and a lot of details need to be taken out and/or explained better--but I would mainly take it out for word count. I think you should forget about the back story. Start with where the action begins. He starts believing in magic, great! When does this become a problem, why is it a problem, and how does he fix it? That's what your query should be about. Mentioning every element in your book doesn't belong in a query; it just makes it confusing.

You're also using words/phrases that don't work. "Surrounding environs" is obscure and as someone who lives in one of those surrounding environs, it's kind of off-putting. I'm confused about this serpentine demon-god. I'm confused about the Tehran streets and the ice cream. What does paladin mean? And what DOES Seattle/Washington have to do with all of this?

"My study of criminal psychology and LGBT issues inspires me to write character driven tales about identity and loss."

You can mention your study of psychology and LGBT issues as inspiration, but you shouldn't say anything about the themes of your book (identity and loss). That should be shown in your query or otherwise not included.

I'll await your revision. It seems like there's a really unique plot in there.

[TigerGray]

Thanks D.S. I appreciate your time.

Can I ask why "surrounding environs" bothers you? My MC is an academic sort of guy and I wanted to capture his rather formal way of speaking. Is it not working for you in that sense?

Thanks again.

[D.S. Deshaw]

Thanks D.S. I appreciate your time.

Can I ask why "surrounding environs" bothers you? My MC is an academic sort of guy and I wanted to capture his rather formal way of speaking. Is it not working for you in that sense?

Thanks again.

No, it definitely doesn't work for me in that sense. Being academic and sounding like a droll biology professor are two different things. Make him seem smart in what he does and that should do the trick. I wanted my MC to sound smart, too, but I kept getting comments about not trying to show off my vocabulary. Now she sounds like a normal person; it's the things she says and the things she does that make her come across as smart.

I do commend you for trying to portray a strong voice, though... but voice doesn't happen in vocabulary (sadly).

[TigerGray]

important things to think about. i appreciate the help.

[Jaligard]

I, too, thought the query was un-focused. Stick to the main story arc. Cut down on the place names.

One thing that caught me was all the compound words missing their hyphens. It's nit-picky, but it bothered me.

Iranian-born
British-bred
anti-terrorism
second-in-command
community-oriented
demon god (can go either way, I think)
ill-equipped

[Hilary]

I addressed this to Nathan so I could practice personalization.

Have at! Thank you in advance

(this is actually like 350 words, which just skates by for word count on a query.)
***

Mr. Bransford,

I am a regular participant on your forums. I appreciate the time you take out of your busy day to encourage and help writers of all skill levels. I too am inordinately attached to the color orange. Since your interest encompasses many genres, I think that my urban fantasy novel might work for you.

Iranian born, British bred Ashrinn Pinecroft made an unlikely career out of the American military’s elite anti terrorism unit, Delta force. But when a sniper’s bullet cuts that career short, Ashrinn will do anything to feel useful.

Even believe in magic.

With Malkai, his best friend and former second in command at his side, revitalizing the community oriented Pacific Northwest paladin order could certainly be worse.

Unfortunately, Ashrinn soon discovers that it’s always worse with Cultists, especially when those Cultists will do anything to take Washington for their serpentine demon-god. Especially when the cost of opening the gate that keeps their beloved deity trapped beneath the earth is Ashrinn’s life.

Peace is as fleeting as ice cream on a Tehran street corner when the battle for Seattle threatens to tear the city and surrounding environs apart. An ill equipped paladin order with a man marked for sacrifice as one of its greatest generals is a poor start to a war.

An abusive wife dabbling in black magic, an affair with the man who quickly becomes the love of Ashrinn’s life despite the clandestine nature of their romance, and directing a strike team of magical misfits all seem civilized compared to being the object of the Cult’s bloody affections. But he and Malkai, focused on the obvious threat, fail to detect the true peril: their own neglected children.

When the imminent destruction of everything dear is an inside job and Washington is crawling with the corrupted, Ashrinn must contend with an even greater horror; The knowledge that sacrifice doesn’t begin with death.

It only ends there.

Sacrificial magic is a dark urban fantasy, complete at <word count> My study of criminal psychology and LGBT issues inspires me to write character driven tales about identity and loss.

I think you're off to a great start. Now it's time to clear some extraneous info away and add a few things to clarify the plot.

I agree with some of the other writers. The paragraph about the abusive wife and family issues are subplots that don't need to be here. The semicolon here greater horror; The is not correct.

Why is Ashrinn marked for sacrifice? What's actually going on with this conflict? I think if you explain what the paladin order is, and how it relates to the Cult, it might make a little more sense for me. I'm finding it hard to follow. I'd suggest you focus on Ashrinn and explain a bit more about what he's trying to do and why.

Good job!

[Hilary]

I addressed this to Nathan so I could practice personalization.

Have at! Thank you in advance

(this is actually like 350 words, which just skates by for word count on a query.)
***

Mr. Bransford,

I am a regular participant on your forums. I appreciate the time you take out of your busy day to encourage and help writers of all skill levels. I too am inordinately attached to the color orange. Since your interest encompasses many genres, I think that my urban fantasy novel might work for you.

Iranian born, British bred Ashrinn Pinecroft made an unlikely career out of the American military’s elite anti terrorism unit, Delta force. But when a sniper’s bullet cuts that career short, Ashrinn will do anything to feel useful.

Even believe in magic.

With Malkai, his best friend and former second in command at his side, revitalizing the community oriented Pacific Northwest paladin order could certainly be worse.

Unfortunately, Ashrinn soon discovers that it’s always worse with Cultists, especially when those Cultists will do anything to take Washington for their serpentine demon-god. Especially when the cost of opening the gate that keeps their beloved deity trapped beneath the earth is Ashrinn’s life.

Peace is as fleeting as ice cream on a Tehran street corner when the battle for Seattle threatens to tear the city and surrounding environs apart. An ill equipped paladin order with a man marked for sacrifice as one of its greatest generals is a poor start to a war.

An abusive wife dabbling in black magic, an affair with the man who quickly becomes the love of Ashrinn’s life despite the clandestine nature of their romance, and directing a strike team of magical misfits all seem civilized compared to being the object of the Cult’s bloody affections. But he and Malkai, focused on the obvious threat, fail to detect the true peril: their own neglected children.

When the imminent destruction of everything dear is an inside job and Washington is crawling with the corrupted, Ashrinn must contend with an even greater horror; The knowledge that sacrifice doesn’t begin with death.

It only ends there.

Sacrificial magic is a dark urban fantasy, complete at <word count> My study of criminal psychology and LGBT issues inspires me to write character driven tales about identity and loss.

I think you're off to a great start. Now it's time to clear some extraneous info away and add a few things to clarify the plot.

I agree with some of the other writers. The paragraph about the abusive wife and family issues are subplots that don't need to be here. The semicolon here greater horror; The is not correct.

Why is Ashrinn marked for sacrifice? What's actually going on with this conflict? I think if you explain what the paladin order is, and how it relates to the Cult, it might make a little more sense for me. I'm finding it hard to follow. I'd suggest you focus on Ashrinn and explain a bit more about what he's trying to do and why.

[Hilary]

I think you're off to a great start. Now it's time to clear some extraneous info away and add a few things to clarify the plot.

I agree with some of the other writers. The paragraph about the abusive wife and family issues are subplots that don't need to be here. The semicolon here greater horror; The is not correct.

Why is Ashrinn marked for sacrifice? What's actually going on with this conflict? I think if you explain what the paladin order is, and how it relates to the Cult, it might make a little more sense for me. I'm finding it hard to follow. I'd suggest you focus on Ashrinn and explain a bit more about what he's trying to do and why.

[TigerGray]

Thanks for your comments. I have revised since but I am waiting for some in-person feedback from a couple of folk before I re-post on the internet.