Chasing Miracles - Fantasy [Last Post - Updated] Try Nth! XD

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stephmcgee
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Re: Chasing Miracles - Fantasy [Last Post - Updated] Try Nth! XD

Post by stephmcgee » September 25th, 2010, 10:47 am

As a child, Carmine Caudatus had never given much thought to life or death. I liked the first line from before, holding death and life in his hands. Can you incorporate that image more into this and the next paragraph?

A genius bBlessed with the Power of the Rose, he could bring his mechanical creations to move with a breath from his lips and a twist of the clockwork key gifted to him by his emotionally distant Mother.

In his eyes, he had nothing to fear of death, and could reverse it, even if it came for his loved ones.This sentence doesn't read smoothly for me. You might look at the word order and see if you can iron out any kinks. But I like the sentiment in the sentence.

Yet when it came for his servantWhat kind of servant? His tutor? His riding instructor? At 13, they're more his parents' servants are they not? and friend Thomas, he found himself locked into a contract with the Fallen Watcher Bezaliel. Maybe just a word or two to explain what a fallen watcher is. Watcher of what?For a body is just an empty vessel without a soul. Lovely.Now if he cannot complete the contract's requirements before his thirteenth The age is important, I feel. Could it come out earlier? With your last query I felt that Carmine was an adult, a ruler, etc. Now I learn that he's just about to be a teenager and that the world is opening up around him.birthday, he will lose not only his soul, but the soul of his friend as well.This last part about losing both souls reads awkwardly.

Upon searching outobtaining the final item thatthe angel requires, Carmine's world becomes much more complicated when Heaven decides to get involved. With angels and demons on either side of an impending battle, Carmine must decide whether or notWith "whether" you don't need the "or not." It's implied in the word. to let go of the friend he has fought so desperately to hold onto.

I think this query is really well done. There's an interesting premise coming through and I definitely get a good sense of where the conflict, both internal and external will reside. Some of the wording is a little awkward, but I think that's a minor detail in a well-crafted query. Best of luck with this novel!

Chasing Miracles is a fantasy complete around 115,000 words. I hope you will consider my request and I look forward to working with you.

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sierramcconnell
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Re: Chasing Miracles - Fantasy [Last Post - Updated] Try Nth! XD

Post by sierramcconnell » September 25th, 2010, 10:51 am

This is a problem I'm running into.

Doesn't ANYONE know who the Watchers are? Doesn't ANYONE read the Bible anymore? Dear God, it's worse than I thought!

They are the ones who bred the first Nephilim. They are mentioned in Genesis 6!

[smacks face to desk]
I'm on Tumblr!

The blog died...but so did I...and now I'm alive again! OMG.

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