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Urban Fantasy WHAT A PAINE!

Posted: August 27th, 2010, 3:02 pm
by amyashley
I posted this in Nathan's forum as well. I am about 4 chapters from finished so making final edits and working on the query so it is ready to send out! Word count is still a guess. Just looking for some input. Thanks!!


Dear Agent,

When Reece Paine’s week starts to flip into the foul side of freaky, she has to use her wits to make it through each day. Reece is your normal urban mom. She likes chocolate, loves to shop, and is firmly convinced her mother in law is Satan. Reece is also a vampire.

Reece has a task, documenting her interactions with paranormals to set records straight with the rest of the world. Most paranormals, are basically human with genetic twists and a bad reputation. Unfortunately, she has to cope with family issues, extra jobs, and the always nosy Satan, just to get through the week.

Will Reece be able to use her brassy humor, wits, and cookie bribery to deal with stripping senior succubi and troll sit-ins? Can she rescue her demon husband from a demolition job gone bad? Can she teach political maneuvering to an egomaniacal angel? Above all, can Reece balance being a mom, wife, friend, and still manage to do her job? She’ll definitely need a lot more coffee this week.

My urban fantasy novel, WHAT A PAINE!, is approximately 80,000 words, and available upon request. I appreciate your consideration.

Amy Ashley

Re: Urban Fantasy WHAT A PAINE!

Posted: August 27th, 2010, 3:07 pm
by sierramcconnell
To me, and please don't take it the wrong way, it seems very choppy and unfinished. It doesn't flow well and it leaves me feeling very confused. I'm not even sure where to begin.

You start with a bit of plot, then go to character introduction. I would start with character intro and then go to plot and flow that way, focusing on one main plot element before flowing into a little description of how the world works, if you need it, to start with.

But the flow is really off, is your main thing. And that would immediately throw off the agent, I'm afraid.

Re: Urban Fantasy WHAT A PAINE!

Posted: August 27th, 2010, 3:25 pm
by thewhipslip
[
Dear Agent,

When Reece Paine’s week starts to flip into the foul side of freaky, she has to use her wits to make it through each day This is fine, but I don't think it belongs in a query. It doesn't tell us anything relevant about the novel.. Reece is your normal urban mom. She likes chocolate, loves to shop, and is firmly convinced her mother in law is Satan. Reece is also a vampire. The rest is good. These are the specifics that we need to know.

Reece has a task, documenting her interactions with paranormals to set records straight with the rest of the world. Most paranormals, are basically human with genetic twists and a bad reputation. Unfortunately, she has to cope with family issues, extra jobs, and the always nosy Satan, just to get through the week. 1) not clear what her task is. She interviews them? Writes blog posts about them? Be specific about what she's doing with the paranormals, and also, why she's doing it. I'm assuming that humans know about all of these magical creatures. Is there a lot of prejudice against them? Tell us the specifics here so we understand the conflict.

Will Reece be able to use her brassy humor, wits, and cookie bribery to deal with stripping senior succubi and troll sit-ins I love the last two examples here. Those are specifics that make me want to read the book.? Can she rescue her demon husband from a demolition job gone bad? Can she teach political maneuvering to an egomaniacal angel? Above all, can Reece balance being a mom, wife, friend, and still manage to do her job? She’ll definitely need a lot more coffee this week. I'm not a fan of the question marks in this paragraph. And while I see where there are conflicts in this novel, I'm not getting a feel for what the major plot consists of. What's at stake for Reece? What is her major story arc? What's the catalyst for the plot? What does she have to lose?

My urban fantasy novel, WHAT A PAINE!, is approximately 80,000 words, and available upon request. I appreciate your consideration.

Amy Ashley[/quote]

Re: Urban Fantasy WHAT A PAINE!

Posted: August 27th, 2010, 4:08 pm
by amyashley
Rewritten
Dear Agent,
Reece is your normal urban mom. She likes chocolate, loves to shop, and is firmly convinced her mother in law is Satan. She freelances for her former full-time employer while doing diaper duty at home. Reece is also a vampire.

As an Interpreter for BOPS (The Bureau of Paranormal Services), she investigates convoluted situations and gives her report. Reece’s employer asks her to write about some of her interactions with other paranormals she runs into on the job. Hopfully she can reveal the truth to the public: paranormals exist, and their bad reputations are almost all that seperates them from us.

Reece tries to juggle work and family crises arising simultaneously, facing the possible loss of family and harm to her friends. Ultimately she learns that the job she’s been asked to do is part of a larger scheme, and the “monsters” are only as monstrous as the humans they live beside.

Will Reece be able to use her brassy humor, wits, and cookie bribery to deal with stripping senior succubi and troll sit-ins? Balancing family and work is always a chore, but Reece shows that normal doesn’t always mean ordinary. She’ll definitely need a lot more coffee this week.

My urban fantasy novel, WHAT A PAINE, is approximately 80,000 words and available upon request. I appreciate your consideration.
Amy Ashley


I think this sounds better over all. It is very difficult to determine a length! "One page" loses most meaning when translated into an e-mail. Also, I have no intention of giving away the entire novel or answering every single question in the uery, becuse that would take about 30 pages to do, and then we'd have a novella. You want them to wonder about some things, right? That is why they ask for the manuscript.

Re: Urban Fantasy WHAT A PAINE!

Posted: August 27th, 2010, 5:39 pm
by oldhousejunkie
This has so much potential and yet it's not coming through.

To answer your question, you have 250 words, bascially, to get your point across. And yes, you want to leave them wanting to read more, not wondering what is going on.

If you haven't finished the last four chapters, and you're not the type of writer who storyboards, then I might would wait until you finish completely. I know that writing my last four chapters resulted in something completely different from what I originally imagined. Additionally, my reader pointed out several flaws that needed correcting, and that led me to more plot revisions.

Focus on your last four, and while your manuscript is out to a reader for comments and revisions, focus on your query.

Just my two cents. :-)

Best of luck to you!

Re: Urban Fantasy WHAT A PAINE!

Posted: August 27th, 2010, 5:59 pm
by amyashley
Thanks oldhousejunkie, on length. I will rework this some more. I think there is entirely too many questions about her job and who she is, and that is NOT the focus of the book at ALL. This gets covered in the first chapter and then it is over. It's difficult to condense in a query, however.

I don't storyboard, but I have notes on separate plot lines, and how they will resolve. I am very certain how most of it will resolve other than small details. I have had 14 First Readers reading along and aiding in my editing. It has been edited about 5 times now. I will edit the entire MS once more after completion, send it to two different grammar beasts for review, then 3 fresh beta readers. I can focus more on the query then but I would like to get a start. I'm very motivated.

I appreciate the input.

Re: Urban Fantasy WHAT A PAINE!

Posted: August 27th, 2010, 6:03 pm
by oldhousejunkie
amyashley wrote:Thanks oldhousejunkie, on length. I will rework this some more. I think there is entirely too many questions about her job and who she is, and that is NOT the focus of the book at ALL. This gets covered in the first chapter and then it is over. It's difficult to condense in a query, however.

I don't storyboard, but I have notes on separate plot lines, and how they will resolve. I am very certain how most of it will resolve other than small details. I have had 14 First Readers reading along and aiding in my editing. It has been edited about 5 times now. I will edit the entire MS once more after completion, send it to two different grammar beasts for review, then 3 fresh beta readers. I can focus more on the query then but I would like to get a start. I'm very motivated.

I appreciate the input.
Excellent...and I feel 'ya about the motivation part. Unfortunately, I've probably focused too much on my query and not on finishing the few chapters that I'm re-working. Bad author! :-)

Re: Urban Fantasy WHAT A PAINE!

Posted: August 27th, 2010, 7:08 pm
by Jaligard
I still have no idea what the plot is. I get that "the job she's been asked to do is part of a larger scheme," but that isn't nearly as vivid as bribing stripping succubi with cookies. It gets lost.