sammyig wrote:Here is my latest draft.
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Dear Agent:
“You know you’ve been on the streets too long when the sound of an old man urinating in an alley sounds like falling rain,” Mathias thought . . . This doesn't actually mean anything. I would not advise you including it.
Mathias never thought that he would live anywhere but the streets, and he figured he’d die before he turned eighteen. He was right, about some of it. After being gunned down in a drive-by shooting, Mathias is saved by a vampire. It seems that the vampire world believes him to be a reincarnation of an ancient king. Does he know why they think this? Have they been watching him? Why have they let him wander around on the streets for this long? Also if you could perhaps work in more of a sense of place, I might have a bit more to hold on to here. Is it a windy Chicago side street? A Detroit ghetto? Just a little flavor could go a long way.
Mathias tries to convince them otherwise, but an encounter with Lilith, the Queen, causes him to have strange dreams about people, circumstances, and places he knows nothing about. When the Queen traps him in a dark hallway and slices his face with her claw, all the memories of his past life come back to Mathias, including memories of the Queen torturing him. He is their lost king, and it was Queen Lilith who killed him. Still hate the name. If she has him trapped, why doesn't she just kill him right there? Also their two encounters seem like something of a repeat; each one gives him visions and so forth. Can they be condensed in to a single encounter?
When Mathias finds out that the Queen plans to kill him again, he decides that it is time for her to die and save himself.
I should think being slashed at by a maddened vampire woman in a dark alley would be something of a clue. Maybe expand on this some. Does he embrace his past as a king, or reject it? Does he grow in to a modern version, taking over the supernatural world for his own? Give me stakes that are greater than his individual life.
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word fantasy featuring vampires, reincarnation, and a boy’s quest to be allowed to live.
I think you can leave off the "featuring" parts. They know that from the query.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
"Who knows themselves better than the blind?' - for every thought becomes a tool." --Luis Borges
http://tigergray.blogspot.com/
http://tigergray.blogspot.com/
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Hi,
I like the idea, too. Here are my edits; the red is a cut or comment, the yellow an add.
I like the idea, too. Here are my edits; the red is a cut or comment, the yellow an add.
sammyig wrote:Here's my new letter.
------------------------------------------------
Dear Agent:
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word YA fantasy.
Mathias is a street kid. He never thought he would live anywhere but the streets and die before he turned eighteen. He was right...about some it of.
After being gunned down in a drive-by shooting, Mathias is saved by a vampire only to find out that the vampire has an with an ulterior motive. [one space between sentences] The vampire world believes him Mathias is to be the reincarnation of a long lost vampire king.
Mathias tries to convince them otherwise, but then he has an encounters with Lilith, the Queen and supreme monarch of the vampire world. After that, he begins to have strange dreams about things, places, and circumstances he knows nothing about. When the Queen traps him in a dark hallway and slices his face with her claw, attacks him, all of the memories of his past life come back to Mathias return. He is their long lost king, and it was Queen Lilith who killed him. Is she the one who did the drive by?
When Mathias finds out that the Queen plans to kill him again [how can he be killed twice, especially since he is undead?], he decides that it is time to end her rule and save himself. How does he do this?
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
-
thewhipslip
- Posts: 179
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Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
The one thing I'm getting from this is that there's a lot of remembering. I would focus more on the action here, or the agent might think the majority of the book is spent in flashbacks.
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
OK, here's another draft. Just to clear something up. While my protagonist starts at thirteen, this is not a YA fantasy. There are too many extremely violent scenes and then there's the foul language of the street. I honestly can't see any way for it to be even considered YA.
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Dear Agent:
How would you feel if you found out that you weren’t yourself? Even worse, how would you feel if you found out that you were the reincarnation of an old vampire king? And then you can add the part about the person who caused your death is now the ruling monarch of the vampire world. Kind of makes you want to go crazy, doesn’t it?
Mathias is a street kid. He believes that he will die on the streets, and he’s right.
After being gunned down in a drive-by shooting, Mathias is saved by a vampire. But things are not wonderful, the vampire world believes that he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. He tries to convince them otherwise, who wouldn’t?
But then he meets the current Queen, Lilith, otherwise known as the mother of all vampires, she acts strangely towards him, and Mathias begins to have odd dreams about places he’s never been. When the Queen attacks him, the memories of his past life come back to him, including the memory that Lilith had been the one to cause his death.
When Mathias finds out that she plans to try to kill him again, he knows he has to stop it. She is insane, and if she isn’t stopped, a good portion of vampire royalty will be annihilated. So what is a former street kid/reincarnated vampire king to do?
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Agent:
How would you feel if you found out that you weren’t yourself? Even worse, how would you feel if you found out that you were the reincarnation of an old vampire king? And then you can add the part about the person who caused your death is now the ruling monarch of the vampire world. Kind of makes you want to go crazy, doesn’t it?
Mathias is a street kid. He believes that he will die on the streets, and he’s right.
After being gunned down in a drive-by shooting, Mathias is saved by a vampire. But things are not wonderful, the vampire world believes that he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. He tries to convince them otherwise, who wouldn’t?
But then he meets the current Queen, Lilith, otherwise known as the mother of all vampires, she acts strangely towards him, and Mathias begins to have odd dreams about places he’s never been. When the Queen attacks him, the memories of his past life come back to him, including the memory that Lilith had been the one to cause his death.
When Mathias finds out that she plans to try to kill him again, he knows he has to stop it. She is insane, and if she isn’t stopped, a good portion of vampire royalty will be annihilated. So what is a former street kid/reincarnated vampire king to do?
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
-
thewhipslip
- Posts: 179
- Joined: July 15th, 2010, 2:18 pm
- Contact:
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Overall, I think you need to cut the chaff away here. Queries should be blunt and specific. Here's how I would organize your query:
I would cut the new first paragraph because it simply repeats what you say later (and I've heard many agents say how they don't like questions starting out a query).
What we need to know:
Thirteen-year-old Mathias is a street-kid, fighting to stay alive. Now he's fighting to stay dead. (Or something like that)
When he's turned into a vampire, he finds out that instead of being homeless, he's got a kingdom. Mathias is the reincarnation of an old vampire king, now brought back to his throne. Too bad the Queen wanted him to say buried.
After the Queen attacks Mathias, he is bombarded with memories of his former life - and the recollection that Lilith was reponsible for his death. Unfortunately for Mathias, she hasn't lost her craving for his blood. If he doesn't act fast, he'll be dead. Again
***
Okay, so that's a very rough draft obviously, but hopefully it will give you an idea of how you can shape this. My first problem is that you need to find a way to distinguish being dead from alive. They're vampires, so they're already dead (presumably), but they can still die, so killing them isn't really making theam dead, just deader. That's going to be a bit of a challenge to the wording of this query.
Hopet his helps!
Dear Agent:
How would you feel if you found out that you weren’t yourself? Even worse, how would you feel if you found out that you were the reincarnation of an old vampire king? And then you can add the part about the person who caused your death is now the ruling monarch of the vampire world. Kind of makes you want to go crazy, doesn’t it?
Mathias is a street kid. He believes that he will die on the streets, and he’s right.
After being gunned down in a drive-by shooting, Mathias is saved by a vampire. But things are not wonderful, the vampire world believes that he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. He tries to convince them otherwise, who wouldn’t?
But then he meets the current Queen, Lilith, otherwise known as the mother of all vampires, she acts strangely towards him, and Mathias begins to have odd dreams about places he’s never been. When the Queen attacks him, the memories of his past life come back to him, including the memory that Lilith had been the one to cause his death.
When Mathias finds out that she plans to try to kill him again, he knows he has to stop it. She is insane, and if she isn’t stopped, a good portion of vampire royalty will be annihilated. So what is a former street kid/reincarnated vampire king to do?
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,[/quote]
I would cut the new first paragraph because it simply repeats what you say later (and I've heard many agents say how they don't like questions starting out a query).
What we need to know:
Thirteen-year-old Mathias is a street-kid, fighting to stay alive. Now he's fighting to stay dead. (Or something like that)
When he's turned into a vampire, he finds out that instead of being homeless, he's got a kingdom. Mathias is the reincarnation of an old vampire king, now brought back to his throne. Too bad the Queen wanted him to say buried.
After the Queen attacks Mathias, he is bombarded with memories of his former life - and the recollection that Lilith was reponsible for his death. Unfortunately for Mathias, she hasn't lost her craving for his blood. If he doesn't act fast, he'll be dead. Again
***
Okay, so that's a very rough draft obviously, but hopefully it will give you an idea of how you can shape this. My first problem is that you need to find a way to distinguish being dead from alive. They're vampires, so they're already dead (presumably), but they can still die, so killing them isn't really making theam dead, just deader. That's going to be a bit of a challenge to the wording of this query.
Hopet his helps!
Dear Agent:
How would you feel if you found out that you weren’t yourself? Even worse, how would you feel if you found out that you were the reincarnation of an old vampire king? And then you can add the part about the person who caused your death is now the ruling monarch of the vampire world. Kind of makes you want to go crazy, doesn’t it?
Mathias is a street kid. He believes that he will die on the streets, and he’s right.
After being gunned down in a drive-by shooting, Mathias is saved by a vampire. But things are not wonderful, the vampire world believes that he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. He tries to convince them otherwise, who wouldn’t?
But then he meets the current Queen, Lilith, otherwise known as the mother of all vampires, she acts strangely towards him, and Mathias begins to have odd dreams about places he’s never been. When the Queen attacks him, the memories of his past life come back to him, including the memory that Lilith had been the one to cause his death.
When Mathias finds out that she plans to try to kill him again, he knows he has to stop it. She is insane, and if she isn’t stopped, a good portion of vampire royalty will be annihilated. So what is a former street kid/reincarnated vampire king to do?
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,[/quote]
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
sammyig wrote:OK, here's another draft. Just to clear something up. While my protagonist starts at thirteen, this is not a YA fantasy. There are too many extremely violent scenes and then there's the foul language of the street. I honestly can't see any way for it to be even considered YA.
Lots of YA is violent and has swearing in it. Nathan posted about the Hunger Games recently, talking about this very topic. YA, in my experience, is expected to be a bit edgy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Agent:
How would you feel if you found out that you weren’t yourself? Even worse, how would you feel if you found out that you were the reincarnation of an old vampire king? And then you can add the part about the person who caused your death is now the ruling monarch of the vampire world. Kind of makes you want to go crazy, doesn’t it?
Everything I have read about what agents prefer in cover letters advises you avoid the rhetorical question opening.
Mathias is a street kid. He believes that he will die on the streets, and he’s right.
I like this much better
After being gunned down in a drive-by shooting, Mathias is saved by a vampire. But things are not wonderful, the vampire world believes that he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. Odd sentence structure. Why would it be assumed that being a vampire is wonderful, so it's a surprise when they're not? I would think most people would figure the opposite He tries to convince them otherwise, who wouldn’t?
But then he meets the current Queen, Lilith, otherwise known as the mother of all vampires, LKH's Mother of All Darkness. Might want to tweak thatshe acts strangely towards him, and Mathias begins to have odd dreams about places he’s never been. When the Queen attacks him, the memories of his past life come back to him, including the memory that Lilith had been the one to cause his death. Just curious why she doesn't attack him straight away upon meeting him
When Mathias finds out that she plans to try to kill him again, he knows he has to stop it. She is insane, and if she isn’t stopped, a good portion of vampire royalty will be annihilated. So what is a former street kid/reincarnated vampire king to do? So does his death mean other vampires will also die? How does his being this reincarnated King factor in to the fate of other vampires?
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
"Who knows themselves better than the blind?' - for every thought becomes a tool." --Luis Borges
http://tigergray.blogspot.com/
http://tigergray.blogspot.com/
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Sammyig,
I'll be honest and say that this latest version is not a step forward. The previous version was much better. I agree with the others that you should simply get to the point, which is what the second one did very well.
On top of that, there are dozens of agents that will tell you never to open a query with rhetorical questions. Just don't do it. There's really no reason to ask questions. If you ask a question, and the agent responds with something other than what you've anticipated, you've lost the agent, and they're already off and reading something else. Your previous hook was much better. My advice, scrap this version, and go back to version 2.x
I'll be honest and say that this latest version is not a step forward. The previous version was much better. I agree with the others that you should simply get to the point, which is what the second one did very well.
On top of that, there are dozens of agents that will tell you never to open a query with rhetorical questions. Just don't do it. There's really no reason to ask questions. If you ask a question, and the agent responds with something other than what you've anticipated, you've lost the agent, and they're already off and reading something else. Your previous hook was much better. My advice, scrap this version, and go back to version 2.x
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
I was trying to follow advice one of the others gave about getting Mathias' voice into the query. Thank you very much for all of the comments. I will go back to version 2.0 and see what happens.
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Ok another try here.
------------------------------
Dear Agent:
Birthdays are supposed to be filled with candy, cake, and presents. But for Mathias, his thirteenth birthday means getting gunned down in a drive by shooting and being turned into a vampire.
Unfortunately, Mathias’ turning was planned; the vampire kingdom believes him to be the reincarnation of an ancient king. When he starts having dreams about ancient places and events he knows nothing about, Mathias starts to wonder if perhaps the vampires are right. Lilith, the first vampire and current Queen, traps Mathias in a dark hallway and slices his face with her claw. That instance of pain, and her smell, bring the memories back to him. He is the long lost king, and it was Lilith who caused his death.
When Mathias finds out that the Queen has new plans to kill him, he decides that it is time to end her rule and save himself.
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word YA fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
------------------------------
Dear Agent:
Birthdays are supposed to be filled with candy, cake, and presents. But for Mathias, his thirteenth birthday means getting gunned down in a drive by shooting and being turned into a vampire.
Unfortunately, Mathias’ turning was planned; the vampire kingdom believes him to be the reincarnation of an ancient king. When he starts having dreams about ancient places and events he knows nothing about, Mathias starts to wonder if perhaps the vampires are right. Lilith, the first vampire and current Queen, traps Mathias in a dark hallway and slices his face with her claw. That instance of pain, and her smell, bring the memories back to him. He is the long lost king, and it was Lilith who caused his death.
When Mathias finds out that the Queen has new plans to kill him, he decides that it is time to end her rule and save himself.
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word YA fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
-
D.S. Deshaw
- Posts: 65
- Joined: July 22nd, 2010, 2:27 am
- Contact:
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Hi! I see some improvement here so good job! I think some things need to be tightened up a bit and perhaps a bit more detail added here and there and it’ll be really engaging!
I think you're hanging on the fence between including detail here. I know you want to keep things a secret but the agent doesn't want you to. You shouldn't include the ending but you shouldn't leave us hanging so much that we're thinking how you could even pull the story off. I liked the birthday bit in the beginning. I'm surprised he's thirteen, but that's interesting. I can't imagine these vampires being too scary then, though. I'm thinking Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant or The Saga of Darren Shan. If it's something darker than that, I'd like one sentence about what the vampire world is like (showing though, not telling).Birthdays are supposed to be filled with candy, cake, and presents. But forMathias, ’ his thirteenth birthday means getting gunned down in a drive by shooting and being turned into a vampire was a drive-by shooting. This birthday thing is a great idea. I crossed out the first bit because birthday is freely associated with those things; it doesn't need to be stated. It is much stronger without it :) It's a good hook!
Mathias was turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, Mathias’ turning was planned; the vampire kingdom believes him to be he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. When he starts having dreams about ancient places and events he knows nothing about Perhaps be a bit specific here. Name one ancient place or event that he didn’t know anything about to give us an idea, Mathias starts to wonder if perhaps the vampires are right. Lilith, the first vampire and current Queen, traps Mathias in a dark hallway and slices his face with her claw. and his That instance of pain, and her smell, bring thememories come back to him. He is the long lost king, and it was Lilith who caused his death. How? Why? I crossed out the part about slicing his face and the pain because it makes me wonder why she didn’t just kill him then and there. If she WAS trying to kill him there, that’d be interesting. You could say he got away and we’d want to know how.
WhenMathias finds out that the Queen has new plans to kill him., hHe decides that it is time to end her ruleand save himself. He’d be reincarnated again, right? So I don’t think this would qualify as saving himself. If he wouldn't be reincarnated, then you should say it: that would up the stakes a lot more. Again, how does he plan on doing this? Does anything get in his way besides Lilith? The ending is obvious this way: he’ll kill her. Boring…
Show, not Tell -- blog, funny times, updated daily (weekends don't count).
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
OK, here's another draft. I've added more detail.
------------------------------
Dear Agent:
Mathias’ thirteenth birthday is a drive-by shooting.
Then, he is turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, Mathias’ turning was planned; the vampire kingdom believes he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. When he starts having dreams about being trapped in a moldy cell and the smell of roses, Mathias starts to wonder if perhaps the vampires are right. Lilith, the first vampire and current Queen, traps Mathias in a dark hallway and that meeting causes his memories to come back. He is the long lost king, and it was Lilith who caused his death.
After Mathias’ knowledge of the past is revealed at a party in front of members of the vampire court, the Queen decides that Mathias must die again. Six-hundred-years is a long time to wait for reincarnation and Mathias doesn’t want his existence to come to an end this quickly. He does the only thing he can do, prepare for a fight to the death.
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word YA fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
------------------------------
Dear Agent:
Mathias’ thirteenth birthday is a drive-by shooting.
Then, he is turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, Mathias’ turning was planned; the vampire kingdom believes he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. When he starts having dreams about being trapped in a moldy cell and the smell of roses, Mathias starts to wonder if perhaps the vampires are right. Lilith, the first vampire and current Queen, traps Mathias in a dark hallway and that meeting causes his memories to come back. He is the long lost king, and it was Lilith who caused his death.
After Mathias’ knowledge of the past is revealed at a party in front of members of the vampire court, the Queen decides that Mathias must die again. Six-hundred-years is a long time to wait for reincarnation and Mathias doesn’t want his existence to come to an end this quickly. He does the only thing he can do, prepare for a fight to the death.
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word YA fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
I would like to begin by saying that this is showing a lot of intensity and improving. I would not have read it intitially, probably still would not, because I am not a fan of YA-BUT if I were an agent I would ask for the MS because it sounds really gripping.
Dear Agent:
Mathias’ thirteenth birthday is a drive-by shooting. THIS is a great first line.Horrifying, attention grabbing, and DIFFERENT. Good work.
reworkThen, he is turned into a vampire.rework-"Dying from the shooting, Matthias is turned into a vampire" maybe something like that-the current sentence is a little bland cutUnfortunately,cut Mathias’ turning was planned; the vampire kingdom believes he is the reincarnation of an ancient king.cut When he starts having dreams about being trapped in a moldy cell and the smell of roses,cuthere I would switch these two sentences. Mathias starts to wonder if perhaps the vampires are right. Lilith, the first vampire and current Queen, traps Mathias in a dark hallway and that meeting causes his memories to come back. switch sentences around to flow betterInsert Perhaps (Even if he IS, it will leave the agent guessing I thinkHe is the long lost king, and it was Lilith who caused his death.
cutAfter Mathias’ knowledge of the past is revealed at a party in front of members of the vampire court, cutthe Queen decides that Mathias must die again. Six-hundred-years is a long time to wait for reincarnation and Mathias doesn’t want his existence to come to an end this quickly. He does the only thing he can do, prepare for a fight to the death.
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word YA fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
It is shorter, It is tighter, but it could leave room to tailor a few lines about why you are submitting to each particular agent. Also, It can make this pop some more.
Dear Agent:
Mathias’ thirteenth birthday is a drive-by shooting. THIS is a great first line.Horrifying, attention grabbing, and DIFFERENT. Good work.
reworkThen, he is turned into a vampire.rework-"Dying from the shooting, Matthias is turned into a vampire" maybe something like that-the current sentence is a little bland cutUnfortunately,cut Mathias’ turning was planned; the vampire kingdom believes he is the reincarnation of an ancient king.cut When he starts having dreams about being trapped in a moldy cell and the smell of roses,cuthere I would switch these two sentences. Mathias starts to wonder if perhaps the vampires are right. Lilith, the first vampire and current Queen, traps Mathias in a dark hallway and that meeting causes his memories to come back. switch sentences around to flow betterInsert Perhaps (Even if he IS, it will leave the agent guessing I thinkHe is the long lost king, and it was Lilith who caused his death.
cutAfter Mathias’ knowledge of the past is revealed at a party in front of members of the vampire court, cutthe Queen decides that Mathias must die again. Six-hundred-years is a long time to wait for reincarnation and Mathias doesn’t want his existence to come to an end this quickly. He does the only thing he can do, prepare for a fight to the death.
RIDING ON THE TAIL OF THE DEVIL is an 80,000 word YA fantasy.
My short story, “Papap’s Teeth” was published by Dailey Swan Publishing in February of 2010. Riding on the Tail of the Devil is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
It is shorter, It is tighter, but it could leave room to tailor a few lines about why you are submitting to each particular agent. Also, It can make this pop some more.
-
D.S. Deshaw
- Posts: 65
- Joined: July 22nd, 2010, 2:27 am
- Contact:
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
Much better! I see a few places for improvement :)
I think you're close! You're sitting around 200 words so if you think you're missing some details, feel free to slip them in there :)sammyig wrote: Mathias’ thirteenth birthday is a drive-by shooting.
Then, he is turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, Mathias’ turning it was planned; the vampire kingdom believes he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. When he starts having dreams about being trapped in a moldy cell and the smell of roses, Mathias starts to wonder if perhaps the vampires are right. Lilith, the first vampire and current Queen, traps Mathias in a dark hallway and that the meeting causes his memories to come back. He is the long lost king, and it was Lilith who caused his death how would Mathias describe this? Maybe more like "Lilith killed him in cold blood" or "Lilith's fault he'd died". He narrowly escapes her, but his After Mathias’ knowledge of the past is revealed at a party in front of to members of the vampire court, the Queen decides that Mathias must die again. Suggestion: Mathias' existence threatens to destroy the Queen's reign once again and it's too late to run away now/he's ready to move back to the streets to get away from her.
Six-hundred-years is a long time to wait for reincarnation to be reincarnated again and Mathias doesn’t want his existence to come to an end this quickly. He does the only thing he can do/The Court tells him he'll be free and clear if he can do one thing,: prepare for a fight to the death.
Show, not Tell -- blog, funny times, updated daily (weekends don't count).
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
OK, another draft with comments taken into account. I hope this one is it!
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Agent:
Mathias' thirteenth birthday is a drive-by shooting.
Then, he is turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, it was planned; the vampire kingdom believes he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. When he starts having dreams about being trapped in a moldy cell and the smell of roses, Mathias starts to wonder if perhaps the vampires are right. Lilith, the first vampire and current Queen, traps Mathias in a dark hallway and this meeting causes his memories to come back. He is the long lost king, and it was Lilith's fault he'd died. He escapes her, but his knowledge of the past is revealed to members of the vampire court. Mathias' existence threatens to destroy the Queen's reign and it's too late for him to run away.
Six hundred years is a long time to wait to be reincarnated again and Mathias doesn't want this life to come to an end this quickly. He does the only thing he can do, submit to court law to prove his right to stay alive, and fight the Queen to the death.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Agent:
Mathias' thirteenth birthday is a drive-by shooting.
Then, he is turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, it was planned; the vampire kingdom believes he is the reincarnation of an ancient king. When he starts having dreams about being trapped in a moldy cell and the smell of roses, Mathias starts to wonder if perhaps the vampires are right. Lilith, the first vampire and current Queen, traps Mathias in a dark hallway and this meeting causes his memories to come back. He is the long lost king, and it was Lilith's fault he'd died. He escapes her, but his knowledge of the past is revealed to members of the vampire court. Mathias' existence threatens to destroy the Queen's reign and it's too late for him to run away.
Six hundred years is a long time to wait to be reincarnated again and Mathias doesn't want this life to come to an end this quickly. He does the only thing he can do, submit to court law to prove his right to stay alive, and fight the Queen to the death.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Re: Query- Riding on the Tail of the Devil
I think it is getting a lot better. I se one are that needs work, and you'll have it nailed. Your first sentence and last sentence are AWESOME, and have an intensity that is great. I think that it needs to be pulled in right here:
Then, he is turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, it was planned;
Having read so many different versions I know what is going on. An agent won't You need to rewrite this part to make it clear that Matthias was actually shot in that drive by. Otherwise, all the reader knows is that there was a drive by and Matthias was turned, but maybe they were connected and maybe not. It's a little gappy. Also, there is no indication in the following paragraph of why it is "unfortunate" that his turning was planned. I think it is a poor adjective to use because the meaning isn't clear.
I do feel that if you wanted to add in some details about him being unsure of who to trust, or seeking aid from that coucil you mentioned previously (without throwing in too much backstory) it might deepen things some. That is just my opinion though.
Really excellent work.
Then, he is turned into a vampire. Unfortunately, it was planned;
Having read so many different versions I know what is going on. An agent won't You need to rewrite this part to make it clear that Matthias was actually shot in that drive by. Otherwise, all the reader knows is that there was a drive by and Matthias was turned, but maybe they were connected and maybe not. It's a little gappy. Also, there is no indication in the following paragraph of why it is "unfortunate" that his turning was planned. I think it is a poor adjective to use because the meaning isn't clear.
I do feel that if you wanted to add in some details about him being unsure of who to trust, or seeking aid from that coucil you mentioned previously (without throwing in too much backstory) it might deepen things some. That is just my opinion though.
Really excellent work.
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