Query: Equinox -- YA romance (take 3)

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Re: Query: Equinox -- YA romance (take 3)

Post by RebeccaB » August 27th, 2010, 2:07 am

Yes I understand it is very odd reading someone elses idea of your query but I found it helped me see how it is coming across when others did the same with my query. Yes the aspects I put in is how your query attempts made me view your story. Which was my intention when writing my reply that way. Only going by what u had previously written allows u to clearly see how I perceived your novel.
Making sure your story comes accross the intended way is very important and very hard to do.

I hope this clarifies why I wrote the previous reply in that way.
I will remember for next time that that is not the kind of help u wish to receive.

Happy inking

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Joined: June 20th, 2010, 6:03 am

Re: Query: Equinox -- YA romance (take 3)

Post by clara_w » August 27th, 2010, 5:11 am

On take 3:

For Kenzie Johnson, keeping her mom around just got a lot harder.

Kenzie is on a first name basis with her mom. Her mom is never around and she doesn't even try to be--staying alive is more of her priority than being a wife or a mom. It doesn't help that Kenzie is involved with a boy that wants to kill her mom and a boy that her mom wants to leave. One of the best advice I got around here was: Be specific. This query isnt specific, whihc doesnt mean detailist, theres a fine line between these two. Here you are being detailist. For example, you could write: Kenzie's mom is a stranger to her; she had never even tried to be a wife and mom. She just wants to stay alive. PS: If you use that last sentence, tell us if she's worried because of a sickness.

Ryan is her best friend. Cut. Ryan was her best friend, until...Or, he was her best friend until she found out he wanted to kill her mom. He is one of the hunters that have been after her mom since Kenzie and her family moved to Washington a year ago. Kenzie's mom is a skin walker, a shape shifter no better than a serial killer to Ryan and his tribe. He promises Kenzie that he won't hurt her mother--he loves Kenzie so much that he'd risk betraying his tribe to keep her happy and protected.I'd strongly suggest putting the skin walker info on the first paragraph. The staying alive thing confused me quite a bit. You could start, for i.e.: Kenzie's mom is a skin walker, which doesn't give her many score points on the mom and wife duties.

Her mom isn't their only target, though--two new skin walkers overloaded the area's evil quota a few months ago and her mom takes advantage of their presence. By leaving. Her mom gives Kenzie an ultimatum: get the new skin walkers to leave or she won't come back. She would've done that if one of the skin walkers wasn't the new boy, Jack, who has been slowly winning her heart. He's not going anywhere, either, because he'd rather be with her than be without her.To much going on, yet this is the most interesting part of the story. I'd strongly recommend exploring this on the second paragraph.

Kenzie is in love with Ryan and Jack, but she can't be with both of them. She isn't even sure if she can be with either of them. While she's tired of her mom leaving, she's not sure if she wants to give up on her--or her family--just yet.

Good luck with your query!

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