Query - The Power Vested Within

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Query - The Power Vested Within

Post by ttougaw » December 4th, 2017, 5:00 pm

Hello Everyone

I'm very new to this forum and writing in general; this is my first novel. I've been scouring posts in this thread and I'm hoping I can contribute to refining queries in the future. At the moment, I don't feel knowledgeable enough to fully contribute, so I'm hoping a little critique on my query may help me be more useful. So here goes!

[Dear agent]

Jace Verro is a fiercely independent criminal with no family and no friends, and does his best to stay out of other people’s lives. It is unclear how or why Jace will become a hero, but after a tragic terrorist attack kills hundreds of people, he is suddenly pursued by highly trained assassins. He doesn’t know who they are or how they found him, but he does know that they are after a secret he's kept hidden his entire life. After being alone for his whole life, he now knows that he's going to need help if he's going to survive. The problem is, getting that help requires him to open up to others. If he does that, the secret he holds will not be a secret anymore, and the power that he wields might end up causing more damage than it prevents.

Leona Fairchild, daughter of the President of the United States, is brilliant and holds a place of prominence in the White House. After a terrorist attack kills hundreds of people, her seemingly perfect life is upended, and she is thrust into the shadowy underworld that is the life of Jace Verro. As Jace opens up to her, their lives intertwine, and he is thrust into the glitz and glamor of presidential life.

The two of them must figure out who is following Jace before he – or Leona – gets killed. In the process, both of them must make personal sacrifices that may end up teaching them about what it truly means to love someone. Together, they will travel down a path of no return, uncovering information that even her father doesn’t know about. The revelations that these two uncover will shake the American government to its core.

The Power Vested Within is a political and supernatural thriller, in the style of Firestarter by Stephen King, and is completed at 92,000 words.

I have just completed two undergraduate degrees and finished work as an editor for the Rocky Mountain Collegian newspaper. I have written numerous columns for this publication for online media as well as print. I’m passionate about writing and hope to continue that passion with this novel.

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Joined: May 25th, 2018, 12:33 am

Re: Query - The Power Vested Within

Post by Muse_Clio » May 25th, 2018, 1:11 am

Hi, I'm also new here! Your query was the most recent one on the forum so I thought I'd pop in.

First things first, I think "Fiercely independent criminal" is good! It's different. Attention getting.

Now, your second sentence doesn't really work. How does he know why they are after him? What's the connection between the attack and the pursuit? I'd ditch the bit about being a hero. I also don't want to read about terrorism--not my thing. Don't say "terrorist attack kills hundreds of people" twice in the first two paragraphs. Try "First Daughter Leona", that should tell you who she is in three words instead of 10. I'd recommend scrapping "seemingly perfect life". The parallel between "Shadowy underworld life" and "glitz and glamour life" is good! Juxtaposition is interesting.

Ditch the second sentence of the third paragraph.

Scrap "in the style of". Never, Never, NEVER compare yourself to a master, even if you are wonderful you are coming to come out second best--you don't want that.

Take another look at the second sentence in your bio paragraph, something needs tweaking there, it doesn't read very easily.

Happy reworking!

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Re: Query - The Power Vested Within

Post by nlshippen » October 28th, 2019, 7:07 pm

Great introduction to the character of Jace, who seems to be living life in survival mode - this captures my attention. His dilemma is he needs help, but thinks that if he asks for it, the consequences will be dire.

The help he needs comes in the form of Leona, the President's daughter from the opposite side of the tracks. Is there a potential romance as they work together to find out who the enemy is and how to fight them? It seems that their relationship grows in tandem to them finding out the secret that will threaten the American government.

I forgot about the supernatural element until I got to the end. It is mentioned at the beginning, but then is left out of the query until the end when you state this is a supernatural thriller. All I know is that Jace is being pursued by "highly trained assassins" - do they have supernatural powers since that seems to be Jaces's drawcard? I would suggest weaving the supernatural element into the body of the query more.

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