FAIRY BLOOD - Fresh out of the oven!

[shadow]

Hello guys :) Haven't been on here for a while working on my new novel called Fairy Blood. Be harsh and please guys what I really want to know is if and if you like the premise. Let me know!

Agent,

Ricardo is a vampire, once a young Spanish sailor. But his life as a walking corpse will soon be over if he doesn’t get his hands on fairy blood, enough to kill a fairy.

Midnight, he goes out into the gloomy alleyways of New York to feast on his next victim. What he finds, will change his life forever. A young girl covered in blood huddles in the corner, trembling. But she isn’t just a girl; her eyes are elongated and a fiery violet, her skin is as silk as a rose’s and her hair is long and white. Althea is a fairy and the last of her kind. Her population was forced out of their dimension by evil beings called Canasins also known as daemons. Now these Canasins are after her because she holds the crystal to their life. If she doesn’t bring the crystal to an underground chapel once belonging to the fairies, all of humanity is at stake.

Ricardo has no choice but to help Althea, charmed by her beauty and completely ignoring his own troubles. Yet two immortals will never face a happy ending. Falling in love with Althea and followed by the Canasins darkness Althea and Ricardo reach the chapel. Now Ricardo only has minutes to live and Althea’s blood is what can save him. Her choice between logic and heart is painful, but without one there will be no morality. There will only be death.

FAIRLY BLOOD is an 80,000 word YA Fantasy Novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Shadow 

[Meredith]

Hello guys :) Haven't been on here for a while working on my new novel called Fairy Blood. Be harsh and please guys what I really want to know is if and if you like the premise. Let me know!

Agent,

Ricardo is a vampire, once a young Spanish sailor. But his life as a walking corpse will soon be over if he doesn’t get his hands on fairy blood, enough to kill a fairy. I think this needs some kind of explanation.

Midnight, he goes out into the gloomy alleyways of New York to feast on his next victim. What he finds, no comma will change his life forever. A young girl covered in blood huddles in the corner, trembling. But This is the second sentence you've started with 'But'. Consider joining up the sentences or changing to 'However' or something. she isn’t just a girl; her eyes are elongated and a fiery violet, her skin is as silk as a rose’s Probably should be silken. And, since roses don't actually have skin, probably compare it to a rose petal. and her hair is long and white. Althea is a fairy and the last of her kind. Her population was forced out of their dimension by evil beings called Canasins Not sure I'd throw this word in here. Just call them daemons. also known as daemons. Now these Canasins are after her because she holds the crystal to their life 'crystal to their life' doesn't make sense. Crystal that is the key to their life? . If she doesn’t bring the crystal to an underground chapel once belonging to the fairies, all of humanity is at stake. Why?

Ricardo has no choice but to help Althea, charmed by her beauty and completely ignoring his own troubles. Yet two immortals will never face a happy ending. Falling in love with Althea and followed by the Canasins I've already said I'd use daemons instead. But this should be Canasins' (or daemons'). darkness Althea and Ricardo reach the chapel. Now Ricardo only has minutes to live and Althea’s blood is what can save him. Her choice between logic and heart is painful, but without one there will be no morality. There will only be death. There's nothing technically wrong with these last two sentences, but they just feel off to me. Plus, I think you're coming close to giving away the ending.

FAIRLY BLOOD is an 80,000 word YA Fantasy Novel. Don't capitalize fantasy or novel. I'd call this either urban fantasy, or paranormal romance.Thank you for your time and consideration.

Shadow 

[PaulWoodlin]

A young adult novel generally has some connection with young adult life, and neither of your main characters do. You didn't give us a reason to care about your main character. Your use of verbs such as "feast" imply that he is evil, which further distances me from him. And an evil vampire falls so far in love with a fairy that he won't kill her to survive?

And you certainly should give away the ending when trying to get an agent. The agent wants to know if you're playing fair, and needs to judge the book. Right now, one or the other of your main characters must die. You've left them no out.

[wilderness]

Agent,

Ricardo is a vampire, once a young Spanish sailor. But his life as a walking corpse will soon be over if he doesn’t get his hands on fairy blood, enough to kill a fairy.

Midnight, he goes out into the gloomy alleyways of New York to feast on his next victim. What he finds,(no comma) will change his life forever. A young girl covered in blood huddles in the corner, trembling. But she isn’t just a girl; her eyes are elongated and a fiery violet, her skin is as silk as a rose’s and her hair is long and white. This makes it sound as if he was surprised to find a fairy, but he was already searching for a fairy to save his life. Althea is a fairy and the last of her kind. Her population was forced out of their dimension by evil beings called Canasins also known as daemons. The blue part is awkward, too many clauses. Consider: "evil daemons called Canasins" Now these Canasins are after her because she holds the crystal to their life. If she doesn’t bring the crystal to an underground chapel once belonging to the fairies, all of humanity is at stake.

Ricardo has no choice but to help Althea, charmed by her beauty and completely ignoring his own troubles. The clauses feel a little awkward to me. Yet two immortals will never face a happy ending. Falling in love with Althea and followed by the Canasins darkness Althea and Ricardo reach the chapel. Improper clause -- Althea and Ricardo are not falling in love with Althea. Also "the Canasins darkness" should have an apostrophe "the Canasins' darkness" but I would just say "followed by the Canasins". Now Ricardo only has minutes to live and Althea’s bloodis what can save him. Her choice between logic and heart is painful, but without one there will be no morality. There will only be death. I think you can phrase this better.

FAIRLY FAIRY? BLOOD is an 80,000 word YA Fantasy Novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Shadow 

Hi Shadow -- There are some awkward sentences above, but I like the premise. Good conflict.

I disagree with Paul above on multiple counts. Artemis Fowl is an MG protag that is also an anti-hero. I think it can work in YA, although I don't even think you're trying to make Ricardo an anti-hero since you've made it clear his blood drinking is a matter of survival. Also, although you include the ending in a synopsis, you usually don't in a query because it is more like a back-of-the-book blurb.

Good luck with this one.

[Hyaline]

Hi :) I did inline comments as I read--hope they help :)

Hello guys :) Haven't been on here for a while working on my new novel called Fairy Blood. Be harsh and please guys what I really want to know is if and if you like the premise. Let me know!

Agent,

Ricardo is a vampire, once a young Spanish sailor. This feels awkward to me--perhaps reverse it if what he once was is important to know or adds some flavor. IE Ricardo was a young Spanish sailor set on adventure when he became a vampire (bad example, but you can see how maybe it's clearer?) But his life as a walking corpse will soon be over if he doesn’t get his hands on fairy blood, enough to kill a fairy. Huh? Enough to kill a fairy threw me. What does that mean? I read it as fairy blood kills fairies, not he needs fairy blood and getting it will kill the fairy he takes it from. I think, after reading the rest of the query, that that's what you mean (?).

Midnight Midnight of what, following from what? I'm confused because I feel as though I should connect this to something that happened earlier...but it doesn't follow from anything., he goes out into the gloomy alleyways of New York to feast on his next victimI agree with the above that this line does not make me feel sympathetic toward him.. What he finds, No comma needed here will change his life forever. A young girl covered in blood huddles in the corner, trembling. But she isn’t just a girl; her eyes are elongated and a fiery violet, her skin is as silk as a rose’s I don't get what silk as a rose means. and her hair is long and white. Althea is a fairy and the last of her kind Well, bingo! He needed her blood, right? And he's the sort who feasts on people in gloomy alleys, so I'm expecting him to take advantage.... Her population was forced out of their dimension by evil beings called Canasins also known as daemons.This sentence feels a touch textbook-y. It's outside your usual voice--can you make this info more palatable for the reader by writing it less drily? Now these Canasins are after her because she holds the crystal to their life. If she doesn’t bring the crystal to an underground chapel once belonging to the fairies, all of humanity is at stake.Woah--i'm feeling backstory overload from these sentences. I had thought Ricardo was our main character, but it sounds like she's got the market cornered on the plot arc. Can you make this relate back to him? How it impacts him? Or should we be seeing Althea on the same footing, character-wise, as Ricardo, and that needs to come out more?

Ricardo has no choice but to help Althea why doesn't he have a choice? Unless those charms are really something more than figurative--does she magically compel him to help her? Force him?, charmed by her beauty and completely ignoring his own troubles. Yet two immortals will never face a happy ending Don't spoil it for us--leave the mystery of whether this will be happy or tragic for us to figure out when we read it :) . Falling in love with Althea and followed by the Canasins darkness Althea and Ricardo reach the chapel. Now Ricardo only has minutes to live and Althea’s blood is what can save him. Her choice between logic and heart is painful, but without one there will be no morality. There will only be death. Don't give away the ending in the query--leave this out.

FAIRLY BLOOD is an 80,000 word YA Fantasy Novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Shadow 

Maybe I'm not too sharp today (always possible, I just had lunch so you know how the early afternoon blahs go....) but I'm confused after reading this. Is our main character Ricardo? And if what he needs to live is a fairy's blood, you need to show us why he's suddenly taking pity on Althea and her plight. From what we see in the query, he doesn't seem the type to bat an eye at draining her dry. I guess I'd like to see more of his personality here--not lengthening the query much, but making us understand why he ends up in such a compromising situation and what choice he faces.

[Joel Q]

Ricardo is a vampire, once a young Spanish sailor. But his life as a walking corpse will soon be over (why, I think we need to know) if he doesn’t get his hands on fairy blood, enough to kill a fairy. (I don't like this last clause. Awkward. I guess it is to tell us he's going to have to totaly drain a fairy to get enough blood. I think that can be assumed.)

Midnight, he goes out into the gloomy alleyways of New York to feast on his next victim. What he finds, will change his life forever. (I think this could be cut or cut down to get to the main point here) A young girl covered in blood (is that important? b/c it doesn't have any impact on the query, it might in the book but I think you can leave it out.)huddles in the corner, trembling. (cut) But she isn’t just a girl; (awkard, cut)her eyes are elongated and a fiery violet, her skin is as silk as a rose’s and her hair is long and white. Althea is a fairy and the last of her kind. Her population was forced out of their dimension by evil beings called Canasins also known as daemons.(reworkd that) Now these (cut)Canasins are after her because she holds the crystal to their life.Like a real crystal? If she doesn’t bring the crystal to an underground chapel once belonging to the fairies,(cut) all of humanity is at stake. (I think you can just say they want it back or all will die)

Ricardo has no choice (yes he does)but to help Althea, charmed by her beauty and completely ignoring his own troubles. Yet two immortals will never face a happy ending. Falling in love with Althea and followed by the Canasins darkness Althea and Ricardo reach the chapel. Now Ricardo only has minutes to live and Althea’s blood is what can save him. Her choice between logic and heart is painful, but without one there will be no morality. There will only be death. (this paragraph needs to be rework)

FAIRLY BLOOD is an 80,000 word YA Fantasy Novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Shadow 

1. No you don't have to tell the ending. Leave it with the major plot question.
2. If this is YA, should we assume the characters are young? Or should you give us a hint of their age? I don't know enough about YA queries to know this.
3. I want a better connection to the characters, a reason to care. I think if you cut a lot of the extra clauses and unneeded info, you'd have room to give them personalities.
4. The query is a really good first effort as a whole.
JQ

[Preacher]

I love me some good vampire stories, so Yayyyyyy!

Ok, here we go.

I think in the first paragraph we can do without knowing Ricardo was once a Sailor. We need to know he is a vampire, and that he has to completely drain a fairy, or down goes Ricardo.

I also think in the second paragraph there is too much superfluous information. We know he needs blood; therefore, he will have to hunt. You don't have to describe his jaunt to us. Just tell us who, or what, good Ricardo finds, what happens because he finds it, and what the choice is or something like that.

I think it has the information necessary, just that there may be too much of it. I mean too much on plot details.

[sammyig]

I want to know more about Ricardo. Is he so hell-bent on staying alive that he will try anything to stay alive, including fairy blood? I definitely want to know why it is fairy blood he needs and not the blood of an older/younger vampire, etc.

While we know his quest is to get fairy blood, I'm wondering if adding the race of creatures that are also half demon is taking away from the idea of his quest.