Mortimers Dream, YA fantasy *BETTER UPDATE PG 3*

[clara_w]

Ops! Ok, here's my inputs on the latest version!

Dear Agent,

Desmoree shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia. The death of her mother breaks the spell of protection, revealing her to the seers, and awakening her dormant fairy abilities. A great, great beginning.

Desmoree is transported to the fairy world, where she learns that her father is the leader of the Tanzieth, banished half-breeds. Despite her connection to the Tanzieth, Desmoree is welcomed into Sayeesies without aversion. But Desmoree is shocked to learn that this is because the fairies regard her as their prophesised saviour, the one who will defeat the Dazerarthro and its secret weapon. This is insane. How is an Aussie fashion girl supposed to defeat an ancient evil and it's horde of monstrous beasts?

Desmoree surprises herself with her natural gifts, and when both races agree to come together to defend their world, she believes they might actually have a chance. But as the Dazerarthro launches its attack, Desmoree watches horrified as the Tanzieths stand alone on the front line, and as the first walls are breached, the sounds of fairies being slaughtered fills the air. I LOVED the phrase: fairies being slaughteres fills the air. However, I'd consider slaughtering this last paragraph. Without it, you stay into the 3 paragraph rule. The only exception to evade this damn stupid but sometimes effective 'rule' would be to have a strong meaningful paragraph, and thats just not it. I feel we already know what we need to know (conflict, plot, character) with the two first chapters and the third just seems to drag it.

Good luck with your querying!