Mortimers Dream, YA fantasy *BETTER UPDATE PG 3*

[RebeccaB]

Thanks again Quill, I did originally wish to call them faries, but i am getting alot of negative response to the unusual spelling. I always associate fairy with little girls story books, but if it is distracting and looks like a spelling error i might have to change it.

I have used your suggestions and written a new query, i would really appreciate your view on this latest attempt. You are always honest and brutal, I love it.

Anyone else wishing to give me their ideas, i welcome you with open arms. Writing a query is harder than writing a MS.

So here we go.

Dear Agent

Desmoree Shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia. After the death of her mother Desmoree is no longer hidden from the eyes of the seers who are searching for her. No longer stripped of her farie abilities, and no longer able to live a life where the price of Jimmy Choo’s are her only concern.

The farie world is divided; Stalisies led by the oldest of the faries, and Tanzieth, led by Desmoree’s father, a man she vowed to rip to shreds if she ever found him.

But the prophesied battle against the Dazearthro is at hand, and if Desmoree can’t stop fainting long enough to figure out what the real threat is, the entire Tanzieth race will be wiped from existence.

Mortimer’s Dream is a 55,000-word work of young adult fiction

It will appeal to fans of MaryJanice Davidson with a strong willed female protagonist and almost anybody who knows what it is like to struggle with the new path their life has taken.

Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards
Rebecca Bosevski

[Quill]

Desmoree Shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia.

Good. We're situated and we know who we are looking at.

After the death of her mother Desmoree is no longer hidden from the eyes of the seers who are searching for her. No longer stripped of her farie abilities, and no longer able to live a life where the price of Jimmy Choo’s are her only concern.

Good info, but awkward:

1. The three "no longer"s don't work for me. Too repetitious.

2. Just a thought, any way to put any of this into the positive: "Her mother's death breaks a spell of protection, revealing her to the seers..." or some such? The positive usually seems stronger.

3. Don't know what "Jimmy Choo's" is but a quick Google turns up Jimmy Choo handbags and other things. Based on this, I'm not sure what the apostrophe is for. Are you pluralizing or going possessive? Either way, not sure it makes sense. Maybe the inclusion of an item (handbag, shoes) would make it clearer. Furthermore the "are" makes it more confusing, like you are indeed pluralizing Choo, but the apostrophe throws me.

4. "Her only concern" reads like a cliche, because surely she's got other concerns, such as photography. And laundry.

The farie world is divided; Stalisies led by the oldest of the faries, and Tanzieth, led by Desmoree’s father,

This feels abrupt. Any way to tie it to her, besides through the word "farie"(abilities)? How about, "she finds out the fairie world is divided" or "after a stranger magically transports her to the farie world, she finds" or something.

This is also a lot of info, made more dense by the names. Could you just say "one side" or "one faction" and "the other side or faction"? To slip us through this political wicket?

a man she vowed to rip to shreds if she ever found him.

This also feels abrupt; could you give us a clue as to the reason? We're still not sure how much she knows about who she is, a nagging problem since the beginning of the query. Also you've omitted how she got to the other world. We started rock solid, knowing who and where we were dealing with. Now we are going in leaps and bounds to a prophesied war, with very few words of explanation. And that's all we need, a few very well chosen words to fill in some blanks and smooth the transitions as you ramp up your story here.

But the prophesied battle against the Dazearthro is at hand,

Did you say who the Dazearthro are? This deserves more explanation so we are clear what's going on. Make it clear that despite the division within the farie realm there is an outside enemy that must be faced. Important plot point, and big dynamic of your book, I'd imagine. Make the biggest problems the most clear.

and if Desmoree can’t stop fainting long

Why is she fainting? We don't know her as a fainter. We know her as feisty.

enough to figure out what the real threat is,

Too enigmatic. What is the real threat? "If she can't figure out that the real threat is _______..."

the entire Tanzieth race will be wiped from existence.

A bit melodramatic. Could tone down by omitting "entire" and possibly changing "will" to "could".

Mortimer’s Dream is a 55,000-word work of young adult fiction

It will appeal to fans of MaryJanice Davidson with a strong willed female protagonist and almost anybody who knows what it is like to struggle with the new path their life has taken.

Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.

I like it.

[RebeccaB]

Thanks Quill,

I will look at your suggestions and post another revision soon.

Happy Inking
RebeccaB

[RebeccaB]

Here is my latest attempt. Again, feel free to be completly brutal.

Dear Agent

Desmoree shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia. The death of her mother breaks the spell of protection, revealing her to the seers, and awakening her dormant fairy abilities.

After a man flies her in his arms to the fairy world, she finds out not only is her father the leader of a banished breed of the fairies. But Desmoree is prophesised to defeat an evil force known as the Dazearthro.

Despite the division of the fairy realm, both sides must come together to protect their world. Under the Dazearthro’s control, the Kianpraties break through the wall protecting the city. The Kianpraties are normally a quiet fish eating species. But they possess four rows of razor sharp teeth and talons that can rip through steel, making them perfect killing machines.

But if Desmoree can’t figure out that the real threat is who brought forth the Dazearthro, the Tanzieth race could be wiped from existence.

Mortimer’s Dream is a 55,000-word work of young adult fiction. It will appeal to fans of MaryJanice Davidson with a strong willed female protagonist, and almost anybody who knows what it is like to struggle with the new path their life has taken.

Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Rebecca Bosevski

[Quill]

Dear Agent,

Desmoree Shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia when the death of her mother breaks a spell of protection, awakening her dormant fairy abilities. And revealing her to the seers.

Desmoree is transported to the fairy world, where she finds out her father is the leader of the Tanzieth, one faction in a brewing civil war. But both sides must come together to protect their world from a greater threat, the evil Dazearthro and their secret weapon. As the Dazearthro launch their attack on the main city, Desmoree is shocked to realize that the people regard her as the fulfillment of an ancient prophecy. This is ludicrous. There must be some mistake. How is an Aussie fashion girl supposed to produce the key to defeating this monstrous invading army? She watches horrified as fairy swordsmen fall in droves and the first walls are breached.

MORTIMER'S DREAM is a 55,000-word work of young adult fiction...

________________________

I realize that my stab at it is bad copy. My attempt is to show how I would weight your story elements. You'll notice I removed some of the details, to make others stand out. This is more along the lines of what I'd like to see, and I'm sure you can put it together much better.

One thing I might better have done was bring the prophecy in sooner, if she is to help unite the fairies. As it is, the civil war thing is kind of just hanging, like they get themselves together and all she's got to do is defeat the common enemy. Yep, queries aren't easy!

I should also note that I have a nagging feeling that the two similar names of your protagonist (Desmoree) and antagonist (Dazearthro) may become an issue. It is for me.

Good luck!

[RebeccaB]

OK, So how is this?


Dear [Agent name],

Desmoree Shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia. The death of her mother breaks more than a spell of protection; it awakens her dormant fairy abilities and reveals her to the eyes of the seers.


Desmoree is transported to the fairy world, where she finds out her father is the leader of the Tanzieth, an outcast breed. Despite the tension between the species, both sides must come together to protect their world from a greater threat, the Dazerarthro and its secret weapon. As the Dazerarthro launches its attack on the main city, Desmoree is shocked to learn that the fairies regard her as their prophesised saviour. This is insane. There must be some mistake. How is an Aussie fashion girl supposed to defeat an ancient evil and it's horde of monstrous beasts? She watches horrified as the Tanzieths stand alone on the front line, and as the first walls are breached, the sounds of slaughtered fairies fill the skies.


Mortimer’s Dream is my complete 55,000-word work of young adult fiction. It will appeal to fans of MaryJanice Davidson with a strong willed female protagonist and almost anybody who knows what it is like to struggle with the new path their life has taken.


Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes,
Rebecca Bosevski

OK, Let rip.

[RebeccaB]

I am not sure if this one gives enough information. It needs to really grab the agent, so any help would be really appeciated.

[Quill]

Desmoree Shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia. The death of her mother breaks more than a spell of protection; it awakens her dormant fairy abilities and reveals her to the eyes of the seers.

I thought your previous version of this paragraph was properly weighted. Now there's the funny business about "more than a spell" which seems to reduce the impact of this momentous event.

Desmoree is transported to the fairy world, where she finds out her father is the leader of the Tanzieth, an outcast breed. Despite the tension between the species, both sides must come together to protect their world from a greater threat, the Dazerarthro and its secret weapon.

This is fine, but there's a disconnect between Desmoree and the needs of the factions. Is Desmoree instrumental in getting them together? If so, then her prophesised role needs to be tied in here. If not, then perhaps a rewording is in order, to avoid the perception that we're going into backstory, or into a political subplot that has nothing to do with our main character, who has only just been introduced. Make any sense? Thinking about the flow here.

As the Dazerarthro launches its attack on the main city, Desmoree is shocked to learn that the fairies regard her as their prophesised saviour. This is insane. There must be some mistake. How is an Aussie fashion girl supposed to defeat an ancient evil and it's horde of monstrous beasts?

I like this because it shows what she is up against. It reveals the dynamic of her problem: a lot is expected of her.

She watches horrified as the Tanzieths stand alone on the front line,

Apparently the factions did not mend their differences and unite? Could you clarify?

and as the first walls are breached, the sounds of slaughtered fairies fill the skies.

Wouldn't it be "AND the sounds of slaughtered fairies..."

"fill the skies" seems melodramatic to me. I picture fairies as being of diminutive stature, whose lungs could not fill skies. Even full size people, their voices could carry upward maybe a few hundred feet? How about "fill the air"?

Question of logic: do slaughtered people make sounds? I wouldn't think so. If they are slaughtered (past tense), aren't they dead? Maybe fairies BEING slaughtered make sounds.

Mortimer’s Dream is my complete 55,000-word work of young adult fiction. It will appeal to fans of MaryJanice Davidson with a strong willed female protagonist and almost anybody who knows what it is like to struggle with the new path their life has taken.

This is an excellent point which bothers me about the query as currently constructed. It is constructed to show her in a moment of crisis, whereas you speak of a new life path. I hope you can expand upon the situation you describe in the blurb to touch more upon the new path idea, and what it entails. Show some progression of events, attitudes. At least allude to this. As it is, it reads like a big shockeroo moment for her, a moment of destiny, with no build up. We get some build up regarding the world there but little about HER new path, her BECOMING this fulfillment.

[RebeccaB]

This my latest attempt, I feel like it is close, I hope you all agree.

Dear Agent,

Desmoree shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia. The death of her mother breaks the spell of protection, revealing her to the seers, and awakening her dormant fairy abilities.

Desmoree is transported to the fairy world, where she learns that her father is the leader of the Tanzieth, banished half-breeds. Despite her connection to the Tanzieth, Desmoree is welcomed into Sayeesies without aversion. But Desmoree is shocked to learn that this is because the fairies regard her as their prophesised saviour, the one who will defeat the Dazerarthro and its secret weapon. This is insane. How is an Aussie fashion girl supposed to defeat an ancient evil and it's horde of monstrous beasts?


Desmoree surprises herself with her natural gifts, and when both races agree to come together to defend their world, she believes they might actually have a chance. But as the Dazerarthro launches its attack, Desmoree watches horrified as the Tanzieths stand alone on the front line, and as the first walls are breached, the sounds of fairies being slaughtered fills the air.

Mortimer’s Dream is my complete 55,000-word work of young adult fiction. It will appeal to fans of MaryJanice Davidson with a strong willed female protagonist and almost anybody who knows what it is like to be taken completely by surprise.

Thank you for your time.

Regards,
Rebecca Bosevski

[RebeccaB]

Yes Quill, you are right, the two species do not come together. If you would like the spoiler let me know and i will send it via a private message.

Happy Inking
RebeccaB

[clara_w]

Desmoree Shale thought life as a fashion photographer was full of surprises, but waking up in the morgue and being flown why is she being flown after her death? Was she overseas? to a hidden world by a man who could bench press a forklift was never a remote possibility.

Desmoree never thought she was anything extraordinary, other than the simple fact that she was Desmoree. After being sprung from the morgue she sets out to discover who she really is I'd try to wrap this mission up in a brighter, more colorful package, know what I mean? This is just point blank flat almost-every-book-ever-written mission, which is ok, we just have to think of creative ways to present it.and why her mother kept it a secret all her life. Being a farieOk that came out of nowhere, I sugest replacing it a bit sooner so we know we're talking about faeries here. is not sunlight and rainbows, especially when your destiny is to defeat the Dazearthro, an evil that can control beasts, and has already taken the life of two she held dear.Awesome!!!

With all hope resting on her shoulders, and the new passion to save the life of Jax, a gorgeous and talented Tanzieth, Des has one shot to defeat the Dazearthro, but when the moment comes, will her power and passion be enough, or will she find herself meeting the same fate as her friends


Good luck with your query! =)

[RebeccaB]

Thanks Clara. This one was my firt attempt. The updated one is on pg 3. But thanks for taking the time.

[hulbertsfriend]

This my latest attempt, I feel like it is close, I hope you all agree.

Dear Agent,

Desmoree shale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia. The death of her mother breaks the spell of protection, revealing her to the seers, and awakening her dormant fairy abilities. (The spell that has protected her till now is broken when her mother dies. Her death also awakens Desmoree's dormant fairy abilities, that she must learn to control or die.)
Desmoree is transported to the fairy world, where she learns that her father is the leader of the Tanzieth, banished half-breeds. Despite her connection to the Tanzieth, Desmoree is welcomed into Sayeesies without aversion. But Desmoree is shocked to learn that this is because the fairies regard her as their prophesised saviour, the one who will defeat the Dazerarthro and its secret weapon. This is insane. How is an Aussie fashion girl supposed to defeat an ancient evil and it's horde of monstrous beasts? (Good, strong and informative.... The "this is insane" should be removed, the narative voice of this line is incongruent)

Desmoree surprises herself with her natural gifts, and when both races agree to come together to defend their world, she believes they might actually have a chance. But as the Dazerarthro launches its attack, Desmoree watches horrified as the Tanzieths stand alone on the front line, and as the first walls are breached, the sounds of fairies being slaughtered fills the air.

Mortimer’s Dream is my complete 55,000-word work of young adult fiction. It will appeal to fans of MaryJanice Davidson with a strong willed female protagonist and almost anybody who knows what it is like to be taken completely by surprise.
(I think this should be removed, especially the part "almost anybody, etc part. It doesn't show strength of opinion.)
Thank you for your time.

Regards,
Rebecca Bosevski

(What I can tell you about this, is it makes me want to read your book!!!!!!!!!!! DougM)

[RebeccaB]

Thanks Doug. I was thinking I would take out "this is insane". I will prob have a little play and then start e-mailing agents.
Thank you to everyone that helped. If all does not go well I will call on u all again for help with a new one.

Happy inking
RebeccaB

[D.S. Deshaw]

Hi! You've helped me so I thought I'd stop by and see if I could help you :) Hopefully it's not too late.

Dear Agent,

Desmoree sShale is a feisty fashion photographer living in Belfox, Australia. The death of her mother breaks the her spell of protection, revealing her to the seers, and awakening her dormant fairy abilities.

Desmoree is transported to the fairy world, where she learns that her father is the leader of the banished fairy half-breeds, the Tanzieth, banished half-breeds. Despite her connection to the Tanzieth, Desmoree is welcomed into Sayeesies without aversion. ButDesmoree is shocked to learn that this is because the fairies ( regard her as ) This part reads awkward. I would try for ‘think she’s…’ their prophesised savior, the one who will defeat the Dazerarthro and its secret weapon. This is insane. How is an Aussie fashiongirlista supposed to defeat an ancient evil and it's horde of monstrous beasts? Monstrous beasts is repetitious. I would just say ‘mindless monsters’ because beasts/monsters no longer have a scary undertone and it plays down the stakes. Make it seem scarier and more dangerous.


Desmoree surprises herself with her natural gifts, and when both races agree to come together to defend their world, she believes they thinks there might actually have be a chance to defend Sayeesies, . You haven’t told us about the other fairy race in this query so if I was reading it for the first time, I’d be wondering what other race is there? Bbut as the Dazerarthro launches its attack, Desmoree watches horrified as the Tanzieths stand alone on the front line, and as the first walls are breached, the sounds of fairies being slaughtered fills the air.

What is she going to do to save the Tanzieths and their world? It seems like she’s a bystander instead of the driving force of the battle. Don’t give away the ending but show us her strong will!

Mortimer’s Dream is a my complete it better be complete if you’re querying, so I don’t think this is needed 55,000-word work of young adult fiction. It will appeal to fans of MaryJanice Davidson with a strong willed female protagonist and almost anybody who knows what it is like to be taken completely by surprise. I’m not sure about this last sentence. Saying that your MC is a strong-willed female protagonist is heavy-handed. It should be demonstrated in your query—and the last part is just a cliché. If you want to put in the appeal, I would leave it at “I think it will appeal to fans of MaryJanice Davidson.” –saying that it will appeal is being overly confident.

Thank you for your time.